AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

[BeCosyFox]

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

I haven't read the full thread as it's quite long now but she may want her in nursery now to secure a place. Since the funding increases have come in, it is becoming much more difficult to get childcare places.
If you suddenly became unwell and couldn't look after your GD then your DD would be put in a very difficult position.

I had a situation with my MiL which caused me massive issues as she looked after my DD one day a week then just kept saying she was too tired or made other plans then told me the night before she wasn't available and it took 3 months to be able to increase her hours at nursery and this was 5 years ago before all of this extra funding.

Is it possible things weren't quite as rosy as you are making out when looking after your GS and your DD has made this decision based on that?

I think this is the crux of it. She has watched her nephew get very close to you and come to you for comfort over his mother. That may seem fine to you but could be quite hurtful to the mother. This is your DD's child and she doesn't want you stepping in to parent mode, or being treated as the go-to person, when she's around. You need to be a bit more self aware and behave less like a tantruming toddler. If you turned to me and said it's either full days or nothing then I'd feel justified in making the nursery decision.

For the record, nursery 5 days per week won't harm the child. One of mine went from 9 months when I had to return to work and she's now a very confident, outgoing, caring young woman. Put aside this "she'll be better with me" nonsense. That's just you wanting to relive the mummy stage through your DGD.

Oh yes, OP's so "wonderful" that if she doesn't get her way she won't provide any childcare support at all. Very mature - not.

Is it because she doesn't want your granddaughter to lose her full five days allocated for nursery? If they don't get used they might get given to another child?

OP, this is MN. You are a grandparent. You are always going to be wrong.
Only the parents are allowed 'boundaries' and to do things on their terms.
Your role is to facilitate what THEY want and be grateful that they allow you to see your grandchild at all. As many threads reiterate, you have no rights and you have no idea the right way to bring up children anyway (research innit) and you've had your turn.
Shut up, put up, do as you're told and be grateful, otherwise you may find you won't see your grandchild at all.
Thems the rules. Welcome to the modern (MN) world.

I did all that and more with my kids so imagine I'd do it with any grandchildren too. It's great fun!

Exactly. Manipulation and narcissism in full swing.

I think it's fairly obvious why she wants to use nursery and I think she's very sensible. She hasn't even gone back to work yet and already you're using her child as a bargaining chip to get your own way. You're apparently desperate to spend time with this child, but only if it's completely on your terms. You're not interested in helping, you just want to get your way. The wraparound care she's asking for is the help she needs but you won't do that. Of course she doesn't trust you! Your goodwill and desire to "help" is purely based on her doing what you want. She can't rely on you.

I was never in a position to have grandparents look after my son as they don't live near us. However I watch my friend who relies solely on her parents for childcare, struggling to get cover when her parents are ill, on holiday, have just decided to have a day out etc. She is also held at random almost, she has to let them parent her children their way otherwise they get upset and threaten to withdraw childcare so they have to go along with what the grandparents say for fear of losing their childcare.

My child is choosing more days at nursery for DGS than I would choose. Like you, I would prefer it if this was less and he was at home more, and like you I am willing to provide care. But, and its a huge but, its absolutely not my place to say this to anyone except here anonymously, because he is not my child and its not my decision. My child has their reasons, which are nothing to do with the care I provide, but are about wanting DGS to benefit from the nursery environment. I too will be doing some pick ups and there is no way I'd refuse on the basis its 'not enough'. I do it to help and accept the best way to help is to do what yours asked, not what you want if the two things differ. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Respect your DDs rights to choose for her child and don't make things unpleasant.

I get why you're sad, but realistically it's her choice and there are various reasons why it might suit her better. Maybe you can just reflect on how lucky you were to have that time with your other grandchild?

I agree with this though

it’s fairly inconvenient to have to be hanging around all day just for an hour and a half of care, it’s not like you get to have a lovely fun day with your granddaughter

Will you have your DGD at your house or hers? I think that makes a big difference. I love having my DGD at my home. It's just not the same if at my daughter's when I occasionally do an after school pick up for a similar amount of time.

Surely though you are just cutting off your nose to spite your face. You would still see your grandaughter on three days of the week and would have them for an hour and a half each day. That sounds lovely to me. You just seem offended that she wants to use nursery. If you refuse, you will see even less of your grandaughter and you will damage your relationship with your daughter.

Me and my husband made the same choice as your daughter. It was nothing personal against the grandparent who offered childcare, we just felt we wanted our daughter to go to nursery for multiple reasons.

I understand you’re hurt and wanted that bond with your granddaughter, but unless it’s really an inconvenience (and then you’d be well within your rights to say no), then it would only hurt you to not spend that time with your granddaughter after nursery. Your daughter is only doing what she feels is best. Parenting is hard!

i would be disappointed as well op
can you perhaps have one full day?
have a chat

Could you discuss a compromise with your daughter - maybe you doing 1 day a week of childcare and the wraparound care on the others? It seems that you're more interested in what you want (filling the gap left now your other GC's gone to school) than what your daughter has decided is best for HER child. Yes, your offer is kind and seems to offer a lot of benefits but it's still your daughter's decision, and she's decided she wants nursery care.

While having family members provide childcare can be great in many ways (mainly financial!) it does come with disadvantages. What's your daughter supposed to do if you go on holiday or have hospital appointments etc? What if you're unwell one day or God forbid have a big change in your circumstances? One of my best friends had arranged for her IL's to have her DC for 3 days a week when she went back to work. 2 weeks before she was due to start, her MIL was diagnosed with cancer and could obviously no longer offer any childcare at all. What if your daughter isn't happy with aspects of what you do with her child? It's very hard to approach that with your free childcare provider without looking ungrateful!

Yes, that's a lot of what-ifs, but I have seen every single one of them happen with either myself or friends. Respect your daughter's decision even if you don't agree and don't refuse to do pickups and give up that time with your GC (unless it's truly a massive inconvenience for you) just because you're not getting want you want.

YABU. I had a similar conversation with my mum after having DS (now 10). I asked her what would happen when she went on holiday or was ill and she naively said well you would just take a day off work or get an extra nursery day. Nope I can't do that. So she agreed that maybe it wouldn't work but we compromised at 1 day a week. Which to be clear, was still a juggle when she wasn't able to do it. Then she did the same for DD.
Not very MN I know but I wanted them in nursery. Nursery was brilliant for my 2 and it meant they didn't go to school hiding under my coat-tails and crying for days. They were used to different adults and had independence.
Kids are now 8 and 10 and she'll collect from school now and again and have occasionally at weekends. She's mid 70s so I'm careful not to ask too much.
This isn't about you.

My dgd spends 4 days in nursery and then we have her on a Friday. We are also available for emergencies. We love having her but it is tiring. Dgd loves her nursery and it’s a good experience for her. She then gets time with us. Time goes so fast so I would say make the most of it, they’re not small for long and if you want a good relationship you’ll be supportive of your daughter.

OP look I'm going to be blunt.
Going back into your career after having a baby is really tough, you need to mitigate all risks to avoid being judged.

You are that risk. If y out are ill, on holiday, have an accident I could go on.

She is doing the right thing to ensure consistent care for her DC.

She is lucky that you offered but she is making the right decision for her. And it doesn't matter that you did this before, she is not the same as your other DC.

Your support in that is more important than your feelings.

It’s your DD’s choice at the end of the day but I do see doing wraparound care as being a bit of tie on your days off. Three days a week is also a big commitment for you anyway.

Personally, I think a mix of the two is perfect home and nursery. Could you perhaps suggest looking after grandchild one day a week? That would save your DD money and perhaps she could reduce her hours to leave work early on nursery days.

I do think going to nursery fulltime is a lot, but I do think nursery is great. My DS benefited massively from going for part of the week. They did lots of things I wouldn’t have done at home. It has made him very sociable and able to cope with new situations.

You'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face. And also you'd likely damage your relationship with your daughter in the process.

I agree with you op. Having to restrict your choices in what you do on you day off so you just have a sleepy grouchy grandchild for 90 minutes is not good, a compromise like you have 2 full days plus pick up from nursery occasionally would be fairer on you, it seems your daughter is using you as a last resort which is unfair. No small child needs full time

"Perhaps the fact you don’t know what either a paragraph or comma are has something to do with it?"
@PodgePie you should be ashamed of yourself for this comment - whether you agree with the OP's stance or not, this was unnecessarily hostile.

OP - I think your DD has given you lots of little reasons which are all contributing to the bigger picture for her. It's probably not a criticism of how you would care for your grandchild, but a genuine mix of wanting to be the primary carer for her own child, the socialisation aspects of nursery, reliability of care if one person at nursery is off sick etc. For me, I found it hard to ask my mum to do babysitting for date nights and weekends, if she'd had my kids during the week, so there might be an element of wanting to ask you for help so she can do 'nice' things and use the nursery option for the essentials.

I do think you'd be bonkers to not do the wrap around care if developing a close relationship with dgd is truly your priority. I do understand the feeling that if you aren't 'good enough' for the 3 days then why should you be good enough for the wrap around, but the bigger picture is that you're giving up an opportunity to bond with dgd. Try to respect that DD's reasons aren't necessarily a personal slight.

Your reaction is pretty telling of why your daughter has suggested this arrangement instead of full days. The spiteful "well I won't do anything if it's not exactly what I want". And of course you can make plans for the day around the shorter time you have GD, other posters are being ridiculous.

The fact is is that family care is often more awkward than professional. People like you get resentful and you'll no doubt remind your daughter of all the time you spend looking after GD when you have a tiff.

When you looked after your other grandchild for 5 days a week, did you refuse to follow any instructions/preferences from their parents and insisted on doing things your way? There must be a reason why she thinks she needs more control.

I can see why you're disappointed, but I can also see why DD went for nursery - 3 days a week childcare is a lot for you even if you really want to do it.

Would she be open to paying for the 3 days but you having DGC one of the days instead, but keeping the nursery place for back up ?

Even if not you could make nursery pick up really special. Have relaxing time together with DGD and give her lovely snacks/dinner.

I don't think it's about you, it's probably around having concrete plans in place for childcare.