Is it ever ok to message the OW

[Dorothyy]

So my partner and I split last year and within weeks he was with this new woman, obviously part of me believes it was going on before and they used to go out together frequently whilst I was at home looking after our children (not on their own but as a group of colleagues) I feel so stupid as I did question it at the time and she was just a friend apparently. I had a few wines the other night and stupidly messaged her just asking when this started, obviously didn’t get a reply

Way to kick a person when they are down.

Genuine question

What has he done wrong? Aside from acquire a girlfriend very soon after you finished your relationship with him.

What happens if she doesn't squirm?
You already know who she is.
She already knows who she is.
So what do you do when she doesn't react how you expect her to, and you've vacated that moral high ground?

Not in the circumstances the OP describes, but I can think of some.

Introduced the kids to her, took the children on holiday with her, they have been through enough and must be so confused. I am more annoyed that he hasn’t put them first! I had the kids for him on his days whilst he could go to his herpes appointments, in return I asked him to have them one night at the weekend so that I could finally go out but he said he would have to check with her first

yes he’s introduced them far far too quickly
but what’s done is done on that front

yeah but the thing is, he's the only one in the know. He's the only one made a vows. he's the only one who owed anything to OP.

OW could be a homewrecker., she could be a vile human being, she could be an angelic human absolutely unaware, she could have been lied too by him... she could be anything. Irrelevant. As the wife, you'll never know what OW knew.

DH knew he was married. OP knows this much, everything else is assumption.

Did you finish it Op because you had suspicions?

I finished it because he was too busy making other plans and was out of the house 4/5 evenings per week and then most weekends too. I ended it because I was so lonely but I did always question why he would want to go to weekend long festivals with her and some work colleagues than with me

She's not "better than" you. Whatever either of them say, you'll never know for sure whether it was going on before. It also doesn't really matter whether it was or wasn't. Your relationship is over because he's left. Whether he was on the "I've had my head turned" or the "I'm balls deep in your friend" side of the line doesn't change anything.

You don't get closure from this sort of information. You get closure from accepting that it's over, that you deserve better than the way you've been treated, and that you may never get an apology and that's ok because you don't need one to know that you deserve better.

Jillian Turecki on Insta/Youtube is good on all this.

Why didn't you just get tested?

You didn't need to do it with his say so.

And if he said 'No you don't need to get tested', you'd be bonkers to believe him.

@Dorothyy he’s most likely a narcissist just like my ex. Everything they do is justified and it’s always your fault. There’s no reasoning with these people I’m afraid. It’s horrible but stay strong ❤️

I dunno, I suppose I thought he would actually tell
me the truth.

Narcissists are actually very rare aren’t they?

Well the truth is… oral herpes isn’t usually contracted sexually

did you hint in this message to his girlfriend that you and him had hooked up?

Absolutely not! The message said do I need to be tested as I am just worried you slept with her behind my back. Nothing to suggest anything like that she has jumped to conclusions and obviously not read the full message

Why does it matter? Even if nothing physical had happened he definitely had feelings for her. So he did the right thing by ending it.

Op I’m referring to the message you sent directly to HER

Oral herpes is very rarely an STD.

What the heck are herpes appointments?!

@Dorothyy What struck me if you saying he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong - neither has mine when it’s been one shockingly disrespectful act after the other.

Oh. After he told me she was worried he had slept with me I decided to message her and say I do not want him and I ended it for good reason, I said the fact that you was together weeks after he moved out started ringing alarm bells and then told her to have a nice life

He was worried it something else I think

And you know what? You are the mother of his children, and he cheated on you. So one day, he will definitely cheat on her. So although you're in the pit of despair now, try to remember that eventually he'll sh*t on her, too.

I’m not saying that it is I don’t much about it, I’m guessing it can be caught through oral sex? Either way I was just trying to protect myself