My mum treats my brother and I differently since he had kids

[tropicalroses]

Just a passing thought after a comment I made on another post. My mum treats me and my brother differently since he had kids. She has always helped us out a little- nothing major, bits here and there. Since he had kids she bends over backwards to help him out, and often now can't do the occasional favour for me. She still expects me to step up and help her out from time to time, and not him. I know it sounds very transactional, but am I right to feel put out? I am feeling very much like spinster sister at the bottom of the pile.

My BF hates it and it has soured his relationship with my parents as he sees how being second choice is grinding me down.

Thanks for all the congratulations. Beyond delighted!!

you would be better off realising that for most grandparents the pull of new grandchildren is immense. It doesn't mean that your parents love you less but hey are understandably enthralled with the new children. if you had babies first then the situation would be reversed, sometimes you just have to be a grown up and accept things. try laughing it off its not such a big deal.

I suspect she will want it to change, but as a previous poster said, this could be the final straw. I seem to keep going back to give another chance, and it doesn’t change. I’ve actually gone round to MIL to drop the dog off, an hour trip, and will need to go back again, but she was happy to help us out at short notice.

If things do change I will know that it is only because of grandbaby, and I’m not sure I am in the frame of mind where that is acceptable. You don’t get to keep letting me down, when it’s “just tropical roses”, but when there’s a baby roses to coo over then things are worth doing.

Don’t know how I’d feel TBH

I absolutely understand that @tropicalroses I'm the only one of my siblings not to have reproduced, and while I do understand the pull of grandchildren (I adore my nieces & nephews) sometimes it really used to hurt that I was always the last person to be considered in the family, and was rarely offered help in the way my sibs were.

Wonderful news and congratulations 🎊
You need to set new boundaries especially with your baby on the way. She has shown you she cannot be trusted to commit to you so make plans going forward without her. Be firm if she starts complaining about being excluded. You don't need the stress. Hope all went well at the doctor.

Congratulations 🥳

Wishing you all the best and I hope you come to some resolution with your mother. It may all kick off when she’s the last to know your news.

Congrats op.

It’s sad but don’t feel guilty when she try’s to twist it. I’d have no problem telling her when she does moan that actually you asked her for a favour for the baby but she was too busy. It was after all a grandchild favour. Dog needed watching so baby appointment could happen.

Thankfully your mil could watch the dog but it’s a 2 hour total trip you didn’t need.

Well the intention certainly wasn’t to tell her after anyone else or anything. I’m not into using news in that way.

But I’m pretty sure my MIL knows but is too sweet to say anything. It would be pretty unusual for her to look after my dog normally, but DP wanted to come with me, but she was very much “of course anytime, you just let me know” and sent me on my way with a tub of brand new decaf coffee which she picked up by ‘mistake’ this afternoon 😆

You have an amazing mil! Love her.

She will do exactly the same for you when you have children.

Great, but I would much had one or two occasional incidents of help over the years when they were desperately needed. Rather than lots of “generous” offers of help once I’ve proven myself of value to the family by delivering grandkids.

It sounds to me as though everyone needs to pull their own weight more;
Your brother (and his wife) need to employ a child minder, and rely on your mum less, because that is preventing her from getting on with her own things like driving your dad to his medical appointments!
You should be using your days off to sort your own boiler out, not for taking your father to his appointments, that your mother should be doing (I'm assuming your dad doesn't drive).

You're all helping eachother out and moaning about who is helping out more! It's ridiculous.

That's a very narrow minded comment, and quite honestly below the belt. Assuming OP can actually have children when she may or may not be unable to have them is over stepping.

OP has just announced she is pregnant a few posts ago

People without children are worthless. They are taken for granted and expected to shut up and suck it up. Especially if it is a daughter. That's the reality of it. You need to stop taking annual leave if it is not actually needed. It doesn't mean you can never help, but point them towards your brother.

What ive noticed is that grandparents plan their whole lives around "in case they are needed" and can't say no. The parent with children doesn't even understand how lucky they are and dont appreciate it. They even get upset if they are told no once. They're so used to getting what they want just with a phone call that they dont even try to sort things out and grandparent is always the plan a. This is a genuine observation, my siblings with kids live far away. I've always lived in a different city from my grandparents and my children will live a distance away from grandparents. So no personal bitterness.

Not necessarily. Brother might be the goodness child. And might be because she has already established routine that op's kid wont fit in to her schedule. Only time will tell

He definitely doesn’t have a routine 🤣 just phones up the day before and she drops everything!!!

Routine was maybe the wrong word, but I meant there is a strong possibility that she can't help with yours cause she is on call/helping your brother. Hope it will be equal but will be interesting to see. Well, I had my rant few messages up 😅

Oops

congratulations 🥰

My mum is pretty much the same, and if she does offer to help it becomes a massive drama. I only ask now if I have no option.

Happy to take DBs children with no complaints though.

Thank you!

I’m pretty sure in 8 months time I’ll find her reliability for social visits, and any assistance dramatically improves. But I’m not minded to try it out. 🤣

Why do you need help from your mother anyway? She loves her grandchildren and can probably identify better with DB at the moment. Things will change as the children grow up or if you have some of your own. I hope my DS doesn't feel like this about his sister. You do need to think about your attitude to this and perhaps if it's affecting how DM feels about you. My grandson has brightened my life and I would feel sad if I thought a n adult child was basically jealous. Your time with DM will come in some form.

The OP very clearly set out when she might on the rare occasion need help. She isn't asking for help to be matched or wanting her share. Sometimes life gets in the way when you have kids and you need help- and sometimes life gets in the way when you haven't got kids and you need help. To basically say one is more deserving of assistance when they have kids is pretty toxic.

You say her time with DM will come in some form? Perhaps when her DM sees that OP is pregnant and will soon have some precious grandchildren of her own. Lets hope that the DM doesn't leave the OP with the sense that the price you need to pay in her family is providing kids.

Whether your DS feels like this about his sister is entirely dependant on you and whether you favour one with love, money or support above the other.

I think this is it exactly. I cited one example when I had been given 24 hours notice of an emergency boiler appointment which clashed with a Christmas client meeting that I had to attend. I was in no means looking for equal help to what my brother gets or what thinking I should get my share.

Sometimes life gets in the way when you have kids and you need help- and sometimes life gets in the way when you haven't got kids and you need help. To basically say one is more deserving of assistance when they have kids is pretty toxic.

This is worth repeating, especially for those giving @tropicalroses a hard time & telling her off.