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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He gives me the ick

183 replies

Doubleunders · 09/03/2025 07:15

I’ve been dating a guy that I met through OLD on and off for 8 months, he’s wonderful and amazing and we could have an amazing life together but I just can’t shake this feeling that he gives me the ick, massively.
He’s so kind and generous and totally in love with me and I can’t put my finger on the issue and I’ve tried so hard to get over this feeling but we’re meant to be spending the day together today and all I can think is dread that he’s going to come to my house and going to want to sleep with me, the thought is filling me with dread. The day out is going to be fun and I love his company, but the chemistry part, that was there at the start seems to have gone. He does some things that really bug me and although I’ve brought them up before, he stops for a while but is starting again.

For example, I’m 37 and he’s 43 and when we go out in public, for dinner etc he tries to full on kiss me at the table, he strokes my face and hair, not a gentle stroke but it’s like a full hand sliding down my face and ruining my make up, it makes me physically recoil!
we went out to the cinema the other night and I said I was just going to get up to use the ladies half way through the film and he came with me and waited outside the toilets for me, I felt like a child.

Is this the sign that I need to break up with him or can I get over the ick?! I would love to stay friends but I tried that before in December but he doesn’t want to do that and would rather go no contact.
is it kinder to just end the relationship?

OP posts:
CunningLinguist1 · 09/03/2025 10:23

Doubleunders · 09/03/2025 07:59

He is the sweetest, kindest, most generous man, he’s really not got a bad bone in his body.
I did try to end it a while ago though, when he got jealous over some PT sessions I was having with a guy, where he wanted me to drop into conversation things like ‘my boyfriend has those trainers, that watch’ kind of thing. I felt like he basically would like me to walk around with a t shirt saying I was taken.

Show quote history

TBH, he just sounds a bit insecure and immature. In his next endeavors he needs to relax a little & believe in all the good things about himself.

Flamingoknees · 09/03/2025 10:26

curtaintwitcher78 · 09/03/2025 08:02

Your ick is your instincts telling you he's a fucking nutjob. Men who act like this early on end up being possessive and controlling later on.

Yes, yes, yes!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He is NOT sweet. He will be controlling and possessive in the future.
This kind of behaviour can seem flattering at first but the red flags are slapping you in the face OP.
🏃🏃🏃

Legoninjago1 · 09/03/2025 10:28

Run for the hills!!

Imbusytodaysorry · 09/03/2025 10:29

AutumnFroglets · 09/03/2025 09:52

His behaviour isn’t controlling or possessive I don’t feel,

Unfortunately you aren't seeing what the rest of us are seeing. This is why you really must do the Freedom Programme as you are the perfect candidate to be controlled and abused in future relationships and you are walking right now into a situation where you WILL be abused. It's already started.

Wake up.

Exactly how abusers get away with it.

MaryQueenofDots · 09/03/2025 10:31

Thank god he lives an hour away and not ten minutes!

How has he responded to you cancelling your plans today?

DarkMagicStars · 09/03/2025 10:31

You can’t continue to spare his feelings. You need to put your own above his.

Flamingoknees · 09/03/2025 10:35

There's been a face stroking thread in the last 2 weeks or so. What has started this odd behaviour I wonder?

TheLargestToblerone · 09/03/2025 10:36

You are not going to dump him because you don't want to hurt his feelings. Does that mean that you are just going to be with him forever or until he dumps you so he doesn't get hurt? You must know that is madness, so presumably you are putting off the inevitable because you find the idea of his whining and guilt tripping almost as bad as sleeping with him. He will get worse the longer it goes on. You are already dreading sex with him. You have described some really creepy behaviour from him. You have asked him not to stroke your face and kiss you at dinner, but he has continued to do it. Why are you so okay with putting his feelings ahead of your own?

Simplynotsimple · 09/03/2025 10:36

Doubleunders · 09/03/2025 09:45

I don’t want to hurt his feelings, that sounds pretty pathetic of me.
His behaviour isn’t controlling or possessive I don’t feel, it’s more like a puppy dog following me around feeling I get from him.
I cancelled seeing him for the 2 weeks because I just couldn’t face it, I know I hurt his feelings there and I’m not being fair on him.
I have cancelled today and I will speak with him properly later on this evening.

He is 100% controlling and possessive. He’s in stage one, but already shown massive scary potential for being abusive with the control regarding the whole PT situation. He’s been love bombing you as well. Your whole nervous system is screaming at you that he’s not good but you’re listening to your inbuilt social conditioning that it’s your job as a woman to ‘be kind’ instead of protecting yourself.

AmIthatSpringy · 09/03/2025 10:37

I get the ick just from reading about him

He's not in the least bit sweet.

The13thFairy · 09/03/2025 10:41

PsychoHotSauce · 09/03/2025 07:31

I also noticed in the cinema, that he wasn’t watching the film but just staring at me!

Urrrrghhhhhhhhhhh.

Does he watch you while you sleep?

CrystalMighty · 09/03/2025 10:45

Please, dump him. Today.

I say this as someone who has/(had) the equivalent but as a 'friend', not boyfriend.

In many ways it's easier to dump and be final with a boyfriend/partner.

Don't be me, who, 9 years later is still trying to shake off the creepy bastard.

TinyMouseTheatre · 09/03/2025 10:45

Abd why you'd gave sex with a man just because he expects it is beyond my understanding, especially with a fairly new relationship and when you don't live with him.

The more you say about him the more I don't understand why you've stayed with him this long.

InSpainTheRain · 09/03/2025 10:46

Why on earth are you seeing someone that gives you the ick? You can be nice about it, but just dump him and move on! If you are dreading seeing someone that is obviously no basis for a relationship. He isn't going to be your friend he wants something more - you don't. Both of those things are fine but they are not compatible.

MarioJumbo · 09/03/2025 10:46

OP - so - from what you’ve said - you’re only with him because last December when you tried to end it, he said he’d rather go Jo contact than be friends? ….ok….

If it’s any consolation I was in a bigger mess than you cuz I stayed for 7 YEARS with someone like this

Im sure you’re wiser than this OP ..

Runningoutofpatiencefucksandmoney · 09/03/2025 10:47

I haven't read through the thread, apologies. But your very first post screamed lovebombing at me. Sorry if I'm repeating what everybody else has said, but this is how my ex bf was with me at the start. He changed. Typical narc behaviour

LovelyLeitrim · 09/03/2025 10:47

Doubleunders · 09/03/2025 09:45

I don’t want to hurt his feelings, that sounds pretty pathetic of me.
His behaviour isn’t controlling or possessive I don’t feel, it’s more like a puppy dog following me around feeling I get from him.
I cancelled seeing him for the 2 weeks because I just couldn’t face it, I know I hurt his feelings there and I’m not being fair on him.
I have cancelled today and I will speak with him properly later on this evening.

You’ll hurt his feelings more, the longer it goes on.

End it now.

TinyMouseTheatre · 09/03/2025 10:48

Runningoutofpatiencefucksandmoney · 09/03/2025 10:47

I haven't read through the thread, apologies. But your very first post screamed lovebombing at me. Sorry if I'm repeating what everybody else has said, but this is how my ex bf was with me at the start. He changed. Typical narc behaviour

Yes. Op should listen to Love Bombed on BBC Sounds.

MarioJumbo · 09/03/2025 10:48

Chachacha25 · 09/03/2025 09:00

You are allowed to end it you know?

Make a decision and stick to it. Beware though as he will react badly - begging and pleading and then likely to get nasty so have a plan. Don’t meet as friends or just to listen to him.

I recognised the type when a pp above said he was false.

He does sound gross 🤮

Yes - begging - pleading - nasty

EXACTLY what my vile ex did !!

Original poster
Doubleunders · 09/03/2025 10:52

The13thFairy · 09/03/2025 10:41

Does he watch you while you sleep?

Show quote history

Yes!! I caught him doing it once in the middle of the night, stood next to the bed just staring at me!

OP posts:
LovelyLeitrim · 09/03/2025 10:52

Doubleunders · 09/03/2025 10:52

Yes!! I caught him doing it once in the middle of the night, stood next to the bed just staring at me!

Show quote history

Oh god! 😧

littleteapot86 · 09/03/2025 10:55

This thread is freaking me out OP. Take care of yourself.

MarioJumbo · 09/03/2025 10:56

Daleksatemyshed · 09/03/2025 07:54

Thinking on it Op, it's his age that's the real problem. If you were both 17 this might seem quite sweet, but from a grown man of 43 it's way over the top and a bit childish.

I disagree

To me this would not seem sweet if you were both 17!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/03/2025 10:58

You can end it with someone because you don't like their hat. Hell, you don't even have to HAVE a reason, you have free will and can end any relationship at any time you want.

IDoLikeToBeByTheSea · 09/03/2025 10:58

Oh OP, sorry to be blunt but wake the F up. He isn’t the sweetest guy, you couldn’t have a wonderful life together- he is possessive, he is controlling. You need to be very clear when ending it with him that there is no hope of getting back together, because I bet he will start showing up to places you go or to your home

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