Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

[Idliketobeamillionaire]

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

Yes agree. I know my daughters friends parents and would only allow her to go round somewhere I felt she was safe.

I'd be insulted if someone sent their kid over to my house with their own snacks. I'd see it as weirdly controlling of the kid's diet and displaying a lack of trust in my hospitality. I'd hate it even more if they brought snacks for my kid as well! Do you just want to host the play date then, babe?

I also think it's funny that OP doesn't have crisps or popcorn in her house but thinks it's OK for her daughter to go round her neighbours and ask for them at theirs - really? That also seems quite clearly nothing to do with medication-induced hunger and everything to do with wanting something she knows is in the cupboards that she doesn't normally get.

Buy your kid some snacks so she doesn't think she is in Willy Wonka's next time she visits her friend. She's not hungry, she is not asking for food, she is asking for what you don't buy.

@Idliketobeamillionaire I had the opposite problem as a child the medication I was put on made my appetite go through the floor. The problem was getting me to eat anything, anywhere. Then they changed it when I was a teenager and I had the same issue as your DD. Fortunately my best friend’s Mum was a fab cook and didn’t mind.
I would explain about the medication.
I think even if your DD’s friend’s Mum has financial concerns, scolding/pressurising children about asking for a snack to the extent that they are in tears is not on. Whilst crisps or popcorn may not be on offer (I couldn’t rustle up either just now), there are other snacks available that would suffice and wouldn’t break the bank.
Yes, sending your DD with food is an option, and I would do this after the other Mum knows about the meds.
Regarding how hungry your DD gets, I empathise it’s a rotten side effect from meds and it tends to be trivialised by the medical profession. The last time they raised the dosage of the drug with the dosage dependent side effect that increases appetite I told my neurologist that if my husband stood still for long enough I would consider eating him. They lowered it.

I think to those who have said the daughter was rude, they are taking it out of context here - she’s six, on steroids and been poorly for a year. It was a bit of a drip feed and tbh I didn’t realise the implications of a child being on steroids and how unwell they could be. @Idliketobeamillionaire i hope you have support ( practical and emotional in real life). So my first comment about the protein I retract as I didn’t understand fully but I do now as it sounds bloody condescending. This post just shows how different we can all interpret and react to the same event but if I take anything from this post, I am a bit more educated about children on steroids and their impact. I’m glad you’ve daughter is enjoying life! She has a joyful friendship and a lovely mummy taking care of her ❤️

@AnonAnonmystery I don't think the OP has said her dd is on steroids or mentioned what her health condition is? There are different types of medication that can increase hunger, and the level of hunger experienced will depend on the type and the dosage.

Your post about increasing protein has some great suggestions and is relevant even if the increased appetite is due to medicine. Healthy, balanced dietary choices might not eradicate a huge appetite that is caused by medication but can put a dent in it so it's a bit more manageable and the person in question might feel a little more comfortable. Likewise, poor dietary choices can exacerbate an already out of control appetite.

So, all the posts suggesting that the OP gives her dd a combination of protein, fibre and healthy fats with a smallish amount of carbs at every meal, while limiting sweets and junk food, could be very helpful to her dd and make her more comfortable/better able to handle the constant hunger.

If you speak to the mum it won’t ruin their relationship

explain like many have said to here about the medicine and side effects of hunger

ask her what she prefers - you send snacks for both kids - dd comes home when hungry and grabs something

so have you spoke to her @Idliketobeamillionaire

The other DM doesn't have this information either yet unless OP has stopped wringing her hands and second guessing and actually talked to the poor woman.

I am sure once she knows the reason for the DDs increased demands for snacks, then she will be able to handle it more effectively.

So since I sent her a message explaining Dds condition in more detail, the mum sent me a kind message back, hoping she gets better etc and sending us strength. But since then, Dd hasn’t really seen her friend, the mum said he can play later etc to Dd but hasn’t sent him round. Dd has been upset and missing him, wish I hadn’t sent the message

I think the boundaries were pushed long before the message, it is a harsh lesson.

Slow and steady friendships, without the assumption of thinking other parents are happy to allow, what you're doing in your house.

I'm sorry for DD.

@Idliketobeamillionaire I really think you were not wrong in sending the message. It’s confusing she sent a kind message back but didn’t follow through with kind actions.
As an idea, why not formally invite her friend over for a play date and maybe some tea?
Sorry you dd is upset, bless her. I hope she’s getting better too xx

That's a shame.
Is there any possibility she could have misunderstood what you were saying? Maybe incorrectly interpreted it as you saying or hinting that she should give your daughter the food she wants?

It's all too easy to musunderstand things in a text.

Maybe give it a few days then you message her asking if her son would like to come over and play. Keep making play invitations between the adults for a while.

Or maybe talk to her. See if there is a misunderstanding that could be cleared up

I find it annoying when kids constantly ask for snacks . It’s expensive. We only have so much for the week. If I am arranging a play date I’ll make a proper meal and pudding . But if kids come from next door I wouldn’t provide food .

I think the thing to do is to talk face to face. If your kids are spending so much time at each others houses, it’s a bit odd not to do so. Messages don’t reflect tone etc. She may have felt by explaining your daughter’s condition, you are reprimanding her and implicitly saying she needs to provide extra food.

I think you should invite her son ‘and her’ to yours for something ‘dd keen to try this cake recipe, want to come by later to try it?’ Sort of thing. Have a cuppa and a chat and see how it goes.

@Bestfootforward11 I wouldn't discuss it again, she is a mother of 3, 2 adult children, she will have little interest in the chat, i wouldn't force it on her.

Imo, She is not interested in friendship or drama as the parents haven't bonded.

OP as the weather changes the children will rekindle the friendship.

Use the lessons and move forward. They'll work it out.

I will admit if I was the other parent I would be getting close to saying 'I am sorry but enough is enough there may be a play date in the future but I have other things on' maybe in better words but I would suggest just stop

What i’m doing in my house?? It’s mainly been her boy who has been here for hours on end most weekends, whilst she falls asleep on her sofa, not the other way around

No, definitely not, I apologised for her asking for food and told her about the medication and more details about the illness and to just send her home if she’s hungry. She didn’t mention anything about any of that and her message was really nice.
Perhaps i’m being paranoid. It’s been v rainy where we are, maybe he was just having a couple of cosy weekends inside, but it’s quite noticeable

What i’m doing in my house??
Allowed to stay for hours, taking out toys, free rein to play, food platters and treats.

You still don't see the issue, you have made excuses throughout the thread and some snide remarks toward the mother.

Best of luck.

Maybe this explains that it's not to do with DD's behaviour but for whatever reason she doesn't want her child playing out atm. Because you said this was a change in behaviour and now she's sent a nice message but still doesn't want her child playing, so could be something completely unrelated.

Why though? They both adore each other and playing together makes them happy, why stop that

Yes and there’s nothing wrong with the above? I was making a large effort to provide an inviting home and for them to enjoy themselves. He stayed for hours because she didn’t pick him up and left him here for hours, Dd didn’t stay that long at his.

I hope so. 😔

People don’t like fuss/drama/just ‘stuff’. It would possibly have been better to just apologise to the mum + make sure your daughter stopped asking for food. The explanations of your daughter’s condition appear to have added a layer of complication she wants nothing to do with.