To develop anxiety about not being able to finance DCs futures

[Alabamasunset]

I really need some advice.
Over the past two years, I have developed significant anxiety about the sobering fact that we are not going to be able to, in any way, help our DC out financially as they move in to their early adulthood. And this is really panicking me.
They are 11 and 13.
My 11 year old has SEN and is academically 5 years behind her peers in her reading, spelling and maths.
My 13 year old has received a GCSE forecast from his school, which has predicted that he is going to get bottom grades in all of his subjects.
Their prospects seem depressing. If my 13 year old is going to get the lowest scores in all his GCSEs, and my 11 year old is 5 years behind her actual school year group due to SEN meaning she will never catch up in time to pass any GCSEs, then neither of them are going to get to college for A levels, which in turn means no university.
This translates that their occupations are going to be extremely limited. They won't get in to any of the professions if they can't achieve school leavers GCSEs. And this in turns limits their earning potential.
With their limited earning potential due to poor prospects upon leaving school with poor or no GCSEs, I cannot see how they are ever going to earn enough money to achieve a good standard of living or to be able to buy a home. They will never be able to save up enough money for a deposit. They will never be able to afford monthly mortgage repayments on houses that sell for half a million pounds for a 3 bed semi (we live in SE , not by choice but it's just where me and DH grew up).
The cost of living is astronomical. Food prices are unbelievably high. Gas, electric, water rates, council tax are all unbelievably high. Running a car is really expensive. Buying a home as a first time buyer feels out of reach. How will my DC go on afford any of these things in adulthood if they're not going to come out of school with any decent GCSEs?
Meanwhile, DH and I have no savings. None. We both work in public facing professions (NHS) and what comes in each month goes straight back out again. We can't keep on top of the rising cost of living. It has hugely impacted on us. Our mortgage repayments have sky rocketed over the past year since our fixed term ended and the new interest rate was much higher. We are living on a month by month basis. Our wages come in each month, they go straight back out again on all our living expenses and there is nothing left until we get paid again. We have no hope whatsoever of saving for our DCs futures. Literally none.
They will enter early adulthood and we will have nothing to give them to help them take their first steps into adult life.
DH has no parents, they both died when he was in his 20s and he was left no inheritance as the proceeds from their house sale covered their outstanding mortgage (they had recently remortgaged to a high level before dying). My DM rents, she is not a homeowner. My DD also rents. So I am never going to receive any inheritance.
All my friends are saying that when they inherit houses from their parents when they die in the future, they are going to pass it straight on to their children to help them get their own homes when they're adults. My DC will have nothing from grandparents.
I'm really, genuinely getting in to a state of anxiety about not being able to afford to provide for my DC financially when they start out in their adult lives.
I'm waking at 3am every night worrying about it. I'm getting headaches and stomach aches about it. I'm basically really panicking all of the time about DH and I not being able to help secure their futures financially in any way, combined with the fact that their earning potential is looking bleak, combined with phenomenal house prices and COL crisis.
Does anyone have any advice?
The level of anxiety I'm experiencing about their futures has started to make me feel physically unwell.

I know several people who have sold up, moved up north to be mortgage free. Allowing them to have better quality of life & save for future.

If all else fails OP, they can live with you a while longer while they learn their trade or get on their feet. If you’ve paid off your mortgage in the south East then they are likely to inherit something eventually and get their own homes! There is no way I’d move up north on the off chance they won’t be able to stand on their own two feet. Chances are they will

These days he would need at least grade four, s in maths and English probably more fir the more desirable apprenticeship, s.

You need money to start your own business you can't start it out of thin air
Also your husbands business must be unique in accepting young people wanting to to apprenticeship without grade four in maths and English it's a stumbling block for do many kids

University? I say this as someone with degreeS. Unless you really need it for your job, don’t go. It’s a waste of time and money.

Learn a skill. He must be good at something.

Getting him going now. It doesn’t cost anything to start gardening, cleaning etc.

Do you know electricians? Plumbers?

Exactly. Entry requirements for the most basic entry level apprenticeship all want level 4 English and Maths.

My son couldn't even apply to do an apprenticeship in cleaning the local forests and parks because he hasn't got English and Maths grade 4 - and that's with voluntary experience.

A lot of people on this thread seem to think low achieving is getting 4s and 5s at GCSE then getting a trade apprenticeship. That's not low achieving - it's the middle ground and with the current cost of university a lot of bright, competitive students also apply for apprenticeships.

The reality of low achieving is 1s and 2s at GCSEs or not getting any at all because of low/no school attendance and/or significant SEN. It's incredibly hard to build upwards from this.

I'm not saying this because I think it will happen to the OPs children - far too early to judge given their ages. I just think MN sometimes has an unrealistic idea about what low achieving really looks like.

I agree 4,s and 5 s will get students on to most level 3 courses ,and many students progress to university on completion of a level 3 course even if they don't itsxa decent qualification in its own right.

“This translates that their occupations are going to be extremely limited.”

utter nonsense. Uni is usually pointless and a waste of money.

Yes definitely this. My son is bright and hard working but has inattentive adhd = finds exams very hard and even with resits and loads of hard work he still has only got grade 2's. Like I said upthread he can't even get an apprenticeship cleaning forests. Wasn't allowed to progress to the next level of his trade course at college because he didn't get the 4s in Maths and English despite passing the trade level 1. Colleges have all the shiney posters outside at Apprenticeship week but you go in and its the same story - Gcse level 4 Maths and English or don't bother applying.

My cousin left school with bare minimum grades, started work as an apprentice electrician , he’s moved companies a few times, had a few promotions and is now the managing director for a certain company for the whole of Scotland, earning really good money.

not bad for leaving school with not very much.

Yeah but you need at least grade fours in English and maths now and more for the more desirable apprenticeship, s

Sometimes it’s not what you know but who you know.

im in Scotland and don’t know what grade fours are equivalent to up here.

I know a few young people who haven’t had the expected grades who have managed to get apprenticeships with local companies .

“My DD20 makes £4K a month in her own small business doing marketing support and my DD18 is smashing it on Instagram and TikTok so is looking at influencer opportunities whilst working at McDonalds.”

No wonder you don’t lie awake worrying, many experienced adults don’t earn £4k a month! If it were that easy everyone would be doing it. What a smug dismissive post. 🙄

That's a bit sexist!

Girls can be plumbers or electricians and boys can be hairdressers or look after children.

In fact I bet that a female tradie would be in high demand from women living alone. I would definitely hire one.

@LondonFox wtf?!?!

My son wasn’t academic and didn’t go to uni but he has trained as a chef and doing fine. My daughter went to college but chose not to go uni and now works for nhs.

Im a single parent and can’t help them financially but they will always have a roof if they need one.

It's worth you and your 13 year old talking to their school about how they can improve their potential GCSE scores - you might find the school have given a deliberately pessimistic forecast at this stage.

• there may be non GCSE options available that involve continuous assessment which may work better for your child.
• it's worth encouraging your child to find a paper round / other job that's suitable for their age and current skills - this has the potential for them to have a job / apprenticeship they can start when they're ready to leave full time education.
• also consider hobbies / activities that have the potential to help with finding a job (sports coaching / childcare)
• don't discount them joining the military

For your younger child, planning for adulthood is meant to start in Year 9 for children with an EHCP. Currently there are vehicles called supported internships available to help people with learning difficulties into supported employment. They'll probably be called something else by the time it's relevant to you.

You eventually won't have a mortgage which will free cash to help your children and eventually will have the freedom to move out of south east England to a cheaper but of the country. (Though you may not want to do this for all sorts of reasons).

You may want to plan for one or both of your children to live with you for the longer term - life will be cheaper for all of you to live together.

Hi op,

Are your children kind?
Most achieved in life, with or without means, is through and with others so I would endeavour they are kind over them being high achievers.

They will find something they enjoy I sure hope and school is absolutely not the only way to achieve that. It is more difficult for parents to navigate though so I would try to find a Facebook group or any parenting group for children whom don’t « fit in ». There are plenty enough.

Find your peop and relax. They will be just fine in the end provided that you calm down (easier said than done I know)

Good luck 👌

Quite frankly you are the one who is not achieving with this view on the world. Have you seen how much some self employed trades people make? My son is t interested in school, uni etc he just want to work. So if he doesn’t get an apprenticeship at 16 he will find work. The way he sees it is if he gets a wage, gets his head down he has a decent 5 years to save up for a house deposit whereas the uni students will be graduate with as much in debt. Yes in the long term they may overtake him but quality of life means diff things to diff people.

Your children could live with you until at least 25, maybe later. In that time they can save all the money they earn.

I also think they must have some talents or interests that you could nurture. Focus on that and support them.

I think the Government needs to tax the super rich. It’s ridiculously unfair that anyone has these worries while some people have extreme wealth and pay little or no tax. Look up Gary’s Economics on You Tube. Everything he says makes sense.

Predicted grades are just predicted. What can he do between now and then to improve? What are the school doing to help him? Are you tutoring?

I know this may come a bit of a surprise, but people in ‘low level’ jobs still have wonderful and fulfilling lives.

you are setting your kids up to fail if this is how you are bringing them up. They are not going to fail at school, they are going to do the best of their ability and that will be brilliant.
They will get jobs and unless they are told otherwise, they will be proud of those jobs and work hard at it.
i know people with great degrees that are miserable and hate their jobs, one left a high powered job and now works at Aldi and is unbelievably happy. They earn enough to pay the mortgage on a normal house and a holiday every year. They also spend quality time with their wife and kids. His parents were/are very disappointed in him and constantly told him so. He’s now no contact with them.

Sounds like you need to speak to your GP. Waking up at 3am with worry is not normal and it's not healthy.

One solution would be to move up north where house prices are significantly cheaper.

Don’t you know what electricians and plumbers earn nowadays? A good apprenticeship leaves them well-equipped to stand in their own feet without a bucketload of debt the size of a mortgage around their necks.
You’re over-thinking this. Your child with special needs may need your help for a long time but I know a chap with special needs who started his own little odd-job, gardening business when he left school, bought a house and lives a nice, comfortable life altho’ he’s not earning mega-bucks. As you get older, you’ll realise that their happiness comes before everything else, and the rest is just smoke and mirrors.