AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

[BeCosyFox]

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

Judging from your posts, it's quite clear why your DD chose nursery over you.

OP said in her initial post that the grandchild would only be in nursery half days and that DD’s shifts don’t start until later in the day. It sounds like baby will be home with mom in the mornings and doing afternoon sessions at nursery, so pick ups after lunch aren’t a compromise.

Yabu.

My mother was brilliant until she was unexpectedly ill & I was completely fucked as couldn't find childcare and lost my
Job.

You sound like a lovely caring grandma op! I’m sorry you’re hurt, I would have jumped at the chance of having my child looked after for 3 days by such a loving person.

but, be careful not to damage the relationship with your DD, let her make her own choices. If you are able to help with pick ups from nursery then use this time to bond with your grand DD.

Oh you should have posted on grans networks. Mumsnet loves nurseries. Your daughter will pay hundreds of pounds for nursery and GC will be I'll constantly. If she likes the consistency of nursery so much why ask you at all? I think the 3 days wrap around care is a bit disruptive on a very young child. Leave her be she may come round when the reality of nursery sets in. I understand your hurt but young mothers are brainwashed into believing the older generation are practically dangerous to GC. Is it possible she plans to be very restrictive on food, screen time etc? If so you've probably missed a bullet tbh. This way at least your relationship will stay in tact.

Why are you still arguing with your daughter for what you want to happen? Your attitude would set my red flags off - this is her child, job and life.
You can choose not to do the wrap around care but I’d drop the emotional
manipulation as it will cause long term harm.

I would say you are being unreasonable and have had several posters tell you this already. You either help out or don't. Your dd isn't expecting everything on her terms for instance she isn't micromanaging what you do when you have your grandchild. Instead she has proposed what she feels would work best for everyone.

You are taking this as a perceived slight of her not trusting you as much as your other dd did. When in actual fact she is being a responsible parent and perhaps thinking of your welfare more than your other dd did.

My mil felt similar when I asked if she would have my dd1 2 afternoons rnoons a week for a year. She went to nursery for the mornings. Having never used formal childcare she didn't agree with it and thought dd1 would have been better off with her. The reality was though that she would have had to wake earlier than she normally would to have dd1 and adjust ger routine sround dd1. I felt this was a big ask. Young kids are tiring at any age but moreso as you get older. I wanted to minimise the impact on mil which came from a place of kindness. I didn't want her tiring herself out because of my need for childcare. Your dd might feel similar.

Your writing style is similar to a poster who crops up all the time who doesn't consider the use of paragraphs or punctuation to be useful.

She will have her reasons for feeling that nursery is the better option for her child. YABU

Obviously she does have her reasons, which is fine. It just doesn’t make sense though.

If she’d prefer the child in nursery, no problems at all. BUT that’s not what she is wanting. She is wanting her mum basically not to be able to do much for 3 days a week to work around picking up from nursery and having them for an hour and a half.

That shoots down all the - doesn’t want to restrict mum’s lifestyle, doesn’t want to prohibit mum going on holidays, what if mum is sick. The reality is mum is still tied down for 3 whole days a week for the sake of 1.5hrs. No way I’d do that as a grandparent. It’s weird.

It's your preference to do full days but not hers. You need to decide if you are happy to do the wrap around care or not.

It will still be time with your dgc but if it doesn't work for you it's fine to say no. Just make sure your not doing it ti spite yourself

It's your daughter's choice at the end of the day, and she could have all manner of reasons. It'd be very unpleasant of you to withdraw your offer of help completely just because you can't have it your way.

BUT that’s not what she is wanting. She is wanting her mum basically not to be able to do much for 3 days a week to work around picking up from nursery and having them for an hour and a half.

What? Are you picturing grandma sitting in her car all day until 5pm or something? Since when does doing nursery pick up and 1.5 hours after take up an adult’s entire day? The country is full of parents working whole full time jobs before doing nursery pickup an hour and a half of tea and play time.

And figuring out a backup plan to cover pickup and tea/dinner if granny is sick or on vacation or has an appointment is usually far easier than figuring out what to do for an entire shift.

Yeah, because we all know nursery workers have Ph D's in child psychology.. have you missed the other threads about how mums are worried about their children's speech due to the lack of nursery workers' grasp of grammar/English. Don't know why you want to hurt the OP's feelings or if it's just a general disdain of the working class. It's not becoming and says more about you than about them.

I think three days a week is a bit much to rely on one family member for childcare so although i LOvE my mum and the way she cares for my child, I would also say no to this. One day a week maybe as i know I could just take the odd day off if she were sick.
It's a lovely offer but it's so important new mums feel comfortable with their childcare when they go back to work she absolutely has the right to do what makes her feel most at ease and the predictability of nursery vs relying on one person is quite relaxing.

On the other hand, I don't really like the way my MIL looks after her other grandchildren so wouldn't leave mine with her even for a couple of hours (and my husband agrees!). She has a heart of gold but gives out chocolate, screen time etc

I would love to see the daughters version of all this on MN, I wonder how close the stories would match?

It’s her child so she can make the choices. It’s not about you and what you want. Maybe your daughter has reasons she doesn’t want to share for fear of seeming critical of you or her sister.

Refusing all childcare because you don’t get your choice would be spiteful and childish.

Oof OP, this post 🫣

So in your own words, you admit that you’ll be doing housework and other “usual” activities while babysitting but your DD prefers nursery as it’s structured and entirely focused on her child’s needs?

But you think that’s unreasonable….

I understand you’re hurt but you’re not even trying to understand your DD’s point of view.

If you’re going to be spending part of the time catching up on chores while you have a toddler around, I can see why your DD would prefer nursery. You’re not unreasonable to want to spend some of your days doing housework, but your DD isn’t unreasonable for preferring childcare that centres on the child’s needs.

Also, you sound more than a little ignorant of how your DD might be feeling. Lots of mums struggle with leaving their children, no matter how much they enjoy their job, and to have your child seeking comfort from another family member can be really painful. You framing this as “not a bad thing” shows that you’re not considering your DD’s feelings at all. This is just about getting what you want.

Refusing to help with wraparound care is your prerogative but it’s unbelievably petulant. If it was because you were genuinely going to be busy elsewhere then fine. But it sounds as if you’d be free to do the pickups but don’t want to help your DD unless she agrees to give you what you want. Very very selfish.

So your help is dependent on you getting what you want or offering nothing. I'd move heaven and earth to not have you involved.

Maybe she is worried her child may bond more with you than her. Does she think that happened with her sister’s child? She could have agreed to once a week. I think if you refuse to help for the 90 mins it may sour relations.

It's disappointing you won't have the same opportunity to spend time with your GD that you did your GS but ultimately, it's your daughter's choice.

My son started out in nursery some of the week and with GPs the other part. It just didn't work out - we have demanding jobs and it just wasn't reliable childcare so we increased nursery time (now almost full time). We can plan much better as a family knowing that son is in nursery each day and not needing to worry about days when care isn't available.

My mum looks after my nephew and they have a lovely bond. She never sits him in front of the TV, always goes to toddler clubs, museums, parks and will sit on the floor with him for hours to play but we still feel that nursery offers our son things that she can't, and that's fine. It's our decision and my mum respects that. She has my son a couple of afternoons (picking up from nursery) and they still have a fantastic bond. You're absolutely within your right to say no to wraparound care if that's how you feel but please don't risk damaging your relationship with your daughter and granddaughter because you don't agree with her decision.

How active are you? My mum would like to have my children more during the school holidays and I am sure she doesn’t understand why I use school holiday programme- the answer is that one day looking after them tires her out and she doesn’t do all the activities with them they do at the programme. One day a week is enough for us all!

Rightly or wrongly, your daughter has decided nursery works best for her. You need to respect that decision. You are desperate for her choice to make sense to you but it doesn't need to. Let that go and keep your lip buttoned about her choices.

Obviously you can decide you will care for your grandchild on whatever terms you want. And your daughter can decide whether that works for her or whether she would rather find an alternative. She's clearly decided what she wants to happen, now you have to decide if you are willing to accept that. If neither of you are willing to accept the others terms of care, then you can't agree and nursery is the better option.

1.5 hours isn't a long time to do much with a child and I wouldn't want to have to miss out on potential day long plans, like day trips, for the sake of an hour and a half three days a week myself. Once probably, twice possibly. I'd be more willing if I had the hours in a day to do something fun like a trip to the zoo or other activity.

Maybe there is a compromise where you have the child one full day a week and do the pick up another day and have her for the hour and a half? The mother might not like that though, as she'll be out of childcare if you are sick or unavailable. She is (reasonably) thinking of her needs and you are thinking of yours.

Your dd is probably on mn, and has learned a thing or two from here 😆. When she is paying for a service , she is more in control, than when she is asking for favours. If you are unwell etc she will find it difficult to find alternative childcare etc and she obviously wants to avoid being in that situation.Dont take it personally, make a decision on whether you are happy to look after you dgd on the terms offered by your daughter, and let her know. You are not being unreasonable, whatever you decide. You both have valid reasons.

I would choose nursery full time also.

I think it’s better than she has scheduled full cover. You collect three afternoons. You can then offer to have on days nursery is shut in holidays, if child’s a bit unwell, and also evenings, overnights later and weekends.

If she asks you three full days, so would feel it’s too much to ask for an overnight one weekend whilst they attend an event or similar. And if nursery is shut in holidays or school later then presumably she can then ask for 2-3 days then, without feeling you will get burnt out.

I don’t know how old you are, but my Ds grandparents can’t cope with his energy at all.
His nursery does way more with him daily then he would get if he stayed with a grandparents.