To develop anxiety about not being able to finance DCs futures

[Alabamasunset]

I really need some advice.
Over the past two years, I have developed significant anxiety about the sobering fact that we are not going to be able to, in any way, help our DC out financially as they move in to their early adulthood. And this is really panicking me.
They are 11 and 13.
My 11 year old has SEN and is academically 5 years behind her peers in her reading, spelling and maths.
My 13 year old has received a GCSE forecast from his school, which has predicted that he is going to get bottom grades in all of his subjects.
Their prospects seem depressing. If my 13 year old is going to get the lowest scores in all his GCSEs, and my 11 year old is 5 years behind her actual school year group due to SEN meaning she will never catch up in time to pass any GCSEs, then neither of them are going to get to college for A levels, which in turn means no university.
This translates that their occupations are going to be extremely limited. They won't get in to any of the professions if they can't achieve school leavers GCSEs. And this in turns limits their earning potential.
With their limited earning potential due to poor prospects upon leaving school with poor or no GCSEs, I cannot see how they are ever going to earn enough money to achieve a good standard of living or to be able to buy a home. They will never be able to save up enough money for a deposit. They will never be able to afford monthly mortgage repayments on houses that sell for half a million pounds for a 3 bed semi (we live in SE , not by choice but it's just where me and DH grew up).
The cost of living is astronomical. Food prices are unbelievably high. Gas, electric, water rates, council tax are all unbelievably high. Running a car is really expensive. Buying a home as a first time buyer feels out of reach. How will my DC go on afford any of these things in adulthood if they're not going to come out of school with any decent GCSEs?
Meanwhile, DH and I have no savings. None. We both work in public facing professions (NHS) and what comes in each month goes straight back out again. We can't keep on top of the rising cost of living. It has hugely impacted on us. Our mortgage repayments have sky rocketed over the past year since our fixed term ended and the new interest rate was much higher. We are living on a month by month basis. Our wages come in each month, they go straight back out again on all our living expenses and there is nothing left until we get paid again. We have no hope whatsoever of saving for our DCs futures. Literally none.
They will enter early adulthood and we will have nothing to give them to help them take their first steps into adult life.
DH has no parents, they both died when he was in his 20s and he was left no inheritance as the proceeds from their house sale covered their outstanding mortgage (they had recently remortgaged to a high level before dying). My DM rents, she is not a homeowner. My DD also rents. So I am never going to receive any inheritance.
All my friends are saying that when they inherit houses from their parents when they die in the future, they are going to pass it straight on to their children to help them get their own homes when they're adults. My DC will have nothing from grandparents.
I'm really, genuinely getting in to a state of anxiety about not being able to afford to provide for my DC financially when they start out in their adult lives.
I'm waking at 3am every night worrying about it. I'm getting headaches and stomach aches about it. I'm basically really panicking all of the time about DH and I not being able to help secure their futures financially in any way, combined with the fact that their earning potential is looking bleak, combined with phenomenal house prices and COL crisis.
Does anyone have any advice?
The level of anxiety I'm experiencing about their futures has started to make me feel physically unwell.

My dd was so non academic school was a nightmare for her. She is however very sociable and works as a talent spotting manager. She entertains over lunch, goes to parties, premiers etc.. it's her dream job. Your kids might not be academic but that's not everything! They just have to find what they enjoy doing.

Not being able to afford their own home is very real for most people in theory 20s/30's now, academic or non academic.

There is a difference between being academic and being capable of acquiring skills to a high level. Just because someone has nil interest or aptitude in fronted adverbials or calculus does not mean they are incapable of becoming highly skilled in a trade.

My nephew left school with nil bits of paper, but he now runs a facility for people with learning disabilities - he is the manager.

Do you own your own home OP?

I didn’t go to uni, barely got A Levels, don’t have a degree, didn’t get family help and am living a lovely, happy, fulfilling life. I work and have kids. There are others things than academics that can lead to success in life (soft skills, practical skills, interpersonal skills, social skills, executive function skills, luck etc). Try not to worry too much.

It's totally understandable when you feel you are only just holding on, to worry about someone who has another obstacle to holding on. The healthy thing is to channel that anxiety into action, what can you actually do?

As others have said, moving to a less high pressured, expensive area might be an option. I have a cousin who grew up in the SE, went to university etc but had MH problems. She now lives very happily on a Scottish Island with a couple of hundred people on it, where everyone kind of mucks in and most people have the same standard of living. She loves that it's a totally different way of life and wouldn't come back. You don't have to go that far, but even opening their eyes to a different way to living than the SE might help.

You could also focus on what your DCs do enjoy and are good at and kind of throw everything at that. Are they good with children, like to dance, have any special interests? My DS will probably be able to go to university but currently wants to be a tree surgeon - wants to be outside all day and loves climbing. I can see him being very happy in that life and incredibly healthy.

You also need to reflect a little on the guilt and responsibility you feel. How sympathetic would you feel towards your parents if they had felt this way, staying up all night worrying about still being in rented accommodation and not able to help you? That is how nice you have to be to yourself.

Apprenticeships are the way forward, they earn and learn then.

I went to uni and found it a total waste of time, I make far more money being self-employed and I could have done that without wasting 3 years and racking up debt.

It's a good thing that uni isn't an option for them as then you'd just feel guilty about not being able to afford it.

Disagree. Uni is not the be all end all - and does mean masses of student loan debt, and I cannot see this situation improving. Would instead highly recommend your oldest looks at the building trade and other skilled trades instead, there's a shortage of skills and (in southern England esp) it's definitely a case of tradesmen are the highest earners and can name their price (DH is supposedly retired, but did work on Saturday for a mate who needed his very specific skillset for £2.2k just for the one day - affluent customer was paying whatever it cost and that was the figure for which DH would agree to work).
For your youngest, can you afford a tutor or a 6th form student once/twice a a week for the maths skills, and can you both spend extra time on reading skills with her?
Does she have specific interests? A friend's daughter has finally passed her GCSE maths aged 24 after a varied career since leaving school at 16 ending up working (and qualifying) as a beautician. Now working in a high end establishment the Christmas presents and tips were amazing, and she's happy and absolutely loves it.
No student debts will be a blessing in years to come.

Are you getting DLA payments for your SEN child?

My DD was written off at 4 - told she would never cope with mainstream school or manage GCSEs due to her special needs. I was determined that wouldn’t be her future and have fought with everything I had to improve her lot. I went to appeal after appeal to get her an excellent special school place. I worked with her at home every single day - did workbooks, lots of reading etc. She then did so well at special school that she transferred to mainstream and again, I fought everyone to get her a rock solid EHCP. I continued working with her every day - we only had Xmas day and Boxing Day off!

At 11 she passed the 11 plus and won an academic scholarship to a top school. At 14, she is now predicted top GCSE grades. I still work with her every single evening. Since she was 4, she has done some
extra work with me every night of her life.

Academic improvements can be made but they take a lot of dedication and perseverance at home. There’s so much online to help you now as well. This is the best investment for their future.

Also if everyone was a straight A student, going to uni to become a lawyer, teacher or a doctor we would have no one to work in refuse become bus drivers , security personnel or cleaners

we need people from all different backgrounds, different academically levels and different outlooks in life for society to keep the cogs going in our world.

we can’t all be earning mega money or the world would fail.

To do a trade Apprenticeship you still need grades 4 in Maths and English which is out of reach for some kids no matter how hard they try.

And at our college you can do level one in a trade whilst resitting Maths and English but they won't let you progress to level 2 unless you passed grades 4 in your maths and English resits, even if you passed you level 1 in the trade subject.

They don't make it easy and it's a reality that some kids just aren't academic and really struggle and face years resitting gcses they're never going to pass in order to try and access some sort of trade. I'm living this now with my kids and it's both worrying and depressing.

Exactly this and they are gaining in status as well, not that they ever deserved the low status they got.

Children can have a bright future, no university required.

You are borrowing problems from tomorrow. If your kids have a good work ethic and cheerful personalities they will do well in life. With or without qualifications.

I think your worries are legitimate. That's not to say that your children can't overcome some of the issues they face, but life is certainly tough at the moment and is likely to continue on that trajectory. I'm sorry you have this anxiety. I would be exactly the same if I had children. You can only do your best to guide them as well as you can, which I am sure you will, as you sound caring and thoughtful. Good luck to you all.

The best thing you can do to try and alleviate some of your anxiety is to look for positive role models via being involved with disability groups. The teens in my son's group often drop out of school and end up doing other routes entirely. Apprenticeships, volunteering, college courses etc. I used to worry similarly but now I've realised that there's no one standard route that suits everyone.

In terms of finances, I have BSc and MSc and had a well paid job until having children, DV, divorce and now only thing able to work part time due to my child being pt at school. I'm finding it really problematic because I'm over qualified for most jobs I apply for and don't get anywhere. Qualifications aren't always helpful!

Presumably, your children will need to move to a less overpriced area. Civilised life is possible outside London and the south east.

OP, they are who they are and they will get what they get. and not every parent can afford to subsidise their DC into adulthood. The best thing you can do is to manage their expectations without stifling their dreams.

I would also get some counselling for your anxiety so that you can think about everything in a rational way.

Maths and English can be resat at college if they need to. DD is doing a course in Acting, which is continuous assessment with no exams. She is dyspraxic, dyslexic and recently diagnosed with ADHD and referred for ASD. She struggled all her way through school and came out with 8/9 GCSE's mainly 4/5's and 1 grade 6.

She wants to go to Uni, but understands that I can't afford to subsidise her for 3 years, so if she does go, she will have to take all grants available and get a job.

I wish that she were interested in a trade or profession as I would have encouraged her to do an apprenticeship rather than go to college full time. I don't want her to accumulate all that debt.

I left school with 5/8 GCSE's , did a YTS in a bank, did an NVQ4 in accountancy in my 20's and now run my own successful business. Uni isn't everything.

How sad you are writing off your children's future before it has even begun. Many people who earn good money did not go to university - so stop thinking that uni is the only way to success because that is simply not true.

I think one of the best things for you to achieve is a sense of hope for the future for them. ( lots of great advice on here so far in what to do ) In that way you will be less anxious and you will therefore not be passing on a sense of anxiety and fear of the future to them.

You need to stop stressing this is all things you cannot control. There is much more than academic qualifications and professions there's apprenticeships and lots of alternative pathways the most important thing is they find a career they enjoy. No one is owed an inheritance and there are plenty of other affordable areas to live in. My step brother was left a property that was sold to pay debt in the estate so even if you think you have a plan nothing is guaranteed. Just support them whatever way you can there's more to life than GCSEs

Just echoing what others are saying op, lying awake worrying about the future won't help the here and now. Your children are loved, nurtured and supported and growing up in a home with parents who work.... that in itself sets the basis of a stable home life and expectations for the future.
Not all children are academically clever but you can support them to do their best and achieve what they can, pursue activities that build their confidence, interests and skills, develop their interaction and communication with other people, promote having a positive attitude and a willingness to work, good timekeeping and attendance....
With regards to their future many high schools have actively built connections with local employers and training centres so watch for school careers fayres to go along and see what's on offer and start building your knowledge of what employers and other opportunities are open to young people in your area, be that on the job or via college & training centres, spend some time on your commute to work looking at the local businesses you pass, is what they do a potential area of interest, where & how do they recruit?
Look in advance at modern apprenticeship opportunities (often advertised around this Feb/March time of year) with a wide range of roles with bigger companies & also many additionally recruit for year in industry opportunities, these let people get a foot in the door. Look at what incentives there are for small business start up and on social media at what people are doing successfully as small business or side hustles locally, gardening, car washing, yard boys, dog walking, party supplies like balloons & photobooths, cakes, catering. Take an active interest in friends and colleagues when perhaps conversation is work related for someone else in their circle, so many jobs you're not even aware of outside your own immediate circle.
Many have mentioned trade apprenticeships and yes, these often require a few entry qualifications but there are lots of employers who are simply looking for good employees. If it's an area of interest look at opportunities in the utilities & infrastructure sector. Work is always ongoing to maintain and upgrade. My DH works in the energy sector and the industry as a whole are massively recruiting nationwide over the next 5 years to meet 2030 targets. Basic requirements for overhead lines and underground cabling are over 18, clean driving license and not afraid of heights and hard graft. The big companies have a very competitive recruitment process but most work with smaller contractors who pay equally to retain their trained staff and work with supporting companies for environmental surveys, supplies, scaffolding, tree surgeons, haulage...
Please stop beating yourself up over right now not having a nest egg to help your kids onto the housing market a decade and more down the line and think of what you hopefully can support them with like actively looking into opportunities that might interest them. Many of us are in a similar situation and just doing our best to guide our young ones. Offering them a roof above their heads in a safe and stable home as they move into adulthood is enough and perhaps work towards smaller goals you can help with financially like helping them fund driving lessons when the time comes.

Neither of my sons were particularly academic. The oldest did The Knowledge and his now a London black taxi driver and earns well. The younger got a degree in Business Management ( f knows how; I don’t remember him ever reading a book). He now works for an international company. Don’t write kids off. There are many opportunities if they have a loving home and supportive parents plus (and this is important) ambition and a drive to succeed x

Consider relocating. Selling a home in the south east assuming with equity will get you a decent sized home in other areas. Your wages will also go further. I'd invest in a tutor for both kids to help them achieve their potential. It is way too early to write a kid off aged 13 based on a scoring system. There is research to show that children with involved parents do better in terms of education. Both of you need to actively participate in their learning so checking where they are in terms of ability, good communication with school so you can identify gaps in learning and plug them, checking homeworking completed. It's not always about achieving the highest grades possible but achieving their own potential and encouraging their interests towards potential careers.

You should seek help for your anxiety from your gp or a mental health nurse.

Our builder is amazing at his job. I’ve no idea how many qualifications he has (probably hardly any) but I do know my company alone pays him well over £100k a year which probably translates into a minimum of £50k profit for him, and he has other clients too. He will never be short of work.

Apparently our local electricians are struggling to recruit, despite pretty decent salaries being offered, the plumber is almost impossible to get hold of because he has so much work, and the joiner too. My plumber just bought a very nice house so he must be doing something right. And they have no student debt!

If I had a not very academic child then I would be encouraging them to take an interest in a trade. Learning a skill of course takes a level of intelligence, but it is not really comparable to academics.