AIBU to ask DH to stop doing this and is there a nice way to say it?!

[RonnieRustic]

DH has this really annoying habit where if I'm going out somewhere with our child, and he isn't joining us, he will just ask his older DC if they want to come with me without checking with me first.

For context there is a large age gap so it changes the dynamic pretty significantly.

As an example, I've been really busy with work recently and felt like I haven't spent much quality time with our 5 year old. Yesterday I knew DH had some work to catch up on at home so wouldn't be coming anywhere with us and so I decided to take DD out for the day and spend some time with her. Wasn't anywhere fancy but she loves the outdoors so a walk and lunch sat somewhere outside and she's happy.

DH asked what I was doing with DD, I told him and then 5 minutes later I could hear him saying to 13yo SS "do you want to go out with Ronnie today? Why don't you go etc"

Aibu to wish he'd stop doing this. It's 50:50 whether SS will even say yes as he is at an age where he'd rather spend the day with friends but it just bugs me that DH just assumes that it's fine and doesn't even ask me first. I wanted to spend the day with DD and not have to contend with a teen who'd be bored and want to go home after 10 minutes. Thankfully DSS said no anyway but DH does it every time (he quite often has work to do on the comp at least one weekend day).

Is there a polite way to tell DH that I'd prefer it if he asked me first rather than just inviting DSS out with me when DH won't even be there himself and that sometimes I may want to say no as well. He gets very defensive of anything to do with DSS so I imagine he'll take it the wrong way whatever I say.

Women's work: create a family with family activities to include everyone

Men's work: none of the above as they're allowed to be busy with their Big Man Job

You seem a bit nervous about having an ordinary conversation with your partner.
Just say that you sometimes want to spend time just with DD so please can he check before assuming that DSD is invited on all your outings.

Being a family doesn't mean the woman having to take all the kids everywhere she goes.

My three kids don't go everywhere the same - sometimes I take one and sometimes the other two depending on what we're doing. Sometimes DH does. Sometimes we all go out together. Ops seems more like Dad doesn't want to have to do the parenting alone

I think exactly how you said in your last paragraph. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me

you can’t control his feelings that’s on him

I'm usually team step child but this is a different situation. The step child doesn't live with the OP and this is not a family day out. This is the OP wanting to spend some quality time with her child, just the two of them, doing something simple like going to the park. The step child is a 13 year old boy, not a five year old girl. The chances of him wanting to go to the park to feed the ducks (or whatever) with just his step-mum and 5 year old female step sibling are beyond slim. Why isn't the father arranging to take his son out one on one, or arranging a proper family day out for everyone if he feels that bloody passionate about it? I'll tell you why - because it's easier to palm the whole responsibility of his child over to his wife.

@PPullTheBricksDown hear hear

Ask him outright if he's with you because he wanted a nanny with a fanny.

Is it actually YOU he wants, or free childcare that he can shag and share bills with?

If he does claim it's actually you that he wants, he needs to prove it by stepping up and parenting his own child himself. If that means rearranging his work schedule, like millions of other working parents do, instead of using you, so be it.

He’s being a CF so you shouldn’t be tip toeing around trying to find a polite way to tell him to stop.

However, if you are afraid to have that conversation then make sure every time the teen joins you you go to a playground, he will soon realise it’s no fun and stop joining.

That would annoy the fuck out of me. He obviously can’t be arsed entertaining his son. It’s sad, he should want to spend time with him.

Just say exactly what you've said in your original post "I need to talk to you about something. It's difficult to find things that both kids want to do so before you invite DSC out with me can you check with me first and I can tell you whether or not it is something that is appropriate for DSC or if I'm going to have to think of something different to do. Sometimes I make plans with 5yo and then you invite DSC, I have to change plans and 5 yo is left disappointed."

It's absolutely fine to just tell him you want to spend some time with the younger child alone. It's not some weird or heinous crime.

Why bother trying to find a polite way? Tell him to stop, the more impolitely the better

Indeed @Rhaidimiddim has it right

"Stop palming your poor son off on me and spend some time being his Dad" should also suffice

Just talk to dss

Do you want to come with me for (childish to a 13 year old activity) or see your mates?

If he's going to get huffy, regardless of what you say, just say it. Dh I want to spend some 1 to 1 time with dd. She hasn't had enough attention from either of us lately. Stop asking dss if he wants to come with me without checking with me first. If YOU would like to take both of them out then say so and I will take her out with me another time.

Also, when you want it to be just you & dd, I would term it that you and dd are having a girly afternoon.

Next time dh says he's going out (even popping to the shop) say oh hang on, then shout out to dss - your dad is going to xyz do you want to go with him? Dd get your shoes on, you're going out with daddy.
And keep doing it.
See how he likes it.

Or she could pre empt all that, act like they are a family unit, give SS a bit of respect and tell him herself.

Is it really so hard
Hi Jimmy, I’m taking Mary out for the day, you OK? What are you up to…..blah blah….friendly chat….Job done

Agree.
They don’t all have to be glued together all the time but it is kind to talk to members of the family about what you’re up to. It’s kind to respect that at the very least

If you haven't been able to talk to.him about this then that's the most concerning thing!

Obviously he wants the house to himself or to not look after his own child. If he does it again just say no to the step son. Let your dick head husband deal with the fallout. Won't change otherwise. Unless he is actually a decent man and listens to his wife and hears what she's said.

I didn’t say in my post that both kids always have to be included all the time.
Just that it wouldn’t kill OP to talk to her SS about them going out beforehand.

Not doing so just sounds like she doesn’t give a toss how he feels.

I really don’t understand why people think it’s OK for stepchildren to be so sidelined all the time…

But she didn't want to this time! And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that

Maybe next time DH isn’t working when DSS is there you should preempt his question, embrace what DH wants you to do, and arrange a day out with DSS. Leaving DH to spend quality 1-1 time with 5 YO DD. I suspect he might not want that either.

As OP said in her original post ‘dh has an annoying habit’ of this behaviour.
So this isn’t a one off on OPs part.
This happens regularly

Its not, therefore, a case of she didn’t want to speak to him on this occasion alone. This isn’t a one off unusual occasion
My suggestion to OP is to talk to SS herself, she’s known him long enough.

And I think it’s really sad that you don’t prioritise one on one time with each of your kids. I can’t remember a single time as a child when I had a conversation or quality time with my mum just one on one as my sister (v close in age) was always there.

We were always the girls or the kids and I’m sad that we never got that time together.

You mean it's not a one off on her DHs part? And what do you mean she didn't want to speak to him...to who? Her DH chose to ask the kid instead of his wife, OP didn't ask the kid because SHE DIDN'T WANT TO!

Agree
Dh does this regularly and she finds it annoying
Its sad and unacceptable that dh does this regularly it also means OP does this regularly which is also sad for SS and unacceptable

It works both ways but in the middle of this are two kids
One of them, the SS, doesn’t seem to have the right to either an invite or more importantly even the courtesy of a discussion about it. Whilst dd might also benefit from seeing her mum showing a bit of courtesy to SS by letting him know that they are off out.

Is it really so hard for a stepparent to talk to their stepchild

And No. that doesn’t let dh off the hook. But it could very well be that SS gets left out a lot, especially as OP says so.