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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To develop anxiety about not being able to finance DCs futures

175 replies

Alabamasunset · 10/03/2025 06:30

I really need some advice.
Over the past two years, I have developed significant anxiety about the sobering fact that we are not going to be able to, in any way, help our DC out financially as they move in to their early adulthood. And this is really panicking me.
They are 11 and 13.
My 11 year old has SEN and is academically 5 years behind her peers in her reading, spelling and maths.
My 13 year old has received a GCSE forecast from his school, which has predicted that he is going to get bottom grades in all of his subjects.
Their prospects seem depressing. If my 13 year old is going to get the lowest scores in all his GCSEs, and my 11 year old is 5 years behind her actual school year group due to SEN meaning she will never catch up in time to pass any GCSEs, then neither of them are going to get to college for A levels, which in turn means no university.
This translates that their occupations are going to be extremely limited. They won't get in to any of the professions if they can't achieve school leavers GCSEs. And this in turns limits their earning potential.
With their limited earning potential due to poor prospects upon leaving school with poor or no GCSEs, I cannot see how they are ever going to earn enough money to achieve a good standard of living or to be able to buy a home. They will never be able to save up enough money for a deposit. They will never be able to afford monthly mortgage repayments on houses that sell for half a million pounds for a 3 bed semi (we live in SE , not by choice but it's just where me and DH grew up).
The cost of living is astronomical. Food prices are unbelievably high. Gas, electric, water rates, council tax are all unbelievably high. Running a car is really expensive. Buying a home as a first time buyer feels out of reach. How will my DC go on afford any of these things in adulthood if they're not going to come out of school with any decent GCSEs?
Meanwhile, DH and I have no savings. None. We both work in public facing professions (NHS) and what comes in each month goes straight back out again. We can't keep on top of the rising cost of living. It has hugely impacted on us. Our mortgage repayments have sky rocketed over the past year since our fixed term ended and the new interest rate was much higher. We are living on a month by month basis. Our wages come in each month, they go straight back out again on all our living expenses and there is nothing left until we get paid again. We have no hope whatsoever of saving for our DCs futures. Literally none.
They will enter early adulthood and we will have nothing to give them to help them take their first steps into adult life.
DH has no parents, they both died when he was in his 20s and he was left no inheritance as the proceeds from their house sale covered their outstanding mortgage (they had recently remortgaged to a high level before dying). My DM rents, she is not a homeowner. My DD also rents. So I am never going to receive any inheritance.
All my friends are saying that when they inherit houses from their parents when they die in the future, they are going to pass it straight on to their children to help them get their own homes when they're adults. My DC will have nothing from grandparents.
I'm really, genuinely getting in to a state of anxiety about not being able to afford to provide for my DC financially when they start out in their adult lives.
I'm waking at 3am every night worrying about it. I'm getting headaches and stomach aches about it. I'm basically really panicking all of the time about DH and I not being able to help secure their futures financially in any way, combined with the fact that their earning potential is looking bleak, combined with phenomenal house prices and COL crisis.
Does anyone have any advice?
The level of anxiety I'm experiencing about their futures has started to make me feel physically unwell.

OP posts:
Hairyfairy01 · 10/03/2025 06:42

Kindly, I think you need to calm down. A levels and college are not the only way forward in life and (despite what you read on MN) not everyone earns 100k. Perhaps they will learn a trade? Bricklaying, plastering, plumbing, forestry? Perhaps they will find they have excellent people skills and would make great childminders, nanny, carer, health care assistant, classroom assistant, nursery worker? Perhaps they will develop a talent in the music or arts? Perhaps they would make brilliant shop workers, recycling plant workers, wedding organisers? There are so many jobs out there that don't all need a degree. Many jobs train on the job to a high level. And hopefully you will encourage them to travel and explore the world. They will then come to realise that you don't need 500k to buy a house in many areas. We also have an excellent social security system in this country which helps those who are working but perhaps classed as low earners. Isn't the main thing that they are happy and healthy?

TheSandgroper · 10/03/2025 06:46

Is there anything keeping you in a high COL area apart from being born there?

Can you at least search NHS vacancies in other trusts and have a look at housing in the area and do some research into SEN provision wjile you are at it?

Putting a bit of time into a hard nosed look at options might bring some clarity. To quote my dad “ I looked around at my life and just couldn’t see a future “ and he has never regretted the move.

Iloveeverycat · 10/03/2025 06:47

Lots of children do not get A levels or go to university. Sometimes I think it is better not to go to university and owe £40.000. You can still go to college and get a trade so everything is not lost yet.

brainexplorer · 10/03/2025 06:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

RIPVPROG · 10/03/2025 06:57

I went to university, my brother works in a trade, went to college in the evenings while working as a labourer. We now both earn good salaries but he didn't have a student loan! Over a lifetime I will out earn him because he's unlikely to increase his earning potential, whereas I still have many a promotion I can achieve and a good public sector pension whereas he is self employed with a private pension. He earned around 70k last year OP so really isn't struggling. They will find their way. Are the school supporting their needs properly?

Wellthisisnotfun · 10/03/2025 06:57

Hey OP have you ever needed to pay a tradesperson in the South East? Gardening plumbing decorating etc. It’s expensive. There are many jobs that pay well that aren’t academic/intellectual.
Might it be possible one day that you and DH can downsize to a flat and free up money either to treat DC or live more comfortably. That’s something I’m considering.

RhaenysRocks · 10/03/2025 06:58

As the first poster said, calm down. I'm a secondary teacher with a son who is probably going to fail / do poorly in his GCSEs. He has a place lined up at two colleges for a post 16 course in an area that interests him and can resit alongside that if necessary. He is also behind his peers socially and emotionally so I am viewing college as really a way to keep him occupied while he continues to mature. There are huge numbers of post 16 study options now. It is harder for them to just leave and get a job yes, but frankly, having a degree and 50k of debt with actually no guarantee of a graduate job at the end of it is not a good outcome either.

As to CoL etc...just focus on the present and your own current situation. As NHS employees presumably you could work anywhere. I know it's not "just" that easy but I live in a nice part of the country and my mortgage is less than half what it would be down south. Lying awake and worrying doesn't solve anything. Get pro-active, make changes, research options for your kids. I'm a single parent on approx 45k, no UC, only child benefit. I and two kids live quite nicely, with a holiday most years costing under 1k. I do think relocating or looking at yours and DHs earning potential is the way to go. Can either if you upskill? Please don't just lie there...do something x

PeriPeriMam · 10/03/2025 07:03

The world can be a very worrying place, but - meaning this with kindness - your level of predicting the future there for your two children is absolutely not going to help them or you.

Yes,plan ahead, but you've written off both their hopes already. And your own.

You might end up with a wealthy successful tradesman and a happy, productive community worker. Or a singer and a bus driver. Or an engineer and a nursery worker. Or one joins the army and one runs a coffee stand. Or......

You don't know yet. GCSEs aren't everything and neither is 50k of university debt. Set your sights on something hopeful at least. It might all go the way you've already imagined in detail, but equally a million different variables might mean it doesn't. I bet you're a great parent and need a break.

TickingAlongNicely · 10/03/2025 07:07

Gcses, a levels and university aren't everything.

There are lots of vocational courses leady to good steady jobs.

sandgrown · 10/03/2025 07:07

While it’s nice to be able to help your children don’t stress if you can’t . My parents had nothing to give me but their support but I am comfortable now. There will be openings for your children when the time comes . There are trades and hospitality and care jobs plus places like the Civil Service have a guaranteed interview scheme for some jobs . Please stop worrying and just ensure they get all the help they can at school.

Didimum · 10/03/2025 07:07

I can sympathise with the anxiety you feel, but university is quickly becoming a fool’s errand.

DetectiveSleuth · 10/03/2025 07:08

Your kids will make their own way in life. My DS is relatively intelligent, not the most, just middling really. Anyway, he point blank refused to do any homework when he was at school and would act up so he was always in the time out room or suspended. I warned him that he’d end up in a poorly paid job if he got no qualifications and surprise, surprise, that’s what happened. He’s also drowning in debt, even though I gave him so much advice.

All you can do is be supportive and they’ll get there in the end.

100Bees · 10/03/2025 07:10

I know this isn't what you're asking about, but given the age of your children is it possible that perimenopause is ramping up your anxiety? If so, HRT might help.

TouchOfSilverShampoo · 10/03/2025 07:10

Op, now is the time to tap into your children's talents and build their self esteem.

I didn't have inheritance nor will receive one of any significant value in the future.

I've got three kids and a property in the SE. I earn six figures because I can talk to people. I was thrown out of school at 15 with no qualifications.

Two of my kids have SEN and they will not be academic in the slightest. I'm not concerned - because they will be great at what they love and I've instilled a work ethic in them.

There's so many routes to this that ISNT funding their future lifestyle. You've written them off already which is so sad.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 10/03/2025 07:10

I do understand the anxiety, but a high-level academic performance and earning potential do not have to be linked. Two of my bottom set year 11, who have me ripping my hair out with their lack of focus, will out earn me within 5 years as they have carpentry and electrical apprenticeships lined up. (Can we come and do your kitchen for free, miss?!)

For your younger one discussing their future with other parents/individuals with similar needs/medical team would be a good idea to feel informed about what life/independence can look like.

Invisablepanic · 10/03/2025 07:10

The best support you can give isn't financial. You can help your children work out what path is for them, maybe an apprenticeship or other qualification other than A level. Not everybody is suited to the 'expected path' but that doesn't mean they are doomed. I would recommend you work with your eldest to do his best in English and Maths as it will help him out later on.

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/03/2025 07:13

Take it one day at a time. You are doing the best you can.

Fwiw, the most well-off people in my extended family aren't those with formal education. My cousin just retired very comfortably at 53 and I doubt he's picked up a book since age 16. He was a general labourer at a council, doing maintenance for 35 years. Slow and steady, never missed work, careful with his money. He talking about buying a small flat in Hawaii. For cash. Meanwhile a cousin who is a solicitor is deep in debt.

You don't need a lot of money to instill solid financial values. Are you as frugal as you could be now?

It will all work out.

x2boys · 10/03/2025 07:15

I'm in a similar position my 18 who isn't academic anyway had a terrible time in year 11 and missed a full half term of school due to being in intensive care his GCSE results were not great and he's still playing catch up
For those saying a trade ,your son would still need at least a grade four in maths and Engish, and probably more for the more desirable apprenticeship, s.

x2boys · 10/03/2025 07:17

Dogsaresomucheasier · 10/03/2025 07:10

I do understand the anxiety, but a high-level academic performance and earning potential do not have to be linked. Two of my bottom set year 11, who have me ripping my hair out with their lack of focus, will out earn me within 5 years as they have carpentry and electrical apprenticeships lined up. (Can we come and do your kitchen for free, miss?!)

For your younger one discussing their future with other parents/individuals with similar needs/medical team would be a good idea to feel informed about what life/independence can look like.

I assume they are on course for a grade 4 maths and English?

ScienceFanGirl · 10/03/2025 07:17

I was very academic at school, top set of a grammar, good GCSEs and A levels, a degree, a masters degree, and another post graduate qualification.

But due to factors other than academics I currently work 2 days a week earning minimum wage.

It's not all just about exams.

Somanylemons · 10/03/2025 07:18

If I were in your shoes I’d try and move to a lower cost of living area and start researching - and talking more positively - about jobs and careers that aren’t professions.

This might allow you to release some equity to save for their future and make it easier for them to get on the market.

I’m from one of those places - my DB is a scaffolder and has been home owner since mid twenties. I moved London and work in corporate - bought a flat at 32. I’m not necessarily happier. I wouldn’t want to live his life - but tbh he wouldn’t want mine - he’d hate to be stuck in an office.

I have lots of friends who went to school in the SE and anecdotally I’ve heard schools are much more pushy around getting to a ‘good’ university. This might be good for some kids but if this won’t suit yours then maybe looking for an area with good school/FE college provision for more practical subjects would be better.

What do your kids enjoy doing? Do they have an idea what they’d like to be ?

cramptramp · 10/03/2025 07:23

I gave neither of my children any financial help. They've done just fine without it. Both now own their own homes.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 10/03/2025 07:24

Agreeing it’s what others have said, higher education does not necessarily mean better career prospects at all. I think the opposite in many cases. I have a degree, my husband does not and significantly out earns me, he has many years more practical experience

charmanderflame · 10/03/2025 07:26

Being predicted low grades at 13 years old doesn't make it a self fulfilling prophecy, OP. What can you and the school do to help him? He has another 2-3 years before he sits his GCSEs, this can be turned around with the right support.

But also as people above are saying, grades are not everything. My sibling flunked school and is now a millionaire. What does he want to do? Does he have any talents or ambition?

Octavia64 · 10/03/2025 07:28

You are spiralling.

50% of children do not go to university.

You live in a very very expensive area. If your children decide to live elsewhere as adults then the cost of housing and the cost of living is significantly less.

My DD is at uni in Newcastle. You can buy a perfectly reasonable flat there for under 100k which is well within reach of most people.

Many of the people who do not go to uni earn very well - in traditional trades, or through self employment or in business.

Calm down.

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