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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH arrived home after night out with another woman

140 replies

FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 08:11

I have had an absolute night of it…apologies if the below is long winded.

DH and I are in the process of separating. Decision was made just after Christmas with that being the final straw.

DH moved into spare room which is on the top floor of the house, so between being up there and working away fairly regularly (one of our issues), we have managed not to see much of each other and the house is in the process of being sold (luckily we had an offer at asking price within a week of it being listed).

DH has been seeing his friends more regularly and staying out later if he goes out on a Friday or Saturday.

I knew he was going out last night and I was woken by him crashing in at gone 2am. This would usually annoy me but I can go back to sleep easy enough.

I then heard what sounded like heels walking on our wooden hallway floor downstairs. I immediately got up out of bed looked downstairs and DH had a woman with him. She looked a bit worse for wear and as soon as she saw me, she turned to DH and said something along the lies of ‘you didn’t tell me about her’, said ‘I’m so sorry’ to me and immediately left the house with DH following after her.

He didn’t return after this and still isn’t home now, so I can only assume they went back to hers instead.

I know we are in the process of separating but AIBU to suggest that it is completely disrespectful for him to bring someone home whilst we are still under the same roof?

I live nearly 2 hours from my parents and my job is here so moving out isn’t an option. DH has some family near but his argument has been that he’s away working so much it makes no sense for him to move out for the sake of a few months. I want him gone after this.

OP posts:

Orangesinthebag · 09/03/2025 11:16

Exactly as on another thread, his behaviour was deliberate and it was designed to hurt you.

He's emotionally immature and thinks this sort of desperate, sad shag with a random woman will make you jealous. It's probably also a way to deal with the unhappiness he feels that your marriage is over.

I don't know if I would have the conversation too soon, if he's hungover it might not go well. And he will probably feel shit about himself anyway which might lead to aggression and nasty things being said.

But a conversation about house rules while you wait for the sale is needed.
And if he can't keep it in his pants and act like a mature, respectful adult for a few months he needs to move out.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 09/03/2025 11:30

If possible you need to have a grown up conversation with him when he comes back/sobers up OP. You need boundaries in place until the house is sold and you can separate properly. He also needs to know that, depending on the stage you’re at regarding separation, his behaviour could be construed as adultery. It might be worth getting a bit of legal advice as to your rights here, because it seems really obvious to me that quite apart from being a massively disrespectful arsehole who clearly only thinks with his dick, he’s putting you at risk by bringing random women into the house. Some posters are hung up on the fact that you don’t have kids - I agree it would be totally unacceptable for him to behave like this with children in the house, but I don’t see why you are any less important from a safety point of view.

VenusClapTrap · 09/03/2025 11:41

If he does this again, go downstairs and offer her a cup of tea and start mooching about. Make some comment about suggesting he explains the shower quirk to her as it always causes trouble for his late night guests. Should kill the mood and ensure she runs for the hills.

BIossomtoes · 09/03/2025 12:02

She ran for the hills anyway.

Ryah76 · 09/03/2025 12:14

@FlyAway25 I had to live with my now ex husband during Covid and lifting of restrictions. He could have easily moved in with his parents who literally lived 10 mins up the road-but he refused.
My ex remained in the house until it sold, purely out of spite, and while he didn’t bring his ow to our home, he didn’t hide when he left to meet her or had conversations on the phone.

Prepare yourself, your ex probably won’t agree to move out and he may pull a stunt like this again- just to be spiteful

Mrsbloggz · 09/03/2025 12:16

I would go out clubbing and start bringing 'cage fighter' type men home, see how he likes that.

Penguinmouse · 09/03/2025 12:18

Hugely disrespectful. Expedite this separation to divorce.

SatsumaDog · 09/03/2025 12:21

I agree op, it’s very disrespectful to bring another woman home like that. At least she apologised (although it wasn’t her fault, but shows she had no idea about you) and hopefully she will see him for the arsehole he is.

Grendel7 · 09/03/2025 12:22

OP already said the house was for sale and a buyer agreed, this situation should only be short term,hopefully! In the meantime, it sounds as though he has told girlfriend you have moved out,if she even knew of your existence that is.You have had a lucky escape,my sympathies go to you for putting up with him as long as you did,but he is her problem now and maybe has already had a glimpse of what he is capable of.If he is paying part of the mortgage,you may have to lump it for now,but remember it is only going to temporary.

MrsSlocombesCat · 09/03/2025 12:26

MolluscMonday · 09/03/2025 09:00

This situation is madness. Nesting arrangements are hard enough when you have to have them because you’ve got kids, but you don’t!

What’s the plan, is the house being sold or is one of you buying the other out? Get that sorted and started this week and in the meantime agree some more explicit ground rules.

It's so annoying when people comment without reading the thread.

getthosetitsup · 09/03/2025 12:29

OP, when you have that sober conversation, please remind him that you also own half the house and can "do what you want", so maybe he can think on that.

Destinye · 09/03/2025 12:39

Mrsbloggz · 09/03/2025 12:16

I would go out clubbing and start bringing 'cage fighter' type men home, see how he likes that.

I like this idea. What a prick he is!

JoyDreamer86 · 09/03/2025 12:52

Mydietstartstomorrow · 09/03/2025 10:29

You really should higher your standards if you think this is acceptable.
Whether they’ve separated and selling the house or not is irrelevant this, is the OP’s home and there should be a level of respect here where they don’t bring their shag pieces back to the house. I’m damn sure the ex wouldn’t like it if it was the other way round

Show quote history

I'm just saying that it was obviously a drunken night and his house too. Him and his ex dont see much of each other so he chanced it. He fancied a shag. Just saying its crappy but not the end of the world given they've already decided to separate

JHound · 09/03/2025 12:54

He is being MASSIVELY disrespectful - what a dick.

And kudos to the other woman.

Codlingmoths · 09/03/2025 13:26

You have a grown up conversation when he gets back where you smile sweetly, and say you know how you said it’s your house too? You’re right, and I can’t stop you bringing anyone back. Just as it’s my house too, and I can come out and say hi to any visitors coming into my house, including your one night stands. Never mind, it will be sold soon. But I plan to amuse myself by rating your companions. Can I check if you’re paying them? I’d feel bad saying something negative if you are, that’s all. If you’re paying them I’ll give them a 9 unless that’s beyond the bounds of the imagination, as it’s not like they have a huge choice poor things.

i think that would sufficiently put him off.

AlphaApple · 09/03/2025 13:48

He's feeling tired, hungover and defensive today. I imagine he'll be sufficiently put off for the future. Wishing you a very quick sale and a happy ever after divorce!

DBD1975 · 09/03/2025 13:53

Not many things shock me on Mumsnet but this is beyond shocking.
You shouldn't have needed to have the discussion as it should be a given neither of you would bring anyone back, beyond disrespectful
You can't change what has happened and no good agreeing boundaries now, he has crossed a line and you are well shot of him.

Neemie · 09/03/2025 14:02

JoyDreamer86 · 09/03/2025 08:29

You've separated, house is in process of being sold, you hardly ever see each other. He was presumably drunk and it was early hours so perhaps thought he could sneak in but made more noise due to being drunk. There's no kids involved. Its crappy but not a big deal. Your both separate adults now.

This level of detachment is very unusual.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 09/03/2025 14:04

DazedDragon · 09/03/2025 08:16

Wow! How disrespectful.

You need to set some rules.

If he wants to shag other women then that's fine but absolutely NOT in the family home.

I assume there are no kids involved here?

Whilst I agree he is disrespectful what will she do if he says no to ehe rules? They are already separating and selling the house so unless he chooses to be reasonable there's not much she can do.

She can't kick him out because he owns half the house, she can threaten to divorce because they are already in the process.

JoyDreamer86 · 09/03/2025 14:07

Neemie · 09/03/2025 14:02

This level of detachment is very unusual.

Show quote history

She got woken up, they left. I'm just pointing out to the poster instead of working her up even more that whilst it's not something you would be happy about it's not worth getting too worked up about. Another reason to be glad she is moving on.

2025willbemytime · 09/03/2025 14:28

MolluscMonday · 09/03/2025 09:00

This situation is madness. Nesting arrangements are hard enough when you have to have them because you’ve got kids, but you don’t!

What’s the plan, is the house being sold or is one of you buying the other out? Get that sorted and started this week and in the meantime agree some more explicit ground rules.

It's madness at the lack of reading comprehension.

Nellsbell · 09/03/2025 14:33

I think for the sake of your sanity yes the ideal would be for him to stay somewhere else for now. But as he owns half the house I presume, you can’t make make him.

BashfulClam · 09/03/2025 14:54

MolluscMonday · 09/03/2025 09:00

This situation is madness. Nesting arrangements are hard enough when you have to have them because you’ve got kids, but you don’t!

What’s the plan, is the house being sold or is one of you buying the other out? Get that sorted and started this week and in the meantime agree some more explicit ground rules.

The house is being sold, it mentions it in the OP!!!!!!!!!!

Krop · 09/03/2025 14:59

That's fucking grim. What a twat he is. Lucky you will soon be well rid.

Londonismyjam · 09/03/2025 15:06

AlphaApple · 09/03/2025 13:48

He's feeling tired, hungover and defensive today. I imagine he'll be sufficiently put off for the future. Wishing you a very quick sale and a happy ever after divorce!

This.

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