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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He gives me the ick

183 replies

Doubleunders · 09/03/2025 07:15

I’ve been dating a guy that I met through OLD on and off for 8 months, he’s wonderful and amazing and we could have an amazing life together but I just can’t shake this feeling that he gives me the ick, massively.
He’s so kind and generous and totally in love with me and I can’t put my finger on the issue and I’ve tried so hard to get over this feeling but we’re meant to be spending the day together today and all I can think is dread that he’s going to come to my house and going to want to sleep with me, the thought is filling me with dread. The day out is going to be fun and I love his company, but the chemistry part, that was there at the start seems to have gone. He does some things that really bug me and although I’ve brought them up before, he stops for a while but is starting again.

For example, I’m 37 and he’s 43 and when we go out in public, for dinner etc he tries to full on kiss me at the table, he strokes my face and hair, not a gentle stroke but it’s like a full hand sliding down my face and ruining my make up, it makes me physically recoil!
we went out to the cinema the other night and I said I was just going to get up to use the ladies half way through the film and he came with me and waited outside the toilets for me, I felt like a child.

Is this the sign that I need to break up with him or can I get over the ick?! I would love to stay friends but I tried that before in December but he doesn’t want to do that and would rather go no contact.
is it kinder to just end the relationship?

OP posts:
Qwee · 09/03/2025 09:13

There is nothing kind or sweet about him.

Needy, creepy, controlling.🤢🤮

DahliaBlooming · 09/03/2025 09:17

🚩🚩

juststrutting · 09/03/2025 09:18

Nope. It's the end

NameChanges123 · 09/03/2025 09:18

I've got third-party ick here just reading about it.

I think you need to end it. His behaviour is way way WAY too much.

TheLargestToblerone · 09/03/2025 09:19

he’s going to come to my house and going to want to sleep with me

Oh god, please don't have expectation sex, or pity sex. If you don't want to sleep with him, do not sleep with him. He doesn't sound sweet and kind at all, he sounds possessive, wildly insecure and controlling. You know it's over, so cancel today and tell him it's over. He's not going to go easily, so brace yourself for some limpet removal.

Nothatgingerpirate · 09/03/2025 09:29

Ugh.
🤢

Alwaystired23 · 09/03/2025 09:32

Tell him today it's over.

RedHelenB · 09/03/2025 09:32

You're being really unfair on him by being so dishonest. End it.

PurplePianist · 09/03/2025 09:38

What you've described makes me a bit scared for you if you do continue the relationship. Following you to wait outside the toilet is not appropriate behaviour. In any case, what do you want? Do you want to stay friends with him or is this more about his feelings. Please put yourself first here.

WisePearlPoet · 09/03/2025 09:39

I don't like this at all, he's making a claim on you but not bothering in between. This man is a predator who would quickly become controlling and coercive. What's his backstory?. He won't have told you the truth, does it have elements of victim in there?

His behaviour isn't normal or rational and walking to the toilet and waiting outside is just creepy and a huge red flag. He isn't affording you privacy or dignity in that situation.

You can surely do better than this. I might consider that during the two week gap, there's possibly another partner there. It seems as though he can only give you full attention when he is with you, to keep you on the hook until next time.

Mirabai · 09/03/2025 09:44

He sounds really weird to me.

Original poster
Doubleunders · 09/03/2025 09:45

I don’t want to hurt his feelings, that sounds pretty pathetic of me.
His behaviour isn’t controlling or possessive I don’t feel, it’s more like a puppy dog following me around feeling I get from him.
I cancelled seeing him for the 2 weeks because I just couldn’t face it, I know I hurt his feelings there and I’m not being fair on him.
I have cancelled today and I will speak with him properly later on this evening.

OP posts:
Chachacha25 · 09/03/2025 09:50

Well you are going to have to hurt his feelings. If you end a relationship that is going to happen. What about your feelings? You can’t live in dread of sex. It’s actually unfair on him if you stay in the relationship when you don’t want to be with him.

AutumnFroglets · 09/03/2025 09:52

His behaviour isn’t controlling or possessive I don’t feel,

Unfortunately you aren't seeing what the rest of us are seeing. This is why you really must do the Freedom Programme as you are the perfect candidate to be controlled and abused in future relationships and you are walking right now into a situation where you WILL be abused. It's already started.

Wake up.

PsychoHotSauce · 09/03/2025 09:53

Doubleunders · 09/03/2025 09:45

I don’t want to hurt his feelings, that sounds pretty pathetic of me.
His behaviour isn’t controlling or possessive I don’t feel, it’s more like a puppy dog following me around feeling I get from him.
I cancelled seeing him for the 2 weeks because I just couldn’t face it, I know I hurt his feelings there and I’m not being fair on him.
I have cancelled today and I will speak with him properly later on this evening.

Coercive control doesn't have to be aggressive or angry. It's actually easier to manipulate women with 'I'm so nice, please don't hurt my feelings' because we're so socialised to be kind.

I know you remain unconvinced, but I would advise you to test this out. Cancel on him, a couple of times in a row. Duck his calls a few times. Be unavailable for a bit longer than usual. Watch his reaction. My guess is he will whine, express severe 'anxiety' that you're 'pulling away/losing interest', and become even more clingy. He may even ask outright if you're seeing someone else.

You've asked advice here, and there are women who know this behaviour. Don't ignore it. If you don't believe it yet, don't carry on blindly - test it. The manipulation will be so obvious once you do.

Wolfhat · 09/03/2025 09:53

People saying end it are correct. I don't think there is any coming back from this.

I will say, when you mention he is sweet and kind, I think sometimes very nice but socially awkward men get sucked into social media tips on dating that turn them from a genuine guy into a walking red flag. I had a friend from uni who was just the nicest guy. Very shy, a little socially awkward but once you knew him, he was always there for you, very respectful, intelligent, funny etc.

He got a great job where he travelled a lot and as he hit 30, his goal had always been to have a family so he stayed in one place. OLD as everyone knows is a hellscape with sporadic wandering angels. He really struggled and went down a dating tips rabbit hole where self-proclaimed dating experts said nonsense. Note, he never went down the bully and degrade them to make them want you. More, women love it when they catch you staring lovingly at you, don't reserve intimate touch for sex instead make connection part of the day to day, spontaneous presents and bold gestures.

Some of which is true but when its done as a check list becomes sociopathic. Luckily he has enough people around him to put an end to it and he has now found his person. But if someone is really lovely but doing something odd, it could be insecurity and bad advice.

I cannot judge, the nonsense I swallowed from cosmo in the day still haunts me 🙃

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/03/2025 10:00

It’s not nice to be the reason someone is upset but what’s the solution?

all I can think is dread that he’s going to come to my house and going to want to sleep with me, the thought is filling me with dread.

read this back and tell us how you think there can possibly be any conclusion to this that isn’t…. You dump him!

it’s not nice op but you gave no choice. He’ll be fine.

Duckswaddle · 09/03/2025 10:03

He’s obviously controlling - you’ve bloody said so yourself on your examples. Wake up woman.
Just end it, it’s really not a difficult decision to make.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/03/2025 10:04

Duckswaddle · 09/03/2025 10:03

He’s obviously controlling - you’ve bloody said so yourself on your examples. Wake up woman.
Just end it, it’s really not a difficult decision to make.

Yep.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/03/2025 10:12

Doubleunders · 09/03/2025 09:45

I don’t want to hurt his feelings, that sounds pretty pathetic of me.
His behaviour isn’t controlling or possessive I don’t feel, it’s more like a puppy dog following me around feeling I get from him.
I cancelled seeing him for the 2 weeks because I just couldn’t face it, I know I hurt his feelings there and I’m not being fair on him.
I have cancelled today and I will speak with him properly later on this evening.

You have only been together for 8 months, on and off and you have every right to end the relationship if it isn't working for you.

I agree with the posters who think that he is being controlling and possessive. He is almost 'marking his territory' with the remark that you should say something like 'my boyfriend has got those trainers' to your PT. Wanting to parade you round a restaurant to show you off to the other diners is actually crazy. What on earth would the other diners think?

Your feelings are as important as his. No doubt he will try and guilt trip you to try and stop you ending the relationship but you should be firm, while remaining polite.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/03/2025 10:13

@Doubleunders he probably escorted you to the toilets to make sure you didnt run out on him!! the stroking of the face all the time would drive me nuts!

NotOnThe · 09/03/2025 10:14

Oh no. Yuck. Yuck yuck

SnoopysHoose · 09/03/2025 10:15

He's a twat, he basically marking his territory, have you never said don't do that? to any of the face stroking etc?
Anyhoo, just bin him off

gannett · 09/03/2025 10:16

OP your biggest issue is that you feel this is such a dilemma you have to ask the internet about it.

You find him needy and suffocating (with a lot of justification) and you hate it when he touches you.

You've only been casually dating for eight months so it's not like your lives are meaningfully intertwined or there's any sunk cost fallacy.

Why on earth would you feel you had to continue seeing him?

BluebellCrocus · 09/03/2025 10:20

Of course end it. It's been 8 months. You're not going to suddenly grow to like him.

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