Should I cancel elopement plans?

[PlumHiker]

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

Tbh I thought the point of an elopement was that you wanted it to be quiet without fuss, so it's shouldn't be an issue to wait on the announcement. Whether she's reasonable or not your sister has expressed it would upset her if you announced you were married a month or so before she has her big wedding, possibly because you live fast away so it'll be the first time you see a kid if possible after your marriage. You say you're close, so I guess you wouldn't want to knowingly upset her, just do it and don't say anything for six months. Maybe wait until Christmas and just casually drop into conversation that you got married earlier in the year.

You are horrified that her sister couldn’t bask in a new mum hubbub???? What are you…12?

But what she’s communicating is totally unreasonable. She’s saying ‘Don’t protect yourself and your baby legally by getting married quietly with two witnesses on the other side of the world in case it overshadows my big wedding two months later’.

Surely the first rule of elopement is that it stays within the eloping couple!

I can see why she’s frustrated, you didn’t tell your family you were pregnant at 12 weeks, you waited a while and then video called them a week after your sister gave birth. You chose to wait until that very moment so your sister probably raised her eyebrows and then dismissed it. But then you’ve turned around after 15 years and told her you’re getting married just before their wedding so alarm bells are now ringing for your sister. I can’t say I’d be overly bothered but it’s true, you are stealing her thunder over 2 very big life events. Surely the whole point of eloping is the secrecy? Perhaps tell everyone the following year if you really need to.

It doesn't really matter what everyone on here thinks. What matters is: how important it is to you, the fact that it will cause hurt to your sister, and whether or not it's worth it to you to carry out your plans knowing how it might impact your relationship with her.

I can't see the issue with announcing your pregnancy after she gave birth. If it was my sister she'd be delighted for me!

Have your elopement quietly. Don't tell anyone at all before. Share the info with anyone who needs to know, after it has happened.

When it has been at least a year since your sister got married (and hopefully your #2 baby is safely arrived and old enough for this to be practical), make a plan to travel to somewhere that is reasonably accessible and affordable for the majority of your friends and family and arrange a party there (specifying "no gifts please your presence is present enough) to belatedly celebrate your union.

Don't postpone. The fact of being married is an important protection and frankly your sister's attitude is ridiculous and bridezilla, but given that you want a quiet elopement anyway it's easier to adapt your plans to accommodate her selfishness than to stir up the agro of challenging her.

I agree that it’s insensitive and stealing her thunder because of the geographical distance involved. Presumably, your sisters wedding will be the first time you see your whole family post getting married yourselves? So everyone will also be saying congratulations to you both when they see you there. I can understand why your sister would feel a bit put out by this.

Especially on top of the poor timing of your pregnancy announcement.

Just elope and tell everyone a year later. Its not like its something people actually need to know, it's not a declaration that the relationship is more serious at this stage, and noone is going to make it an event so it's basically just a bit of paperwork and legal protection. Get it done and then tell people another time, maybe when you're next visiting after the wedding visit.

This is weird to me. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to be upset about this or to not share the good news (whichever side of the pregnancy I was on). Goes to show how different everyone is!

God forbid that the OP doesn’t shift her plans to marry and conceive a child to a more convenient time in the family news cycle. I mean, both of these things are deeply ordinary things to do, and siblings of roughly similar age will often be doing them around the same time.

Are people actually thinking the OP is going to rock up in a white dress and veil at her sister’s wedding and try to muscle into the official photos as an ‘extra bride’ or something?

The point of eloping is to do it quietly without people knowing. If people know, it’s just a small wedding they’re not invited to. I don’t think there is an issue with doing it two months after her wedding, the issue is that you told her.

I also think the announcing pregnancy the week she gave birth is a bit 🤔like, you couldn’t give them a week to be the centre of attention?

edited to add: just re-read it and sounds like the elopement is two months before their wedding? Yeah, you’re definitely coming across as unreasonable, like you’re trying to get in their first.

YANBU and I honestly don’t understand why you sharing that you’re pregnant week of birth would have been an issue either?

Don't be ridiculous! Her PILs had been told so I assume that her parents would have been upset if she waited another 6 weeks to tell them, particularly if she had already started to look pregnant.

If I'd just given birth and my sister announced she was pregnant, I'd be over the moon! So happy to think of these two cousins, close in age, growing up together. I'd be excited and want the whole family to share this excitement.
It wouldn't cross my mind that my sister had somehow stolen "my moment". When I had my babies, I never felt like this was my time to get attention and glory. I was just happy to have my babies and see the joy they brought to the wider family.
I feel exactly the same about weddings.
I don't understand this craving attention and not wanting other family members to get any attention.

I agree. Maybe the OP had been waiting for her sister to have her baby rather than announce it earlier as she had clearly done with her partners family.

Complete drama when not required. How hard is it, given the situation, to get married as planned but then wait 6 months or so after sisters wedding to tell people. You say it’s not possible in case it ‘slips out’ at sisters wedding but how would that be possible given you/DH/young child can’t talk will be the only ones that know?

The pregnancy announcement was not that great and the reason given is really an excuse for not being thoughtful. No need to tell in-laws and parents at exactly the same time. All this ‘must be exactly equal’ quaff is like a 3yo. Surely, common sense says give it a few weeks then text/social media your parents to ask them to give you a quick call once they are back in their room that night. I’m guessing, when they went away with another couple, they were not all sleeping in one room?

I feel like it must be just inside families with deep seated issues, like parents pitting the children against each other or somehow an environment of competitiveness, as I’m exactly the same - surely the pregnancy announcement is a moment for joy! The only moment I think to wait is perhaps if they’d just announced their pregnancy? But even then I think it’s pretty unfair to have to keep your own pregnancy a secret and not get any congratulations just because your sister got pregnant first!

The only correct response to a sister announcing she's pregnant, is "That's wonderful! A cousin for my little one!"
When I was I one week post partum I really couldn't have cared less about anyone stealing my thunder.
Your sister is suffering from main character syndrome.
Your sensible plan to get married and crack on with baby number two is more important than her fantasies.
Elope, get pregnant, then tell everyone. Don't "spoil her big day"+
but don't change your plans. You would be mad to delay getting pregnant because your sister, on the other side of the world, thinks it's not your turn yet.

• Or not, two months should be enough time for her to grow up/ get over it. Frankly I think she is being ridiculous.

Surely an elopement is supposed to be secret. Just do it an don't tell anyone

SHE GETS 1 DAY

It’s interesting how people are saying it’s the sister who is suffering ‘main character syndrome’ when is seems to be the OP who is somehow being forced to yank the limelight back on herself and away from her sister at every major life event.

And she wants ‘one day’ and not to end up sharing that day with her sister as it turns into a wedding reception for both of them.

And you will notice I suggested op goes ahead with the elopement plans but delays the announcement until after sisters wedding.
You may not agree with that suggestion. However, I do not think sister is unreasonable to express her desire to have one experience that's only about her.