Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

[Idliketobeamillionaire]

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

I wouldn't want my DC constantly eating junk food with friends, so I can see where the other mum could be getting irritated with your DD constantly asking.

As a way to manage these cravings, I would say to DD that if she's hungry she has to come back home for the snack, and not to ask at the friend's house.

You should tell her to come home if she is hungry . I am very generous with snacks , etc . but this round drive me mad . The mother probably got cross with the boy as she may have told him to tell your DD not to ask for snacks. The fact your DD did anyway would annoy me . And if she asks for food that she sees other people having I would think badly of her at 6 and discuss her as greedy . You really should talk to the mother to explain and tell her to send DD home if she asks again .

Of course you don't send snacks with your six year old to someone else's house. I would find this really annoying. My kids are only allowed to eat at the table unless I specifically allow otherwise - I really don't want bits of dropped food all over the house from someone else's child. Plus I don't want them eating right before meals or endless junk.

Speak to the mother and say that while it's very kind of her to offer the occasional snack, you have asked your child not to ask for food unless it's offered, and if she does ask for food, to send her home for something to eat, she can always come back to play afterwards.

Or if you don't think that's appropriate, keep your child at home until this extra hungry period is over.

I agree that your dd needs to learn that it is bad manners to constantly request food. I would also worry about her dental hygiene. I do like the idea of sending over snacks to share, but eating that often is not going to be healthy for her teeth.

I agree with PPs that it would be best to have a conversation with the boy's mother. Just let her know that your DD is currently taking medication that increases her appetite and that you've told her she isn't to ask for snacks.

It is rude of your DD to ask, especially for specific things like popcorn and crisps. She's a young child, so she probably doesn't understand she is being rude, and her hunger due to the medication may cause her to forget your instructions not to ask for food. But I think she needs to be told again. In addition to speaking with the mother, IMO it's very important to sit your DD down and explain again that she can't request snacks at someone else's house. I might tell her that she won't be welcome at her friend's house if she continues this behaviour. Of course reassure her that she can always come home for something to eat if she's genuinely hungry.

I'd say she's fed up of being mithered for snacks.

My DCs had some friends who never stopped asking for food. They also had one or two who turned their noses up at the kind of crackers or yogurt I had, which I had offered - not with a polite no thank you, but "Don't you have any X or Y?" These kids were just rude, entitled little madams, and too old to not understand that the answer to an offer of food is either Yes please or No thank you.

I flat out told the pesterers 'No, we'll have a snack in an hour'.

The DCs who were rude did not get invited back.

Would you send her with a box of healthy stuff, chopped carrot and cucumber sticks for example? I know you said she's preferring junky food right now but I think sending her with a box of it and expecting a six year old to sit and watch her eat it in his own home (whilst not allowed any) would be beyond the pale.

Of course OP's kid is on some sort of medication, but, that aside, why do kids need to keep snacking all the time?

As pps have said, you need to talk to the boy's mum.

I don't think you've acknowledged this, so I'm joining in the chorus to hammer it home.

Oh, and it's undermining, not under minding. (sorry 😔)

I’m in proper contact, she came back tonight and told me this, so I’m contemplating the best approach before speaking to the mum

I think it's understandable that the mum is getting annoyed - she'd already fed your daughter toast and strawberries in a few hour window after lunch and your daughter was asking for more. She doesn't know about the medication issue.
I think your daughter is upset because she got her friend in trouble when the boy knew not to ask for more foord because his mum had clearly told him to stop asking for more food.

Lol. This strategy clearly doesn't work. As if humans can self ration sugary crap. If they could, there wouldn't be an obesity problem.

I wouldn’t send her round with popcorn or crisps as we generally don’t have them in the house

Irrespective of whether she's hungry or not, it's extremely rude to ask for food at someone else's house. You need to teach her good manners, it certainly isn't good manners to ask for food at someone else's house whether you're a child or adult.

So you need to tell her never to ask anyone else for food. I imagine the other mother thinks it's extremely rude and is irritated by it, especially as your daughter is asking for junk. She probably wonders why your child is so greedy.

You need to feed her more at mealtimes, especially protein, to fill her up. If she's desperate when she's at this boy's house she should go back to yours to eat something.

Just open the conversation, "Hi Jane, would you mind if we had a quick chat about DDs eating and food requests?". And go from there.

I think it could be the too much junk food .
I think you should make you Dd up a fruit salad bowl to nibble on while away and some veg sticks. .
Saves her eating rubbish and the mum being frustrated .

My son has a neighbourhood friend who came over a few times and ate his way through our snack drawer. I have very disordered eating so am practicing a very liberal approach to food - lots of stuff available everywhere, not a lot of restrictions (trying to reverse my upbringing!) but he lives in a house with lots of food restrictions. He is super healthy and the family is lovely, but he got a bit over excited about what my house has and it was a bit of a problem. I had to put some limits around it for everyone's sake. (Two snacks per visit and done)

So wondering if its a combination here of your daughters diet (agree you should maybe up the protein if this is normal), not having some fun stuff available and getting excited when seeing it, a difficult time with a new medication and perhaps some too long play dates.

You really should just talk to the other mum and apologise for your daughter's rudeness and explain she's super hungry so you'll be making sure she brings snacks with her (string cheese is great!) just in case but also tell your daughter every time that she should come home for snacks. Maybe get one of those watches to remind her to come home each hour or two for a topup.

My daughter is a dancer and always hungry and loves a spoonful of peanut butter after a workout - super quick and easy and back to playing.

Families all have their own rhythms - maybe the older daughter bought special popcorn, maybe there are rules around who can eat what, maybe the son already had his snacks before your daughter came round, maybe there are dietary restrictions or challenges... no reason to worry about their food and who is sharing what, you should just focus on your own kid.

She doesn’t just eat white carbs and fruit….

I think you need to communicate a lot more with the mum. Do you message when she heads over? When he arrives? When you need her back? My DS has a group of close friends who are often hanging out here or at each others houses, they are bit older but as mums we still message a lot when they are on their way between houses, or just logistics like 'he has swimming at 6 can you send him back about 5.30' or 'im doing pizza for tea and he's welcome to stay if you don't need him back' etc. also we let each other know any rules about games or shows or just general stuff that is helpful when you're watching someone else's kid.

I would have let the other mum know when DDs appetite changed due to the medication, and would suggest something like 'can I send her with snacks to share, what does your son like' or 'if she's asking for snacks just send her back, I've let her know to come home but she might forget'
Then also the mum could let you know if there's any reason why she's cutting down or changing snack habits.

Having said that, I do think the mum is handling it oddly. At 6 I wouldn't expect a child to remember perfect manners all the time and I'd be pleased your dd felt comfortable to ask for food if hungry. My kids friends always ask for snacks and I'm very happy either providing or saying we don't have any, it's too close to dinner or whatever. Just like I would for my own kids. If a kid is coming to my house regularly I want them to feel at home,

Edited to be clear who is handling it oddly!

surely 6 is far too young to be playing out when the parents don’t communicate

@Idliketobeamillionaire so, this 6 year old boy knocked on your door unannounced and stayed for 3 hours? Without any involvement from his mum? Like PP, this blows my mind! What if you were out, or had plans, or just didn't want to entertain another child? It seems like you and the other mum aren't super close, so what would happen - she'd assume he was at yours while the kid could be wandering the streets? I have a sensible 6 year old and I absolutely can't imagine how this set up would work unless you're very close friends, and even then I'd give the mum a heads-up beforehand.

Sorry, off topic. If the arrangement is this casual, ask your daughter to come home for snacks.

Also have your talked to her doctor about how you should be feeding her on this new medication. She had pasta for lunch, then a sandwich. That's a heap of carbs which are clearly not filling her up. Is she getting enough protein?

I don’t know if anyone’s said this but if your daughter is asking for food all the time then the other mums kid is likely to then want to snack too so maybe the issue is that the increased snacking is causing him not to eat his meals so the other mum wants to stop this. Don’t send a snack box. Tell her not to ask for snacks to only accept something if offered and to come home if she needs to eat. Also listen to the advice given about the kinds of snacks that will help satisfy her appetite.

I definitely wouldn't send snacks with her to her friend's house if you're not planning to include any for the friend. That is even ruder than asking for snacks IMO. You could provide something for both of them (and the boy's siblings) if the mother is O.K. with that.

It's not really fair to send snacks if her friend isn't allowed them. I would tell her not to ask again, and to come home if she's hungry.