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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH arrived home after night out with another woman

140 replies

FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 08:11

I have had an absolute night of it…apologies if the below is long winded.

DH and I are in the process of separating. Decision was made just after Christmas with that being the final straw.

DH moved into spare room which is on the top floor of the house, so between being up there and working away fairly regularly (one of our issues), we have managed not to see much of each other and the house is in the process of being sold (luckily we had an offer at asking price within a week of it being listed).

DH has been seeing his friends more regularly and staying out later if he goes out on a Friday or Saturday.

I knew he was going out last night and I was woken by him crashing in at gone 2am. This would usually annoy me but I can go back to sleep easy enough.

I then heard what sounded like heels walking on our wooden hallway floor downstairs. I immediately got up out of bed looked downstairs and DH had a woman with him. She looked a bit worse for wear and as soon as she saw me, she turned to DH and said something along the lies of ‘you didn’t tell me about her’, said ‘I’m so sorry’ to me and immediately left the house with DH following after her.

He didn’t return after this and still isn’t home now, so I can only assume they went back to hers instead.

I know we are in the process of separating but AIBU to suggest that it is completely disrespectful for him to bring someone home whilst we are still under the same roof?

I live nearly 2 hours from my parents and my job is here so moving out isn’t an option. DH has some family near but his argument has been that he’s away working so much it makes no sense for him to move out for the sake of a few months. I want him gone after this.

OP posts:
fluffyblanky · 09/03/2025 09:55

OP why did you split?

Cherrysoup · 09/03/2025 09:58

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 09/03/2025 09:53

Because I didn’t really fancy the prospect of hearing them ‘at it’ in the room above me!

And this is why you can't stay living together. Because he's going to do that eventually. This situation is untenable.

OP says the house is sold but it takes time for this to go through.

I very much doubt any woman would want to stay if the OP were to make an appearance.

Itsfiiiine · 09/03/2025 10:01

He walked into the kitchen where I was and asked why I’m jealous of him moving on which I said I’m not but didn’t appreciate him disrespecting me like that in my own home.

And there we have it. Last night was all about trying to make you jealous and now he comes in gaslighting you telling you that you are jealous when I'm guessing you're anything but.
Just grey rock him. Don't mention it again.
If you can spend the night elsewhere when he's there even better.

Original poster
FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 10:02

fluffyblanky · 09/03/2025 09:55

OP why did you split?

An accumulation of different issues really - ultimately DH wasn’t prepared to compromise on certain things and I had become a shadow of my former self. Christmas was awful with argument after argument and we both agreed time was up.

OP posts:
WaterMonkey · 09/03/2025 10:04

Itsfiiiine · 09/03/2025 10:01

He walked into the kitchen where I was and asked why I’m jealous of him moving on which I said I’m not but didn’t appreciate him disrespecting me like that in my own home.

And there we have it. Last night was all about trying to make you jealous and now he comes in gaslighting you telling you that you are jealous when I'm guessing you're anything but.
Just grey rock him. Don't mention it again.
If you can spend the night elsewhere when he's there even better.

OP, I so hope you take this distasteful episode for what it is - a sign that you’re absolutely doing the right thing in splitting. You’re better shot of him.

Original poster
FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 10:05

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 09/03/2025 09:53

Because I didn’t really fancy the prospect of hearing them ‘at it’ in the room above me!

And this is why you can't stay living together. Because he's going to do that eventually. This situation is untenable.

I agree but there’s no where I can go and I can’t afford to rent in the meantime whilst still paying half the Mortgage.

He does have family near but the response last time was given he’s away a lot what’s the point troubling them for the sake of a few months.

After last night I am going to speak to him again when sober about making alternative arrangements until the house sells.

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 09/03/2025 10:06

Ohdeardearme · 09/03/2025 08:32

Well at least the woman had the decency to leave but why she would still want to have sex with him is a mystery to me.

That was a totally disgusting way to treat someone you once exchanged marriage vows with. The sooner he is out of your life the better OP.

We see examples here every single day of women who will have sex with (and bear children by) any loser who looks their way.

This is nothing new.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 09/03/2025 10:07

MolluscMonday · 09/03/2025 09:00

This situation is madness. Nesting arrangements are hard enough when you have to have them because you’ve got kids, but you don’t!

What’s the plan, is the house being sold or is one of you buying the other out? Get that sorted and started this week and in the meantime agree some more explicit ground rules.

It says in the OP the house is in the process of being sold.

Chunkilumptious · 09/03/2025 10:09

I think a sober conversation is in order. He's been an absolute prick. You might not be a couple any more but you're living together and should show each other decency and consideration. The simplest way is just no partners at home. It's a situation with the potential to get complicated, emotionally speaking (that goes both ways) so most appropriate to keep it simple. It's not about being jealous, it's about being prudent and respectful. Goes a long way.

Nikki75 · 09/03/2025 10:11

FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 08:11

I have had an absolute night of it…apologies if the below is long winded.

DH and I are in the process of separating. Decision was made just after Christmas with that being the final straw.

DH moved into spare room which is on the top floor of the house, so between being up there and working away fairly regularly (one of our issues), we have managed not to see much of each other and the house is in the process of being sold (luckily we had an offer at asking price within a week of it being listed).

DH has been seeing his friends more regularly and staying out later if he goes out on a Friday or Saturday.

I knew he was going out last night and I was woken by him crashing in at gone 2am. This would usually annoy me but I can go back to sleep easy enough.

I then heard what sounded like heels walking on our wooden hallway floor downstairs. I immediately got up out of bed looked downstairs and DH had a woman with him. She looked a bit worse for wear and as soon as she saw me, she turned to DH and said something along the lies of ‘you didn’t tell me about her’, said ‘I’m so sorry’ to me and immediately left the house with DH following after her.

He didn’t return after this and still isn’t home now, so I can only assume they went back to hers instead.

I know we are in the process of separating but AIBU to suggest that it is completely disrespectful for him to bring someone home whilst we are still under the same roof?

I live nearly 2 hours from my parents and my job is here so moving out isn’t an option. DH has some family near but his argument has been that he’s away working so much it makes no sense for him to move out for the sake of a few months. I want him gone after this.

I would tell him straight that if that ever happens again you will remove the other person yourself make a show of him see how he likes it.
How disrespectful and unattractive that makes him look , I bet you are so glad you will be free of this person and move on .

BruceAndNosh · 09/03/2025 10:18

Next time he goes out on the pull, sellotape a large sign to his bedroom door.
"if you have brought a random woman (or man) HOME to shag, please keep the noise down.
Regards Your soon to be ex wife"

That'll put a dampener on things

Easipeelerie · 09/03/2025 10:20

Are there children in the house?

Silvertulips · 09/03/2025 10:26

Wow! Thats really awful.

I think he needs to wise up! What’s the plan once the house sale goes through?

Bluenotgreen · 09/03/2025 10:27

I think he did this deliberately.

Mydietstartstomorrow · 09/03/2025 10:29

JoyDreamer86 · 09/03/2025 08:29

You've separated, house is in process of being sold, you hardly ever see each other. He was presumably drunk and it was early hours so perhaps thought he could sneak in but made more noise due to being drunk. There's no kids involved. Its crappy but not a big deal. Your both separate adults now.

You really should higher your standards if you think this is acceptable.
Whether they’ve separated and selling the house or not is irrelevant this, is the OP’s home and there should be a level of respect here where they don’t bring their shag pieces back to the house. I’m damn sure the ex wouldn’t like it if it was the other way round

Biglifedecisions · 09/03/2025 10:31

Disgusting behaviour towards both of you, she at least showed some respect for you. Without a doubt you are well shot of your ex douche bag op.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/03/2025 10:32

What an arse. The woman must have felt awful, too.

APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH · 09/03/2025 10:34

JFC. Just pity the poor woman, she’s got your twatty cast off of an ex. YANBU. So disrespectful and shows you’ve made the right choice

Wibblywobblybobbly · 09/03/2025 10:34

I know it is incredibly immature, but I'd be so tempted to engage the services of a hot man to come and hang out in my bedroom for a few hours and jump up and down on the bed a bit and giggle a lot.

Livelaughlurgy · 09/03/2025 10:44

He won't trouble his family- why would be when he is troubling you and you'll put up with it. I don't understand what part is in your interest not to sell and split immediately? Tell him you'll move out next week and he can cover your half of the mortgage in return for sole occupancy and do what he likes or you can sell up.

edited- I completely misread it's in the process of being sold, at first read I had decided you had to wait a while, apologies

LovelyLeitrim · 09/03/2025 10:59

OverthinkingOlive · 09/03/2025 08:25

Fair played to her!

Agreed!

I think it’s disrespectful but I’m not sure where you stand legally, if he ignores you.

Simplynotsimple · 09/03/2025 11:06

Obviously, legally he has a right to be in your shared house and bring whoever he wants back. But this is really disrespectful and seems to be an emotional play. He’s trying to upset you by picking up a random woman that he thinks is both a throwaway sexual encounter and a chance to mess with your head. If this was a good few months after you split and he was dating the woman there may be a different angle to it, but he was just using her to get your back up. Almost a punishment in my mind for divorce.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 09/03/2025 11:07

MolluscMonday · 09/03/2025 09:00

This situation is madness. Nesting arrangements are hard enough when you have to have them because you’ve got kids, but you don’t!

What’s the plan, is the house being sold or is one of you buying the other out? Get that sorted and started this week and in the meantime agree some more explicit ground rules.

you picked up on the fact that they have no kids but completely missed the fact that the house is up for sale and they’ve had an offer ?

CorduroySituation · 09/03/2025 11:08

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 09/03/2025 09:53

Because I didn’t really fancy the prospect of hearing them ‘at it’ in the room above me!

And this is why you can't stay living together. Because he's going to do that eventually. This situation is untenable.

Well, the house is being sold but it's a process. So in the meantime they need to establish some clear rules, that's all. It's not "untenable" - thousands of couples go through this process every year.

Dweetfidilove · 09/03/2025 11:11

What an absolute twat. Of course this was a play to make you jealous- utterly deluded prick 🙄.

Thankfully the woman never has to see him again either. How awful of him to use her as a pawn in his silly game ☹️.