AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

[BeCosyFox]

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

I understand why you’re upset but yes, you are being a bit unreasonable. For starters, most nurseries operate on a minimum of 3 days per week. What would your daughter do if you had an appointment/ got ill? She needs to know that she has got completely reliable childcare. She may also be thinking about the benefits of nursery eg: focus on teaching, interaction with lots of other children which some parents don’t particularly want but others really value. I’m a little surprised she hasn’t suggested 1 day a week for you plus wraparound care (maybe you could suggest this?) but while I’m sure she thinks your offer is very generous, it might just be that it’s not the environment she wants her child to be in. Don’t be petty- in the end it’s only you and your granddaughter who will suffer as a result

Your DGD being with you more rather than in nursery would be so much better for your DGD. Maybe her mum has bought into the whole benefit of children being in nursery benefits them so much fairy story!
Just wait until your DGD keeps being ill, which many nursery children are and then you will be used lots to save your DD being off work..
I think it is wonderful that you want to be so involved and sad your DD can't see the benefit. Personally I would pick your DGD up from nursery and have that time with her (maybe even pick up a little earlier....)

Refusing to help at all just sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Your daughter may change her mind as time passes, so don't opt out now.

@LoveFridaynight yes but as a working mum myself who has been in that situation several times, it’s much easier for me to leave work a hour early as a emergency than to take the whole day off. We don’t know what industry her daughter works in, if she is somewhere that opens to the public, her not turning up to work might be the difference between the company being able to open or not.

"For me, I found it hard to ask my mum to do babysitting for date nights and weekends, if she'd had my kids during the week, so there might be an element of wanting to ask you for help so she can do 'nice' things and use the nursery option for the essentials"

Absolutely this too! My parents had my DC one day a week and in emergencies and I always felt bad asking for other stuff on top.

I agree with this.

We grandparents have to bear in mind we do not hold any of the bargaining chips. The parents are in charge.

So if your daughter wants HER child in nursery, your GD will be in nursery.

Do the before and after care. Do something nice with your GD every day when you pick her up. Park, soft play, swimming, cooking, play dough. Make the most of what you have. Make it so your GD can't WAIT for nanny to pick her up.

It sounds as if you'd lose out on time with your GD just to prove a point to your daughter. Don't play those games, because it'll backfire on you. Forget the power battle and take what you can get with your GD. Plenty of grandparents don't have regular access to their grand children. Appreciate what you have.

Sorry if this has been suggested but is there a compromise - e.g. have her one full day and pick her up the other two?

I do think that just 2 days a week in nursery can be problematic and can make it harder for children to settle. My DD did 4 days in nursery and one day with me, and was also term time only. I do think 5 days in nursery all year around is too much but appreciate some people have no option. It seems a shame though if there is an alternative.

My mum is retired now but we still use wraparound for before and after school as I would hate to have to hang around all day waiting for pick up time. She does do the pick up when I have parents evening etc but that’s not too often as it’s probably annoying for her. She does have DD full days occasionally in the holidays so I can get a break.

I wouldn’t be happy with your DD’s suggestion. Seems a massive inconvenience for you, without the benefit of quality time.

My grandson did often seek comfort from me over mum (other daughter) and she has said she doesn’t want that but I think that’s a little sad, it’s not a bad thing for her to find comfort in me if that was the case.
The fact you can't understand her point here says a lot about you. You're not even trying to understand her, what she wants is unreasonable to you and dismissed without consideration. I wouldn't want to rely on someone who treated me that way. How she wants to parent matters and you should respect that. If I was her and you said all day or nothing I'd take the nothing, I'm not going to let someone manipulate me like that.

It isn't about what you want.

It isn't about what you think is best

Given your comments about child finding comfort in you over their parent I think I would be advising your dd to out her child in nursery full time and not using you for any childcare.

You do realise the child is your daughters and not yours right???

In this case, be the kind grandmother who steps in to take your GC in emergencies if she has to be off nursery for whatever reason. Offer your daughter the help she really needs, not the help you think she should have. Don't use it to prove a point about how this wouldn't have happened if they were looked after by Granny - because I get the feeling from your posts that's exactly what would happen

If your daughter wants nursery for her child, that's her decision. Of course you'll get a few naysayers who like to make out that nursery isn't good for kids and that they're always better being looked after by granny but best ignore them.

I think this is quite simple. If you don't want to do the pick up and wrap around care because it's very restrictive to have to plan 3 days a week to be there in time for nursery ending, then fine; that's reasonable.

If you're just being spiteful and saying you won't do wraparound care because you want your grandchild the whole day then you're being unreasonable and unhealthily possessive.

Let the child's parents decide what they want for her. Then agree or don't agree to do whatever childcare remains, but don't use it as some sort of blackmail - that's a disgusting attitude to have about grandchildren

It sounds to me that your are domineering, its your way or the highway.
She is probably right.
But anyway, off you go & sulk, don't help at all, don't get to a build a close relationship with GC, moan to your friends. That will sort it all out.

There’s an enormous amount of research on this. Look up attachment theory. Best case scenario for a child under 3 is being looked after by its mother or alternatively another family member eg grand parent. Nursery is the worst possible option for a young baby.

You are the human embodiment of the phrase, "Cutting off your nose to spite your face."

Your choice is between looking after you granddaughter some of the time, and having a lovely relationship with her, or none of the time, and having a strained relationship with your daughter and a limited relationship with your granddaughter as a result. Choose wisely- you'll be the one living with the consequences.

i agree there will be plenty of times when she wont be able to go to nursery and you can step up

Sorry I’ve not read the full thread but I understand you are hurt and we’re probably looking forward to this.

Could you ask for a compromise, maybe wrap around for 2 days and 1 full day?

I wonder if she’s a bit sensitive about going back to work 5 days and almost feels that you’d be getting more time with baby than her?

I've just posted on another thread that I'm petty AF but you take the cake @BeCosyFox!

You can't get what you want so you're not prepared to help at all? She's offered for you to look after your grandchild, which she doesn't have to do as arrangements are in place, but because it's not how you want things to be you've gone full Pingu?

Spaghetti play can be fun but a 1 year old doesn’t need it. If the choice is between spaghetti play and one to one care by a loving grandparent I know which one I would choose.

God what a horrible post. I'd have given anything to have a mum like the OP. It's absolutely amazing to have a GP who you a) trust to look after your child (I don't sadly) and b) who would be happy to have her GC at home with her anytime. What a lovely family set up.

OP some people are weird online, they use the anonymity to be nasty so ignore posts like that one.

You sound absolutely lovely and I personally think your daughter has gotten used to being as lucky as she is and is taking you for granted. I can understand if she thinks the nursery set up is vital for the child's social development, so I get that, but that needs to be clearly communicated with you, if that's the case. You also have a life so of you have a preference for how you provide free childcare then I think that needs to be respected!

Again, wish I'd had one of you when our kids were little - we had zero childcare apart from the extremely rare occasions we paid for it.

Just because they have training doesn't necessarily mean they care well for your child.Plus this is the Op's mother okay some mothers are awful, but Op seems careing.Of course trained nursery staff are not better normsly than a nice caring grandma offering 1 to 1 care.

Totally disagree. Why on earth would a granny with no training be better than people whose job is dedicated to caring for and educating children? That's mad! It's not about being "nice", it's about understanding child psychology and development, and structuring activities around these things. Someone who last raised a child in the 80s? No thanks.

5 days a week is also a lot for your grand daughter- would seem better to have three in nursery and two with you.

Ha ha ha! Really! No training? She had children of her own and provided childcare recently for another grandchild.

Yes, I don't know what's confusing you. She doesn't have training. She has some experience in raising children (~40 years ago) and minding her other grandkid. I'd say she hasn't the first clue about child psychology or development.

You clearly have no clue about child development if you think day care is better for a 1 year old. Those “dedicated” carers are mostly young girls who have gone into childcare for the lack of other job opportunities.

She wants control over he daughter which is reasonable. You also want control over the whole situation, which explains somewhat why your dd is so concerned with keeping control as the parent.

she is her daughter's mother obviously
also had another gc she looked after.
last raised a child in the 80's what sort of comment is that?

gobsmacking!