To develop anxiety about not being able to finance DCs futures

[Alabamasunset]

I really need some advice.
Over the past two years, I have developed significant anxiety about the sobering fact that we are not going to be able to, in any way, help our DC out financially as they move in to their early adulthood. And this is really panicking me.
They are 11 and 13.
My 11 year old has SEN and is academically 5 years behind her peers in her reading, spelling and maths.
My 13 year old has received a GCSE forecast from his school, which has predicted that he is going to get bottom grades in all of his subjects.
Their prospects seem depressing. If my 13 year old is going to get the lowest scores in all his GCSEs, and my 11 year old is 5 years behind her actual school year group due to SEN meaning she will never catch up in time to pass any GCSEs, then neither of them are going to get to college for A levels, which in turn means no university.
This translates that their occupations are going to be extremely limited. They won't get in to any of the professions if they can't achieve school leavers GCSEs. And this in turns limits their earning potential.
With their limited earning potential due to poor prospects upon leaving school with poor or no GCSEs, I cannot see how they are ever going to earn enough money to achieve a good standard of living or to be able to buy a home. They will never be able to save up enough money for a deposit. They will never be able to afford monthly mortgage repayments on houses that sell for half a million pounds for a 3 bed semi (we live in SE , not by choice but it's just where me and DH grew up).
The cost of living is astronomical. Food prices are unbelievably high. Gas, electric, water rates, council tax are all unbelievably high. Running a car is really expensive. Buying a home as a first time buyer feels out of reach. How will my DC go on afford any of these things in adulthood if they're not going to come out of school with any decent GCSEs?
Meanwhile, DH and I have no savings. None. We both work in public facing professions (NHS) and what comes in each month goes straight back out again. We can't keep on top of the rising cost of living. It has hugely impacted on us. Our mortgage repayments have sky rocketed over the past year since our fixed term ended and the new interest rate was much higher. We are living on a month by month basis. Our wages come in each month, they go straight back out again on all our living expenses and there is nothing left until we get paid again. We have no hope whatsoever of saving for our DCs futures. Literally none.
They will enter early adulthood and we will have nothing to give them to help them take their first steps into adult life.
DH has no parents, they both died when he was in his 20s and he was left no inheritance as the proceeds from their house sale covered their outstanding mortgage (they had recently remortgaged to a high level before dying). My DM rents, she is not a homeowner. My DD also rents. So I am never going to receive any inheritance.
All my friends are saying that when they inherit houses from their parents when they die in the future, they are going to pass it straight on to their children to help them get their own homes when they're adults. My DC will have nothing from grandparents.
I'm really, genuinely getting in to a state of anxiety about not being able to afford to provide for my DC financially when they start out in their adult lives.
I'm waking at 3am every night worrying about it. I'm getting headaches and stomach aches about it. I'm basically really panicking all of the time about DH and I not being able to help secure their futures financially in any way, combined with the fact that their earning potential is looking bleak, combined with phenomenal house prices and COL crisis.
Does anyone have any advice?
The level of anxiety I'm experiencing about their futures has started to make me feel physically unwell.

I understand your worries. I have a DS17 and I worry about his future. At 13 you can’t be certain how well your DS is going to do so I think you are worrying too much. I would suggest getting some tutoring. My DS got his best GCSE grades at English and Maths in which he received tutoring.

A-levels and university are not the only way to economic success. One of the most successful people in my friendship group left school at 16 with no qualifications. I know times were different back then.

A student I know told me she will leave uni with 47K debt. It’s not easy getting graduate jobs either.

Personally, I think trades are the thing to do these days. It’s so hard to find good tradespeople! My friend’s son learnt a trade and at 25 he has worked hard, built up a business and now hiring apprentices.

I don’t understand this at all.

Anyone can start their own business. I did at 30 and have made a lot of money, so did my DH after we both had sort of average jobs and wanted more from life. Now we are doing good nice house etc. will be mortgage free soon. Not a degree between us.

This obsessions with apprenticeships also confuses me. Anyone who can walk and talk can find a local company and pitch themselves in for low initial wages and learn on the job. The young who come to my DHs company don’t have GCSES they have the balls to walk in and ask for a job (PS don’t ever go in on behalf of your teenagers that’s a definite no!) and I’ve taken on loads of people and never even asked for their CV over the years.

I would encourage them to learn about AI and focus on what they are actually interested in not what you or society says is a ‘good job’ at the moment.

My DD20 makes £4K a month in her own small business doing marketing support and my DD18 is smashing it on Instagram and TikTok so is looking at influencer opportunities whilst working at McDonalds.

We support them where we can but I don’t lie awake worrying about them and didn’t when they were barely in school during Covid I just expect things will work out for us all, they usually do.

Maybe focus on your anxiety and mindset because you’ve got your life to life and they’ve got theirs.

Oh please.
If your DCs are boys they can go unto trade and by the time their generation is out of the uni with a load of debt they will be cashing above 50k a year or more if they haveanysense to work outside the contracted hours for themselves.
If girls, they can do anything beauty, cleaning, wedding or children related and earn quite a lot as long as they are open to managin their own business or you helping them.
You probably went to uni and have shit pay at nhs, so don't expect children to willingly go down that route...

OP, one step at a time.

focus on the support they need to do do what they need to do now. Then the rest will follow.

There are lots of options post 16 that are more vocational and involve on the job training.

Without knowing what you mean by ppor gcses and how severe the sen is and the impact, I don't know if some of these skilled trades are relevant or not. They'd be well beyond my son but hopefully they are ideas for you.

I agree if you learn a trade now they're in such short supply that you can earn decent money.

However the thing that jumped out immediately from your post was 'we live in the SE, not by choice, we were born there'...you do know that its a choice to stay there right? 'Not by choice' usually means there is only one specific job you're trained in and it's in one area of the country. Or you are a carer for a relative who lives there. What's actually stopping you moving?

Did I just read this in 2025 👀

Some of the most successful, entrepreneurial people I know did crap at school and/or didn't go to uni. And I know Oxbridge educated people who are unemployed and have fallen through the cracks. I understand your worry but there are other routes to success and happiness.

scaffolder
plastering
bricklayers
carpenters
all have daily rate of about £200-250 which is a good earning power.

if you child isn’t academic then foster stamina, hard work, willingness to be in the elements, through sport, though hill walking, through car washing and gardening.

a willingness to follow instruction and to work hard, to keep trying, to be resilient arr actually really valuable life skills and with those they can achieve a good life .

I can’t save for my kids either. I worry about it too. so I understand that worry.

It won’t be their grades holding them back - there are loads of wealthy people who were not great at school. You need to teach them a postive mind set and resilience.

YABU. Inheritances, university etc are all a bonus. Loads of people do well without these things. And even people who do have these things… it’s no guarantee they will make good choices!!

You need to focus on raising well-rounded, resilient people who can cope with the world and not spiral into panic. Should you perhaps see your GP about your anxiety?

Edited to add - a small amount of worry is fine! So much anxiety you can’t sleep - not fine.

Well, for a start, forget uni.

They are not academic so why are you even considering this?

Stop tying your knots about irrelevant things.

What are your kids like? Could they go into, for example, the fire service? That's a great career.

Is your house in the SE worth half a million?

Sell it. Move up north, buy a decent house for £250k, with enough room to comfortably house your kids as young adults, a large cash savings pot, and much lower outgoings.

Calm down OP! My parents haven't been able to help me very much, but their help has been targeted for when it mattered. Would this work for you?

In my case, they gave me £1000 in my mid 20s so that I could write my masters dissertation without having to work part time, and £1000 in my 30s to help with the legal costs of buying my first house. They've also given me the occasional 200 contribution towards taking DC on holiday when they were little.

The real help that my parents have given me cannot be quantified in money. Love, support, encouragement. Practical help, like offering childcare and helping when I had babies, helping with DIY, giving lifts to places before I could drive, helping me to move house, helping me to clean when I was working 3 jobs with young DC. That's the stuff that matters.

It’s pretty true.
of course your daughter can be a scaffolder or pipe fitter.
of course there are women in trades.
1-3% of electricians in UK are women.
Less than 1% of plumbers are women

15% of people working in construction industry in UK are female- and most of these don’t work on site, they work in offices.

https://www.theaccessgroup.com/en-gb/blog/con-women-in-construction/

so yes the OPs kids could break the gender division, but right now she’s focused on working out what they might do in life to keep themselves when they have low academic ability.

men can be beauticians, florists, nail techs etc,
the numbers are low in these fields too.
but yes of course if that’s what they want to do, there’s no reason not to.

Anxiety is natural when things are out of our control.

And the English housing market, not to mention spiralling cost of energy, food, travel etc, while public sector pay fails to keep up (= real terms cut), all seem beyond our control. Us renters are being screwed even harder. We need to build decent, eco-friendly council homes, so people aren’t spending all their money on housing and energy.

If it helps, the way I deal with anxiety is to write it down. Look at what I can control and work on that. Try not to worry about things that haven’t happened yet. Focus on the here and now, one step at a time.

And find pleasure in things that are dependable: the changing seasons, nature, your loved ones. Growing plants or walking in nature. When you wake up every morning and go to bed every night, think of all your blessings: healthy loved ones, food on your plate, your own home etc. And make sure to laugh (even if it’s dark humour) and have fun, despite it all. I learned that from my nan who lived through nightly WW2 bombings with two young kids. Every morning, another family had been wiped out.

Even if your kids don’t get the grades at school, it doesn’t mean there’s no way back to professional jobs. They may take the scenic route. And even if they don’t get professional jobs, they could still be high earners. Trades can make a lot of money. Whereas there are plenty of graduates struggling to get professional jobs and working in bars, call centres or unemployed.

I get where you are coming from, my kids are still in primary school and whilst they have a really tiny pot of savings each (less than 5K currently) there is a very slim chance of us buying them a house between them let alone one each. I won't be encouraging University unless they want to persue something like medicine or a vetinary degree. Instead it will be things like apprenticeships so they don't land themselves in a ton of debt since we won't be able to bail them out.

I had a lot of help but it came from my great grandparents ultimately. It trickled down until it reached my parents who put it aside for me. It wasn't millions but it was enough for a house deposit so that has helped.

I don't expect anything from our parents, none of them are rich and it could all end up on care fees. We will muddle through the best we can, give our kids a decent life in the present rather than scrimping for future savings.

I have no idea what the future holds for them, no idea if by then home ownership will still be a big thing or if house prices will be affordable so whilst I do worry sometimes there isn't a lot we can do about it.

OP, your children will be fine. It's not essential to buy property. If they have low incomes, there is a welfare state to provide assistance.
Your task as a parents is to keep them alive and well as children, and ensure that they attend school. It is not your job to continue to provide for them financially in their adult lives.
You need to relax, or this will completely overshadow their childhoods.

I get it. Stuck in the SE due to responsibilities to Elderly parents. 3 out of 4 of the grandparents have dementia so no inheritance. DSS had moved up north and has a trade. Ironically I’m more worried about DS future as he’s more academic and I can’t see him taking up a highly paid trade, but we can’t afford university. Would move up north too but both my parents are settled in care homes here. No wonder birth rates are plummeting.

OP I understand your panic but honestly I think you need to take some deep breaths. My 3 niece and nephews with good degrees are currently unable to find decent jobs and are back working retail shifts while they send off hundreds of applications.

I am currently waiting for an emergency plumber to come and fix a leak and the call out charge is around £100.

In addition to this I need to replace our shower and the plumbing quotes are around £450 per day to do a straightforward replacement if I buy the shower and enclosure. On top of that the 4 plumbers that I spoke to don't have any availability for a few weeks.

Electricians are about the same.

If my DC don't go to Uni I will definitely be encouraging them to do a trade course.

So please dont worry.

I do think that society went downhill when the Blair government put the target on so many children going to university. It completely changed the dynamic that meant you were perceived as a failure if you weren’t academic and trades were seen as a lower form of career. It absolutely isn’t true and I do believe that it’s ok to not be academic. It is absolutely ok to find something you are good at and be great at it and earn a living from it. OP, rather than be focusing on their low predicted GcSE grades, change the focus to what they can do and what actually interests them and direct them that way. Most jobs really do not involve any sort of academic qualification. Makes me cross children are made to feel a write off by society just because they don’t get English Lit or biology. The fact you are worried and care OP means I am sure they will be Ok

I think 13 is far too young to write a child's prospects off. I know so many people who struggled academically when young and revisted education after a significant period of time and smashed it. Additionally, my partner did poorly in his GCSEs, and decided to go into a trade. He out earns many of his peers who went to university.

University isn't the be all and end all of life and prospects.

Your children may work with their hands, have major skills outside academia.

YABU

This translates that their occupations are going to be extremely limited

Not really. Anyway, doesn’t mean earning potential will be. Have you had any trade services done recently? Every time we need to get a plumber out I sigh and contemplate selling a kidney🤣.

My DH went to university, I just got GCSEs. We earn the same salary.

One of my highest earning friends is a hairdresser, she banks £800 per week after costs. My sister earns more than I do and she has no other qualifications other than GCSEs. My brother is a plasterer and earns similar to my hairdresser friend.

Unless you have a profession you're desperate to go in to, that actually needs a degree, ie law or medicine, university isn't worth the debt.

They will be fine

At that age (11-13) my eldest was also predicted disastrous grades because of undiagnosed dyslexia. Secondary schools are awful for dyslexics and the path to uni was a nightmare but he did manage to get an excellent degree in the end - so don't write off your DCs potential achievements too quickly. But even then, even if they are unable to shine academically, I genuinely think degrees may not be the best preparation for a world in which knowledge will be dominated by AI. I'm serious. My DC2 is unsure what to do and we've been discussing trades. Honestly, being a good plumber, or electrician is something you can always live off. Look for something that is skilled but not knowledge based in an academic sense. They're very young. A lot can happen in life, the world is changing fast, and there will also be good things coming out of those changes :)

People saying get a trade are not being realistic. While not academic, many trades require high level of skill. I'd suggest that the op should do her best to support her children by making them confident and secure. There are always jobs in the service industries, some pay decent salaries with experience. If you can get them interested in hobbies which will help their personal development. Encourage a strong work ethic, build resilience. Stressing won't help, but planning will.