Page 4 | AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

BeCosyFox · 2025-03-08T00:52:01+00:00

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

RhiWrites · 08/03/2025 05:40

Yes It’s unreasonable to refuse to do a favor you offered to your daughter because what she’s asked for isn’t what you’d prefer to do.

Why can’t you be the supportive mum she can lean on for the support she wants? Why must you make it all about how you think your grandchild should be raised?

Caspianberg · 08/03/2025 05:44

Also, they aren’t at nursery forever in uk. By 4 they will be at school. I assume child is around 1 year now. So it’s max 3 years. Then school schedule and holidays is much more open to you to help maybe when child is older. They can walk, talk, toilet themselves and much nicer to do activities with

doodahdayy · 08/03/2025 05:46

Why are you only insisting on helping on your terms? That's fine if you want but you'll see your grandchild even less. It's not your place to decide that 5 days is too much to be in nursery. Maybe your daughter wants more structure for your grandchild

farmlife2 · 08/03/2025 05:47

RhiWrites · 08/03/2025 05:40

Yes It’s unreasonable to refuse to do a favor you offered to your daughter because what she’s asked for isn’t what you’d prefer to do.

Why can’t you be the supportive mum she can lean on for the support she wants? Why must you make it all about how you think your grandchild should be raised?

It's not unreasonable for her to refuse. Like you said, it's a favour for the daughter. If she doesn't like the terms of an offer/request, she is free to decline. They both are. Or modify the request to offer one or two days for the shorter hours. If they can't negotiate an agreement, then the mother has to make other arrangements for her child.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/03/2025 05:55

Maybe she doesn't want her daughter around someone who is purposely spiteful when they don't get their own way?

Anyway, I feel like this is a windup.

Charismatica · 08/03/2025 06:06

Respect your daughter’s wishes, your opinion on what you feel is best for your grandchild is irrelevant.

If you would enjoy the three pick ups with your grandchild then agree to it. Not agreeing just because you’re hurt or angry about your daughter’s decision would clearly damage your relationship with her and possibly your grandchild.

If you don’t want to do it because of other genuine reasons, then explain these kindly to your daughter, assuring her that you would still be happy to look after your granddaughter if she is unwell or for any other reason that crops up.

Don’t jeopardise the relationship with your daughter.

Aimtodobetter · 08/03/2025 06:08

You're attitude to your daughter's request is very "my way or the high way" - which is not very respectful of your daugher's role as a parent at all. I am guessing you are like that in other areas of your life/with your relationship with your daughter if you would be like this to such an extreme extent on this. That is probably why your daughter is making the decision she is.

ClassySassyBonnieLassie · 08/03/2025 06:16

BeCosyFox · 08/03/2025 01:55

I do think it’s a mix of all the things mentioned that she shares concerns for and uses them as her reasons. She could leave work and she did originally want to and then she got a promotion and doesn’t want to lose her career for the rest of her life and refind her feet once she goes to school. My grandson did often seek comfort from me over mum (other daughter) and she has said she doesn’t want that but I think that’s a little sad, it’s not a bad thing for her to find comfort in me if that was the case. I don’t use much screens or bad food and would follow wishes with this but she says she would rather the activities the nursery provides even if I spend most my day doing things with the grandchildren but I can’t understand why when I would be offering 1-1 activities but she says I would naturally be doing some housework or other things but that’s completely usual, I don’t get the issue there. It seems she is flinging around a lot of factors that don’t hold much weight when she is giving up on a grandparent providing free care, I can’t understand it. I do think 5 days is too much for a small child at nursery too

So you have asked for reasons and she has given them - but because you don’t agree with them you are dismissing them.

I think you need to tread carefully here, by continuing to push this with her, or by saying no to that wrap around care in some kind of attempt to get her to bend to your way of thinking you could do irreparable damage to your relationship with your daughter which will ultimately affect your relationship with your grand daughter

Flossflower · 08/03/2025 06:29

We are grandparents that have done a couple of days childcare for about 8 years. I day a week for each of our children. Our grandkids are now at school and it is now only school pick ups and nursery.
I completely understand your daughter’s decision. Our grandchildren also went to nursery and they loved it. If you are looking after your grandchild and you are ill or need time out then your daughter is stuck for childcare. We are lucky as other grandparents cover for us and we cover for them. You are not getting any younger and may find it harder than last time. I know I can’t do as much as I did 8 years ago! If you think that you can look after your grandchild on all your time off work, you probably mean you will be doing domestic chores while your grandchild is there, where as at nursery they will have attention and activities all the time. They will also be able to mix with other children. Please don’t be offended. I would do the school pick ups and enjoy the time you have with your grandchild.

Moonnstars · 08/03/2025 06:30

You sound quite controlling as she has given you reasons for her choice but you don't seem to accept this.
As you are still working part time, she probably is mindful of your time on your days off. Additionally as others have said, if you need to go to an appointment on those days she would have to find alternative care or you would be dragging the grandchild along too (who wants that when they go to the hairdressers to relax).
I think what is on offer sounds good, you still have the day to get jobs done and then time with grandchild. Turning this down because it's not what you wanted would be petty.

HarryVanderspeigle · 08/03/2025 06:35

She has the right to choose nursery, so i think you are being unreasonable there. But three days a week doing pick ups would be very annoying, so I can see why you don't want to do that. Getting a tired child for a short time and it restricting what you can do with your day for half the week is a big ask.

Avelina · 08/03/2025 06:37

Something about this and the fact that you’ve dismissed everyone’s advice makes me think this is a reverse and you’re actually the daughter who’s pissed off at their mum making the demands

Squeakpopcorn · 08/03/2025 06:37

BeCosyFox · 08/03/2025 01:55

I do think it’s a mix of all the things mentioned that she shares concerns for and uses them as her reasons. She could leave work and she did originally want to and then she got a promotion and doesn’t want to lose her career for the rest of her life and refind her feet once she goes to school. My grandson did often seek comfort from me over mum (other daughter) and she has said she doesn’t want that but I think that’s a little sad, it’s not a bad thing for her to find comfort in me if that was the case. I don’t use much screens or bad food and would follow wishes with this but she says she would rather the activities the nursery provides even if I spend most my day doing things with the grandchildren but I can’t understand why when I would be offering 1-1 activities but she says I would naturally be doing some housework or other things but that’s completely usual, I don’t get the issue there. It seems she is flinging around a lot of factors that don’t hold much weight when she is giving up on a grandparent providing free care, I can’t understand it. I do think 5 days is too much for a small child at nursery too

She had said lots of things which you say don’t gild much weight but they’re important to her and if your dismissing her opinion now then I think she is making the right decision.

Frozensun · 08/03/2025 06:41

I had an offer of at home child care for my first. I decided to go with nursery as - if someone was ill - there was always a familiar carer. Horrible situation, but the prospective carer had a stroke (late 30s) and as she was getting better her partner was killed in an accident leaving her with 4 kids. I would have had all sorts of trouble getting care as waiting times were long. I care for my grandchildren as wrap around care (and have done for 8 years now). I have a great relationship with them all. Just because it’s not a full day doesn’t take away anything from that. Your daughter will be going with what she thinks best. Support her in her choices and don’t try to make her feel guilty. (Referencing comment that you don’t think full time nursery is the best ). As parents, we all try to do our best for our kids.

PrioritisePleasure24 · 08/03/2025 06:44

I do think you need to think about working and then having a child three days a week is a lot!
You might enjoy it but you never know what life throws at us. A couple of hours still means regular contact and fun without it taking your whole day.

what if you want a holiday? or are sick longer term. She can’t just send her child to nursery every day as places are filled.

You

BeanThereDoneIt · 08/03/2025 06:46

While I can understand you feeling upset, I also think you need to take some time to reflect and aim for a more understanding and mature response to this situation.

The idea of refusing to do pick ups now is cutting off your nose to spite your face. Why wouldn’t you jump at the opportunity to see your granddaughter 3 times a week, seeing as you want to have her for much longer periods?

It is quite a petty reaction that would have me worried about how you’d handle other disagreements over parenting decisions, particularly as you are so dismissive of the reasons your daughter has given you.

Stardream27 · 08/03/2025 06:47

I'm in the exact same boat as your daughter. Just back at work. DS in nursery all the days I work BECAUSE with my older DD, my in-laws wanted her, DH wanted them to look after her, and it was a total NIGHTMARE. They couldn't do it if they had the dentist, the doctor, coffee scheduled with a friend etc. and because I work from home, they saw no issue in just cancelling. After a lot of rows with DH (who never took a day off to pick up the slack - another saga) I quickly put DD in the nursery more days.

This time around, lesson learned, and youngest DS in nursery from the off.

Both my children's relationship with their grandparents? Absolutely lovely. They have special days out, cosy sleep overs, and the children and grandparents really cherish the time together.

I'm with your daughter on this. And as a working mum with young children, please don't cause unnecessary upset by trying to get your own way. She'll feel criticised and hurt and you won't "win" anything.

HelenWheels · 08/03/2025 06:48

it sounds unreasonable
have you told her y ou would be more inconvenienced picking up at 3 than you would having your gd all day

Greensnow · 08/03/2025 06:49

I think you're not being unreasonable.You also deserve a life, why should you hang about 3 days a week waiting to pick up.your grandaughter from nursery.
Sure your daughter can decide what to do about her own child.You.can also decide what to do with your time.
Also I find it funny all the parents that think nurserys are better than a careing grandmother and one to one care at home.
Nursery can make a child.more independant, but not every child is suited to this sort of enviroment.
You should offer to take her child one full day a week, I bet your grandchild will prefer being with you than at nursery.

Also awful the people calling you spiteful at the beginning.Ignore that, you.know what you want to do and I believe ot cam be bery benificial the grandmother child relationship.
I hate the way so many kids get left for too lomg too young in nursery care.I know because I worked in one for many years.

HelenWheels · 08/03/2025 06:52

PodgePie · 08/03/2025 01:58

There’s obviously a reason so talk to your daughter. Same as in most circumstances on here - actually talk to the person you love.

Show quote history

exactly

Crazybaby123 · 08/03/2025 06:52

You sound lovely OP. I am sure it is not personal, your daughter probably has her own good reasons that she has thought through. Maybe she is keen on routine, doesnt want to feel beholden, doesnt want to worry that you might be sick or want to switch days. Her job might not be as flexible and accomodating as your other daughters if there has to be a last minute change of plans.also some nurseries will offer places for 5 days only.
Talk to her and see what the issue is.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 08/03/2025 06:53

The reality of looking after a 1 yr old from 8-6 days a week is very different to what you imagine.

This is the situation now.
go with it.
enjoy your grandchild in 6 months when she is 18m your Dd might be open to dropping a day.
equally you might find the reality of committing to 3 days per week EVERY week difficult.
also nurseries in my area won’t take kids less than 3 days per week

i say this as my mum shouted from the rooftops she’d looked after my dd 5 days per week. She 💯 wanted to, but she wasn’t able for it (there’s no shame in it, it’s incredibly tiring). She does emergency cover which I appreciate but the times I do ask her to come for “nice to have but not emergency help”, she often has random excuses and doesn’t take the opportunity to spend time with my GD. If I’d actually used her instead of paid childcare bluntly I’d have been fucked when I went back to work. My mum is just lovely and loves me and is in love with her GC… but I had to make the call that was best for everyone.

be accommodating and play the long game. Seeing your GD x 3 per week is plenty to build a relationship and it’s not set in stone and your Dd may well change things in the future

Moonnstars · 08/03/2025 06:54

Greensnow · 08/03/2025 06:49

I think you're not being unreasonable.You also deserve a life, why should you hang about 3 days a week waiting to pick up.your grandaughter from nursery.
Sure your daughter can decide what to do about her own child.You.can also decide what to do with your time.
Also I find it funny all the parents that think nurserys are better than a careing grandmother and one to one care at home.
Nursery can make a child.more independant, but not every child is suited to this sort of enviroment.
You should offer to take her child one full day a week, I bet your grandchild will prefer being with you than at nursery.

Also awful the people calling you spiteful at the beginning.Ignore that, you.know what you want to do and I believe ot cam be bery benificial the grandmother child relationship.
I hate the way so many kids get left for too lomg too young in nursery care.I know because I worked in one for many years.

No one has to hang about. This arrangement would allow the grandmother to get all her jobs done, still see her friends and then spend time with her grandchild.
I don't know why people keep saying about people waiting around til 3, what do they think SAHM or people who work compressed hours or shift work do before pick up, sit there staring into space til it's time to collect?!

Tooearlytothink · 08/03/2025 06:55

You don't need to understand her reasoning (which you're clearly making no attempt to do as you're just disregarding what she's said anyway). You just need to decide if you still want to help & get those 3 afternoons/evenings with your grandchild or if you're going to cut off your nose to spite your face & miss out completely.

CherryDrops89 · 08/03/2025 06:56

I wonder how many people who call you spiteful have grandparents doing childcare left right and centre with no flexibility because they've been told this is what they must do. It's your life, offer what you'd like to do. If you're not taken up on that then that's the way it goes. You're allowed to say no to a setup that doesn't suit you, your daughter asked for a favour, it cannot be treated as a demand