AIBU to ask DH to stop doing this and is there a nice way to say it?!

[RonnieRustic]

DH has this really annoying habit where if I'm going out somewhere with our child, and he isn't joining us, he will just ask his older DC if they want to come with me without checking with me first.

For context there is a large age gap so it changes the dynamic pretty significantly.

As an example, I've been really busy with work recently and felt like I haven't spent much quality time with our 5 year old. Yesterday I knew DH had some work to catch up on at home so wouldn't be coming anywhere with us and so I decided to take DD out for the day and spend some time with her. Wasn't anywhere fancy but she loves the outdoors so a walk and lunch sat somewhere outside and she's happy.

DH asked what I was doing with DD, I told him and then 5 minutes later I could hear him saying to 13yo SS "do you want to go out with Ronnie today? Why don't you go etc"

Aibu to wish he'd stop doing this. It's 50:50 whether SS will even say yes as he is at an age where he'd rather spend the day with friends but it just bugs me that DH just assumes that it's fine and doesn't even ask me first. I wanted to spend the day with DD and not have to contend with a teen who'd be bored and want to go home after 10 minutes. Thankfully DSS said no anyway but DH does it every time (he quite often has work to do on the comp at least one weekend day).

Is there a polite way to tell DH that I'd prefer it if he asked me first rather than just inviting DSS out with me when DH won't even be there himself and that sometimes I may want to say no as well. He gets very defensive of anything to do with DSS so I imagine he'll take it the wrong way whatever I say.

Simply reply “No. You have some one on one time with SS this time. We’re going alone.” Byeeeeee

@RonnieRustic how often has dss invaded you and dd's time?
I reckon dh is trying to be popular without raising a finger but taking credit by offering dss days out even if he knows dam well will be of zero interest to him.

Why would you be polite?? Go straight up there, stick your head in and say sorry dad got confused, this is just for little kids, but I’m sure he will take you somewhere for bigger kids if there’s somewhere you want to go.m, and he’s cooking dinner so you can put in your requests! And stroll back out, downstairs and out the door.

he will be pissed, say calmly do not volunteer me without asking and I won’t volunteer you without asking.

Maybe you can work at the weekends and he can do the childcare? I'm assuming then you would fine it quite helpful if he took both children when you have work to do.

Sorry for coming back to the thread so late, had a busy couple of days at work.

We have DSS 3 nights a week but always over the weekend, Fri, Sat & Sun and more in the hols, it's been that way for a while now.

We do tend to do something as a family on the days DH isn't working, but yes I enjoy just spending the time with DD sometimes.

Im not sure it's laziness on DHs part as DSS being here doesn't really affect his work. He either stays in his room mostly or he goes out with friends if he's at home. He gets defensive because I don't see SS in the same way as my DD or so he says.

Pps are right I just need to say it next time and not be bothered about being polite.

I don't have a problem with SS but he does change the dynamic significantly when we go out, he also gets bored easily and just asks to go home after a short time.

This is ridiculous. One to one time with children is as important as involving everyone - with your own dc, as well as step children! Dh and I do this with our shared dd(8) and ds (14) both due to the age gap and wanting to have quality time with each of them. The main issue here is that op's husband could be having quality time with his son while op has quality time with their daughter. I don't know many 13 year olds who would want to go to soft play or whatever with their 5yo sibling.

Op, in your situation I'd just be straight and honest with your dh. And next time, pre-empt it by saying "I'm going to take dd here today, I thought it would be a good opportunity for you to spend some time one to one with ds doing [insert favourite activity].

Does your DH ever take either of the kids out without you on a weekend?

How can you not see that it is exactly this.

He's piling you all off so he has no responsibility.

Well there you go that’s what you say - the bit about the boredom and changing dynamic.

he’s not in reality if he has expectation you will see stepchild in same way as own child

13 year old doesn't need childcare when there's a parent at home.

Yes sometimes he does. They are both his DC though so a little different.

And if I was working I wouldn't really have a problem with SS being in the house as he is either in his room or out with friends at the weekend anyway.

"Please don't ask SS if he wants to join us without checking with me. I think it is important that sometimes DD gets some 1:1 time with me!"

Simples!

If you feel like raising it with him is going to cause an argument then you’ll have to deal with it on a day by day basis - eg if you want a day out with just your DD, tell DH that today it’s going to be a girls day out or a trip to a little kids playground so please don’t invite his son because he’d be bored. Also, even if DH does go ahead and invite him, I think at 13 SS should be old enough for you to explain that directly to him without him being upset or offended.

Yanbu, I don't think he can expect you to see his child the same way you see your own? You are completely entitled to want to spend time with your dc without justifying it to him. Tell him that's what will be happening from now, and if he wants to do something with dss then do it as a family.