Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

[Idliketobeamillionaire]

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

Offering snacks is different to a child constantly asking for them

Just to say we are super lucky to have a similar setup in our estate - my son has two friends and they spend ages running in and out of my house and their houses and running around outside. Started a couple years ago so my son was 6 and the other boys were 7 and 9. It’s a lifesaver as my son is intensely social and the rest of us definitely aren’t so it’s amazing to have this on my doorstep. But if my son gets hungry he just comes home, or asks if they can all grab an ice lolly or some crisps or whatever. It’s lovely and casual.

and yes, super confused as to why you haven’t just gone over there yet. Seems easily sorted with some honest and friendly chat.

OP seems desperate to defend herself and her child, but the bottom line is she gave her daughter instructions to return home if hungry and not ask the neighbour for snacks. Daughter has ignored this (as there are good snacks at neighbours house OP doesn’t stock at home) and continued to ask for snacks from neighbour.

Your child wouldn’t have been scolded if she had done what you asked/instructed. So on this occasion, a firm “no.” Was the correct response from neighbour.

Agree with PP that if child is sick and off school she shouldn’t then be sent to neighbours to play for hours on end.

You seem to think it's unreasonable for the other mum not to feed your DD. I don't understand why you don't just tell her to come home whenever she wants food, and you feed her. Then you wouldn't have any angst or awkwardness with the other mum (whose responsibility is not to feed your DD, regardless of whether you do/the big sister is eating/the DS would also like a snack/the moon is high in the sky today/etc).

The answer is so simple to me, I just don't get it.

You seem obsessed with making this other mother out to be wrong OP you go as far as saying she shouldn’t be stressed because she has two older children and parents who help her with childcare and take the bins out 🙈 talk about reaching.

I can see why it might be a little irritating for the boy's mum if she's already provided toast and strawberries to then have your DD ask for more. Toast and strawberries is quite a substantial snack to have between meals and I wouldn't expect them to want more food.
I think it's also the fact that your DD saw an adult child of your neighbour having a snack and asking for the same. It would be more acceptable if it was her little friend eating crisps and she wanted to join in. I don't think she should be commenting on what adults eat in the house and asking for some.
However, of course your DD is only 6 and she'll learn. I think you should definitely talk to the mum. Just say something like "I hear my DD has been asking for food. I'm sorry, I hope it's not annoying. She's on this medication that's causing her to be hungry all the time. Just send her home if she needs a snack."
I love having our children's friends over and am not generally bothered by food requests. If a child tells me they're hungry, I'll happily feed them. However sometimes I have got annoyed. For example there was one girl who'd come round. We'd give her a very big dinner with dessert then later on we'd give something else (maybe a hot chocolate with biscuits or some fruit). She'd always always ask for more! She somehow always knew what treats we had in the house and would ask for them. I did find it a little bit rude as we'd fed her well.

I've got to be honest, I'd hate it if one of DS's friends came over and kept asking for food.

Apart from it being a bit cheeky, I've put years into avoiding DS snacking in between meals. He gets something small after school, preferably fruit or cheese & crackers. I see friend's kids constantly popping in and out of sweet cupboards and grabbing lollies out of the freezer all summer and honestly, DS would put on so much weight if I let him have free reign.

I don't think it's healthy at all and if I were to give him an extra snack it definitely wouldn't be crisps. If he saw me give them to one of his friends he would absolutely ask for them as snack in the future.

I agree that a text and sending her with a snack box is a good idea. It might be worth thinking about what you put in it, though. Again, some parents might not appreciate a child being sent to their house with a box full of biscuits and crisps when they try to get their own kids to snack on eg fruit.

Another tedious thread that goes along the lines of
-Am I being unreasonable?
-Er, yes actually, maybe a little bit
-NO I'M NOT

😴

Healthy, fruit, veg, rice cakes. He’s never seemed that bothered about food, not like Dd recently, feel really embarrassed 😞

There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Just make sure you explain about the medication (I'd probably name it so she can have a nosey Google! [unless it is a sensitive issue, obviously]) and that DD is really hungry on it. Tell her you've asked her not to request food and you'll send her with healthy snacks in future.

It's not like DD has always asked for food so it will make sense to her that it's a medication side effect. I doubt she thinks you're staving her.

If she is still snappy with DD then maybe think about avoiding her going over for a bit.

Thank you to all of those with kind words, she’s been through a lot this last year and i’d hate for this to ruin their friendship

Let your daughter continue with the friendship, treat it as a small hiccup and easily overcome. Try keep her more at your house, let the dust settle. I would have expected the other mum to be a bit kinder but we all have our challenges. You both sound like you’ve been through a lot xx

I think some of the responses are because the OP seems to be tying herself in knots to defend her daughter’s behaviour and make excuses. It’s not a massive deal that a six year old has been rude once, there’s no need to be so defensive over it.
why ask if you won’t take people’s opinions on board?
Its not unusual that six year olds knock on a neighbours house and play with a friend. Surprised at people active like it is.
if I were the OP I would tell my daughter to not be such a cheeky little madam next time, as she’s clearly trying her luck. And think no more of it. What a mountain out of a molehill.

It is not about the incident in particular but about how miserable some folks seem to be towards guests in their home.

Taking pleasure and interest in food is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s nice to see kids eating well in my opinion.

I would not consider anyone asking for food when a guest in my home as rude. I would prefer a child ask me if they were hungry.

OP, perhaps having a little backpack of snacks with her would be a good idea.

My daughter has several friends with serious allergies, one nuts, one eggs. The both go everywhere with snacks ready to eat.

Take the upset out of this, and the possibility of inconveniencing anyone, by her taking care of herself.

If you provide snacks that are good and filling for her, with her all the time, she can absolutely be told not to ask for them on playdates.

Best of luck.

I think to me it is not about saying they are hungry/asking for something to eat. It’s the specific request for popcorn or crisps.

If they are only there for a short time though, having come round after lunch and then being given a snack of toast and strawberries, I don't think they need to be given more. Especially when they live near by and have been told to go home if hungry!

I also think it could be rude depending on how they are asking and how frequently. There is a difference between politely saying 'Mrs X I am hungry, please could I have a snack?'
Or 'I am hungry. Can I have popcorn? She has popcorn. I want that too'.

Eating well is eating three healthy meals a day, with plenty of fruit & veg and little processed crap, the same as it is for adults.

It's not snacking a lot in between meals.

The OP seems ashamed her daughter is hungry. Seems such an odd thing to be ashamed off.

Maybe I have missed something but I do not think there has been confirmation that she was rude just that she asked? In one of my first posts on the thread I suggested she go round and speak to the neighbour to get clarity but a 6 year old asking for food would not cause me to lose my temper. Worst case I would just say no.

And in one of my previous posts I said I would reply I don’t have crisps but have sliced apples or whatever I had. But again a six year old asking for crisps wouldn’t cause me to lose my temper. I have grown adults ask for all sorts when staying with us.

There hasn't been confirmation either way. We don't know if she was or wasn't rude, and we don't know how frequently she has been asking for snacks either because it seems the poster doesn't seem to actually want to speak to her neighbour (which is strange considering she is happy to send her child there for hours on end).

Edited to add: we also don't know whether the mum did actually shout/tell the children off for asking for snacks or whether she might have just firmly said no (you have already had a snack).

Yes I would have spoken to neighbour but I think she now has so hopefully all sorted.

I would hope so, considering the children spend a lot of time together I would have thought popping next door for 5 mins would be quite simple.