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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to stop doing this and is there a nice way to say it?!

139 replies

RonnieRustic · 09/03/2025 17:26

DH has this really annoying habit where if I'm going out somewhere with our child, and he isn't joining us, he will just ask his older DC if they want to come with me without checking with me first.

For context there is a large age gap so it changes the dynamic pretty significantly.

As an example, I've been really busy with work recently and felt like I haven't spent much quality time with our 5 year old. Yesterday I knew DH had some work to catch up on at home so wouldn't be coming anywhere with us and so I decided to take DD out for the day and spend some time with her. Wasn't anywhere fancy but she loves the outdoors so a walk and lunch sat somewhere outside and she's happy.

DH asked what I was doing with DD, I told him and then 5 minutes later I could hear him saying to 13yo SS "do you want to go out with Ronnie today? Why don't you go etc"

Aibu to wish he'd stop doing this. It's 50:50 whether SS will even say yes as he is at an age where he'd rather spend the day with friends but it just bugs me that DH just assumes that it's fine and doesn't even ask me first. I wanted to spend the day with DD and not have to contend with a teen who'd be bored and want to go home after 10 minutes. Thankfully DSS said no anyway but DH does it every time (he quite often has work to do on the comp at least one weekend day).

Is there a polite way to tell DH that I'd prefer it if he asked me first rather than just inviting DSS out with me when DH won't even be there himself and that sometimes I may want to say no as well. He gets very defensive of anything to do with DSS so I imagine he'll take it the wrong way whatever I say.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 09/03/2025 17:28

Could you call it a mum and daughter day out (bit cringey) but useful to point out it's a day for just you and dd

TokyoSushi · 09/03/2025 17:29

Gets you all out of the house and gives him some peace, that's exactly why he's doing it...

bungobungobungo · 09/03/2025 17:31

Say you're meeting other 5 year olds in the park and no older kids will be there - might even be some screaming babies!

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 09/03/2025 17:31

Ask him why he doesn't want to spend one on one time with his child. Get defensive right back.
He's trying to palm off his child on to you and doing it in a manipulative way. Time to put a stop to it.

xyz111 · 09/03/2025 17:32

Yes that would annoy me too! If SS ever did say yes, make it very clear what you will be doing. Dont change your plans.

Calamitousness · 09/03/2025 17:32

Why are you finding this difficult to raise with your husband. It’s a reasonable request. I’d be more concerned that you feel you can’t chat normally to your spouse. If he’s not a horror then you need to work on your self confidence or assertiveness.

Fluffyholeysocks · 09/03/2025 17:34

'I'm sure DSS would rather spend time with you DH. A 13 year old boy doesn't want to spend time with us ! You go ahead and have fun - don't worry about us, we'll be fine'.

Dearg · 09/03/2025 17:35

Just say that you would like to spend some one on one time with your young daughter , doing things suitable for a 5 year old. And much as you care for / love / however you would normally say it , your DSS, he is at your home to spend time with his DAD.

I am not sure I would be nice about it.to be honest. Your DH is being unfair to both you and his son.

Edited to add. @Fluffyholeysocks said it better.

JMSA · 09/03/2025 17:36

Poor kid.

TammyJones · 09/03/2025 17:36

TokyoSushi · 09/03/2025 17:29

Gets you all out of the house and gives him some peace, that's exactly why he's doing it...

This was my thought
But if my dss was here and I was taking baby brother out , couldn't imagine not taken them / him.
It was a long time ago now and they were all boys together.
despite the 8 plus age gap they all had such fun and now as adults are very close and still look out for each other Grin

TomatoSandwiches · 09/03/2025 17:38

He is treating you like the childcare, it's not ok to assume you are ok with this and that's all you need to say, he needs to at least ask you first without DSS as a witness, that's just manners.

CorduroySituation · 09/03/2025 17:39

Well if you ever split up, it'll be good to know he'll palm your daughter off on to any adult he can for a quiet life, eh? Such a catch.

Getting defensive is a classic Darvo technique where he's making you out to be the bad guy rather than a perfectly reasonable adult.

I doubt he will ever "get it" as he doesn't WANT to "get it". But you could try explaining you like some 1-1 time with just your child. Good luck.

BellissimoGecko · 09/03/2025 17:40

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 09/03/2025 17:31

Ask him why he doesn't want to spend one on one time with his child. Get defensive right back.
He's trying to palm off his child on to you and doing it in a manipulative way. Time to put a stop to it.

This!

You should be able to say this to him without him getting defensive.

His child is there for HIM to see, not for you to look after.

MathsMum3 · 09/03/2025 17:41

Does your SS live with you, and do you spend much time all together as a family? I'm wondering if he feels a bit rejected - his Dad wants him out of the house and his step-mum clearly doesn't want to take him. I'd be concerned for his feelings.

BinWim · 09/03/2025 17:42

JMSA · 09/03/2025 17:36

Poor kid.

Indeed, poor kid, it's a shame so many men are so lazy with their own children and try to defer responsibility to the nearest woman.

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 09/03/2025 17:43

I agree with some of the above- get defensive right back.

’aren’t you wanting to spend time with DSS? Poor DSS, I’m sure he’d love some one to one time with you. We’re going to the play park so he can come if he likes but it won’t very fun for a teen- he would have a lot more fun with you if you organised something nice for him’

HoskinsChoice · 09/03/2025 17:46

JMSA · 09/03/2025 17:36

Poor kid.

Absolutely this! ⬆️ I can't ever imagine taking one child out but not the other without at least asking. My parents did this when I was a kid, I've never forgotten it. When you married your husband, you must have known he comes as a package with his son, please don't either of you leave him out, it can be really damaging.

AgentJohnson · 09/03/2025 17:47

Stop pussy footing around this lazy man, you’ve asked him repeatedly so it’s not that he doesn’t know. His child is there to see him but he’d rather you parent his child because he’s prioritising other things.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/03/2025 17:48

HoskinsChoice · 09/03/2025 17:46

Absolutely this! ⬆️ I can't ever imagine taking one child out but not the other without at least asking. My parents did this when I was a kid, I've never forgotten it. When you married your husband, you must have known he comes as a package with his son, please don't either of you leave him out, it can be really damaging.

Show quote history

She's taking a 5yr old out, they have different interests completely AND she has no parental responsibility for the step son, his contact time is for him to spend with his actual father who is the one palming him off.

diddl · 09/03/2025 17:48

Does ss live with you or is his dad trying to shoo him off during limited contact time?

I mean if the teen stays in the house that surely doesn't affect his dad's ability to work?

Perhaps he needs to organise his work better so he can spend time with his son?

MissDoubleU · 09/03/2025 17:49

Does he often take all the children out alone and leave you to have peace alone at home? And if not, have you pointed this out to him..?

Topseyt123 · 09/03/2025 17:49

I suspect this is a problem that will fairly soon resolve itself as DSS heads through his teenage years and prefers the company of his friends.

I would, however, point out to DH that activities suitable for a 5 year old are usually of zero interest to a 13 year old, so it isn't a good mix and he needs to stop assuming it is OK.

5128gap · 09/03/2025 17:54

Say "DH, can you not keep telling DS to come out with us? It can be really difficult to find something both him and DD enjoy. He gets bored and it just doesn't work. If I'm doing something I think he will like, I'll ask him myself"

Laiste · 09/03/2025 17:55

I've got 4 DCs and if DH is home i don't always take all 4 out.

It's no big deal just say when i go out with DD please don't ask DSS if he wants to come with out checking with me first. It's nice to take one kid at a time.

PullTheBricksDown · 09/03/2025 18:00

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 09/03/2025 17:31

Ask him why he doesn't want to spend one on one time with his child. Get defensive right back.
He's trying to palm off his child on to you and doing it in a manipulative way. Time to put a stop to it.

This. In fact, having had this conversation, if he ever invites them along with you again, immediately counter it with a dad and lad idea. 'I think Billy will get bored at flower arranging but you two could go and see Captain America together, father and son time, eh?' His son genuinely does need quality time with his dad, and he can hardly say you're not allowed to issue invites like that if he's done it for you.