Should I cancel elopement plans?

[PlumHiker]

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

Isn't the whole point of elopement is just going off and getting married - no big deal no fuss no announcements ahead of the marriage, just doing it.
then later people can be informed, if needed.

Why you felt the need to ' share ' with your sister is beyond me, it's after the wedding that you ' share ' with your sister.

So just go ahead, keep quiet get married and live happily ever after.

I know someone who did this too - that is weird!

@HomeworkMonitor

she explained why, and tbh why is having a baby any more important than announcing you are pregnant?

As long as they didn’t announce at the wedding, hey we got married, then I really don’t see the issue.

The sister is just as insensitive to the Ops news , the op would be excited to announce a pregnancy, or in this case sharing about an elopement

@PlumHiker just elope, but just don’t tell anyone, just make sure you don’t wear any rings as your sisters wedding that could give the game away

👏 Bravo.

Well we all have different priorities. I've never understood why people buy huge land-rover when they live in a city with little time spend in the country side or a business to run.. yet they do.

I don't think it's morally inferior (or narcissistic or self-obsessed) for the sister to feel like her thunder has been stolen. Lots of people place huge importance on the handful of days in their life where they are centre of attention for a bit and that's OK. People are allowed to want big fancy frilly weddings where the couple are the centre. It's not just the modern capitalist wedding nightmare (although that is an issue), lots of Indian and Jewish weddings are big events.

Does kind of remind me of this Friends clip 😁:
M

With the pregnancy- it's not like anyone was going to see your growing belly, surely you could have just asked in-laws to keep it quiet for a week?

Don't delay getting married for her, but if she's going to be a princess over it ( and it doesn't bother you because you have already been together for so long) then just don't announce it until after her day.

Elope. Don’t tell anyone. Announce it at the time she asked you to wait until. She sounds like a diva, but whatever - it doesn’t need to impact your plans.

Horrified? Seriously? Nobody died did they? I cannot believe this kind of attitude, people need to get over themselves!

It does make me wonder how many months before and after these events any other announcement is acceptable? Six months either side maybe? It’s truly ridiculous.

Does this overshadowing only work with births and marriages or does it include deaths too? In which case my Nan dying a week after my Grandfather was peak thunder stealing behaviour.

Why? What exactly is going happen to the sister if your rules aren’t applied? Will she spontaneously combust?

I wouldn't let this stop you getting married - you need the legal protection.

There's no need to tell anyone though or wear a ring at her wedding. Just keep it low key, and maybe have a party another time/year/or never.

So if a family member tells you they’re upset about something you automatically just don’t do it? What?!

there's always going to be that one loud mouth "WHAT? YOU GOT MARRIED, JOYCE, JOYCE, SHARON AND DAVE GOT MARRIED, OMG "

across the table at the meal... even if OP didn't want to steal the limelight, there's no controlling how other people react to the news...

Best not mention it at the wedding.

She will. Just as brides apparently do if someone wears a white dress to their wedding. Will no one think of the brides whose photos show only a burnt spot on the grass at the local beauty spot, beside an incredulous-looking groom?

I think it's the before bit tbh, and the fact she actively told her sister rather than just eloping.

The sister has probably been planning her wedding for over a year, then OP suddenly books her wedding for 2 months before and tells sister this. Clearly the sister feels there's a pattern to this.

Sister shouldn't be making demands or getting really cross, but I totally get why she is a bit disappointed.

Your sister is ridiculous and clearly not mature enough to have either a baby or a wedding.

This! This thread is insane! My son is getting married in July and many of their friends have got married/are getting married, had babies/are pregnant at the same time and not once has anyone complained of any ‘thunder stealing’!
I suggest those of you who think like this need to get out more and stop being so bloody self absorbed, I bet you’re no fun at parties 😂

Because having a baby is a massive deal. It’s hugely life changing and does come across as the OP saying “ok well enough about the new baby, there’s another on the way.”

So nobody is allowed to do anything that might displease a relative? What if the SISTER didn't want the OP to get married at all?

I imagine that is what the sister is concerned about though. It's not a stretch for well meaning but inappropriate relatives to react with 'oh lovely, it'll be a double celebration!' type reactions. Or that it gets a little mention in a speech. And then her wedding day starts to become both of their wedding days.
OP has said she's not planning on telling anyone, which would obviously avoid that, but I can see why the sister would be a bit FFS about it. Together for 15 years and choosing 2 months before the sister's wedding, which will be the first time seeing all the family after the elopement is timing I'd side eye. I don't think it's any terrible crime but if it was a choice my sister made I would at a minimum be curious about the why of it all.

Nope, still don’t get it! It’s petty, controlling behaviour and it’s not healthy. They are both of an age when they will be having babies and getting married, her sister cannot and should not expect there to never be a clash or overlap of some sort. A wedding is just one day, I hope she pays as much attention to her marriage.

Does the sister get to set an agenda for what anyone is allowed to talk about on her wedding day too? No mention of anything other than her?! ‘Inappropriate relatives’ mentioning that other people actually exist on her wedding day is surely the crime of the century 😂