My mum treats my brother and I differently since he had kids

[tropicalroses]

Just a passing thought after a comment I made on another post. My mum treats me and my brother differently since he had kids. She has always helped us out a little- nothing major, bits here and there. Since he had kids she bends over backwards to help him out, and often now can't do the occasional favour for me. She still expects me to step up and help her out from time to time, and not him. I know it sounds very transactional, but am I right to feel put out? I am feeling very much like spinster sister at the bottom of the pile.

My BF hates it and it has soured his relationship with my parents as he sees how being second choice is grinding me down.

I think you might feel differently if you were the one who NEVER got support or help from anyone. It can be heartbreaking to feel lonely and unsupported in a big family.

No she isn’t. She’s expected to help her parents without getting any help in return because it all goes to her brother.

OP next time they need help just say no.

Except that isn’t what I’m talking about. People have varying levels of need at different times, people also have varying ability to provide help at different times. We rally around who needs the help most and that changes constantly, 5 years ago it was my sister after her accident, she needed huge amounts of help for a long time, all the help anybody could give was hers and nobody was ever annoyed or put out by that- she was in greatest need, she came first. A few years after that my dad was in a position which meant it was “his turn”, he needed everybody, he had nothing to give back, none of us were pointing at my sister to “owe” more effort because she had received effort from him previously, we ALL did whatever we could to help him because he needed it most and we’re a family. Now I have a young child and it’s been “my turn”, when my sister has a child it will be her again.

It’s all a season and seasons change, if OP starts the “list the things you’ve done for me” then you’d have to really hope in a few years time she isn’t the one who is in greatest need and has alienated everyone by then from stepping in.

In future "it's unfortunately I can't take the time of work" if she ask you something like this again.

She needs to help her own spouse first before spending time with her grandchildren.

And you need to befriend people who live in your neighbourhood so if in future something like your boiler breaks down one of them can help you if they want to.

This is my mum & brother (although he’s always been the favourite / golden child).

She visits my brother at least every month & dotes on his child / her grandchild. Last Christmas she decided that she was only going to buy a present for this granddaughter (after Christmas we learnt this).

She’s visited me once in eight years (despite being constantly asked) and takes absolutely no interest in my stepchildren (her step grandchildren). In fact, in the 11 years I’ve been with my now DH - she’s met them once. She’s not interested at all. Would never think of sending a present or card. It’s so sad.

I learnt many years ago - you can’t control others & their actions but you can control how you react.

No, that is not what the OP said. Her mum refused to help the OP in that instance because she had planned to do her own food shop and cleaning then.

Why can you not cope with one sick baby? It can't have been that serious an illness if you were caring for the child at home. So what help did you actually need? Why would you be so OK with your mum letting your sister down last minute because you can't manage basic parenting?

Being a single parent can suck at times and it's reasonable to ask family to help out sometimes. But you shouldn't expect them to let others down because you can't cope.

Kids are a lot of work. It's unsurprising that your mum helps your DB more.

A family with children almost certainly would find extra help more welcome and necessary than 2 adults without children. It's also probably because she likes seeing her grandchildren when she helps. I presume part of what she does to help is looking after the children.

That said it does seem rather unkind that OP's mum prioritised her shopping over helping her daughter when she had actually asked for help. That doesn't seem very fair.

Perhaps you also need to be a little bit less available and only help when it's convenient for you.

Perhaps she had to go to work. Many of us need to and time off because of ill children can be very tricky.

My mum has done last minute childcare for me when my children have been too ill for school. It was very welcome help.

Yeah this sounds pretty crap OP. I certainly get more help from our mother than my siblings do (we all have children) but a lot of it is based on proximity - my mother and I live 5 minutes apart, whereas my DSis is almost an hour away, DB is 3 hours away.

BUT even given those distances my mother would have come to any of our houses to wait for the boiler to be fixed if asked, yes even for DB being 3 hours away. (My mother still works almost full-time and obviously would have needed to fit around that but as a shift worker she can often make things like that work.). What sort of a lame excuse is going to the supermarket anyway when that could be done any time?

So if I were you I would probably be a bit less helpful from now on. Not in a pathetic way, if you’re able to help because you’re not doing anything else on a Sunday afternoon then why not? But I wouldn’t be using up my holiday entitlements on them or anything like that.

I’m literally baffled that any woman would write this on a forum for parents🤣

ANY other thread with a woman posting about needing a bit of extra help with a sick child would be encouraged to lean on their village.

Also nowhere has OP said her brother expected their mum to let OP down FOR HIM. In fact in the one example given, her mum not coming had fuck all to do with her brother.

You think that every family is like yours. It's not. For lots of us the support NEVER comes our way. And actually for most families there is an attempt at reciprocity. The op had to take time off work so her brother didn't have to take time of his work. That's not ok and you know it.

That's not the point

Do you have other children you ignore?

grocery shopping?

I'd have helped in a heartbeat

I'm going to break my own rule here...

Be grateful you've got a mum

Me and hundreds (thousands) of women have to manage without.

And you've got one child?

Entitlement much?

You're taking annual leave to take your dad to the optician. Your mum has asked you to do this because she is looking after your niece/ nephew while your brother is at work.

Did you ask your mum why you were the one taking annual leave and not your brother?

And she prioritised going to do her shopping over waiting in for your boiler to be repaired, which left you without hot water and heating for an extra 4 days.

All the while you're being asked to sort their TV issues etc.

I can fully see why you're unhappy.

You are bitter.
Nowhere does OP think that she is entitled to her mother's help more than her siblings.
The OP is perturbed as to why her mother now doesn't help her at all, the very few times she asks for non taxing help , yet.feels no way with expecting the same amount of.help from the OP, as ever and without any expectation of help from the brother whose children she is always on tap for.
That is very much different from what you accuse the OP of and you need to stop lying on her name because something in her argument has made your head chip with.deja vu.

@EasyTouch , that was NOT addressed to the OP, but to a completely different MNer.

@tropicalroses have you talked to your mother about it?
Not in a ‘you’re always helping dbrother not me’ way (because the obvious reaction will be ‘you’re jealous’)
But in a ‘im actually helping you quite a bit, taking time off work to take dad to appointments etc…. But it feels like you never have time for me. I feel quite hurt’ type of way.

I get she has always been treating you two as an item. But maybe actually pointing out to her what’s going on will tip the balance again.

I think it’s also ok to say NO from time to time.
I mean just like it’s ok fir your mum to say NO because she is busy agd has lots of stuff to do, so are you….

It does feel one sided op but really it has nothing to do with your brother. Take him out of the equation and you're providing a lot of support to your parents and they aren't providing anything back. Which isn't right.

Just say back to her 'actually mum you don't do much for me. You are right you do enough for DB already but the one time I asked for anything you said no and to be frank, it's been really upsetting. I had to go 4 days without hearing whilst you happily help SN with his Internet or WIFI '. Just speak up

It isnt fair, but is there a chance this is just temporary? If he has very young children, she can't really ask him for help at the moment and she may also feel as if he needs her help right now.

She's not really doing it for your brother, she's helping her grandchildren.

So she's helping say, three of her kids/grandkids and you. There's more people she's helping now, so there will be less time for you, doesn't mean she loves you less. But these kids are also kids and will need a lot more care than a grown adult.

If you're unhappy, just speak to her about it. But you shouldn't be thinking of it as her helping your brother over you - she's helping her grandchildren, who are their own people.

The brother has other caring responsibilities, have you honestly never had young children? They are ill CONSTANTLY at nursery, and most have a 48 hour policy for d&v so if sick they can’t come back for 2 days, if they have another illness and aren’t well enough to go in then again you use annual leave to cover it and get paid.

Parents also have to use their annual leave to cover school holidays/inset days.

So.. no it’s not wrong. One of these people already has full time caring responsibilities, the other does not, you’re comparing apples & oranges.