AIBU to ask DH to stop doing this and is there a nice way to say it?!

[RonnieRustic]

DH has this really annoying habit where if I'm going out somewhere with our child, and he isn't joining us, he will just ask his older DC if they want to come with me without checking with me first.

For context there is a large age gap so it changes the dynamic pretty significantly.

As an example, I've been really busy with work recently and felt like I haven't spent much quality time with our 5 year old. Yesterday I knew DH had some work to catch up on at home so wouldn't be coming anywhere with us and so I decided to take DD out for the day and spend some time with her. Wasn't anywhere fancy but she loves the outdoors so a walk and lunch sat somewhere outside and she's happy.

DH asked what I was doing with DD, I told him and then 5 minutes later I could hear him saying to 13yo SS "do you want to go out with Ronnie today? Why don't you go etc"

Aibu to wish he'd stop doing this. It's 50:50 whether SS will even say yes as he is at an age where he'd rather spend the day with friends but it just bugs me that DH just assumes that it's fine and doesn't even ask me first. I wanted to spend the day with DD and not have to contend with a teen who'd be bored and want to go home after 10 minutes. Thankfully DSS said no anyway but DH does it every time (he quite often has work to do on the comp at least one weekend day).

Is there a polite way to tell DH that I'd prefer it if he asked me first rather than just inviting DSS out with me when DH won't even be there himself and that sometimes I may want to say no as well. He gets very defensive of anything to do with DSS so I imagine he'll take it the wrong way whatever I say.

“As much as I love DSS, please always ask me first before inviting him. Sometimes the activity may not be suitable or I may want to have a bonding day with DD. I’m sure DSS would like some alone time with his dad too.”

OP I find your post sad. What is wrong with asking your other child if he wants to go out as there is now something to do that doesn’t involve a screen? Why are you only planning activities for your five year old. The more the merrier in our house. I don’t exclude kids if they want to come and certainly wouldn’t be annoyed at them joining us.

Going against the grain, SS is old enough that he doesn't need looking after. Maybe dh juat wants him to feel included in the family.

You need to integrate your blended family better than you are doing.

A) I wouldnt be concerned with being polite.
B) how often does your husband take both children out on his own?

Does DSS live with you? I get the impression he does and so it's not "palming him off during contact time" so much as "trying to make sure he doesn't feel left out" as OP seems to take DD out and leave DSS out of the plans a lot

Any chance he is getting someone into the house while you’re all out or is he just another sack of shit who don’t want to parent, just want to spread his genes? Either way….

If he only sees his son at weekends he should be spending most of the time with him. If he’s really unable to for a few hours then it’s not unreasonable to take him out too most of the time to make sure he doesn’t feel unwanted.

You absolutely nailed it. And in so few words! It really is simply, isn't it!

Just tell him not to do it , can't see the problem. So what if he gets moody.

Your DH has you well trained. You’re fretting about pointing out his unreasonable behaviour and looking for some magic, polite way to do it so that he doesn’t become defensive and turn it back around on you. In other words, he has taught you to keep your mouth shut to avoid his uncomfortable response.

In honour of International Women’s Day yesterday and all of the women who have come before you and have died for your right to be an independent woman, say it the way you said it here. If he kicks off, then fuck him. He is the one who will have two failed marriages under his belt and will potentially find himself having to look after two children alone on the regular.

Oh and please don’t reply saying that he is not a bad man, he is the best husband in the world yada yada, these men are always “the best” whilst somehow simultaneously not.

It's an absolute shame that all this is falling to the OP as the woman and mother when all she wants is her husband to stop assuming she's on call for a child he is also responsible for.

He’s just trying to palm his DC off on you so he doesn’t have to deal with him. Tell him it would be a nice opportunity for him to spend some one on one time with his other DC when you take the 5 yo out. Watch him try to worm his way out of that! CF!

OP, why don’t you take your SS out on his own sometimes?

Poor kid. Bat this right back onto your lazy arse 'childcare is women's work' husband.

Tell your husband straight out - when his son can't hear you, or his father's reaction - that you've planned a me and X day out 1-1 with activities a 5 year old will love and an adolescent boy will loathe.

So it will be just the two of you.

Tell him to step up and plan a father and son thing. Because his son's at an age where fathers and sons need to strengthen and evolve their relationship as he grows through adolescence and needs male company, role modeling and advice - which you can't give.

It’s perfectly acceptable and reasonable that you want to spend some quality one on one time with your daughter. If he doesn’t choose to do the same with his own, well that is on him. Just say so. No arguments.
Not from him or any of these judgy people projecting their own guilt and anger on you in this forum.
Ridiculous.

Sounds like the step son has been with them since he was 7 or 8. And side-lined.

Agree
Its sounds very sad and I do wonder what the future will be like for him.

Yes, imagine knowing that your dad doesn't want to spend time with you on your own or even have you in the house at all while he's working.

Given his dads working I think it would be harder knowing your stepmum and sister are off out without you and your stepmum hasn’t even asked if you’d like to go too.

But clearly that’s all OK

Is there a polite way to tell DH that I'd prefer it if he asked me first rather than just inviting DSS out with me when DH won't even be there himself and that sometimes I may want to say no as well.

If you remove the words "just" and "even" then there is absolutely nothing impolite about this request.

He gets very defensive of anything to do with DSS so I imagine he'll take it the wrong way whatever I say.

This is your real problem. In this instance, he knows he's palming his child off on you instead of doing a bit of parenting himself, which is why he's defensive. I imagine the other times he gets defensive are similarly when he knows perfectly well he's not being a very good parent.

4 pages and not one comment from OP !

So he's volunteering you to babysit his child and give him a few hours of peace.

Dumping extra work on you, in other words.

I wouldn't bother being polite unless the other child could overhear.

Just say, "Sorry, I realise how appealing that may look to you, but it doesn't work for me."

Or, "Don't you want to spend some quality time with DSS?" Optional - "for once."

It would be useful to know whether the dad ever makes time for his son.

Also, how much actual work normally gets done once the children are out of the house.