AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

[spottedinthewild]

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

I'm a solo mum by choice, it's really not hard. I think it'll be harder to be with someone who doesn't want to parent, as your expecting them to help so makes it harder if they don't. When you go into parenthood on your own, you know its all on you. I've now got two children, 3 years and nearly 3 months, currently on maternity leave.

If you'd like to learn about how being donor conceived and/or having a solo parent impacts children, I recommend any of the research carried out by the Donor Conception Network and the books "We Are Family" by Susan Golombok and "Raising Boys Without Men" by Peggy Drexler. I think it's important to speak from a place of knowledge and education on these issues not just make sweeping assumptions

He doesn't want a child. If you do, then you leave.

Definitely do it. Not getting what you want out of a relationship will kill it stone dead anyway. You have to make yourself happy - nobody else is going to do it.

That’s fine as long as you know the reality of what you’re getting into. It will be very, very hard. Worth it of course, but hard.

This is one of the things that keeps occurring to me, what if my dream of children doesn't work out.

@spottedinthewild was his previous partner/wife much older than him? sorry, but getting confused because you say you go together in your 20's but has has an adult step daughter! he cant have been with her mother very long even though she sees him as her dad?

I am sometimes annoyed by the way parenting is often reduced to wiping up poo and vomit. That's two years of parenting at the most. That's the easiest bit!
In your place, OP, I would leave and find someone else.

My Ds is now almost 20yo.

i was in a relationship with his dad for years before we decided to have a child together

lazy fucker did nothing to help parent his son and in some occasions actively made my life harder than it needed to be.

its hard at times, but if you go into this knowing its on you, and potentially only you, your head is in a different place.

@spottedinthewild you absolutely can do this!

go ahead with the sperm donor option asap if that’s what you want and your DH can decide to get on the bus or get out of your way.

part of me would be raging at your dh if he were mine, so you raise someone else’s kid, but you won’t have one with me.

honestly, that bloke has issues. You’re best off out of it tbh.

The timing is really confusing - I'm glad it's not just me!

@LionME I am adopted, so I know what it is like to not know what your genetic background is. The rules were changed around adoption as it was known to have an impact on children not knowing their birth parents. The rules were then changed about sperm donors as again it is now known the impact that can have on resultant children (no more students popping down to the sperm bank to booster their funds)

The OP is all about her desire to have a child and what it is like to be a single parent. Not one thought about what it might be like for a child created by sperm donor

I think you’re going to resent your husband if you remain childless with him until it’s too late. And I’d be worried about his attitude —- how come his medical “ knowledge” out ranks that of a consultant? He’s not being honest about why he doesn’t want children.

My best mates sister was 39, single and wanting children so went through IVF (2 rounds - pretty bloody gruelling especially being on her own) but now has a 2 year old daughter who is absolute light of her life. I don’t know her well so 2nd hand knowledge but from what I’ve heard….. she has a strong local network of friends a couple of which are single and childless who have been invaluable support - physically being there to drive her to the hospital when she was in labour, stay over if she was struggling, babysitting and meal making. Her sister (my mate) lived a bit further away and had her own family to look after but in the first 3-4 months would go and stay with her one night a week most weeks and was on the phone to her A LOT. Initially going back to work was tough (at 7 months so quite early) and juggling was hard but actually once they’d settled into a routine life did then get much easier and she started to enjoy being a mum a bit more. I’m not sure when or how long for exactly but I know she paid for a night nanny at some point around going back to work when neither were sleeping much and also had someone every other day for the first few weeks and has a cleaner so I assume financially is pretty secure (& job would suggest decent income)

sorry long ramble but in summary, go for it but make sure you’ve got a good reliable support network behind you and ideally sufficient funds to bring in help when needed. On the flip side, I have a friend now in her 50’s who stayed with her husband in similar circumstances to you but he left her 2 years ago and has since had a baby with his mistress - she is broken as you can imagine so please don’t be that person.

Not nuts at all

i was married. Had lots of private costly ivf and 5th round finally worked and have mini blondes who is my world !!

she is almost 8

last year I became a single parent - his actions but my choice and to say I’ve had enough

I didn’t expect to be a single parent
and yes it’s bloody hard work

but she is my world and I have no regrets about having her and every single day even now I count my blessings that I’m a mum v some friends who aren’t mums and wanted to be and now in mid 40’s it’s too late for them

a lot of woffle but trying to say I thought I would be happily married for years and dd living with both parents - but hasn’t ended that way

so do it alone. Ivf or iui or sd May not work - hopefully it will

You will have regrets if don’t try

I have been in a kinda similar situation to you, but I was much older and had my child in my 40's. The only regret I have is that I wish I made the decision in my 30's. Single parenting is very hard, the sheer exhaustion of having to do absolutely everything by yourself from night feeds to cooking and cleaning and making all the decisions by yourself. To begin with I was paralysed with fear when it came to making some decisions because I was so scared of making wrong decisions. The things that have made the difference for me is that I bought my own home before i had my child, have a stable career with a good income, have a wonderful village that has stepped in when I've been too ill to care for my child. I've also become very very organised and just do the best I can. I haven't regretted having my child!, even though it is very challenging. I've reasoned that you choose your hard. I know that I would have been filled with so much regret had I not tried to become a mother, I would have become incredibly bitter and angry so I choose the hard single parent road instead. My child is a joy, has challenges but had made life for me and my extended family so much more joyful. I'm happy to discuss more with you, although I can't seem to PM at the minute. Good luck OP

@Gerwurtztraminer Some very valid points. I became a single mother when my children were very young and if it wasn’t for the fact my ex earned a lot of money, so I had a very good maintenance, I honestly don’t know how I would have coped. I didn’t need to work which was just as well as my first attempts were a logistical nightmare. I did go back to work when youngest started seniors but had I not had the luxury to be a stahm I just don’t know how I would have managed financially (not a high earner myself) or timewise. Unless you have an amazing support network single parenting is exhausting, it’s 24/7. I had minimal as my mum couldn’t cope with looking after youngsters and their dad lived abroad for a fair chunk of their childhood (and nowhere near us even when in the UK).

One of the hardest things is when you're worried about them (because they're ill or maybe they are out too late when older) and you have no one to help absorb that worry or keep you calm, that was (still is) one of the hardest aspects of single parenting for me, worrying all by yourself.

Do you have wider family who would be there to support you? There are all sorts of potential problems, practical as well as the mental load of single parenthood. (Imagine yourself with really debilitating flu or norovirus. Who would look after your active toddler?)

But despite all that, if it was me I don’t think the longing would go away. I don’t think childcare of your SD's children would assuage the longing.

Perhaps your DH doesn’t realise the intensity or seriousness of your feelings. If you told him the choice was you getting pregnant with his child or you leaving him and using a sperm bank, I wonder what he would say.

This is weird and creepy. You are only 34, you can't redirect your desire to have children to someone else having them and meeting your needs vicariously. Focus on the situation you are in and don't view others as unwitting players in your dilemma.

OP, it seems to me that you are determined to go ahead with your plan and are mainly looking for affirmation, not honesty.

Who do you have IRL that you can trust and that you respect to talk about all of this with?

Why on earth is it weird and creepy to want to be an active grand-parent?

If I were in your position, I’d leave and start dating. Being a single parent is far more challenging than you might expect - it can be incredibly lonely without someone to share the special parenting moments with or to vent to during the tough times. I absolutely love being a mum, but there were moments when I felt trapped, especially with small babies. There’s no easy way to step out for a breather, whether that’s a quick run, a gym session, or whatever helps you unwind.

I know many people complain about online dating, but it’s genuinely how most people connect these days. Before meeting my boyfriend, I went on dates with some great men. I did come across quite a few who were looking for marriage and starting a family, which wasn’t what I wanted. The key is to be selective and clear about your intentions from the start.

That longing will never go away. The resentment would only build and build.

Because you're 34 and want a baby of your own. And really you wouldn't even be a step-grandparent, he would be the step-grandparent.

I agree, preferring adoption seems unusual

That is not the same thing. I am the child of a single parent. It was never the plan for my mum and things happen, but I can’t say that it’s the life I would’ve chosen for myself. My mum is amazing and whilst i am overall fine, it has had an impact on me. I understand you want a child, but the first thing about being a parent is putting your child first. Would this really be fair on them? I think adoption would be an absolutely amazing thing to do and would urge you to consider that instead.