AIBU to ask DH to stop doing this and is there a nice way to say it?!

[RonnieRustic]

DH has this really annoying habit where if I'm going out somewhere with our child, and he isn't joining us, he will just ask his older DC if they want to come with me without checking with me first.

For context there is a large age gap so it changes the dynamic pretty significantly.

As an example, I've been really busy with work recently and felt like I haven't spent much quality time with our 5 year old. Yesterday I knew DH had some work to catch up on at home so wouldn't be coming anywhere with us and so I decided to take DD out for the day and spend some time with her. Wasn't anywhere fancy but she loves the outdoors so a walk and lunch sat somewhere outside and she's happy.

DH asked what I was doing with DD, I told him and then 5 minutes later I could hear him saying to 13yo SS "do you want to go out with Ronnie today? Why don't you go etc"

Aibu to wish he'd stop doing this. It's 50:50 whether SS will even say yes as he is at an age where he'd rather spend the day with friends but it just bugs me that DH just assumes that it's fine and doesn't even ask me first. I wanted to spend the day with DD and not have to contend with a teen who'd be bored and want to go home after 10 minutes. Thankfully DSS said no anyway but DH does it every time (he quite often has work to do on the comp at least one weekend day).

Is there a polite way to tell DH that I'd prefer it if he asked me first rather than just inviting DSS out with me when DH won't even be there himself and that sometimes I may want to say no as well. He gets very defensive of anything to do with DSS so I imagine he'll take it the wrong way whatever I say.

Might as well be blunt!

'Stop inviting DSS out with me and DD without asking me first - it will feel like you don't want him around, on the days he is meant to be here with you and it means he may feel pressured to come out with us to do boring things he doesn't want to do, or it means changing our plans to suit him, so they no longer suit DD.

If what we're doing is suitable for him, I'll invite him/let you know!'

That way you get in there first with the suggestion that it is he who doesn't want his own son around, if he then tries to suggest you don't want DSS around you can then wheel out the big guns 'I love him, he's great but 13 year olds typically don't share the same interests as 5 year olds and it's unfair to expect them to!'.

Child care? For a 13 year old?

Saying to the child not going 'X ig doing something today and you will get to do something in a few days' or whatever seems a right way to do a seperate child doing something thing, but the way this comes across it does feel as ''I am wanting to only do something with MY child only"

and sure the father is the biological parent but yes it comes across as ''it is his responsibility" as the other child is an inconcvience

I presume if both children were biologically both parents would this situation have even come up?

Do it back to him and he'll get it pretty fast. Cheeky fucker.

Why wouldn't you take both kids?? Is it because your 5 ye old is your biological DC? If so then that's appalling behaviour. Why leave one out? He's asking your stepDC because he doesn't want anyone left out!

My thought exactly. I can’t stand step parents like this. Treating their stepDC like guests you've barely know

Childcare?! He's her stepson! She's favouring her bio DC over her StepDC!

When we had dss on the weekends we did things together or he and his dad often did much more exciting things that toddlers couldn't do, but in the holidays when dh was working and I wasn't I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving dss out. We just worked out activities that suited all the kids.

@RonnieRustic are you going to come back to the thread you set up ?

Say “me and dd and going out to give you some quality time with your son”

What does he say when you ask him not to do it?

Absolutely. 100%. Why can’t OP see this?

Eh, just tell him and suggest he spend quality 1:1 time with his son. No way you can do something to keep both happy.

Some of these replies are wild!

My children are full siblings but I often take one or other of them out on their own. It’s a matter of importance to me that they all have their individual time. I wouldn’t make either of my 16 year olds go to the bookshop with my 11 year old as they would hate it but one likes eating out and the other likes shopping so each month they all get a chance to do something that wouldn’t work for the whole family. They get on very well but these 1-1’s are important to all of us.

What if you want 1:1 time with your own child? The SS is not her responsibility.

He should be doing his ‘computer work’ when his kids aren’t with him. Assuming he gets SS EOW he should be treasuring this time not employing crap time management to avoid parenting. Why did he break up with the ex?
yanbu to want time with your dd only.

He thinks you don’t love his son as much as your child together. You evidently don’t. That’s not fair for the boy to see or feel. Dh is trying to compensate for you. I don’t blame him.

She probably doesn't, only natural though

But if DH does think that, why doesn't he do something fun with his child?

Oops, quoted wrong post but you get the jist

I was a child in this situation..however the siblings were only step not my half siblings.

it was clear if I went along with my step mum my dad and her had talked before BUT it wasnt in a working at home situation but I would go with step mum if dad was going to be elsewhere - so could be compared. This didn’t feel mean that they had discussed, it felt clear.

however I think if my step sibling had been a half sibling I would have felt very left out and it would have stung but I can see OPs pov…I think it’s all in the springing it on her, like I say my dad and stepmom had clearly discussed because they would say “your doing this today and your doing this”

a different era..I’m 55!!

Be honest, tell him it changes the dynamic, you want to spend one on one time with DD.

I think he is aware but pushing it anyway to excuse himself from parenting for a few hours.

If the children bonding is important, he can organise a day out.

You're wanting a nice way to say something because you know he's not going to like it if you say no.

Tough.

Just say it like he does.

No. I can't take S because we are doing a girl thing or there's too much of an age difference.

No, I can't take S because this is his time to spend with you. You are his parent, time to do some parenting.

Tell him if he doesn't check with you first the answer is an automatic no. Don't let disrespect payoff for him.

How did it go, @RonnieRustic ? Did you have a talk to him?

God, tell him to ask YOU first. It’s not that hard! He can step up and be there for his kids, maybe?