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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why are (some specifically mine) men like this?

285 replies

TakingBackSunday · 09/03/2025 00:52

DH has gone out tonight okay fine, asked me to drop him off but forgot to tell me about the football match so spent 40 minutes in traffic with two kids ... fine whatever, he could have gotten a taxi tho 🙄

Refused to take the keys because he'd be back at 12 (been out since 5) as he knows I can't go to bed without locking the door as I don't feel safe sleeping with two kids and the door unlocked.

Hasn't messaged me since 10pm

Wonder when he'll get home .. wonder when I'll get to go to bed.

Bet he expects me to get up with them tomorrow as well Hmm

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2025 08:01

This is crazy levels of selfishness.I can't see it being a one off - this particular scenario might be, but selfishness is a character trait.
From your title and first response it's clear your expectations of men are lower than what you would expect of women. That is what it is I guess, so my advice is to try to teach your children that women are actually equal to men, not below them, even if that's what your role modelling as parents.

plsd · 09/03/2025 08:01

Bluenotgreen · 09/03/2025 07:38

Another one here who doesn’t understand the keys thing.

You leave home, you take your fucking keys.

I don't understand the "I offered him keys" part. Does he not just have his own set that he automatically takes every time he leaves the house?

What does he do day to day? Or is there an expectation that you'll always be home when he gets back after work etc?

Me and exH always had our own set and it was obvious who's was who's from key rings etc. if either of us was going out we wouldn't even ask about keys as it was assumed we each had our own so the other person was free to do their own thing

Summerhillsquare · 09/03/2025 08:01

OrdinaryO888 · 09/03/2025 03:44

In my experience the opposite is true!

Many men like to move around completely unhampered by anything and it’s women who walk about piled up with kids backpacks and bags of shopping, while their dhs swans about with nothing but a backward glance!

When I used to work in an office, it was obvious when it came to the end of the day how the blokes used to tidy their desks briefly, put their coats on, and were gone. Whereas the women, collected the food shopping they had done at lunch time from the fridge, or they were burdened with the clothes or a birthday present they had bought for their dc, or a friend of their dc, or they had their toddlers’ nappy bag with them en route to pick them up.

Men seem to very easily drop in and out of family life at will, whereas women never seem to be able to be completely free of it!

Show quote history

Exactly. It's a control thing. World should revolve around him and op should facilitate his requirements. Which she has.

ShyTealBiscuit · 09/03/2025 08:06

I think that this is very controlling behaviour. He obviously thinks that he gets to decide what time you go to bed. What if you'd have wanted to go to bed at 10pm? Why does he get to to say that you can wait up for him until 12? Which then turned into much later anyway.

If my dh refused to take his keys on a night out then firstly I'd be flabbergasted as to why on earth he would do that. Then I would say something like "oh, where are you sleeping then? Because I'm not waiting up for you and the door will be locked." Then he'd realise he was being illogical and take his bloody keys. If he continued to refuse to take them then I would be seriously questioning his motives.

Your dh's behaviour is so completely unacceptable but you say "he's not that bad". Be careful here OP, it sounds like you can't see the wood for the trees.

socks1107 · 09/03/2025 08:07

It's a control thing. So he knows where you'll be when he wants you.
My ex dh used to do this

RobinHeartella · 09/03/2025 08:09

Do you only have one set of keys between you? Get a second set cut and that will solve this problem I think

Vettrianofan · 09/03/2025 08:10

GarlicStyle · 09/03/2025 01:07

You really need to get another set of keys cut.

More like another man!

Keiththecatwithamagichat · 09/03/2025 08:11

Hope you got some sleep. When he's up and awake you need to tell him about himself.

Redpeach · 09/03/2025 08:11

God, he's so selfish, from the getting a lift - to the key thing and then the crazy late night, the key thing is nuts

LochKatrine · 09/03/2025 08:11

TakingBackSunday · 09/03/2025 01:55

He's actually not that bad.

I'm just pissed off and tired, he won't get up with the kids cos he'll be hung over, tired whatever and if he does get up with them he'll just be miserable and probably fall asleep watching them so it's better I get up but it's just really frustrating and it could have been solved if he either took the keys when I gave them to him or come home at 12 like agreed.

He is that bad. Stop kidding yourself.

Whatatodo79 · 09/03/2025 08:12

Try 'don't be such a jerk, take the keys, i'm going to bed as am up with the kids in the morning, bye'

Imbusytodaysorry · 09/03/2025 08:12

@TakingBackSunday so you have the kids all weekend .
What plans do you have for next weekend op.
Are you going out Saturday to a spa and overnight.
Is then arrive home Sunday once everything had been dealt with that day too .
I enable you could possibly come home and parent as you are too hungover.

Do you actulay you out ? Maybe he needs to realise and grow up .
I couldn’t put up with this .

LochKatrine · 09/03/2025 08:13

Poonu · 09/03/2025 07:50

"He's actually not that bad"

Why don't you raise your bar and expect better? Get some self respect before your children start thinking your doormat behaviour is normal and repeating it.

Exactly this. Seriously, raise your standards and expectations.

Imbusytodaysorry · 09/03/2025 08:14

socks1107 · 09/03/2025 08:07

It's a control thing. So he knows where you'll be when he wants you.
My ex dh used to do this

I was thinking this too.
He isn’t home and still controlling the home .
He wants his dw up when he gets home so he won’t take a key and she will have to wait up .
All kinds of horrible and selfish.

Vettrianofan · 09/03/2025 08:14

So...this is how I would do it. DH would be told to make his own way there and back and quietly using his own key let himself in. I would go to bed when it suits me. I don't pander to others (male or female).

DH doesn't go out much and he can't stand football so it's never likely to happen.

crumblingschools · 09/03/2025 08:14

It would never occur to me to ask DH whether he had his keys as he would have them on him, so I wouldn’t have to stay up to let him in, and vice versa

hettie · 09/03/2025 08:16

Why are "they" like this? "They" are not your dh is. Why? Because (and sorry to be harsh here) you facilitate it. You gave him a lift, you got up in the middle of the night to let him in, you let him lie in.... You don't say, "if you don't take your keys you'll be locked out and I won't let you in and if you make a racket the neighbours will call the police". You don't say "you need to get a cab", you don't say "you're being selfish", you just let him .....

AlertCat · 09/03/2025 08:18

I have a friend whose DH would come home routinely 20 minutes late. A tiny bit! But she had explained to him over and over that she needed to go to sleep at a certain time (say 12) and if he came in 20 minutes after that it would wake her up at a crucial point in the sleep cycle and leave her unable to sleep for ages.
When he continued to do this, because it was only 20 minutes, eventually she locked their bedroom door when she went to bed at the time she had said, and left a sleeping bag on the sofa for him. It made the point (and history, they’ll still be using it as a Relationship Tale when they’re 80) but theirs is a mutually respectful relationship so after his annoyance, he saw how unreasonable he had been up until then.
is your man likely to see your point or feel hard done by?

IButtleSir · 09/03/2025 08:19

Halloumiheaven · 09/03/2025 01:05

Usually been bought up by pandying mothers...

How have you found a way to blame women for shitty male behaviour?

biscuitsandbooks · 09/03/2025 08:21

socks1107 · 09/03/2025 08:07

It's a control thing. So he knows where you'll be when he wants you.
My ex dh used to do this

Definitely - if he goes out without his keys, and drive him around, he knows where you are and what you're doing.

Men like this like the idea of their wives sitting at home waiting and worrying.

toomuchfaff · 09/03/2025 08:21

He's actually not that bad.

Raise your bar.

LovelyLeitrim · 09/03/2025 08:23

Halloumiheaven · 09/03/2025 01:05

Usually been bought up by pandying mothers...

But their fathers are perfect I suppose?

LochKatrine · 09/03/2025 08:25

LovelyLeitrim · 09/03/2025 08:23

But their fathers are perfect I suppose?

Show quote history

Quite! Always blame a woman.

LovelyLeitrim · 09/03/2025 08:25

Sounds like a teenager!

BellissimoGecko · 09/03/2025 08:25

All of this is ridiculous. An adult man won't take his own house keys when he goes out? Selfish.

He won't get up with the D.C. tomorrow? Then he should have got up with them today.

And you've had to wait up until 2.30? Bonkers.

Next time, he takes keys. Or you lock him out.