AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

[BeCosyFox]

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

Just because they have training doesn't necessarily mean they care well for your child.Plus this is the Op's mother okay some mothers are awful, but Op seems careing.Of course trained nursery staff are not better normsly than a nice caring grandma offering 1 to 1 care.
The child is one year old...There's a lot of justification on here not all 1 year olds like being in nursery.

Agree. Which then makes me wonder if time with the OP's granddaughter isn't really that important to her, that she would choose nothing over something.

If the nursery is very popular, they might only take children full time.

I feel like a reasonable compromise could be to send the child to nursery 4 consecutive days so she has that continuity, and then let her spend one day with you.

Ha ha ha! Really! No training? She had children of her own and provided childcare recently for another grandchild. I think you are kidding yourself if you think your one year old baby is better cared for, loved and stimulated in nursery that one to one with grandma.

That would be be enormously restrictive for you all your days off are fucked as u have to be back for pickup

If she takes you up on your offer then she becomes reliant on you to be able to work and it puts you in control over her family. For example you could say that you'll stop childcare if she doesn't come round for Sunday lunch every week or if she doesn't let you tag along on the family holiday.

A really interesting point, especially considering that is the kind of move the OP is already playing.

Just another perspective here: I never gave my mum child care days over nursery because it meant I would have had to do it for my mother in law and THAT I could not face… any possibility of that?

Also for the preschool year, I want my children to be used to it, in preparation for school so it’s about socialising etc for me at this point

also the ‘in control’ aspect could well mean not having to worry about if you are on holiday or unwell or your car breaks down etc?

It’s the complete opposite-1 to 1 care from a loving grandparent is far more superior than nursery cafe for a child that age.

What are you basing that on? Not research, that's for sure.

I disagree. My two were at nursery by 1 and absolutely loved it. The activities were tremendous and they had great relationships with their key worker. There is no way that PIL would have provided all that. Messy painting and spaghetti play? Huge amounts of junk modelling? Sensory room? Not a chance.

I would also have had serious concerns over safety as well - particularly the placing of hot drinks on coffee tables and questions about whether car seats were really necessary on short journeys. And yes, Nan knows best - would have been a huge issue for me. There would have been friction over potty training in particular.

I think this is what your daughter should do

^

But it's not my business how the child is brought up, neither is it your business, OP

Either do what daughter wants or refuse. You can't control the situation

I’m with you OP. My own Mum was a SAHM, but I spent deal of time with my maternal grandparents at weekends, during school holidays and even lived with them for 6 weeks whilst my Mum was in hospital. I had an amazing relationship with them, they were like second parents to me. This comes from spending a lot of time together from birth. I never went Nursery, and if my Mum had needed to work I would have been with my GPs, which would have been my preference too.

I am now a SAHM myself, using Nursery for 3 hours a day from term after 3rd birthday for both mine. Should I have needed to work, my first choice would have been my own wonderful mother to care for my children. There is nobody I would trust or prefer more to care for my children, especially when they were babies/toddlers. My Mum spends both her days off with us during the week and regularly babysits overnight when my husband and I have date nights/social occasions/weddings etc. They actually sometimes stay at Mum’s when we don’t have plans, as they are building the same beautiful relationship I had with my own GPs. The love, bond and sheer delight in each other’s company between them cannot be replicated by paid professionals.

So I understand your hurt, and think you are wonderful for wanting to prioritise time building your relationship with your GC.

I was thinking so thing similar. She wants to remain the default parent and doesn’t want you to have such a say in the child’s life, for whatever reason. Maybe she fears you’ll bring up baby your way, not hers, not respect boundaries, be interfering, etc

You never ‘gave’ your mum childcare.. surely she would be the one doing the giving.

This isn't about you, it isn't really about your DD, it is about what is best for your grand daughter.

She is going to have 3 half days at nursery with professionals caring for her and lots of other children to play with.

Then she is going to have a great time with her grandmother.

As I’ve just posted above, I disagree. Hot drinks left around - huge problem for me at PILs. One of my friends’ DC was scalded by coffee at grandmas. My friend was so upset with her mum who had basically just dismissed her requests for hot drinks not to be on low tables near her toddler.
I know another family where there were arguments over food safety - over cutting up grapes. Granny thought it was ridiculous. Many mums know they are going to face trouble with their DMs or MILs over these issues.

I watched my 15 month hurry across the room into the arms of his former key worker who had come back for a visit. He absolutely adored her and she had taken much better care of him with her training, including paediatric first aid - when she was there than his DGM ever could have.

?..am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother..

The child id not your daughter. She is the child of your daughter and her partner. Only wanting to deliver/provide care when you want to, not wanting to do the hours determined by the child's parent, is both immature and unfair. Can't you see that?
Just because they chose a certain way to care for child 1, doesn't mean that has to be the same for child 2.
You've raised your children, you've been involved in 2 dgc full time, so how much more do you want? Yes, to you it might may financial sense to notxhave the child in nursery, but it id theirchoice for their child.
please don't be childish enough to whine to your dd that it isn't fair, and that if you can't do what you want you won't do anythinng.

@BeCosyFox So it's your way or no way OP? I think it's very foolish that you would even consider punishing your DD because she won't do what you want - you could end up with no relationship with your DGD (and your DD) at all. Do you really want to take this risk?
PPs have suggested many reasons why your DD wants your DGD to be in nursery five days per week (which is no reflection on you and the care you would give her) e.g. regular routine, play activities, opportunity to socialise with other children as she grows older within the nursery group. Also, having formal, reliable childcare is essential for working parents - one of the nursery staff could be sick one day, which wouldn't be the end of the world, but if you were that could really put your DD in a hole.
Honestly OP, I would not make this a hill to die on - I think you would really regret it.
Do you think your DD would be looking to you to have your DGD more as she gets older e.g. during school holidays?

It's her child she makes the decisions for herself and the baby.
You decide if you'll do wraparound care as she's asked.
It's quite simple.

“It seems she is flinging around a lot of factors that don’t hold much weight when she is giving up on a grandparent providing free care, I can’t understand it.”

Shaking my head at this. I can see why she doesn’t want her child with you that much, I wouldn’t either. It’s not your child, and not up to you as to what “holds much weight”. If you always make everything about yourself it’s easy to see why she wants a bit of distance. My child has been in nursery since he was quite young and for so many reasons it’s done wonders for him, and much of that would not be replicated at home with a grandparent.
People have given you plenty of reasons why this works for her - as the parent - and you’ve instantly dismissed it because you think you know better. I’m glad she is sticking to her guns on what she feels is best for her child.

You have to remember that a lot of nurseries are over subscribed especially since the government introduced free hours from 9 months. This might be the only chance your daughter has at getting her child a nursery place and keeping it. From my own experience I work 3 days a week, I had childcare from each set of grandparents on one day each and the other day I had to send to nursery. My nursery would only accept 2 ‘sessions’ minimum which at the time meant he had to go over 2 days - 1 full (as we needed it) and 1 half day as it was the minimum. Since the government introduced the new funding that changed to a minimum of 2 full days a week which meant we had to shift childcare around.

If you had her child the full 3 days, when your granddaughter gets to 3 years old and needs to go to nursery to help prepare her for school, places will be offered to existing customers first. I have seen so many people asking for places on local Facebook groups and all the nurseries are full so they can’t get them in anywhere.

Your daughter sounds like she has her head switched on, probably from speaking with friends and colleagues and I think she is doing the right thing for her and your granddaughter. I don’t think it has anything to do with her trust of you. If she didn’t trust you, she wouldn’t want you to have her at all.

My MIL picked my son up on his half day as that was the only day she could do and she never had an issue with only having him a few hours. My son loved it and he loves my PIL just as much as my parents who had him the full day. 18 months later when he turned 3 and I wanted to increase his hours to start to prepare him for being away from us 5 days a week at school, they couldn’t accommodate a full day on the day my MIL had him, so I gave up one of ‘my days’ and she now has him all day. This also might be the case for your daughter when the time comes.

If you burn your bridges now, she won’t think of you in the future.

I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that
You're right, it ISNT a give and take situation. It’s a parent makes the decisions situation. You’re making it all about you, and your comment about not wanting to do what your DD asked if you can’t have your own way is quite frankly childish.

This is also my thought. I wouldn’t push your daughter harder, she’s told you the arrangement she prefers. Forcing her to bend won’t end well for either of you.

If you genuinely want to help out and see you DGD you’ll take her offer of after nursery care 3 days a week.

If you’d rather be put out you didn’t get your own way, then don’t do anything to help to make a point.

Longer term you may regret the later.

I can’t help but read the comment about all your friends and the way the previous grandchild ran to you and think the truth is your pride is hurt she’s rejected your offer. Will you feel embarrassed telling your friends you’re “just” wraparound care for this grandchild?

You say you love your DGC and it’s a priority for you to spend time with them? Yes?

So the fact you would be so spiteful as to see your beloved DGC less often than you could, just because you’re miffed, gives some insight as to why your DD has made this decision.

You would cut your nose off to spite your face. It’s never a good look. I would love to hear DD side of the story.

Go ahead, refuse to have DGC for the three days wraparound care.

Eh? She’s the mother, ergo IS the ‘default’ parent!