AIBU to ask DH to stop doing this and is there a nice way to say it?!

[RonnieRustic]

DH has this really annoying habit where if I'm going out somewhere with our child, and he isn't joining us, he will just ask his older DC if they want to come with me without checking with me first.

For context there is a large age gap so it changes the dynamic pretty significantly.

As an example, I've been really busy with work recently and felt like I haven't spent much quality time with our 5 year old. Yesterday I knew DH had some work to catch up on at home so wouldn't be coming anywhere with us and so I decided to take DD out for the day and spend some time with her. Wasn't anywhere fancy but she loves the outdoors so a walk and lunch sat somewhere outside and she's happy.

DH asked what I was doing with DD, I told him and then 5 minutes later I could hear him saying to 13yo SS "do you want to go out with Ronnie today? Why don't you go etc"

Aibu to wish he'd stop doing this. It's 50:50 whether SS will even say yes as he is at an age where he'd rather spend the day with friends but it just bugs me that DH just assumes that it's fine and doesn't even ask me first. I wanted to spend the day with DD and not have to contend with a teen who'd be bored and want to go home after 10 minutes. Thankfully DSS said no anyway but DH does it every time (he quite often has work to do on the comp at least one weekend day).

Is there a polite way to tell DH that I'd prefer it if he asked me first rather than just inviting DSS out with me when DH won't even be there himself and that sometimes I may want to say no as well. He gets very defensive of anything to do with DSS so I imagine he'll take it the wrong way whatever I say.

Why bother trying to find a polite way? Tell him to stop, the more impolitely the better.

I’d just say straight away “Oo sorry no but I don’t think SS will enjoy this, we’re going to xyz and he’ll be bored!” And then glare at your husband. It nips it in the bud in the moment, and then later on when the two of you are alone, just say “I hope you don’t think I was being harsh on SS before, but you shouldn’t put me on the spot like that in front of him, as I felt bad saying he couldn’t come but it really wouldn’t have appealed to him, he would’ve got bored and ruined the day for D. Next time can we organise a family day out in advance?”

100% agree.
The old, old assumption that she's lumbered with one kid, so adding another one won't make a difference to her but will benefit him.

In the example you have given you DH was WORKING at home. Not lazing around. In this situation i think you are being unreasonable not to invite your stepson and your daughters brother with you yes.

Indeed. Shame his own father wants to palm him off to his stepmom at every given opportunity and expects OP to step up every single time with no discussion or even a heads up.

Just tell him. Some good suggestions already given. How often does he take them out separately or together? How much parenting does he do of either of them? Why do you feel so awkward being honest with him?

He’s WORKING on his CONTACT TIME with HIS SON. He doesn’t ask OP nicely if she’ll do his parenting for him so he can work.

A thirteen year old is quite capable of entertaining themselves at home without parental input. Why is it unreasonable of OP to want to spend some time with her DD alone ?

Yeah. Which is totally normal in normal families.

Yes there are - it's much kinder to offer the opportunity to enjoy some fresh air and spend some time with their sister though isn't it?

Next time he’s taking DSS out, send your DD along too.

Why are you pussy footing around trying to find a polite way when what he is doing is outrageously impolite?

Lol, exactly. As if. Let's imagine it's a football match. And then as if he would ask his friends to help him with the wording to politely point out to his wife he wanted 121 with his teenager.

Agree
Why not ask SS if he wants to join you.
Your dh always doing the asking will make SS think you don’t want him there.
When you just want to go out with your dd just tell ss why.

I wouldn’t be leaving anyone out tbh. I’d always ask

Agree
Very sad

I'm angry on your behalf, on your DD's behalf and on your DSS's behalf.

Your DH is an extremely selfish man.

Because she wants time with HER child who is 5, she doesn't want to have to entertain a teenager as well. Why aren't you asking why the dad doesn't want HIS son around?

I often don’t take both kids out, they’re both mine! It’s perfectly normal to want to see a friend or go to a play park without a 13 year old tagging along. I wouldn’t do the. ‘You need to spend quality time together, darling’ in front of your SS though, but I would always say I was going to softplay or shopping for shoes or something equally boring when you wanted some 1-1 time with your daughter.

Honestly, I'd just say "Please could you stop asking DC if he wants to come with me and youngest DC when we go out?"

He's being unreasonable, not you.

Then he should organise his time better to be able to give attention to HIS child on their weekend with him. That's not the OP's responsibility.

BS.
On the step-parenting board we regularly get reminded that the step-children need one-on-one time with Daddy, and step-mums should facilitate this.

But when a step-mum wants one-on-one time with her own children, she's a selfish cow who will scar these poor kids for life.

If Dad was working, he should have arranged proper childcare for his son, as any working mother would. Not expect someone else who is trying to be a good parent to their child to alter their parenting plans.

And - let's not forget this not- minor issue! - without discussing it with her first!

So why doesn’t she tell SS she’s on a day out with dd before he thinks he hasn’t got an invite….preempt that

Im guessing SS was around before OP got together with dh, they came as a package and if dd is 5 now it’s not like she’s only just met him!

They are a family and need to act like one

I'd be interested to know how often he takes either or both of his kids out by himself, without you, OP @RonnieRustic

Respond "Bra Shopping" everytime he asks what you are doing with DD.

She wanted time with her daughter for reasons she explained in her OP, if her DH wants her to take his child then he should ask OP first if it's ok.