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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum treats my brother and I differently since he had kids

175 replies

tropicalroses · 07/03/2025 13:28

Just a passing thought after a comment I made on another post. My mum treats me and my brother differently since he had kids. She has always helped us out a little- nothing major, bits here and there. Since he had kids she bends over backwards to help him out, and often now can't do the occasional favour for me. She still expects me to step up and help her out from time to time, and not him. I know it sounds very transactional, but am I right to feel put out? I am feeling very much like spinster sister at the bottom of the pile.

My BF hates it and it has soured his relationship with my parents as he sees how being second choice is grinding me down.

OP posts:
Itisbetter · 07/03/2025 16:32

There are 5 family members 4 in the other household (db, sil, 2 kids), are you perhaps missing the fact that your mum is giving you 20% of her time rather than half?

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 07/03/2025 16:33

tropicalroses · 07/03/2025 13:54

I have no problem with my mum helping him out or paying for things. What I am starting to have an issue with is the way the help is flowing. She is constantly helping him, never asking him for anything in return; but laying all her troubles at my door and when I occasionally ask for a favour now it becomes a really rigmarole on how its going to work, how it might affect DB, how little time she has and she makes it really apparent "how much she does for us both".

Just for reference she's helping him out twice a week or more and I might need a favour once every couple of months. So I am asking for less than 10% of what he his.

Show quote history

There are similar dynamics at play in my family, except it's that my brother who's ill, who lives near me. My retired parents will come down and spend the entire day helping him, ask me to help him out, and tell me they need help at theirs too. But I have a one year old (brother is immunocompromised), and we need to do a lot of sorting for our house. As a matter of fact I've worked on my parents' house, my sister's and my brother's. Have they helped with mine? Have they fuck.

No advice, but solidarity OP. The only "defence" available to my parents is that I think my mum sees it as a form of involvement in their lives to invite us to travel 150 miles to paint their house.

Naunet · 07/03/2025 16:36

This reply has been deleted

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

Totally irrelevant. The fact is two people (the parents) expect OP to help them out a lot with various favours, but won't return those favours when very occasionally requested. That is not a fair or reasonable relationship.

OP, next time they ask, just say no, they can ask your brother instead.

HonestShaker · 07/03/2025 16:38

This reply has been withdrawn

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iamnotalemon · 07/03/2025 16:38

I don't have children and rarely ask for help - sometimes a lift to the airport - you'd think I was asking for a kidney. Whereas my siblings get tonnes of help because they have children.

I'm sure I'll be the one relied on for care as my parents get older though, being the single and child free daughter though. Hmmm.

Original poster
tropicalroses · 07/03/2025 16:43

This reply has been deleted

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

But when I am taking time of work to take my dad to an appointment because my mum is picking up her grandchild from nursery so my brother can go to his work; it has all got a bit much?

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 07/03/2025 16:46

If you need your entitlement examined to you @HonestShaker you are a totally lost cause and no doubt as selfish in real life as you appear on here.

Original poster
tropicalroses · 07/03/2025 16:46

drspouse · 07/03/2025 15:47

I think you are getting a bit of the self-defensive "of course I deserve more because I have DCs" from the other posters, OP.
My DCs came along quite a long time after my DB's - DN1 is 21, DN2 is 18, and my two are 13 and 11. My DM couldn't do enough for them, she had one DN to live with her for a year, stayed for weeks on end so DB and DSIL could go away for work or just "a break". I understood and assumed it would be the same with us.

Now my DM can't stand my DS and totally favours DD. TBF, DS was in hospital and I was abroad with work and she did drop everything to come and stay two nights with DD, so DH could be with DS. But everything else is on her terms, she is rude to DS which (partly because he has SEN) makes him worse behaved. She massively favours DD, though she is less keen now DD isn't a toddler and can be taken round the charity shops in a buggy.

She will "help" us but only with things that she wants to do - she re-did our front garden, which was amazing, though we didn't ask her to and she kept on and on saying "I MUST come and do your garden" but then she was rude to me the other day because I said I was making a waistcoat for WBD for DD and she told me "oh I'll make her one out of this wild fabric I have" (sent a picture, I didn't see it for days, then said no thanks I've already made hers - which was plain brown for her costume - and she told me I was SO RUDE for answering her the way I did - not quite sure how to say "no thanks, I've already made one" any other way than "no thanks, I've already made one".

I did think it was quite defensive as well!! Glad I'm not the only one getting that vibe.

I think its more common an occurrence than I thought, but I am going to step back regardless

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 07/03/2025 16:47

tropicalroses · 07/03/2025 16:43

But when I am taking time of work to take my dad to an appointment because my mum is picking up her grandchild from nursery so my brother can go to his work; it has all got a bit much?

Show quote history

Don't do this, only help if you're free to AND you want to, you're right, if they're always helping your brother out to the detriment of their own arrangements then make yourself unavailable so they can sort the problem of their own making.

I find quite often the childfree/single female sibling is often put upon to help/sacrifice the most in families.

Don't let them take the milk with your time op.

HonestShaker · 07/03/2025 16:51

This reply has been withdrawn

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VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 07/03/2025 16:56

tropicalroses · 07/03/2025 16:43

But when I am taking time of work to take my dad to an appointment because my mum is picking up her grandchild from nursery so my brother can go to his work; it has all got a bit much?

Show quote history

But you don't have to do that. You're just as able to say no to your mother as she is to you. You're just choosing not to.

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 07/03/2025 16:56

tropicalroses · 07/03/2025 14:49

The issue is I have needed one occasion in the last four months, she was free that day and decided to go to Tesco instead and left me without heating or hot water for 4 days longer than I needed to be.

Since then she has helped my brother out 2 or 3 times a week, so conservatively 20 occasions. I am getting calls about going round to look at their internet and check their TV set up and need to take a half day off work next week to take dad to the optician.

The issue is it feels a little one sided.

Show quote history

I get that she is asking for favours and giving nothing in return which is different from being jealous of her helping with grand children. So take what she does for grandchildren/ brother and don’t put your self out too much when she asks for help- Hopefully she will get brother to fix the internet next time

Tagyoureit · 07/03/2025 16:57

This reply has been deleted

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

Why couldn't you look after 1 sick child on your own? Seems mental to take help away from your sister on her moving day for the sake of a bit of a snotty nose.

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 07/03/2025 16:58

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 07/03/2025 16:56

I get that she is asking for favours and giving nothing in return which is different from being jealous of her helping with grand children. So take what she does for grandchildren/ brother and don’t put your self out too much when she asks for help- Hopefully she will get brother to fix the internet next time

Show quote history

Sorry I missed a bit- take what she does for your brother out of the equation and just think about what she asks for compared to what she does for you.

harriethoyle · 07/03/2025 16:59

This reply has been deleted

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

Ahhh, personal attack. The last refuge of the unreasonable! 👏🏻

HonestShaker · 07/03/2025 16:59

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

Tagyoureit · 07/03/2025 17:01

This reply has been deleted

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

Well that is more understandable.

HonestShaker · 07/03/2025 17:01

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 07/03/2025 17:02

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 07/03/2025 16:56

But you don't have to do that. You're just as able to say no to your mother as she is to you. You're just choosing not to.

Show quote history

Just be more assertive and say you are working .

harriethoyle · 07/03/2025 17:04

This reply has been deleted

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

You are entitled. You think you are more entitled to your mother’s help and time than your siblings. Read your own posts!

chillpizza · 07/03/2025 17:04

My in-laws are like this. Our boiler broke winter newborn baby oh well what a shame. Sil partner working away and she has a toddler. Oh come sleepover.

shopping while car in garage. Only if you definitely need it will take you. Sil, oh yes I’ll take you every week couldn’t possibly go with a toddler alone.

childcare for 2 hours sorry I’m busy. Sil oh yes of course I’ll watch your children every week once a week, whenever you want to go shopping, for parties, just because.

We are going on holiday can you watch the house, guess which adult child. Can you make sure there’s bread and milk in when we get back. Make sure the bins go out.

HonestShaker · 07/03/2025 17:05

This reply has been withdrawn

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CoffeeBeansGalore · 07/03/2025 17:12

@tropicalroses Next time she trots out her favourite "but I do so much for you & your brother" You respond "hang on a minute mum when did you last do anything for me? Not DB, me?"
And let that sink in.
Back off from any favours now. Sorry, can't take dad to that appt now, I have something going on at work.
Next request - no sorry I'm busy. Ask DB "but he's busy." Yes, and so am I. I'm sure you'll figure something out.
And just keep repeating.
Stop being the default option for favours. Don't be the assumed future carer just because you are the daughter.
It'll be hard, but do what YOU want. You will see far less of them. But hopefully you will see them for pleasant social visits, not because they want to use you

Auldy · 07/03/2025 17:24

If reciprocity is important to you then all you can do is pull back from helping them. I had a similar situation where my parents helped my sister disproportionately. There was an added layer, because it stressed them out. They would come to me and complain about it but keep helping her. I was never given any help but was expected to help them with everything and be their emotional support. They could never see my kids because they had to do all of her childcare, pick ups and drop offs. It came to a head when I discovered they borrowed money from me to replace a window in their house but had in fact given it to her. They took money from my family and gave it to hers. I realised that it didn't matter what I said or did, they wouldn't change. I pulled back and we have a polite and perfunctory relationship now. But it's ok.

Mrsttcno1 · 07/03/2025 17:27

harriethoyle · 07/03/2025 17:04

You are entitled. You think you are more entitled to your mother’s help and time than your siblings. Read your own posts!

Show quote history

I think you need to read the posts back to be honest (and give your head a wobble). There’s a very good reason why people say it takes a village to raise children and that is because it is broadly accepted that YOU CAN NEED HELP!

This poster has also already said that when her siblings have children they will have exactly the same treatment.

Families where people are keeping count of who helped who & when and tallying up who “owes” more help aren’t really families at all and I’m thankful that nobody in mine has that attitude.