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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH arrived home after night out with another woman

140 replies

FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 08:11

I have had an absolute night of it…apologies if the below is long winded.

DH and I are in the process of separating. Decision was made just after Christmas with that being the final straw.

DH moved into spare room which is on the top floor of the house, so between being up there and working away fairly regularly (one of our issues), we have managed not to see much of each other and the house is in the process of being sold (luckily we had an offer at asking price within a week of it being listed).

DH has been seeing his friends more regularly and staying out later if he goes out on a Friday or Saturday.

I knew he was going out last night and I was woken by him crashing in at gone 2am. This would usually annoy me but I can go back to sleep easy enough.

I then heard what sounded like heels walking on our wooden hallway floor downstairs. I immediately got up out of bed looked downstairs and DH had a woman with him. She looked a bit worse for wear and as soon as she saw me, she turned to DH and said something along the lies of ‘you didn’t tell me about her’, said ‘I’m so sorry’ to me and immediately left the house with DH following after her.

He didn’t return after this and still isn’t home now, so I can only assume they went back to hers instead.

I know we are in the process of separating but AIBU to suggest that it is completely disrespectful for him to bring someone home whilst we are still under the same roof?

I live nearly 2 hours from my parents and my job is here so moving out isn’t an option. DH has some family near but his argument has been that he’s away working so much it makes no sense for him to move out for the sake of a few months. I want him gone after this.

OP posts:
Griff1963 · 10/03/2025 20:09

Take a man back and let him feel what you have felt!

Ariana12 · 10/03/2025 20:14

madamweb · 09/03/2025 08:23

I mean he can, technically. But he has to be ok with op doing the same.

And I can't imagine there are many women who have so little respect for others that they would be happy to shag a man while his ex wife was in the house

Show quote history

In practice he's a bit gross. Clearly both women thought so. Now you can also tell him OP and set the boundaries. And good luck with everything too.

Wesel85 · 10/03/2025 20:20

Hi OP I'm really sorry your in this situation, it doesn't sound like your ex H really cares about being disrespectful to you as it seems this ditch effort to invoke a reaction from you was done on purpose, I wouldn't personally have any type of conversation with this human being as it won't end well.

While I understand the mature thing to do is to have the conversation and set rules but I highly doubt that will stick, and he won't care once he has had a few.

I personally would ignore his behaviour and carry on living my life, his tantrums won't get any attention from you as he wishes to behave like a child let him be, hopefully it won't be too long before the sale of the house is done and you can be on your way.

Don't cause yourself extra stress, his behaviour is his choice.

MyLimeGuide · 10/03/2025 20:25

FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 09:39

He got through the door 20 minutes ago out a taxi and seemed a bit drunk still. He walked into the kitchen where I was and asked why I’m jealous of him moving on which I said I’m not but didn’t appreciate him disrespecting me like that in my own home.

He said he owns half the house so can do what he wants but ‘no need to worry as she was only in the area for one night so won’t be seeing her again’. And he said he will give me advance notice next time to which I told him to off and he went upstairs.

Assuming she was in a hotel I don’t know why they didn’t just go there to begin with!

What an absolute barstard. Glad he is your ex OP.

BunnyLake · 10/03/2025 21:08

FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 09:39

He got through the door 20 minutes ago out a taxi and seemed a bit drunk still. He walked into the kitchen where I was and asked why I’m jealous of him moving on which I said I’m not but didn’t appreciate him disrespecting me like that in my own home.

He said he owns half the house so can do what he wants but ‘no need to worry as she was only in the area for one night so won’t be seeing her again’. And he said he will give me advance notice next time to which I told him to off and he went upstairs.

Assuming she was in a hotel I don’t know why they didn’t just go there to begin with!

So it was going to be a one night stand? I really don’t think that’s on, there could end up being a string on one night stands going through your house. A good (hopefully civilised) talk is needed.

Bluesandwhites · 10/03/2025 21:19

OP, there is at least one poster on this thread suggesting you need alternative living arrangements, despite you making it clear the house is sold, and your work is nearby. Please stick to your guns, even though you are sharing with a &^%$!! Hopefully it won't be for much longer. You sound like a very tolerant person, you must have had to put up with a lot before it reached this stage.
Your "housemate's" pull sounds like a lady of the night, I bet he's out of pocket after a drunken s*&££!

WhenICalledYouLastNightFromTesco · 10/03/2025 21:24

Whilst other PPs have correctly pointed out that legally he can do this, morally I think it's absolutely vile.

I read this and really felt for you @FlyAway25, so I just want to say keep strong and you'll be free of his repugnant behaviour soon.

PodgePie · 10/03/2025 21:59

Vile behaviour from him. I would argue that if he wants to have company in the evening, his local relatives are the best option for him when it comes to living arrangements.

Poor you, horrible to experience & I’m sure a very stark reminder of why you separated.

HippingFleck · 11/03/2025 00:20

ExtraOnions · 09/03/2025 09:03

He might not have only met her tonight, but seeing her for a few weeks
She may well have been over previously when you weren’t there
You have had friends over yourself
You are separated … he may well have forgotten you were even there.

Why did you get up up take a look ?

You need to change your living situation.

WTAF???
Why shouldn't Op get up and take a look? Should she put ear plugs in too so she doesn't hear if he fancies bringing someone back for a shag or lie meekly in her room and ignore.
His behaviour was disgusting, disrespectful and demeaning to you and OW.
And if you read OP properly, she is sorting out alternative living arrangements🙄🙄🙄
I would also worry about security, what if something of yours went missing? Whole thing is ick!

OneShoeShort · 11/03/2025 01:29

Of course he's being a disgustingly inconsiderate arse.

But you're divorcing (presumably for good reasons) and once the house is sold you'll be done with each other, so I wouldn't waste energy on a fight. He's not going to apologize or prioritize your feelings, you don't have any way to make him, and there's nothing productive that will come from it - at the end of the day you're still going to be divorced and the only thing that will change is how much misery and emotional turmoil you'll put yourself through between now and then.

Mutter "thank god I'm divorcing that pig" under your breath and set a reminder to check in with the estate agent on the regular. If the current offer falls through then tell your ex you want to set a time frame for him moving out (you can offer to pay him "rent" out of your proceeds of the house sale if he's an arse about it) or dropping the asking price.

99problems99 · 11/03/2025 06:16

FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 08:11

I have had an absolute night of it…apologies if the below is long winded.

DH and I are in the process of separating. Decision was made just after Christmas with that being the final straw.

DH moved into spare room which is on the top floor of the house, so between being up there and working away fairly regularly (one of our issues), we have managed not to see much of each other and the house is in the process of being sold (luckily we had an offer at asking price within a week of it being listed).

DH has been seeing his friends more regularly and staying out later if he goes out on a Friday or Saturday.

I knew he was going out last night and I was woken by him crashing in at gone 2am. This would usually annoy me but I can go back to sleep easy enough.

I then heard what sounded like heels walking on our wooden hallway floor downstairs. I immediately got up out of bed looked downstairs and DH had a woman with him. She looked a bit worse for wear and as soon as she saw me, she turned to DH and said something along the lies of ‘you didn’t tell me about her’, said ‘I’m so sorry’ to me and immediately left the house with DH following after her.

He didn’t return after this and still isn’t home now, so I can only assume they went back to hers instead.

I know we are in the process of separating but AIBU to suggest that it is completely disrespectful for him to bring someone home whilst we are still under the same roof?

I live nearly 2 hours from my parents and my job is here so moving out isn’t an option. DH has some family near but his argument has been that he’s away working so much it makes no sense for him to move out for the sake of a few months. I want him gone after this.

Jesus I’d literally flip my lid!!! YANBU. Tell
him you want him out. Go to his parents, if he can’t keep it in his pants for the sake of a few months there is something seriously wrong with him! He may also be doing it to try and make you jealous into wanting him back. What these stupid men don’t realise is our brains don’t work like that. Hope you’re ok! Xx

Coinsfortheeyes · 11/03/2025 08:48

I was in a similar scenario with my ex.

In the end, I decided to move into an Air BnB whilst the house sale was going through as we were both home a lot and it felt weird as our house wasn't huge.

On one occasion, I went back to the house (always text in advance even though I was still paying half the mortgage) to pick up post, and it was evident that a woman had been staying there, make up in living room etc.

I even found that quite disrespectful even though I wasn't living there as it was still technically my home and he hadn't even bothered to give me the heads up knowing I was dropping by.

So this scenario is ABSOLUTELY completely disrespectful.

LittleJoeyJoJo · 12/03/2025 19:09

Got any male mates who’d be up for pretending to be ’the other man’ so you can have a few drinks, roll in at 2am and pretend you’re going to shag in the room underneath him 🤣

caffelattetogo · 14/03/2025 17:35

LittleJoeyJoJo · 12/03/2025 19:09

Got any male mates who’d be up for pretending to be ’the other man’ so you can have a few drinks, roll in at 2am and pretend you’re going to shag in the room underneath him 🤣

please, please do this!

Taliah5 · 14/03/2025 18:59

You need to let him live his life now.

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