Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

[Idliketobeamillionaire]

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

Sorry, OP, six is too old to be whining and begging other people for food. Every day.

What did she say to you when you spoke to her this morning? Most parents are happy to provide snacks to their dc's friends but won't be happy to have kids asking for unhealthy treats. There's nothing unusual in the mum saying no to crisps. She had just given the kids toast and berries, so it's not like she refused to feed them.

I don't know why you're still focusing on her!
20 pages of posters telling you it's impolite of your dd to ask for treats after being offered food, and numerous posters advising you on ways to help curb her hunger by giving her more balanced snacks but you want to discuss the mum's behaviour. It seems some other posters are probably right and you only started this thread to complain about her.

I don't understand why op does not understand her daughter has worn out her welcome and stop sending her over. If the women is SO MEAN why on earth send your DC there? I wouldn't send my dd to a home where she clearly isn't wanted.

Well there we differ.
If one of my friends came over uninvited, and it wasn't a meal time, I'd think it was fucking rude if they announced they were hungry and asked me to give them some food.

But then that would never happen because I have never, and don't know, anyone so uncouth.

This. It's basic manners.

And you're not just "obviously better friends" because you weren't raised with the most basic of social manners and don't think it's a problem.

Just something for you to think about. I know bread and pasta are easy options but really try to keep the extra snacks to raw veg and protein. Otherwise her blood sugar will be spiking and plummeting and every time it plummets she'll be asking for more carbs. If you can keep it flatter it'll really help her generally.

I used to put a plate of cut up raw stuff and dips in easy reach at tea time rather than sandwiches. For your DD I'd add some charcuterie, cheese, boiled eggs etc. Healthy fats also good. Full fat yogurt (low sugar if possible) would be another good option. Nuts if she'll eat them. I appreciate this is way more expensive but would help her feel full for much longer. And some full fat milk.

Where does it say every day? Where does it say whining and begging? Read through the thread 👍

Horrible.

You're right it is horrible. So why do you want your daughter somewhere where a parent is scolding her as well as her own child?

You don't actually know how often it has happened, you're only aware of the two occasions when the other mum apparently said no. Perhaps it has indeed happened every day your child was there. Nor do you know how your DD asked for more snacks. Did she whine and beg? Perhaps. You don't know that as you weren't there.

Why are you so unwilling to contemplate a different perspective? Digging in your heels and refusing to accept that other perspectives are perfectly reasonable doesn't do you any favours.

One of my children is never full. At 6 years old, he eats more than I do. The constant requests for snacks, what's for dinner, can we have x for lunch, I'm hungry, I neeeeed fooooood.... they wear me down. So if she responded impatiently, it could be this, and not your daughter's fault at all.

Otoh, there are a pair of siblings who are very frequent snack requesters amongst my DC's circle of friends. Honestly it gets wearing. At first I was more than happy to share, but after a while, it got tiresome and it's been hard to shake off the feeling that I wish the other mother would properly feed her own kids.

All this nonsense about a six year old asking for food when she’s hungry. My house is often full of other people’s kids. If they are hungry, they know that they are welcome to come and tell me and I’ll provide snacks if it’s appropriate or tell them they will need to wait if it’s not. None of them are impolite and I’m glad they feel at home when they are with me.

I am with you on this. I have been shocked by many of the replies. If you’re a guest in our home I want you to feel happy, comfortable and not hungry or thirsty. Many of DD friends, especially the supposed picky eaters, when they come round, eat us out of house and home. And I can’t imagine losing my temper over DD asking me for something if her friend was hungry. The amount of rules many posters have about food and guests is very different to our home.

DD knows what food we have available and will often serve it to her friends herself as I think she also enjoys making her guests feel welcome. So if her friend comes over for the afternoon- about 4pm she will make tea and serve a slice of cake and they sit at kitchen table happily chatting. And if her friend is staying for lunch or dinner, they know to check the chalk board in the kitchen for the menu for the day and for friends to say if they don’t like anything.

But then DH friends are the same, they eat us out of house and home too.

Also have a child this age and find the playing arrangement odd, wouldn't want other children dropping by for several hours regularly especially if I felt pestered for food.

Sorry to hear your dd has been unwell, but also agree with PPs that if she's too ill for school she shouldn't be over there for hours, especially if the mum isn't entirely on board- or if I didn't have good communication and trust with her (which it doesn't sound like you do).

I think it best that you put some boundaries in place. Perhaps walk over and get her after an hour at neighbours house, every time, for example.

I really don't get this post. I think it's an absolute No No for kids to ask for anything at someone else's house other than a glass of water.
And constant snacking shouldnt really be a thing....its good to teach them not to eat in between meals other than fruit or something. If your daughter is ravenous then send her along there with a bag of snacks.....Nobody is obliged to feed your kid.
For goodness sake just communicate with the mother .....

I would be annoyed if my child was fed snacks at a friends house pre dinner. I would be horrified if my child was mithering the parent for snacks. I’d keep my child home until they were better.

I think the thing is you don’t know what happened unless you speak to the mum. You don’t know what happened before or after, you also don’t know how many times your DD has asked for specific food. Is it that your DD is hungry or is she asking for specific snacks from them because it’s the stuff you don’t have or limit her access to? Personally I wouldn’t mind but then I’d probably have asked the child if they wanted a snack however my DD does ask for food a lot so I have been grumpy with her before if she’s asking for too much as it isn’t good for her. I wouldn’t tell another child off for it though, but I might say no if they’ve had a lot or we are just about to eat a meal.

Yes I believe that she could have 'shouted' (or simply had firm words) at her son. Maybe your daughter goes round asking for snacks every time (despite your belief she doesn't and if she does is ever so polite). A possibility is neighbour has noticed this and has spoken to her son about him only ever wanting snacks when she is there and knows it's not him wanting them.
She tells her son that she will give one snack when she is over (you say they were given toast AND strawberries) and that is it.
Your DD wants another snack, asks neighbours son who knows mum will be cross so tells her to ask herself.
Mum is annoyed as she has already given a substantial snack, told son that there won't be any more so tells (or in your daughter's words shouts) both children that they aren't having more.

Considering this is your neighbour I still don't know why in the days this has been going on you haven't made time to pop over for 5 mins to sort this out.

The children were given toast and strawberries. The girl had supposedly had lunch beforehand. Without the mum knowing the girl is on medication and would want even more snacks this to me would be enough, and any more would spoil their tea.

Send your DD with a couple of snacks. Sounds like she may be pestering the other mum. If you give her a banana that should satisfy her for a while, bags of crisps are not filling.

Not saying your DD is the same as this but I’ve stopped having a 7 year old boy around. Twice I’ve provided him lunch (main and desert) then about 30 mins later following me around asking me for snacks so I say wait. He then asks my son to ask me. I go upstairs and he’s climbed on to my worktop to go through my cupboards! This has happened twice. I’ve also seen the way he speaks of his DM. I feel sorry for her but it’s for her to deal with his bad manners not me. He won’t be back.

I wouldn't be happy with my child asking for treats/snacks in someone else's house, especially 2 doors down - they should eat at home. Our neighbour used to do this when we were growing up - she asked for biscuits because her mum was always on a diet and didn't have any in the house. My parents told her we didn't have any but she was quite persistent asking them to check all the containers.😂

I would find it deeply irritating if someone sent their child round to my house to eat snacks from home. I would tell her (and the mum) that she should come home if she’s hungry.

I have 4 children and I find this whole set up off I’m afraid. Are these play dates arranged in advance? By this I mean asked the day before? I have always been happy to have friends here and they have all had many friends over. But it has to be arranged in advance so I can make sure I have enough food in, drinks etc. with a larger house I just need this to be a proper arrangement. However, if it came to being nearly every weekend that my 6 year old child went somewhere for several hours and then that child came back for a few more hours I’d be fed up. It leaves your weekend all revolving around that one child which may be fine for you as you have an only child but I suspect not for the other mother who has other children and family who come around. Maybe they’d like to go out somewhere spontaneously, eg for a shop, a bit of lunch etc but feel they can’t because the youngest is across the road or has his friend here again. I feel the mum has probably got fed up with the arrangement but doesn’t like to tell you because she also thinks they have a nice friendship. I think it’s time to do something at the weekend with just your child sometimes so that there’s at least every other weekend with no visits. It sounds like a nice friendship but it’s just got a bit overwhelming, there needs to be a bit of distance here.

You need to simplify things for your daughter.
She needs to be told firmly, do not ask for ANYTHING,.
Come home if you need anything.

At 6 she is old enough to know this.
Perhaps do more tbings outside the house and arrange playdates with fruends to mix it up.

It will irritate parents to be asked for junk food like this, so be proactive and firm with her.

If I asked a child round for tea I would feed them, if they just popped in and out of my house from two doors down then i wouldn't and I wouldn't expect them to ask - especially for something specific. I wouldn't be horrible but if it kept happening then I would get annoyed.

I'd be more concerned though about what your DD said to involve the boy and get him into trouble. Did she tell the mum that the boy had asked for some crisps? Did she say the boy had told her to ask for crisps? I think she's becoming a pain whatever the case and you need to speak to the mum and apologise and explain.