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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH arrived home after night out with another woman

140 replies

FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 08:11

I have had an absolute night of it…apologies if the below is long winded.

DH and I are in the process of separating. Decision was made just after Christmas with that being the final straw.

DH moved into spare room which is on the top floor of the house, so between being up there and working away fairly regularly (one of our issues), we have managed not to see much of each other and the house is in the process of being sold (luckily we had an offer at asking price within a week of it being listed).

DH has been seeing his friends more regularly and staying out later if he goes out on a Friday or Saturday.

I knew he was going out last night and I was woken by him crashing in at gone 2am. This would usually annoy me but I can go back to sleep easy enough.

I then heard what sounded like heels walking on our wooden hallway floor downstairs. I immediately got up out of bed looked downstairs and DH had a woman with him. She looked a bit worse for wear and as soon as she saw me, she turned to DH and said something along the lies of ‘you didn’t tell me about her’, said ‘I’m so sorry’ to me and immediately left the house with DH following after her.

He didn’t return after this and still isn’t home now, so I can only assume they went back to hers instead.

I know we are in the process of separating but AIBU to suggest that it is completely disrespectful for him to bring someone home whilst we are still under the same roof?

I live nearly 2 hours from my parents and my job is here so moving out isn’t an option. DH has some family near but his argument has been that he’s away working so much it makes no sense for him to move out for the sake of a few months. I want him gone after this.

OP posts:
MellowCritic · 09/03/2025 15:23

2025willbemytime · 09/03/2025 14:28

It's madness at the lack of reading comprehension.

Show quote history

I think the comment is intentionally being stupid ... don't waste your breath on these posts.

BobbyBiscuits · 09/03/2025 15:49

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. It's insensitive and embarrassing for her and incredibly hurtful, disrespectful and rude to you.
I hope he gets out of the house asap.

VeggPatch · 09/03/2025 16:05

I think when he gets up and you have a sober conversation you should tell him you've changed your mind and actually, you're both adults, you're separating, of course you should both be able to bring someone back if you like.

Then get a string of obliging male friends to come round and pretend to be your latest pull. Ideally beautiful ones.😁

Orangesinthebag · 09/03/2025 16:45

VeggPatch · 09/03/2025 16:05

I think when he gets up and you have a sober conversation you should tell him you've changed your mind and actually, you're both adults, you're separating, of course you should both be able to bring someone back if you like.

Then get a string of obliging male friends to come round and pretend to be your latest pull. Ideally beautiful ones.😁

Don't do this, OP, game playing is never a good thing to do in these circumstances.

healthybychristmas · 09/03/2025 17:20

I'm so sorry, what a bastard he is to both of you.

healthybychristmas · 09/03/2025 17:20

ExtraOnions · 09/03/2025 09:03

He might not have only met her tonight, but seeing her for a few weeks
She may well have been over previously when you weren’t there
You have had friends over yourself
You are separated … he may well have forgotten you were even there.

Why did you get up up take a look ?

You need to change your living situation.

Why wouldn't she get up?!

JustWalkingTheDogs · 09/03/2025 17:33

Yes he does own half the house, but so do you op and he was being eye wateringly disrespectful towards you.

BetterDeadThanRed · 09/03/2025 18:54

Don't see the problem. You're divorcing, he owns half of the house, he can date and can bring home/fuck whomever he wants to. And (obviously) so can you. You're not his wife anymore, not the sole owner of the house and you can't 'kick him out' either, if he refuses to leave. Grit your teeth and wait for the house to sell.

helpfulperson · 09/03/2025 19:03

I think it is telling that you use the term DH not ex in your title. It sounds like he has made the mental shift to not being partners and you are still struggling with it.

I would focus on getting the house sold and moving onto a new home as quickly as possible.

ItGhoul · 09/03/2025 19:04

Very shitty behaviour on his part, not just to you but also to the poor woman he brought home. He has zero respect for either of you, by the sound of it. Perfectly reasonable for him to date and/or have one night stands but he needs to stay over with them, not bring them back to the house he shares with his former partner ffs.

Simplynotsimple · 09/03/2025 19:04

BetterDeadThanRed · 09/03/2025 18:54

Don't see the problem. You're divorcing, he owns half of the house, he can date and can bring home/fuck whomever he wants to. And (obviously) so can you. You're not his wife anymore, not the sole owner of the house and you can't 'kick him out' either, if he refuses to leave. Grit your teeth and wait for the house to sell.

So you’d be ok hearing your very recent ex (who you’re currently forced to share a living space with and already have negative feelings about), drunkenly crash into the house at 2am with a strange woman, then further have to possibly listen to him have sex with her? Considering he absolutely brought this woman into the house to ‘make a point’ rather than dating (as he said, she wasn’t even from the area) and how unfair he was to the woman herself using her like that, evidently there is a problem with how this man conducts himself and treats women.

It’s a clear case of ‘just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should’. Same would go for the op if she was asking if it was ok to bring around a random shag into the house she still has to share with her ex until it’s sold.

Hugattack · 09/03/2025 19:05

FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 09:39

He got through the door 20 minutes ago out a taxi and seemed a bit drunk still. He walked into the kitchen where I was and asked why I’m jealous of him moving on which I said I’m not but didn’t appreciate him disrespecting me like that in my own home.

He said he owns half the house so can do what he wants but ‘no need to worry as she was only in the area for one night so won’t be seeing her again’. And he said he will give me advance notice next time to which I told him to off and he went upstairs.

Assuming she was in a hotel I don’t know why they didn’t just go there to begin with!

I think he’s trying to “win” the break up. It seems he thinks he’s doing “better” than you because he is “already” having drunken one night stands (ps was she really in the area for one night or was that just what she said to never to have to see him again?).

Uberella · 09/03/2025 19:10

Bringing someone honest to shag whilst living under the same roof as your estranged spouse is beyond disrespectful unless it's someone both parties have readily agreed to.

No woman with any sort of self respect would agree to go home with a man who was still living with his stbexw knowing she was in the house at the time.

If he's going to sleeping with new women then he can do it elsewhere and he doesn't need to rub it in OP's face.

Missj25 · 09/03/2025 19:54

There’s this thing called RESPECT..
look it up RedHekenB , and few more idiots that jumped on the band wagon after you with unhelpful, uninsightful posts ! !

OP , that would be upsetting for anyone , what a dick thing to do … Hope you’re doing ok x

Confusedmeanderings · 10/03/2025 01:25

That's shocking OP, really disrespectful.

Lornacranium · 10/03/2025 18:04

Crass of him.

MustWeDoThis · 10/03/2025 18:25

FlyAway25 · 09/03/2025 08:11

I have had an absolute night of it…apologies if the below is long winded.

DH and I are in the process of separating. Decision was made just after Christmas with that being the final straw.

DH moved into spare room which is on the top floor of the house, so between being up there and working away fairly regularly (one of our issues), we have managed not to see much of each other and the house is in the process of being sold (luckily we had an offer at asking price within a week of it being listed).

DH has been seeing his friends more regularly and staying out later if he goes out on a Friday or Saturday.

I knew he was going out last night and I was woken by him crashing in at gone 2am. This would usually annoy me but I can go back to sleep easy enough.

I then heard what sounded like heels walking on our wooden hallway floor downstairs. I immediately got up out of bed looked downstairs and DH had a woman with him. She looked a bit worse for wear and as soon as she saw me, she turned to DH and said something along the lies of ‘you didn’t tell me about her’, said ‘I’m so sorry’ to me and immediately left the house with DH following after her.

He didn’t return after this and still isn’t home now, so I can only assume they went back to hers instead.

I know we are in the process of separating but AIBU to suggest that it is completely disrespectful for him to bring someone home whilst we are still under the same roof?

I live nearly 2 hours from my parents and my job is here so moving out isn’t an option. DH has some family near but his argument has been that he’s away working so much it makes no sense for him to move out for the sake of a few months. I want him gone after this.

I would change the locks while he's gone.

TheTavern · 10/03/2025 18:36

What an absolute sh*t. I hope your house sells quickly without a hitch and you can find someone else in time.
I also hope that in the cold light of day he realises how horrible he has been.

asrl78 · 10/03/2025 19:40

madamweb · 09/03/2025 08:23

I mean he can, technically. But he has to be ok with op doing the same.

And I can't imagine there are many women who have so little respect for others that they would be happy to shag a man while his ex wife was in the house

Show quote history

To quote the OP: "she turned to DH and said something along the lies of ‘you didn’t tell me about her’, said ‘I’m so sorry’ to me and immediately left the house"

It appears the other woman didn't know about the "ex wife" before going back to his place so she is not to blame. If I were to ask a woman out on a date and she accepts, I would expect her to be single and to have told me if she is in a relationship, I would not expect to have to jump through hoops trying to find out that information myself.

Lollipop81 · 10/03/2025 19:47

Just wow what an arsehole. So you’ve been separated for 2 months and he can’t understand the problem. I hope the house sale goes through quickly, I can only think he wants to make you jealous as I can see no other reason why he would bring a woman back to the house.

Poopants1000 · 10/03/2025 19:49

I'm glad you have enough respect for yourself to see that this IS NOT OK!
You are still married but according to others on here, as long as he pays half the mortgage he gets to option to piss on your from a great height!
There is absolutely no way anyone should ever feel small or insignificant enough to accept this.
Had you of agreed to this being no problem as 2 adults prior to this then fine, but this is just him trying to punish you.

beAsensible1 · 10/03/2025 19:54

I get why you’re upset, but I think it’s just a bit of an awkward situation. I think as adults sharing a house have some ground rules, but if you’re both seeing other people it’s realistic your going to have people over.

I think it’s fine to say not when the other person is In but I imagine you are always in and he always isn’t that rule isnt really fair.

i think the most reasonable thing is a heads up so you can close you door or go out if you want. But him telling you to scarper because he wants a date night wouldn’t be reasonable either. There’s no perfect solution and the only way to figure it is probably an awkward conversation neither of you is interested in having

BruFord · 10/03/2025 19:59

I agree with PP’s that it was very disrespectful to you and the women he brought home. She was clearly shocked as well.

Let’s hope the sale progresses quickly. 🤞

caffelattetogo · 10/03/2025 20:00

I'd do it straight back and see how he likes it. If I didn't want to do the sex bit I'd just get a male friend over, bounce on the bed and have a big laugh at him!

caffelattetogo · 10/03/2025 20:00

You could have a lot of fun with this!