Dh’s card said I ‘Kept a perfect home’

[Upanddancingatsixinthemorning]

Aibu to be confused/pissed off by this?

Surprisingly, Dh & Dd made me a card and bought me flowers for International women’s day (we are in another country, generally this happens here) but I’d completely forgotten and wasn’t expecting anything.

In the card, Dh had written thank you for all I do for him and Dd etc and then something about me ‘Keeping a perfect home’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

I work part time as a teacher, do the majority of everything with Dd, plus bills etc, I have a cleaner every fortnight

I just can’t work out this comment, it sounds like something from the 1950’s and isn’t the thing I want to be recognised/appreciated for

Big issues between Dh and I for a while, so maybe i’m pissed off that he can just give something on this day and do mainly sweet FA the rest of the time

I would be over joyed at this, why do people pick at everything these days. What a beautiful card and I'm daily told this by hubby and quite often by our teens and it makes me smile everytime

Do you have kids? Please don’t pass on your deeply ingrained sexist views to them.

My husband and I have both worked full time and shared housework and childcare for 30 years. He is still a man and I am still a woman. Our sons and daughter have seen respectful equality at home. Luckily they don’t see a man cleaning as a ‘feminine’ task 🤢

If he had said perfect HOUSE I could understand you being annoyed. But to me perfect home is a huge compliment. Home to me is where you are happy and comfortable and feel safe and cared for. Its not a physical 'you are great at doing laundry' but more of an environment and a feeling.

So I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this one, although in the long term it is quite telling that YOU are the one creating the home. If you were doing it together and for each kther I suspect you would be feeling less resentful of him right now!

I guess we all have different expectations. I just find competence and self-sufficiency really attractive in a man, and keeping your living space clean is basically adulting 101, surely? I could never respect a man who wilfully left that responsibility to someone else, much less find them sexually attractive. They’re too infantile to me. I think what makes it worse is that every one of these ‘trad’ men I’ve met has also stunk like Bigfoot’s arsehole, because a man who doesn’t take a pride in his living space tends to take little pride in his personal hygiene either. I’ll always remember that we had to actually tell my grandfather to wash once when my grandmother had a stay at hospital - not because he was ill or anything, but because she was the one who kept track of his showers and made sure he took them. This was a man who’d had an illustrious career in local politics, refusing to manage his own personal hygiene. Madness.

Each to their own, I suppose.

Is he trying to acknowledge that the unpaid work you do in the house is valued? If you’re part time and he works full time, then you’re going to do more of the ‘homekeeping’, he’s recognising this and appreciating it.

If you don’t like the division of labour in your home, set about changing it, rather than be upset when you’re thanked.

OP, when the children are not breastfeeding etc, will you be going full time (in a better paying job) so your DH gets a turn at being a SAHP ?

@BridgetJones55 the child is 6 years old
No mention of breastfeeding

This.

Some people aren't happy if they aren't finding fault with everything around them, though.

'Poor sod' can actually do some housework. That would be a nice thing.

He works full time.

Why is everyone missing the point that OP only works PT? Why is that? To do motherly an housewifey things, one would suspect.

Would you choose to be a surgeon and then get upset because someone has complimented you on being a great surgeon? She has OPTED to play wifey while her husband is the breadwinner, but it seems is embarrassed (and that's why she's angry) to have it pointed out.

If it's not the 1950s, then don't act like it is. Go and work full time and share the house workload 50/50.

You’re making a massive assumption here that the discrepancy in hours and income would make up for him doing nothing at all.

Even if that was the case (hours wise) he's still a functioning adult and a parent, with days off and holidays when he can actually do his share.

When I was part time I got home at 3:30 and OH between 5 and 6. At most I had two extra hours (with DD) to do things . Did that mean that OH should've done fuck all ?

Seeing dh carrying a laundry basket upstairs or with his hand in the kitchen sink is a turn on for me, and many women I imagine!

I’ve got a real thing about OH’s forearms when his sleeves are rolled up doing dishes, funnily enough.

No, but if someone works PT vs FT of course they do more to keep the house.

If people don't the profiling of jobs by sex, then don't play into it by working PT as a woman. A teacher Woking PT, isn't likely to get home at 3:30, are they?

OP describes him as doing ‘sweet FA’. That’s not acceptable if they both work. It would scarcely be acceptable if she was a SAHM. There may be pressures on her to work part-time. It certainly doesn’t seem like her husband is the type to adjust his own life to facilitate her move to full-time. Maybe he could pay 50% for professional childcare, cleaning, cooking etc. But I can’t imagine he’d be over the moon about that either. A lot of women get stuck in situations where they can’t work full-time, but still have to work part-time and shoulder all the household chores, life admin etc. It would be disingenuous to suggest we don’t collectively know this to be the case.

And yet OH still cooked,cleaned ,did shopping, took DD out. Even when he had longer hours/commute.When he worked away he did it at the weekend. His dick didn't fall off. He always tried so we didn't have arguments about it. That's being partners rather than flat mates .

A card like that wouldn't bother me because I know it means he's grateful I keep down the fort when he can't(which is fair enough), not because he won't (spoilt man child).

IWD has been around for years, seems like this the 1st time he's recognised it in this way? It may have been encouraged at school? Maybe DD wanted to say nice things and DH has paraphrased (badly)? In Europe kids start school at 6yrs not 4/5yrs like the UK.

NBU. TBH I'd be miffed too. It sounds patronising. Been there. Would much rather DH was present, involved and doing his share, than a spectator offering a thoughtless card on IWD.

I wondered about this myself.

Does he ever get a thanks for being the breadwinner? That's a heavy load to carry on behalf of four or five people.

Thank you for this. Sadly it describes my life perfectly, but I never dared speak up for fear of being labelled or pilloried. I became a SAHM after being a full time professional for 20yrs. DH then buried himself at work 5days/wk, so I became a single wife, he slept in on w/ends because he'd "worked so damn hard all week"!!
The irony was totally lost on him. So bloody self centred.
I was totally trapped, doing 100% of the childcare and absolutely everything else. All school related stuff, uniforms, homework etc, and nurse/maid/chef/vet/ gardener/chauffeur/ mechanic/handyman, as well as supporting him.
His contributions were switching on the dishwasher after he'd eaten his dinner (most of the time he couldn't even do that) and he kept sneakily piling on the tasks.
Whenever I asked for support, like 1 night "off", I was always told "that's just not going to happen". So I stopped asking.
Early 2020 I got covid then had a meltdown with everyone at home 24/7 I was totally burnt out, all while going through menopause with absolutely no support.
We did not survive this. Am solo and much happier.

I’m sorry. That’s awful. I know it’s no consolation, but I personally know several women in the exact same position. It’s depressingly common. It’s all very well telling women to ‘just work full-time, then’, but these remarks rarely come with any helpful suggestions about where the extra childcare/household support is supposed to come from. Let’s be honest, it’s very common for women who do work full-time to be lumbered with all the life admin anyway. It’s all well and good lionising men for being breadwinners, but when push comes to shove I doubt many of them would want to change places with their part-time working or SAH partners. The men who claim it’s easy tend to think that because they do a piss poor job of it when they try.

if he'd said "keeping a perfect HOUSE" it'll have a bit of a meh ring to it' "Home" is where the heart is

Granted & agree. At the time I was thinking about a friend's DH who polishes cutlery & glasses after removing them from the dishwasher & that's just for starters. 😂

I'd take it to mean you made the home warm and comfortable with a happy atmosphere for the people who lived with you and they felt loved and cared for. I'd be very happy with that nice compliment. It doesn't mean you stay home all day cooking and cleaning because obviously you don't.

Great reply but I do have to ask what would be wrong with staying at home all day cooking & cleaning if happy in that role? 😀

Why make an issue....The flowers were a lovely gesture, why would you want to spoil things. Some people are never happy