Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude if you were a guest?

317 replies

Britishsummertime22 · 07/03/2025 23:36

If you were a guest in someone's house and they went up to bed without saying goodnight or telling you they were going to bed/not coming back downstairs would you think that was rude?

OP posts:
AmusedBouched · 08/03/2025 12:20

My initial reaction is that they had just received some bad news.

NCTDN · 08/03/2025 12:22

Have you said anything?

FjordPrefect · 08/03/2025 12:27

Britishsummertime22 · 07/03/2025 23:50

They are not autistic

Show quote history

I was going to ask this, I used to do that sort of thing when I was a teen!

TheBerry · 08/03/2025 12:36

Pls quiz your hosts about this OP and let us know what they say. I’m invested.

MrsSlocombesCat · 08/03/2025 12:37

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 07/03/2025 23:39

It's rude to go up to bed without saying goodnight to WHOEVER is still downstairs.

My son and I don’t say goodnight. To be fair he is always in his room (33 with ASD). If he was downstairs with me it would be different.

Miyagi99 · 08/03/2025 12:50

Depends how much they’ve drank!

Ritzybitzy · 08/03/2025 12:51

Britishsummertime22 · 07/03/2025 23:50

They are not autistic

Show quote history

Are you sure they weren’t drunk?

andweallsingalong · 08/03/2025 13:25

Were you all watching something and they decided to quietly pop up without disturbing your enjoyment?

Boromirsgreyhound · 08/03/2025 13:27

That’s really rude and weird! Even if you hadn’t noticed hints that they wanted to go to bed then they should have made it more obvious. “Anyway, it’s waaaay past my bedtime! Help yourself to anything and feel free to stay downstairs. We’re normally up at around …..so we don’t clash in the bathroom. Night!” Weird. I’d feel uncomfortable too. I’d probably leave early tbh.

ManchesterLu · 08/03/2025 13:29

Yeah it's rude, whether you're a guest or live in the house, if you're in a house and there's other people, if you're leaving for whatever reason - i.e. going to bed or going out somewhere - it's polite to say so.

I could never get this through to DSS when he lived here. He thought "because he was adult" he no longer had to tell us when he was going out, so he'd just leave. We said you should still say goodbye and see you later, just because you don't have to ask permission doesn't mean you just disappear!

kwetu · 08/03/2025 13:35

Any update?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/03/2025 13:38

So they went to bed at 10:45 on a weekday night. I think they probably felt awkward you were showing no signs of going to bed and they were really tired so person 1 just went. Person 2 at least should have clarified person 1 went to bed and they were doing the same, but maybe they felt as awakward as you at basically having to tell you that you'd stayed up longer than they expected and they were really uncomfortable and tired. Maybe it was even a passive agressive way of setting the point that its late and we expect to be in bed by this time going forward.
Surely part of the arrangement of staying over with someone is finding out their usual bedtime to know if its compatible enough to be a viable place to stay?
I'm a really late sleeper due to insomnia, i'ts not unusual to still be wide awake at 2am, I'd never stay with someone with a typical 9pm bedtime etc.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 08/03/2025 13:59

Are they not used to having guests?
Can you find a reason to go home early ( water coming through a ceiling, friend who has no one has broken an ankle, intruders in your house, great aunt is flying in unexpectedly from wherever are a few I can think of)

Cerulean67 · 08/03/2025 14:00

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/03/2025 13:38

So they went to bed at 10:45 on a weekday night. I think they probably felt awkward you were showing no signs of going to bed and they were really tired so person 1 just went. Person 2 at least should have clarified person 1 went to bed and they were doing the same, but maybe they felt as awakward as you at basically having to tell you that you'd stayed up longer than they expected and they were really uncomfortable and tired. Maybe it was even a passive agressive way of setting the point that its late and we expect to be in bed by this time going forward.
Surely part of the arrangement of staying over with someone is finding out their usual bedtime to know if its compatible enough to be a viable place to stay?
I'm a really late sleeper due to insomnia, i'ts not unusual to still be wide awake at 2am, I'd never stay with someone with a typical 9pm bedtime etc.

See, I'm a late sleeper too due to a sleep disorder, but I don't think this is on OP. What would be the problem with the host saying they're off to bed, but make yourself comfortable and see you in the morning etc?

Tbf if I'm staying somewhere I tend to go to bed when my hosts do, unless they're close friends/family I'd worry about appearing rude staying up, and I always have a book with me to read in bed. But I think it's up to the hosts to tell the guest if they need to go to bed, not passive-aggressively disappear without a word.

Gloriia · 08/03/2025 14:02

As others have asked, who are they?

Are they close relatives who are so comfortable with you they just pottered about and went to bed or are they friends who always act oddly?

AngelicKaty · 08/03/2025 14:20

MumonabikeE5 · 08/03/2025 09:06

I’d suspect that I had missed their multiple subtle indicators that the evening had come to an end and that they were withdrawing.

so I would be embrassed that I had caused my host awkwardness

It was the hosts that have caused any awkwardness, not OP. Why give out "multiple subtle indicators" when a straight-forward "Right, it's been a long week and we're off to bed now. Need anything before we go? No? Right-o, sleep well and see you in the morning. Night night." Are people so incapable of even basic courtesy these days? 🙄

welshmercury · 08/03/2025 14:20

Just go to bed first tonight and my say anything

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2025 14:21

AmusedBouched · 08/03/2025 12:20

My initial reaction is that they had just received some bad news.

At bedtime? And they then went to bed after?

ilovesooty · 08/03/2025 14:31

YourHappyJadeEagle · 08/03/2025 13:59

Are they not used to having guests?
Can you find a reason to go home early ( water coming through a ceiling, friend who has no one has broken an ankle, intruders in your house, great aunt is flying in unexpectedly from wherever are a few I can think of)

Why would she need to tell a load of convoluted lies?

ChorusOfDisapproval · 08/03/2025 14:34

Any update OP? Hope you're ok today. My money's on them having had an argument and were both grumpy. So rude to do this though.

dogcatkitten · 08/03/2025 14:41

Have you been staying for a while? Were they hinting that you should go to bed, before they went? Were they being tactful just leaving you to it rather than say they were going to bed (and seeming like you should) when it was obvious you wanted to stay up, to watch a film or something?

I would always say goodnight, but nought so strange as folk.

BePoisedCritic · 08/03/2025 14:41

Not rude.

MarkWithaC · 08/03/2025 14:44

dogcatkitten · 08/03/2025 14:41

Have you been staying for a while? Were they hinting that you should go to bed, before they went? Were they being tactful just leaving you to it rather than say they were going to bed (and seeming like you should) when it was obvious you wanted to stay up, to watch a film or something?

I would always say goodnight, but nought so strange as folk.

She's said she'd only been there a few hours.
It is rude, and weird too; why on earth would you NOT say goodnight, or 'Right, I'm off to bed, can you switch all the lights off when you go up' or something? (I think we've covered ND, before anyone says anything like that).

I'm intrigued as to what relation they are to you and how close, though; if they're super-close family or friends then I can imagine that being OK. Although I guess if you knew they usually did this, you wouldn't be posting about it...

Normallynumb · 08/03/2025 14:48

How were they at breakfast this morning?
I hope it's not awkward

RampantIvy · 08/03/2025 15:06

Even DH and I say to each other when we are going to bed.