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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

374 replies

BeCosyFox · 08/03/2025 00:52

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

OP posts:
HappyMummaOfOne · 08/03/2025 08:16

YABVU
You have offered but your daughter has decided it is best for her and her child that they go to nursery. She has her reasons and although you may not understand them those reasons still stand for her.

You mention in one of your responses that with your grandson he would sometimes seek comfort from you rather than his mum….this would be a MASSIVE reason that I would want my child to go to nursery than spend so much time with you. It’s lovely that you have a bond with your grandson but as a mother I would find it extremely upsetting if my child preferred and actively seemed comfort from a grandparent over me. No offence but you had your time raising your kids, let your daughter raise hers how she deems best.

If you don’t want to do wrap around care and pick up from nursery and have the 90mins with your grandchild (rather than the full day you have offered) then don’t, BUT you are cutting your nose to spite your face and I wouldn’t be surprised if this decision then effected your daughters decision to then not use you for any childcare meaning you are then missing out even more on the time with your grandchild than you crave so much.

user9632579 · 08/03/2025 08:16

BeCosyFox · 08/03/2025 01:55

I do think it’s a mix of all the things mentioned that she shares concerns for and uses them as her reasons. She could leave work and she did originally want to and then she got a promotion and doesn’t want to lose her career for the rest of her life and refind her feet once she goes to school. My grandson did often seek comfort from me over mum (other daughter) and she has said she doesn’t want that but I think that’s a little sad, it’s not a bad thing for her to find comfort in me if that was the case. I don’t use much screens or bad food and would follow wishes with this but she says she would rather the activities the nursery provides even if I spend most my day doing things with the grandchildren but I can’t understand why when I would be offering 1-1 activities but she says I would naturally be doing some housework or other things but that’s completely usual, I don’t get the issue there. It seems she is flinging around a lot of factors that don’t hold much weight when she is giving up on a grandparent providing free care, I can’t understand it. I do think 5 days is too much for a small child at nursery too

You don't need to understand it and she doesn't need to explain her reasoning.

She has made a decision about her child.

You can either accept the wrap-around or not. Having said that, if I had read what you'd said on here I wouldn't be allowing even wrap-around. It all sounds very controlling on your part.

PicturePlace · 08/03/2025 08:17

Katypp · 08/03/2025 07:38

OP, this is MN. You are a grandparent. You are always going to be wrong.
Only the parents are allowed 'boundaries' and to do things on their terms.
Your role is to facilitate what THEY want and be grateful that they allow you to see your grandchild at all. As many threads reiterate, you have no rights and you have no idea the right way to bring up children anyway (research innit) and you've had your turn.
Shut up, put up, do as you're told and be grateful, otherwise you may find you won't see your grandchild at all.
Thems the rules. Welcome to the modern (MN) world.

Edited

Well, yes. Why would the grandparents have any say or rights over how parents raise their children? What kind of world are you envisaging?

MyDeftDuck · 08/03/2025 08:18

"My grandson did often seek comfort from me over mum (other daughter) and she has said she doesn’t want that but I think that’s a little sad, it’s not a bad thing for her to find comfort in me if that was the case."

Clearly, your grandson was 'granny-reared' and your daughter does not want that for her own child. Please accept your daughters choice in her child going to nursery, she is the parent, not you.

mumbleberry · 08/03/2025 08:18

BeCosyFox · 08/03/2025 01:55

I do think it’s a mix of all the things mentioned that she shares concerns for and uses them as her reasons. She could leave work and she did originally want to and then she got a promotion and doesn’t want to lose her career for the rest of her life and refind her feet once she goes to school. My grandson did often seek comfort from me over mum (other daughter) and she has said she doesn’t want that but I think that’s a little sad, it’s not a bad thing for her to find comfort in me if that was the case. I don’t use much screens or bad food and would follow wishes with this but she says she would rather the activities the nursery provides even if I spend most my day doing things with the grandchildren but I can’t understand why when I would be offering 1-1 activities but she says I would naturally be doing some housework or other things but that’s completely usual, I don’t get the issue there. It seems she is flinging around a lot of factors that don’t hold much weight when she is giving up on a grandparent providing free care, I can’t understand it. I do think 5 days is too much for a small child at nursery too

Your whole position is a giant red flag tbh, it's not your decision in any way at all

HelenWheels · 08/03/2025 08:20

just be aware she might change her mind op.
tread carefully but keep offering.
do you not have your other gc now?

PoorLion · 08/03/2025 08:21

I think that you are cutting your nose off to spite your face. In your shoes I would go the wrap around care, collecting from nursery is lovely, also you can help when she is poorly and will love nanna cuddles

florizel13 · 08/03/2025 08:22

I think your daughter's plan is a reasonable one to be honest. She probably wants her daughter to have the benefit of socialising with other children (my daughter feels this way) and they do learn loads at nursery...my granddaughter has come on in leaps and bounds and is very happy there! You'll still get to have fun times with her after nursery, and you won't feel tied down either...win/win! You sound like you have a good relationship with your daughter, don't do anything that might spoil it x

JumpingPumpkin · 08/03/2025 08:23

Whatever reason your daughter has for choosing nursery 5 days a week, it doesn't sound like that's up for debate.

So you can either help afterwards and form a good bond with your granddaughter or say no, which appears to be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Funnywonder · 08/03/2025 08:23

Good grief. You sound very all or nothing. It’s your daughter’s turn to raise children and make the necessary decisions regarding their care. Getting to spend time with your grandchildren is a wonderful bonus that many grandparents don’t get to experience at all due to work commitments/distance/family issues/illness. Your daughter has asked you to provide childcare in a way that fits in with her life. You can say no. But there is disapproval evident in all your posts and I’d be surprised if it isn’t leaking into your interactions with your daughter.

HelenWheels · 08/03/2025 08:23

all this socialising will no doubt cause bugs and you can pick up the slack then in the meantime - she may change her mind in time

user9632579 · 08/03/2025 08:24

thebrowncurlycrown · 08/03/2025 03:23

Judging from your posts, it's quite clear why your DD chose nursery over you.

For real

PicturePlace · 08/03/2025 08:25

There’s an enormous amount of research on this. Look up attachment theory. Best case scenario for a child under 3 is being looked after by its mother or alternatively another family member eg grand parent. Nursery is the worst possible option for a young baby.

Ahem.

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2009/feb/10/grandparents-childcare-pre-school?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other

And

www.familyandchildcaretrust.org/long-term-study-following-4500-children-links-childcare-better-outcomes

Tagyoureit · 08/03/2025 08:25

Maybe from the outside looking in, your dd has seen how looking after your grandson has taken a toll on you and she doesn't want to add to that.
You're getting older, that's a fact, so what if some health issue arises with you and then she is left without child care completely having a knock on effect etc?

Or maybe she thinks her nephew is a spoilt little brat and that you have had a hand in that?

Who knows?

But I do think you're being a bit bratty and spiteful, you want to see your granddaughter but only on your terms?

Wonderwall23 · 08/03/2025 08:25

I think it's very, very good of you to offer so much care, OP and you are going above and beyond what should be expected although that is your choice. I hope she is appreciative in general.

I do think that if you were my Mum I would take your preference into account.

However, it is no one but your daughters call as to whether nursery is the right thing. She has the right to decide, whatever those reasons are. I think you are really overstepping on that. It isn't your call and you aren't the authority on whether nursery is a good or bad thing (and neither is anyone else on this thread...to be honest this comment is aimed more at other posters than you).

If you had logistical reasons, such as no car to pick up or something I would be more on your side because that's actually relevant. Your moral view on nurseries and how your GC should be brought up isn't relevant at all.

Basically I think you are lovely to offer, and that she is entitled to think nursery is the right thing, and both of these things can be true at the same time.

user9632579 · 08/03/2025 08:25

AmusedGoose · 08/03/2025 03:54

Oh you should have posted on grans networks. Mumsnet loves nurseries. Your daughter will pay hundreds of pounds for nursery and GC will be I'll constantly. If she likes the consistency of nursery so much why ask you at all? I think the 3 days wrap around care is a bit disruptive on a very young child. Leave her be she may come round when the reality of nursery sets in. I understand your hurt but young mothers are brainwashed into believing the older generation are practically dangerous to GC. Is it possible she plans to be very restrictive on food, screen time etc? If so you've probably missed a bullet tbh. This way at least your relationship will stay in tact.

Nice ageism

PicturePlace · 08/03/2025 08:26

You clearly have no clue about child development if you think day care is better for a 1 year old.

I'm an academic researcher, and the research says that you're wrong. HTH.

PodgePie · 08/03/2025 08:26

HopingForTheBest25 · 08/03/2025 07:47

"Perhaps the fact you don’t know what either a paragraph or comma are has something to do with it?"
@PodgePie you should be ashamed of yourself for this comment - whether you agree with the OP's stance or not, this was unnecessarily hostile.

OP - I think your DD has given you lots of little reasons which are all contributing to the bigger picture for her. It's probably not a criticism of how you would care for your grandchild, but a genuine mix of wanting to be the primary carer for her own child, the socialisation aspects of nursery, reliability of care if one person at nursery is off sick etc. For me, I found it hard to ask my mum to do babysitting for date nights and weekends, if she'd had my kids during the week, so there might be an element of wanting to ask you for help so she can do 'nice' things and use the nursery option for the essentials.

I do think you'd be bonkers to not do the wrap around care if developing a close relationship with dgd is truly your priority. I do understand the feeling that if you aren't 'good enough' for the 3 days then why should you be good enough for the wrap around, but the bigger picture is that you're giving up an opportunity to bond with dgd. Try to respect that DD's reasons aren't necessarily a personal slight.

Nope, not ashamed. Absolutely nothing wrong in using punctuation & I stand by my comment (if you’d bothered to read it).

PicturePlace · 08/03/2025 08:27

last raised a child in the 80's what sort of comment is that?

What are you objecting to in this?

TheignT · 08/03/2025 08:27

Any scope for a compromise? She still does the 5 days but you pick her up earlier on your 3 available days? She still has her place for those days but you get more time with her, she gets some one to one with gran?

TheignT · 08/03/2025 08:30

PodgePie · 08/03/2025 08:26

Nope, not ashamed. Absolutely nothing wrong in using punctuation & I stand by my comment (if you’d bothered to read it).

Show quote history

It isn't really an issue with a one year old. Perhaps if she was a few years older and gran was helping with homework it might be relevant but lots of totally illiterate people can provide great care and OP clearly isn't illiterate.

CRbear · 08/03/2025 08:30

My mum wanted to do more care than we accepted.

In our case it was because we didn’t want to have to find alternatives when she’s unwell or on holiday. We also want him to get the benefits of spending time with other children, learning about a school setting etc.

We were enthusiastic for her to have him one day and she will take him when nursery won’t (illness etc.). This is incredibly helpful and we’re so appreciative. Perhaps you could compromise on similar?

I think you would be silly to say it’s your way or the highway. You can’t want a relationship with your granddaughter that badly if you’re willing to turn down 1.5hrs a day with her to spite her mum!

Funnywonder · 08/03/2025 08:31

I would just add, DP’s parents were extremely involved with SIL’s children, having them to stay overnight from they were tiny babies, providing daycare, picking up from nursery/school etc. As a result they thought that meant they had a say in all aspects of their grandchildren’s lives. There was a lot of falling out and huffing and puffing if things weren’t done their way or if the grandchildren couldn’t stay one weekend etc. When our children came along, we chose not to let PIL’s look after them because it came with strings that we weren’t prepared to put up with. I’m not saying you are controlling in the same way as them, but you sound far more controlling than is healthy.

HelenWheels · 08/03/2025 08:31

PicturePlace · 08/03/2025 08:27

last raised a child in the 80's what sort of comment is that?

What are you objecting to in this?

it is just so ageist
she is her daughter's mother
and she cared for cousin
what on earth has changed that much?
my own dm looked after mine and i know she would have been hurt if i had made the choice that the daughter has in this scenario.
three pick ups a week is an awful deal to ask
there must be a compromise

ExIssues · 08/03/2025 08:32

TheOriginalEmu · 08/03/2025 02:06

All I read there is valid concerns that you are dismissing. None of which are about you as a person, but just the difference a family member can offer v a nursery. She’s right that you cannot offer the same amount or type of activities as a nursery. Shes allowed to not want her child seeking you out over her. Whether you think 5 days at nursery is too much isn’t relevant because it’s not your child, even the fact you say that is a red flag for because it makes you sound a little bit controlling.

what matters more to you, having your way or spending 3 nice afternoons with your grandchild?

Show quote history

What type of activities do you think a nursery would offer that can't be provided at home? It's just stories, singing, outdoor play, toys, simple crafts. And they very rarely go out anywhere - just cooped up in one room with a small outdoor area.

And if the child is seeking out a grandparent rather than a parent then that shows an attachment (caused by hours and hours of care). The alternative is a variety of nursery workers for them to try to make that bond. Seems a bit mean to the child to protect mums ego in this way