Should I cancel elopement plans?

[PlumHiker]

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

How? The family haven’t had a chance to respond to the wedding that hasn’t happened yet? They’ve not been able to signify either way. It’s also easily fixed by ‘we got married in a quiet intimate ceremony with Baby today. We are so happy and wanted to let you know now so that we can all focus on DSis when we next week you all [in TWO MONTHS]. So looking forward to DSis’s special day.’

Depends on what you mean by ‘mention’. With the family member I mentioned, someone would add it to the speeches, possibly at length with the usual wedding speech anecdotes (how can the bride be so unreasonable as not to be happy for her own sister!) and she’d hold court at the reception as every single family member trekked over to congratulate her.

Also, the OP said she would ‘discreetly’ tell immediate family. That’s what my family member often does….tells one or two known motormouths ‘in confidence’ then takes no responsibility for the news spreading.

I’m not the only one with this family dynamic - several other people have said they’ve seen the same.

Edited to say: This is not, thank goodness, a sibling so I only have to put up with it at wider family gatherings.

Sounds like they are all happy for each other and are prepared to let each other have their own moments, that is lovely and exactly as it should be, they are each taking their turn and celebrating with each other, not trying to use one celebration to actually celebrate another.

Just because your family does things the considerate way doesn't mean all families behave the same, OP is being inconsiderate in booking her wedding 2 months before her sister's knowing full well that the sisters wedding is the first time she is going to be with all the extended family and they will all be congratulating her and talking about it and making a big fuss over them about it.

Normally this sort of thing would be fair game IMO, but at the end of the day OP and her fiance could elope anywhere at any time, it doesn't have to be on this specific holiday at this specific time, they've had 15 YEARS to get married and could have easily done it before baby was born seeing as it was only them and 2 witnesses, but they chose not to, or they could easily plan and do it next year on the same holiday, they go there every year after all, or they could plan it for a different time altogether.. all that bullshit in the OP is just excuses for why OP has chosen to do it on that specific holiday THIS YEAR in particular which, oops, 'just happens' to be 2 months before sis gets married, it smacks of someone wanting to either get married before her sister, (sis beat her to parenthood remember), or wants to share the spotlight with her on her big day.

If you don't understand that is fine, but OP knows exactly what she is doing here, it could have started out as an innocent thought (i don't think it did though) but knowing how upset her sister is and seeing as they are 'so close' it seems weird that she would continue with her plans, even though they have complete flexibility over when and where they elope.

Of course it is. Getting married is a legal transaction whether you blow a load of money on a fancy shmancy do or quietly get on with it without fanfare, it boils down to exactly the same result.

Your weird anecdata relates to the few people you know rather than anything usefully evidential. Good job you don’t work in an actual research role. 😂

My anecdata is of the several couples I know who got quietly married in a Registry office after being together a few years (with and without kids) are still happily married over 20yrs later. The ones who blew a fortune on an Insta worthy do are divorced.

Make of that what you will! 🤣

The notion of ‘stealing thunder’ is both childish and intimates that the person is probably a little too self obsessed.

In fairness, the sister didn't even mention it until OP has 'decided' on getting a quick wedding in first, it looks like it could be a pattern that sis does something, then OP does something to shift the focus from it onto herself, it's only now that sis has told her how it is made her feel about the pregnancy announcement.

OP has complete flexibility and freedom over when and where she has this quickie wedding, a wedding that hasn't been a prioirty for the last 15 years but now it suddenly IS a priority and can only be done on this particular holiday on this particular year.

Your, and other people's, analogy's about friends, whilst very true and lovely, doesn't really mean an awful lot to be honest, the fact that this happens with siblings is normally a product of a lifetime of memories, parental favouritism, and the jealousy and subsequent resentment that comes where one person has been made to feel second best and has never been able to celebrate their 'wins' for themselves without their siblings or their parents trying to diminish it somehow.. it has never happened to me personally but I've seen it a lot in people where their siblings 'pretend' to be happy for them, but then do inexplicable things which 'oopsy' take the focus off their celebrations, it's fucking weird.. but it really does happen!

For godsake, what is all this ‘thunder stealing’ nonsense! You don’t even live on the same continent and no one would be coming to your tiny wedding.

Also who cares if someone announces a pregnancy when they’ve had a baby - utterly ridiculous and petty nonsense.

Who are all these self absorbed people who need to have the ‘thunder’?! And be the only one doing something within one whole year!

But then, I think massive >100 people weddings are a bit and only for the ego driven maniacs to be honest, so I’m probably not one to ask!

Are people really this insecure and worried what other people think?

Exactly, after the meal/speeches, first dance, cake cutting, at most weddings the bride and groom could sneak off upstairs to their hotel room and...ahem....binge watch half a dozen episodes of Friends and 90% of the room will (hopefully if the atmosphere is pitched right) be enjoying themselves so much in the company of each other they won't even noticed they were missing!

I completely agree @sandyhappypeople

They didn't need to know at 12 weeks roughly, did they? It wouldn't have hurt to wait until they were backfrom their trip.

The wedding. I'm team sister..you've waited 15 years. Marr by all means but don't tell anyone til 6 months after.

Both of the above, I really don't get wh you can't understand that it's fine for you to not see these as big moments but they are to your sister so why not appreciate that and let her have it? You know otherwise that your family will talk about your wedding at her wedding.

If its such a non-moment to you, why not respect her wishes? And telling her it's not a big deal, even if yu feel that way, is patently not how most people feel, otherwise you wouldn't be flying 24+ hours to see her get married.

Why would you willingly create a rift? Especially with your sister, who your parents see for more of and are likely to side with?

I think quite often people who are more flexible, don't mind compromising, don't really care about big, brash gestures etc always have to tiptoe round the people who do.
They're very rarely the sort to take your advice and flip it so they think,ok im a bit put out by they've shared their pregnancy news from the other side of the world in the week I gave birth but why should they wait, why shouldn't I just be happy for them etc.
Who knows for sure what the background is with the op and her sister.
She won't come back now and explain and we'll all only see it through the lens of our own perspective anyway but for me it's exhausting treading round the eggshells of people who constantly need to have their moments.
They'll be put out in one way or another at some point and their standards are completely biased to their favour.

I had a similar thing in my family - with people accused of stealing thunder by having a small wedding in a different country with only about 6 people there ahead of a massive wedding with none of the same people attending. I think people are absolute knobheads who think the sun revolves around them. I wouldn't y think it would be right to propose at someone's wedding or announce a pregnancy on the day they gave birth but within the week or a tiny elopement is not stealing anything. She is being ridiculous.

Grinning here at all the capitalized '15 YEARS' expostulations upthread. My DH and I had been together a whole 10 YEARS when we decided to go away and marry quietly, just us and two witnesses.

DH and I are not ones to sit on our laurels. Once we make up our minds to do a thing, we do it, and planning some identikit event down to every last tedious detail in a process that takes upward of a year is absolutely not my style. We had the whole event booked, rings, dress and suit bought, within mere weeks, and arranged flowers when we arrived.

Just maybe OP's timing suits her for her own reasons. Given she's on the other side of the globe she's hardly in a position to 'upstage' her sister all that much. Having decided to get married, plenty of people just want to get on with it minus the ridiculous politicking and unrealistic set of expectations that often goes with it. As for this pantomime, there is no 'thunder' to steal. Getting married and having children are about as banal and commonplace as it gets (and yes, I have done both).

Sometimes people do things in a way that doesn't meet with expected convention. When it comes to weddings it's quite amusing as to how this 'horrifies' people.

Just maybe OP's timing suits her for her own reasons.

I got married after 10 years together in a small wedding, that really isn't the point, if my sister was having a big family wedding, which is already planned and paid for and organised I wouldn't at that point decide to have my own wedding 2 months before it, knowing full well that the next time I see all my family will be at her wedding and they will all want to congratulate and fuss round us on what is supposed to be my sister day all about celebrating her and her fiance, it just wouldn't even cross my mind to do it.

The 15 years is relevant because it obviously isn't a priority to them to get married at all, they could have done it the year before but decided it wasn't important, they could do it next year but decided it had to be now? They've been holidaying in this place every year, they could do an elopement any time, anywhere, no logistics to think about, so it's no coincidence that they have CHOSEN to plan it knowing it will fall 2 months before her sisters wedding.

Total, pre-planned dick move, her sister immediately recognised it for what it was and she is the one that knows OP after all.

I know OP's gone (possibly because she knew what she was doing and is upset she got called out?)

But as a member of team "it's a dick move" I can see a lot of people think like me. Also interesting to see how the "happiness isn't a cake! You can be happy about two things at once!" people think. (That sounds sarcastic but isn't! I really like learning how other people's brains work!)

At the end of the day, OP can stick to her plan and possibly, about 30-50% of people will think she's an "upstaging Ursula" (love this, stealing it). OR she can wait six months (it's been 15 years lol) elope then and definitely not piss on her sister's chips.

So... Seems pretty obvious to me!

OP had 15 years to do this, so pretty irrelevant here

I still don't see why having a low key wedding in a different country eight weeks before her sister is getting married is stealing her thunder.

Wedding guests aren't going to be making the OP the centre of attention because she isn't the reason everyone is there. The main draw will be her sister and BIL. It might be a 5 minute conversation and that's all.

Wedding guests aren't going to be making the OP the centre of attention because she isn't the reason everyone is there. The main draw will be her sister and BIL. It might be a 5 minute conversation and that's all.
Or maybe everyone will say congratulations, some will write cheques, offer cash transfers, there will be hugs and excitement, questions around the day,
definitely stealing her sisters thunder, freeloading the celebrations at her sisters expense.
If OP genuinely just wanted to be married, then don't share the information until her sisters wedding is over.
If I was your sister, it wouldn't be an issue because I'd uninvite you.

Or it might get mentioned in the speeches..
"Of course we're delighted to announce that after 15 years together OP and OPDP FINALLY put a ring on it!" Lolol. And for sure everyone will come up and congratulate OP (it would be rude not to! I would!).

It's reasonable to expect that on your wedding day it is YOUR wedding that guests are focused on and this massively undermines that. Yes it probably won't be a huge deal and no it's not like OP will rock up in a white dress with a bouquet, but it's a low key rude thing to do and it's the kind of shit people never forget 😉 just a bit tacky

(Also agree with other posters it wouldn't be an issue at all of OP was having a separate big wedding - that's completely different)

no it's not like OP will rock up in a white dress with a bouquet
She might. 😅

That depends on whether the OP is doing this (either deliberately or subconsciously) to upstage her sister.

If she is, it won’t be 5 minutes, it will be throughout the reception and possibly during the speeches too.

Maybe not but to me it’s a bit suspicious she will have managed to accidentally (or ‘accidentally’) trample all over her sister’s big events twice in a short time period.

Of course, there’s an easy way for the OP to prove that’s not what she is trying to do. She and her DP can get married and then not mention it to anyone until after the wedding. If the OP’s wedding doesn’t matter, is just a legal technicality etc, she won’t care either way and will have no problem doing that for her sister.

Or maybe everyone will say congratulations, some will write cheques, offer cash transfers, there will be hugs and excitement, questions around the day,

That's a ridiculous scenario.

Why? It’s the first family get together after the OP gets married. None of the family are invited to the wedding and she’s not having a reception. With a lot of families, it will absolutely turn out like this.

And lots won't.

Well that’s is the most selfish objection I’ve ever heard. Marriage isn’t about having a day. It’s a solemn vow between a couple. You live as a married couple and have a child together. Of course you should get married as soon as you want to.