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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why are (some specifically mine) men like this?

285 replies

TakingBackSunday · 09/03/2025 00:52

DH has gone out tonight okay fine, asked me to drop him off but forgot to tell me about the football match so spent 40 minutes in traffic with two kids ... fine whatever, he could have gotten a taxi tho 🙄

Refused to take the keys because he'd be back at 12 (been out since 5) as he knows I can't go to bed without locking the door as I don't feel safe sleeping with two kids and the door unlocked.

Hasn't messaged me since 10pm

Wonder when he'll get home .. wonder when I'll get to go to bed.

Bet he expects me to get up with them tomorrow as well Hmm

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 09/03/2025 08:26

why if this has happened before (and anyway) you not insist he took keys?

I nag my teens to always take a key when they go out of the house, even when others are in, it’s just routine & sensible.

Notsosure1 · 09/03/2025 08:27

MagnusCanis · 09/03/2025 01:45

The only reason I can think of for not taking keys is, he's worried about losing them... but good grief, it really isn't difficult not to. I never (deliberately) leave the house without mine.

Yes and I bet he manages NOT to lose his phone or wallet

ThankULord · 09/03/2025 08:27

OP, if there is a next time, you don't need to hand him his keys. You arenot his mother.
You just need to inform him of the situation.

You just tell him ' take your keys'.
If he says, no.
You respond with, ' you will need them to get in because I will be locking up when i go to bed. Please remember to be quiet when you get home'.
That's all.

And follow through.
Lock up and go to bed.

Are you expected to get up this morning, be with the children and not be grumpy or falling asleep while watching them after a night of very little sleep? But he can't get up and be with them because he will be grumpy and falling asleep while watching them because he has a hangover?

Is there a reason you can't see how unequal your situation is?

Starseeking · 09/03/2025 08:28

Told you he'd be back by midnight, but actually came home at 2.30am...and presumably he is still asleep while you sort out the DC.

He is selfish and controlling.

And far from not too bad, he sounds awful.

NeedToChangeName · 09/03/2025 08:28

Depressing to see so many people blaming OP for her partner's poor behaviour. I'd regard this as controlling behaviour (by her partner) and victim blaming (by some of MN)

It's easy to say "just go to bed and don't answer the door". But, if he's banging on the front door at 2am disturbing all the neighbours, it's not easy to ignore it and pretend to be asleep

OP, he's showing you who he is. Pay attention. At best, he's a selfish AH. At worst, he's controlling. What advice would you offer to a friend in your situation?

madamweb · 09/03/2025 08:28

Get a key safe. Or tell him you are locking up at X o clock.
Why on earth are you putting up with it?
And if he wants a night out he can get a bus or an Uber surely!

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/03/2025 08:29

TakingBackSunday · 09/03/2025 02:26

I got a notification that an Ubers been booked so he's on his way back then I can get some sleep before little one wakes up.

Key safe might be a good idea but you're right next time he takes keys or I'm locking up at the time he'd say he'd be home 😴

You won’t though, otherwise you would have done that at 1am today rather than waiting up until almost 3am… and then getting up with the kids. I’d be going out once he wakes up

Createausername1970 · 09/03/2025 08:29

What is done is done. But I would be have a conversation along the lines that none of this selfish, childish, stupidity is happening again.

He sorts out his own lift/Uber to get where he is going and you will be locking the door at a sensible bed time so he either needs to take keys or get a key safe fitted.

ChickenLittlesCat · 09/03/2025 08:31

thislifer · 09/03/2025 01:10

Yes. Then find doormat partners.

Show quote history

Yes, it's really the fault of women that men are shit.

That's why women do most of the work at home, because the men keep us in line.

5128gap · 09/03/2025 08:34

Halloumiheaven · 09/03/2025 01:05

Usually been bought up by pandying mothers...

Useful inconsiderate father more likely. The biggest influence on men is other men.

ChickenLittlesCat · 09/03/2025 08:34

I hope you wake his ass up to deal with the kids op and get s lay in after a late night.

LovelyLeitrim · 09/03/2025 08:34

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/03/2025 08:29

You won’t though, otherwise you would have done that at 1am today rather than waiting up until almost 3am… and then getting up with the kids. I’d be going out once he wakes up

Show quote history

Exactly this!

so you’ve got 3-4 hours sleep and he thinks that’s ok and you think he’s “not too bad”.

I would be fuming that my Sunday was ruined with tiredness, because my selfish “D”H wouldn’t take his keys, nor come home at the agreed time because he didn’t take his keys.

So, you’re up looking after DC, because he’s hungover and incapable as you’ve stated.

Will you make the selfish bastard dinner today as well?

Honestly, this is such selfish behaviour and you’re so accepting with “next time” what you’re going to do.

There wouldn’t be a bloody next time, if he tried to pull that stunt again.

And in answer to your question, no not all men are selfish and unable to take keys with them when they go out.

LovelyLeitrim · 09/03/2025 08:36

ChickenLittlesCat · 09/03/2025 08:34

I hope you wake his ass up to deal with the kids op and get s lay in after a late night.

OP has already confirmed he won’t be doing it, because he won’t be capable, so more trouble than it’s worth!

You couldn’t make it up!

LovelyLeitrim · 09/03/2025 08:37

5128gap · 09/03/2025 08:34

Useful inconsiderate father more likely. The biggest influence on men is other men.

Show quote history

Which is what OPs children are seeing right now and think is “normal” and so it continues…

Trumptonagain · 09/03/2025 08:37

The very fact that by not taking a key and telling me he'd be back by midnight would have me telling him if by midnight he means back 2 hours before midnight fine I'll stay up to let him in but if he's expecting me to wait up until midnight, then some, no absolutely not, key or sleep in the shed.

HunterAngel · 09/03/2025 08:37

That’s so selfish. If my DH tried this he’d be sleeping on the front lawn, I certainly wouldn’t be waiting up to let him in! Get a key safe and don’t wait for him to wander back home at some ungodly hour. In fact I’d be tempted to go one step further and install a lock on the bedroom door, make him sleep on the sofa

Bjorkdidit · 09/03/2025 08:38

Createausername1970 · 09/03/2025 08:29

What is done is done. But I would be have a conversation along the lines that none of this selfish, childish, stupidity is happening again.

He sorts out his own lift/Uber to get where he is going and you will be locking the door at a sensible bed time so he either needs to take keys or get a key safe fitted.

This.

How often do you go out and get shitfaced, without a key so DH has to wait up and then get up with DC while you laze in bed to sleep off your hangover?

I'm guessing never. Or at least he's done it way more than you have.

LochKatrine · 09/03/2025 08:40

LovelyLeitrim · 09/03/2025 08:37

Which is what OPs children are seeing right now and think is “normal” and so it continues…

Show quote history

Yes, that's the cycle

Pigeonqueen · 09/03/2025 08:41

Weirdly enough I know quite a few men (not my dh thankfully) who seem to do this not taking their key thing. My now ex fil is one of them, never ever takes a key and expects mil to be at home to let him in. It’s definitely a control thing. Makes me so angry.

notatinydancer · 09/03/2025 08:42

RobinHeartella · 09/03/2025 08:09

Do you only have one set of keys between you? Get a second set cut and that will solve this problem I think

She's explained a few times, he's got keys. He wouldn't take them out with him because he's an arsehole who expects her to wait up for him.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/03/2025 08:42

If he does this every six months fair enough but I bet it's not. I never leave the house without my door keys but then I don't come home pissed at 2 in the morning either.

Porcuporpoise · 09/03/2025 08:42

ChickenLittlesCat · 09/03/2025 08:31

Yes, it's really the fault of women that men are shit.

That's why women do most of the work at home, because the men keep us in line.

Show quote history

No woman has to be in a relationship with a shit man or put up with a man's shit. Because, contrary to common belief, not all men are like this and being single is better than being with one who is.

OP this is madness. Stand up for yourself.

WaterMonkey · 09/03/2025 08:43

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/03/2025 07:42

I may be jumping to ridiculous conclusions , but exh refused to carry keys. It was part of a pattern of controlling behaviour , he just wanted me to be available to do things for him at all times. It seems ridiculous now , but I actually stopped taking the kids out in the afternoon so that I could let him in to the house. Hopefully this isn't the case for you but it's something to consider.

This was my immediate thought. It’s controlling as hell.

Porcuporpoise · 09/03/2025 08:44

Daleksatemyshed · 09/03/2025 08:42

If he does this every six months fair enough but I bet it's not. I never leave the house without my door keys but then I don't come home pissed at 2 in the morning either.

Fine every 6 months? It's not even fine once.

TheMorels · 09/03/2025 08:46

So, because he’s a selfish arsehole, you had to stay up till at least 2.30am.

I’m often staggered at the very low bar women set themselves on here.