To develop anxiety about not being able to finance DCs futures

[Alabamasunset]

I really need some advice.
Over the past two years, I have developed significant anxiety about the sobering fact that we are not going to be able to, in any way, help our DC out financially as they move in to their early adulthood. And this is really panicking me.
They are 11 and 13.
My 11 year old has SEN and is academically 5 years behind her peers in her reading, spelling and maths.
My 13 year old has received a GCSE forecast from his school, which has predicted that he is going to get bottom grades in all of his subjects.
Their prospects seem depressing. If my 13 year old is going to get the lowest scores in all his GCSEs, and my 11 year old is 5 years behind her actual school year group due to SEN meaning she will never catch up in time to pass any GCSEs, then neither of them are going to get to college for A levels, which in turn means no university.
This translates that their occupations are going to be extremely limited. They won't get in to any of the professions if they can't achieve school leavers GCSEs. And this in turns limits their earning potential.
With their limited earning potential due to poor prospects upon leaving school with poor or no GCSEs, I cannot see how they are ever going to earn enough money to achieve a good standard of living or to be able to buy a home. They will never be able to save up enough money for a deposit. They will never be able to afford monthly mortgage repayments on houses that sell for half a million pounds for a 3 bed semi (we live in SE , not by choice but it's just where me and DH grew up).
The cost of living is astronomical. Food prices are unbelievably high. Gas, electric, water rates, council tax are all unbelievably high. Running a car is really expensive. Buying a home as a first time buyer feels out of reach. How will my DC go on afford any of these things in adulthood if they're not going to come out of school with any decent GCSEs?
Meanwhile, DH and I have no savings. None. We both work in public facing professions (NHS) and what comes in each month goes straight back out again. We can't keep on top of the rising cost of living. It has hugely impacted on us. Our mortgage repayments have sky rocketed over the past year since our fixed term ended and the new interest rate was much higher. We are living on a month by month basis. Our wages come in each month, they go straight back out again on all our living expenses and there is nothing left until we get paid again. We have no hope whatsoever of saving for our DCs futures. Literally none.
They will enter early adulthood and we will have nothing to give them to help them take their first steps into adult life.
DH has no parents, they both died when he was in his 20s and he was left no inheritance as the proceeds from their house sale covered their outstanding mortgage (they had recently remortgaged to a high level before dying). My DM rents, she is not a homeowner. My DD also rents. So I am never going to receive any inheritance.
All my friends are saying that when they inherit houses from their parents when they die in the future, they are going to pass it straight on to their children to help them get their own homes when they're adults. My DC will have nothing from grandparents.
I'm really, genuinely getting in to a state of anxiety about not being able to afford to provide for my DC financially when they start out in their adult lives.
I'm waking at 3am every night worrying about it. I'm getting headaches and stomach aches about it. I'm basically really panicking all of the time about DH and I not being able to help secure their futures financially in any way, combined with the fact that their earning potential is looking bleak, combined with phenomenal house prices and COL crisis.
Does anyone have any advice?
The level of anxiety I'm experiencing about their futures has started to make me feel physically unwell.

Going through Uni is not the holy grail of getting a decent job
there are many many people earning loads without it and it saddles you with debt for a long time

Perfect reply

If you can give them a home to live in for as long as they need post 18 that is a huge boost.

Plenty of non-academic jobs are fairly high paying if they wish to earn a lot.

Sometimes children who struggle at school thrive in the adult world as they have skills that are valued outside the narrow confines of school

I have two disabled dc, one has acquired disability through illness, the other is ND, so I completely understand why you are so anxious about your dc’s futures. I was similar when mine were younger.

Mine are now both in their early 20’s, still living at home and probably will be for a long time to come, but my ND dc is currently at uni and thriving. After school they did a supported internship and then took an entry level job for a while, before applying to uni as a mature student. The other has been physically unable to work or study for a few years. They left school with only Maths and English GCSE’s and are just starting to study a subject they love online, which will hopefully help them to at least work part-time from home in the future.

One thing having a child with an acquired, life-long disability teaches you is that you cannot predict or control the future. None of us knows what life will throw at us or our dc, but there are no rules that say they have to follow conventional pathways and do everything in the same way, at the same time as their peers. What they need most is the security of knowing you always have their back and that they can stay with you as long as they need to while they find their way. There is usually a way forward if you can stay calm and rational enough to do your research and work it out. For example, supported internships and apprenticeships are just two options. Your Local Authority’s Local Offer is a good starting place for research, but also the .gov website, which explains post 16 options and how they are funded.

If your SEN dc has an EHCP, make sure you get the support regarding to transitioning to adulthood they are entitled to, by doing your research well in advance of their Annual Reviews and making it clear that’s what you want included in their plan.

My husband is like this with his anxiety. It consumes him and then stresses me because it's all he thinks about. It's tiring. He worries that they will not be able to buy a house, I wouldn't mind, but we rent and are never going to be able to have a house of our own either. Really, he should be more worried about us, middle-aged with no plans to retire because we need to pay rent.

All I can give the kids is my support. I will be encouraging them into trades/apprenticeships rather than university because out of my friendship group, it's the tradespeople who are doing the best in life. And they can stay at home for as long as they need to be able to save for a deposit.

When I was a student I worked at Greggs. I did a Managers Role on a Supervisor wage. I loved it and was very good at my job. I left to concentrate on my degree and Masters. If I'd have stayed it would only have been a few years until Manager and then area Manager. I now earn at 37 what I could have earned at 27 as a Manager in a shop. Academic subjects aren't the be all and end all. They are to give all children and equal education and start in life. There are hundreds of jobs and careers out there that people discover in their 20's and 30's. Try and focus on their interests and skills rather than school.

I worry most about my son because he is deeply academic and I know he will only be happy if he follows his academic passions and goes to university and possibly a PhD but there's no guarantee at all that translates into financial comfort. I will do all I can to support him though.

University these days is not a guarantee of wealth, in fact the only thing it guarantees is a lot of debt (unless you are very wealthy). DH and I both went to university and loved it (and I have 2 degrees) but I expect even though our 4 children are all very bright only 1 of them will go, and the rest will look for apprenticeships or vocational qualifications or go straight into working

All you can do is focus on present. What support can your dc2 access, is there any potential to close that five year lag or access vocational studies? At 13 does your dc1 have 2/3 years in which to focus on studies enough to pass five core subjects, what do they enjoy and what incentivises them? Be proactive with the school about how they and you can support them. Again, post 16 there are options other than A levels.

Your worries are substantiated but anxiety can only get the situation worse. You need to seek medical help for anxiety OP to be able to cope and care for your children for quite a few more years.

Many graduates these days will never be homeowners either btw so it's not about having a degree, but you cannot change macroeconomic and political situation anyway.

University is not the be all and end all. Not everyone is cut out for it, I wasn’t but because of expectation, I wasted three years of my life and went in to debt financing a degree that I never used. Instead of focusing on what they won’t be able to do, focus on what they can and like to do.

I come from a background where inheritances are not the norm, I have traveled the world and have ended up in the arts and culture sector and couldn’t be happier. I live in social housing which means my housing costs are less than a third of my take home pay. I couldn’t think of anything worse than being house rich but cash poor.

Yes I have savings for DD but she won’t be getting her mits on them until she’s lived a little and is able to house and feed herself independently of me.

You have not failed your children by not having buckets of cash to give them. Love and emotionally support them, that’s the gift that will keep on giving.

OK, take a deep breath.. both of my sons have ASD, when my eldest was diagnosed we was told to expect him to have to go into a group home for SEN and that was from the person who diagnosed him! We refused to accept this. We knew he wasn't academic and asked him what he wanted to do, he wanted to join army, couldn't because of his ASD, we asked him what he enjoyed doing, he loved driving so worked towards his HGV licence, which he now has and he earns an absolute fortune! My other son works full time in a shop, they support and absolutely love him, he does some across as a lot younger then he is.but he works and has saved up a good deposit for a house. Trust me it gets better xx

Move to the north of the UK. You work in the NHS, you'll be able to fine equivalent jobs in a different trust. Buy a equivalent sized house. This will allow you to reduce your mortgage. Costs of services are lower up north too eg plumbers, hairdressers, tourist attractions charge less.
Then you'll have some extra cash month to month

Kids will be fine, move now and you might be able to afford a tutor for your 13 year old. Focus on English and maths. So they don't go to uni, that's fine. They won't have massive student loans and a dodgy liver at 21! There's plenty of apprenticeships for trade based jobs which have huge earning potential. Or retail, hospitality, customer service, civil service, jobs. Entry level jobs with training to progress.

If they're raised in the north, they're more likely to settle there as adults, meaning cheaper rents and mortgages for them.

Read your message back.

You are panicking about not being able to give your children something nobody ever gave you either. You haven’t failed at all. You own your own home, which your mum doesn’t, and you will (I assume) have paid off your mortgage when you die, which your in laws never did.

It is not common at all for people to fly up the wealth ladder in one generation because generational wealth is largely what gives people the step up in the first place. So you have achieved more than your parents and PIL, because you have a stable asset to pass on to your own children. They, in turn, will have more of a head start than you did, and hopefully will then be able to provide a little more for their own families in the next generation.

In terms of your children’s prospects, they’re too young for you to know! I did really well at school and I do have a good professional job. Husband left school at 16 and has done extremely well, his earnings surpass mine by multiple multiples. Nobody could have predicted this when he was at your children’s ages.

I went to University, law school, worked in the City and am in management of a national law firm.

My cousin left school at 16, worked as a builder and now earns more money than me, as well as having a better work life balance. He has a pool, several houses and appears to live the absolute LIFE.

My other cousin is a hairdresser. She owns her own business and her house is bigger than mine because she bought it when she was 18 and made money from Property whereas we didn't get on the property ladder until we were 38 and had left London.

Trades and a decent work ethic in something you enjoy is far more important than scraping a 5 or 6 at GCSE. Focus on the basics of English and Maths, resit where you need to.

And take a deep breath in.

People are leaving Uni with on average 60/70k debt. Get your child into a job without that and they will be grateful not to have the huge debt hanging over their working life.

OP if your youngest has SEN are you claiming all the benefits you can?

There are lot of online resources for gcse support too.

It sounds stressful, but you have a blinkered view of life. There are lots of jobs in which your kids could prosper without GCSEs (painter/decorator, gardener, carpet fitter, bus driver etc). Education is important, but there is a big wide world outside of school.

Does the school have a career advisor service? I think you need some professional and realistic ideas of things that can help boost their employment prospects (Saturday job, volunteer work etc)

The focus on academic abilities both in our education system and in society is a real blight. Sadly it puts lots of children off school.

Apprenticeships and technical college trade courses are perfect for young people like your son. By the time he is 18 he could be a skilled tradesman or working his way up in a company as an apprentice.

Your DD will find her niche - she won't be prime minister, but she will have her own contribution to the world to offer.

I think you need to try and look at your children's futures in a more positive light. They will both face their challenges, but they have the greatest asset any child can have: a loving and supportive family.

Take a deep breath

Firstly tons of GCSE's aren't the be or end all. There are many access courses and colleges have courses that help adults work towards their maths and English. They might also be eligible for workplace learning. Plenty of retail recruit and move up to management their own people on their own schemes. They will have transferable skills that can move them elsewhere.

A lot of people also think they will inherit forgetting that their relative will probably need to pay for private care as they get older. What they've got now wealth wise may not be very much when they are 90. So people saying they expect inheritance to pay off debts/mortgage are taking a big risk.

I feel the same op. No saving, no inheritance. Our kids will struggle too. It’s a worry.

It's very easy to look at threads on here and spiral. A lot seem to live in London and have opportunities for schooling and extra curricular that the rest of the country don't and huge salaries.

If I were you I would look into apprenticeship and BTECs. I know kids who are put off uni due to the cost and want to work before applying, which actually makes a lot of sense considering they are trying to make decisions about their future from age 13. It makes far more sense to me to live a bit, discover your role and narrow down what you'd find fun to learn more about. There's no time limit on uni and I am sure if your kids want to go later they will.

I really wish one of mind would go into plumbing or carpentry tbh as it would save a fortune!

A lot of children don't get financial help. My DD didn't. She got an apprenticeship through the council in a customer service style role. She earns 23k, her boyfriend earns 26k in an engineering job. (Non professional) They saved 15k in two years for a house deposit and bought a house last month. They are mid twenties. If dd gets taken on after her apprenticeship ends she will earn 35k.

If your eldest struggles academically he may be better learning a trade after GCSEs and doing a NVQ style qualification or apprenticeship. He could earn a lot as a plumber/electrician/welder/plasterer etc once he's working he will be able to contribute to your household and/or save.

Younger ds it will depend on his needs. I have an autistic son, I'm not sure if he will work or be independent in which case we will continue to support him.

I think you're worrying unnecessarily, there are plenty of apprenticeships, trade openings etc which don't require a fistful of GCSEs, but I want to say that 'all your friends' sound like idiots. Do they think their parents are just going to dutifully die before they need care, leaving the proceeds from the sale of high-value homes to pass intact to their children? Hollow laugh at that.

Lots of others have said very wise things about different pathways and opportunities which I v much agree with, so I won't repeat that.

But I did want to say that help in early adulthood comes in so many forms beyond financial. My husband's parents helped us with major DIY stuff in our 20s - they couldn't help us with £, but their time and experience was invaluable.

I hope you might be able to focus a bit more on what both you and they can/could do, rather than what you fear won't be possible.

If you both work for the NHS can you move to a cheaper area ?
Not everyone needs to go to uni.
Also , everyone you think are going to get big inheritances , nothing is guaranteed and you shouldn't base future plans on an inheritance that might never happen.