To develop anxiety about not being able to finance DCs futures

[Alabamasunset]

I really need some advice.
Over the past two years, I have developed significant anxiety about the sobering fact that we are not going to be able to, in any way, help our DC out financially as they move in to their early adulthood. And this is really panicking me.
They are 11 and 13.
My 11 year old has SEN and is academically 5 years behind her peers in her reading, spelling and maths.
My 13 year old has received a GCSE forecast from his school, which has predicted that he is going to get bottom grades in all of his subjects.
Their prospects seem depressing. If my 13 year old is going to get the lowest scores in all his GCSEs, and my 11 year old is 5 years behind her actual school year group due to SEN meaning she will never catch up in time to pass any GCSEs, then neither of them are going to get to college for A levels, which in turn means no university.
This translates that their occupations are going to be extremely limited. They won't get in to any of the professions if they can't achieve school leavers GCSEs. And this in turns limits their earning potential.
With their limited earning potential due to poor prospects upon leaving school with poor or no GCSEs, I cannot see how they are ever going to earn enough money to achieve a good standard of living or to be able to buy a home. They will never be able to save up enough money for a deposit. They will never be able to afford monthly mortgage repayments on houses that sell for half a million pounds for a 3 bed semi (we live in SE , not by choice but it's just where me and DH grew up).
The cost of living is astronomical. Food prices are unbelievably high. Gas, electric, water rates, council tax are all unbelievably high. Running a car is really expensive. Buying a home as a first time buyer feels out of reach. How will my DC go on afford any of these things in adulthood if they're not going to come out of school with any decent GCSEs?
Meanwhile, DH and I have no savings. None. We both work in public facing professions (NHS) and what comes in each month goes straight back out again. We can't keep on top of the rising cost of living. It has hugely impacted on us. Our mortgage repayments have sky rocketed over the past year since our fixed term ended and the new interest rate was much higher. We are living on a month by month basis. Our wages come in each month, they go straight back out again on all our living expenses and there is nothing left until we get paid again. We have no hope whatsoever of saving for our DCs futures. Literally none.
They will enter early adulthood and we will have nothing to give them to help them take their first steps into adult life.
DH has no parents, they both died when he was in his 20s and he was left no inheritance as the proceeds from their house sale covered their outstanding mortgage (they had recently remortgaged to a high level before dying). My DM rents, she is not a homeowner. My DD also rents. So I am never going to receive any inheritance.
All my friends are saying that when they inherit houses from their parents when they die in the future, they are going to pass it straight on to their children to help them get their own homes when they're adults. My DC will have nothing from grandparents.
I'm really, genuinely getting in to a state of anxiety about not being able to afford to provide for my DC financially when they start out in their adult lives.
I'm waking at 3am every night worrying about it. I'm getting headaches and stomach aches about it. I'm basically really panicking all of the time about DH and I not being able to help secure their futures financially in any way, combined with the fact that their earning potential is looking bleak, combined with phenomenal house prices and COL crisis.
Does anyone have any advice?
The level of anxiety I'm experiencing about their futures has started to make me feel physically unwell.

University really isn’t the answer. Without drive, determination and talent, it is simply a giant financial burden. I have taught many young people who went because they could, thought they should and are in jobs they could have got at 18. The professions that require degrees may be out of reach and you have to make peace with that. Vocational courses can open the door to well paying skills, and will be open to young people without GCSES- they may simply start at a lower level and progress to level 3 (acknowledged as A level equivalent in terms of size and rough level)

Providing a home for as long as they need one, and then offering practical support when they are ready to leave, is invaluable. Similar to other Pp’s, i didn’t receive nor will i give a deposit for a home (circumstances rather than lack of willing) but my door will always be open.

Lots of sympathy, OP- but - and I mean this gently: you need to get help with your anxiety. It’s an illness, and it’s taking over your life. Please go and see your GP and ask for help or a referral.

As a side note, are you now on a variable or tracker rate for your mortgage? Why not look at another fix which might work out cheaper? You don’t have to stay with the same provider or just go on to the variable rate.

On the point about supporting your children - millions of people don’t get help from their DPs financially - they’re still absolutely fine. I didn’t get help with my wedding and only a really small loan years later from them towards a deposit - most people get nothing and it all works out. Your DC may marry someone better off or end up in better paid employment than you think.

On your DC academically - also, do not worry. Work ethic is more important and many kids come in to their own in mid 20s. My DSis has mild learning difficulties, dyspraxia, dyslexia too and was always bottom set at school, left with only a couple of poor grades at GCSE. A few years later after working as a health care assistant and carer she got on to an access course which gave her grade equivalents to do a nursing degree. She passed in her late twenties and is now a senior nurse in a care home, earning really well with a great quality of life.

Social housing was created to provide good quality homes for those on low incomes - don’t forget council housing and the security of tenure/low rents that come with it. Not everyone needs to own - if you’re low waged it can make more sense to get on the waiting list for a council property and get that secure tenure for life. When your DC come of age get them both to put themselves on the list - they’ll move up it eventually, even if the list seems long to begin with or they’re not immediately top priority. Stick with it, and try the housing associations too.

There are plenty of good jobs which can end up paying well once you move up the rungs a few times and which don’t require a First from Oxford.

Stop catastrophising about the future, enjoy your DC while they’re still young, get help for your anxiety asap - and act positively; that will make a huge difference to your DC. All the best.

Many jobs that don't require education can pay top dollar, carpenter, plumber etc. plus AI will take all the white collar jobs anyway .

I think you should not catastrohise and build up your kids confidence that their whole lives are ahead of them and academic success ain't everything.

It'll be fine!

Ofc women can be plumbers but most women will struggle with various aspects of trades that involves high level of physical strenght. SOME can pull it off but for most it is very hard to adjust even to packages that were designed to be carried by a man, not a woman. Genders do have different muscle/fat ratio.
No note on blokes being hairdressers as it is VERY lucrative and you don't need any sex specific physical attribute

The best earning person I know left school with no GCSEs - I have a first class degree and he earns 4x what I do (I work in the NHS in my defence - absolutely shite pay!)

It's not the be all and end all

Can I also kindly say, that if he has predictions for gcse now, they are often based on what might happen or what has happened to a percentage of children who answered similarly in the same test. But your child, if they work hard could do much much better.

In year 7 my son was predicted a 2 in English. He is now on at least a 5 in year 10. We are hoping for a 6 or 7 by the time he gets to next year. Focus on aiming high and trying hard.
They will pick up on your anxiety.

I definitely think your best plan would be to move much further North if you really want to be better off OP. Have a look at house prices in places like Lincolnshire, Northumberland, Wales, just to name a few. I would think that all of these places are much cheaper than where you live currently, and I'm sure you would be able to get a transfer within the NHS, as from what we're led to believe, they're short staffed everywhere. If your kids are already behind at school, moving them isn't likely to hold them back much, so why not give it some thought. Sadly, in my opinion, too many people are held back by the fact they have family close by, which of course is great if you can afford to live there, but if you can't, and you feel it's contributing to spoiling your kid's chances in life, then make a move to a cheaper area for their sake, if not your own.

hey OP there are some logic flaws in your anxiety. 1. Forecast for your children now = no degree in the future. 2. No degree in the future = no money. 3. No money = no happiness. None of these arguments is true. Your anxiety is based on multiple false arguments. Think about the development AI, who can guarantee that academically successful people will still have the advantage in earning potentials? Most white collars may well be replaced by AI in 10-20 years.

My son has no qualifications. Even if he had I would have been suggesting a trade over a degree. DH has a number of trade friends who

• Earn well
• Have a good work/home life balance as they are mainly self employed
• Have or are creating really nice homes as they call in favours with other trades.
• Don't have a degree between them.

University is not the be all and end all.

Op, you know plumbers, electricians, beauty therapists, nail technicians, carpenters, painters, window cleaners - make a lot of money??

I know a window cleaner who makes £600 a day.

OP this is ‘just’ catastrophising. Your focus now needs to be on managing your anxiety and getting some rest and sleep.

Stop comparing to your friends - “compare and despair” they are a privileged position. It’s not the norm or even necessarily healthy to be providing houses and propping up adult DC.

Get your body out of flight/flight mode, diaphragmatic breathing. I recommend the headspace app (Andy is very calming but so are some of the others). The ‘Tapping Solution’ also really helpful. Yoga, Tai chi. Salt baths. Camomile oil, lavender. Getting outside looking for signs of spring, take a flask of tea!

Who knows what your DC will do later, they are still really young and your role just to support and navigate them through their day to day experience. Academic education isn’t everything. Allow them to develop their confidence and talents, whatever that looks like for them.

The only disservice you are doing your DC is being in a tailspin now about something you can’t change years into the future.

Not everyone has DGP handing down houses! Hopefully you can start to see the ridiculousness of it once you get out of panic mode.

My DD left school 2 years ago with no GCSEs. Got into college but decided it wasn’t for her. She’s now nearly completed a business admin apprenticeship in a school office. There’s always alternative routes into an occupation.

To add, a PP briefly touched on it and you might need to suspend disbelief (given how you are feeling right now) there is a lot of evidence supporting the mental health benefits of developing a regular ‘gratitude’ habit.

Daily (if possible) find 5 things you are grateful for each day, 1 could relate to your DC, 1 to yourself for example: and write them down.

You will start forming new neural pathways out of this habitual lack mindset your brain has formed.

You will be projecting these thoughts onto your children and making them think they’re not good enough!
they will make their own way which it’s took me years to understand, they have to stand on their own 2 feet and they will do because they have to!

My DC had low-middling GCSE grades. Was very difficult among a sea of A* friends and family. Switched to a great FE college at 16, did a BTEC and achieved top grades. Now has offers from top universities - if decides to take them up.

I would look at courses or apprenticeships with the best fit to the learning style of your DC. If school doesn't offer them, look at colleges. Choose a study subject they really enjoy (not what they think they should do) and they can fly.

Encourage them to take part in sports, drama, arts, engineering, coding, games club,- whatever is on offer for free at school/college.

Get out and about at weekends, enjoy walks, picnics and family time. Take all the opportunities you can. Stop worrying about things out of your control and teach your DC to do the same.

Oh and those friends planning to pass inheritance from their parents directly to their DC? Unfortunately some won't get a substantial inheritance at all - due to care home costs and dementia, other health conditions etc. Inheritance isn't a certainty at all, so best not to waste your energy on 'what if' comparisons.

I went to university, my brother didn't. He's not very academic but is good with cars & driving. He has a wagon license and now earns decent money, not far off what I'm earning with a degree and a profession. University isn't right for everyone and doesn't mean they won't have good jobs, they just need to play to their skills. Is relocating an option as a family or for them when they're older if house prices are a big concern? There are far cheaper places to live around the country. To put in perspective, I live in a 3 bed semi with 2 double bedrooms, a good size single bedroom, very big front and back garden and my mortgage is just over £500 a month. There are also many mortgage options available these days for people without a deposit, said brother has just bought his rented property. As he didn't have a deposit, a 'virtual deposit' was added on to the cost of the sale price which he will pay back through his mortgage. Don't loose hope...there are definitely options out there for them, things just may have to be done a little differently!

Please don’t put this much pressure on yourself and children.
i sat in a school meeting with education welfare officers and told my SEN child’s headteacher that exams are not and will not be the be all and end all. The education officers agreed.
there are many other further education levels than school.

Gently OP why do they need to go to University? There are plenty of careers without going to Uni. I didn't go and have done okay

How did she manage that ?
Every apprenticeship I have seen requires grade four at least in maths and English.

I was wondering this too? The lowest apprenticeship level is level 2 and the entry requirements are always Grades 4 English and Maths. In the three years we've been looking I saw an apprenticeship opportunity for bricklaying that wanted grade 3 English grade 4 Maths but that was literally once in three years.

Not all jobs require qualifications like A-levels never mind uni.

Hopefully your kids will show some passion /ability in practical trades. For example I know trades people who can work around school pick up and charge a good hourly rate and hairdressers who have built up their clientele to earn a great living. AI and robots won’t be cooking meals, working on building sites or fixing utilities when they go down for a good few years.

I have a teen at college studying a practical course and average earnings ant some companies are six figures within 10 years of qualifying. A good percentage are retaking GCSE maths and English but they are still in education.

You have 3 years until GCSE. I would try tutoring and studying to see if you can close the gap in maths and English so that you have a better idea of his strengths by end of year 11 and pick a course or apprenticeship that suits him.

A family friend works in flooring and earns a lot more than any of the professions.
Also, the military may not be what you want for your children but they could do an apprentiship, learn a trade and they would teach them to drive. Or you could do things to help them that don't involve handing over cash.
1 - decide to always help them on a practical level if you can. So drive them to job interviews. Prep them for job interviews.
2- teach them to drive yourself to save money.
See what they are interested in and encourage that. Trades people are in massive demand so could they do a trade?
Let them live with you for as long as they need.
Childcare for them in the future?
There are
Lots of things you can do to help.

What subject is your teen studying please?

Calm done and live in the present.
Tomorrow has not arrived yet.
Anything can happen.

Focus on what you can do.
If you can't afford a tutor then look at doing maths and English practise with 13 year old. How many gcse does he have to do? Can they be put down to minimum of 5?