Should I cancel elopement plans?

[PlumHiker]

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

But there IS another on the way, are people just supposed to ignore that?! Or should she have asked her sister’s permission before she got pregnant? Absolutely mad 😝

You've been together 15 years but just so happen to have 'accidentally' planned your wedding for 2 months before hers.. utter bollocks.

I am so pleased I have a family capable of celebrating multiple good news at the same time!

Your dsis is being a prima donna. Don't encourage it.

‘I’m fairly sure your family will want to congratulate you so you will effectively be hijacking her reception for yourself. Are you planning to offer to pay for half? Not that I think that would make it OK.’

You cannot be serious with this, it’s a wind up surely? It’s one day, how can anyone invest so much in one day that they lose all sense of reason?

‘It only takes one person with loose lips and the entire extended family will know.’ You are making this sound like a hostage situation, it’s a wedding 😂😂

Yes. The sister’s wedding. That the OP has decided to hijack.

Edited to say: if you don’t have any family members that have ‘spontaneously’ revealed significant news to upstage multiple important events in their relatives’ lives, I am genuinely glad for you. That’s not the case for everyone.

Maybe this is accidental on the OP’s part, maybe not. Since there’s an easy way to address it - just don’t tell anyone at all they’ve got married until after the sister’s wedding - it will be easy for the sister to tell, won’t it.

I personally wouldn't upset my Dsis, especially being together 15 years, what is the rush.
I'd wait until the wedding was over.

‘Hijack’ oh my, the hyperbole 😂😂

You say hyperbole, I say descriptive.

I’m starting to wonder if this isn’t a matter of you having a decent family but rather you being the Upstaging Ursula in yours!

This!

As I said I don't think it's a terrible crime!
But if I was the sister and had spent however long and however much on my wedding and well meaning but unsubtle relatives started with the 'And a special mention must also go to...' or one shrieky relative hears and starts loudly congratulating the OP I'd be miffed.

I'm very amused by some of the views on this thread and I think your sister sounds a bit bonkers. I don't understand why it mattered that you told people about your pregnancy very close to your sister giving birth - they are two completely separate and different events and your family and friends should have been delighted for both of you. The fact that you told people you would be giving birth several months after your sister is in no way 'overshadowing' her. Surely people can find enough joy for more than one happy event in a nine month period?

And as for the wedding, your sister is being truly ridiculous. You are planning the quietest wedding possible as far as friends and family are concerned, and I really don't see what impact it could possibly have on your sister. Family won't be expected to set aside second day for an expensive wedding, and won't even know about it until afterwards, if you ever decide to tell them.

Elope as you've planned and enjoy not having to go through the expense and ordeal that your sister will be facing with her expensive show wedding.

Elope as you had planned, don´t tell anyone, and that´s that. I personally think it is ridiculous. I am glad that my family can celebrate and be joyful for more than one event in the year.

Yes, the OP’s sister’s attitude certainly suggests that family attention/celebratory feeling in this family is a very small cake without quite enough to go round, so anyone else having even a small slice means less cake for her.😀

I think a lot of it depends on family history.. for example if OP has always been slyly favoured by their parents or if OP has a habit (inadvertently or not) of stealing thunder or trying to one up her sister in any sort of way, then it could be another in a long line of instances when OP has trampled all over her sisters moments and her sister has had to tolerate it.

It may look unreasonable for people on the outside, but anyone who has this sort of family dynamic, it's horrible to not be able to just have your own time to celebrate without someone having to "share" it, or worse, claim it for themselves.

I never had that sort of family dynamic luckily but I know people that do and their family go out of their way to not let them enjoy their big moments for themselves.. it's bizarre but it does exist, and if OP has been with her partner for 15 YEARS.. there is absolutely no reasonable reason why they HAVE to get married 2 months before her sister, they could have easily booked the holiday for a different time that year for after the wedding, that, plus the pregnancy announcement timing seems that OP isn't prepared to let her sister have her moment in the spotlight without doing something to share it.

I think you might be projecting now! I have no inclination to upstage anyone as I don’t believe any single life event is important enough for all this hyperbole. Weddings are joyful events as is the arrival of babies, but they are not the be all and end all, they’re part of life.
This thread makes me even more thankful for my soon to be gorgeous, down to earth DIL, several of her friends have got married recently and they have all worn the same bridesmaids dresses to the different weddings and they’ll do the same to hers, her maid of honour is even PREGNANT and not a hint of hijacking or thunder being stolen anywhere! Enjoy your day 😊

So because you ‘don’t understand’ and don’t feel that way yourself, it’s impossible for you to comprehend that other people may feel differently to you?

I understand your posts a lot better now.

As you say, enjoy your day!

@sandyhappypeople I could understand this to an extent if the OP was planning a huge wedding the week before her sister but she's not. She's planning to elope TWO MONTHS before her sister gets married, and none of her family will be involved. Her sister's attitude is just too ridiculous for words.

But that’s why it’s an issue. If the OP had a huge wedding with all the family invited, there would be no need to mention the OP’s wedding at the sister’s reception.

The problem is that the reception is the first family gathering after the elopement and (if the family know about it), it’s going to be mentioned and at best the OP and her new husband are going to draw attention from the bride and groom and at worst, it’s going to turn into some sort of joint reception.

Of course, there’s an easy way to avoid any issue. All the OP has to do is not mention it until the wedding is over.

I genuinely don't understand the problem with announcing a pregnancy when your sister has just given birth. Having a baby isn't something that people have to take turns at. It's weird and attention seeking to want other people to conceal details of their lives just so that you can be the only one who does this or the other. I found out that I was pregnant with DC1 4 weeks after my best friend told me that she was pregnant with her DC1. I rang her straight away. We love each other and are happy when things go well for her other and when we can share experiences. Surely sisters would be the same.

Goodness, if this were my family I think I’d say f+ck the wedding and not bother going, and book a lovely extended honeymoon. The message here seems to be that the family don’t care as much about OP as the sister and that her life has to be put on hold and fitted around her. It’s just a bloody wedding. People have been getting married for millennia.

If she did it the weekend before and pitch up at the wedding pronouncing they had ‘just got married’ I’d understand the point, but what is being said is that OP is not allowed to get married, get pregnant, or share any good news whatosoever for fear it may take the gleam of ONE fricking day when the sister is the centre of attention.

It really doesn't.

I actually saw it as the other way around - that the sister thinks the family care far more about the OP and that the sister’s news will be overshadowed by the OP’s. Again.

I completely agree. If you've experienced it you can understand where OP's sister is coming from.

I don't like being the centre of attention but there's someone in my family who at any event for me or some others (birthday, graduation, wedding) just HAS to spoil it somehow. When it's happened a few times and becomes a pattern, it is very upsetting.

I'm happy for everyone who doesn't understand lol

Just how much attention do you think the OP and her new husband are going to get?
"We got married two months ago" "Oh, congratulations". The end.

At weddings people don't spend the entire day focussed on the bride. They chat in groups and generally eat and drink and make merry. Having a quiet conversation after the ceremony with family isn't going to make any difference to the day for the bride and groom.

@CandidHedgehog But why would mentioning the OP's elopement at the sister's wedding be an issue? Or are the guests forbidden to discuss anything apart from the sister for the entire day of her wedding? Apart from that, I thought the OP had said thst she wasn't going to be telling other people that she had got married? Or maybe the sister is being like this because secretly she wishes she had the nerve to elope.