My mum treats my brother and I differently since he had kids

[tropicalroses]

Just a passing thought after a comment I made on another post. My mum treats me and my brother differently since he had kids. She has always helped us out a little- nothing major, bits here and there. Since he had kids she bends over backwards to help him out, and often now can't do the occasional favour for me. She still expects me to step up and help her out from time to time, and not him. I know it sounds very transactional, but am I right to feel put out? I am feeling very much like spinster sister at the bottom of the pile.

My BF hates it and it has soured his relationship with my parents as he sees how being second choice is grinding me down.

So because you had to struggle nobody else is allowed to ask for support they DO have, okay sounds perfectly reasonable that

So I assume because some people can’t drive, I shouldn’t drive? Because some people can’t buy a house, I shouldn’t buy a house? Because some people can’t go on holiday, I shouldn’t go on one? Because those people manage without so I have to?

What a silly argument

Just say no. Starting from now. Next request that comes in say no. You don’t even have to justify it. No is a complete sentence.

just because your brother had kids and you didn’t doesn’t mean that you have to to everything. He needs to sort his own childcare out or maybe your dad should move his optician appointment

you are going to end up caring for elderly parents so set the bar now. It always comes back to family helps family but people only say that when it suits them.

do not get put down as power of attorney for them. Get your brother to do it as the golden child

I do nothing to help my mum. She is horrible and now it’s coming back to bite her as she nears 70 years old and none of her children even speak to her. Obviously I’m and extreme case but start putting yourself first. You are using your annual leave because your mum CBA to take her husband to opticians

This is bonkers. Definitely pull back. Otherwise You're basically You're subsidising your brother indirectly.

Did you say anything to her about that? I certainly would have! I would also have pointed out that she actually doesn't do a lot for your brother and you.
My siblings both had children a long time before I did (was 40) and I sympathise with the feeling that you are just the spinster aunt and things aren't quite as much fun with just you around.

*The issue is I have needed one occasion in the last four months, she was free that day and decided to go to Tesco instead and left me without heating or hot water for 4 days longer than I needed to be.

Since then she has helped my brother out 2 or 3 times a week, so conservatively 20 occasions. I am getting calls about going round to look at their internet and check their TV set up and need to take a half day off work next week to take dad to the optician.*

I get it. It's shit. The same happened to me and my older sister, the two without children, when the younger ones started having babies. Not my mother as we were both low contact with her by then, but our dad. It particularly hurt because he was always the one who got us and stood up for us. Now, suddenly his own children were sidelined - that's what it felt like anyway amd hell, that's what it was. We weren't important to him, the person who we should be entitled to be important to.

We did the only thing we could to protect ourselves and withdrew. When he realised (6 months later) we explained why and to give him his credit, he got it. Our relationship is good now and he understands that being a grandparent doesn't mean that he's not a parent too - to all his children, not just the socially acceptable ones.

Then be prepared for your other children without precious grandchildren decide that their time and money is best spent elsewhere when you remember they exist.

Oh and do stop the immature insults about a 39 year old woman. Ffs.

The brother also has a partner to share that load with. And I imagine that his partner has parents who could help too…

So it’s not like he is a single dad with nonsupport at all.

But more to the point, the issue here is expecting the OP to be available all the time whilst not helping her when she needs it. (Regardless of whether the reason is ‘helping her brother deal with his own dcs’)

Yes having small children is demanding. It doesn’t mean that everyone’s life in the family has to organised around them. Other people’s need dint suddenly disappear or become insignificant.
And, as over the MN saying, surely the parents knew about how demanding it would be, needing to take time off fur work and didn’t assume grandma would always step,up??

Yes I have had small children. And when my children were ill I took time off my work or their other parent took time off their work to look after them. We didn't have (not would we expect to rely) anyone else to do it. Parents in the UK are entitled to reasonable time off when their dependents are sick.

Never once would I have considered asking my siblings to take annual leave to take over my parents caring duties so they could take over mine. I just took time off my job.

You’ve totally missed the point. I’m saying her brother is far less likely to be able to take time off to attend appointments with his parent EXACTLY BECAUSE he has children which he cares for. As you said yourself, like all parents, he will be using all of his available time to take care of them, just like you want him to :)

That’s exactly my point, which again you’ve not understood.

Parents have to take time off to look after their kids, meaning they have far less annual leave to play with as a result to do other things.

But that’s not the OP’s issue is it?
She isn’t expecting her brother to attend appointments with their parents. She isn’t expecting him ‘to step up’ or whatever.

In some ways, the brother issue isn’t here nor there.
Its the expectations of support from her parents (she is taking dad to appointments) whilst they’ve unilaterally decided they won’t support her anymore/support her much less.

So basically her parents have decided that her needs aren’t as important as his (which is what you were arguing right? People have different needs at different times in their life).
Whilst expecting the same amount if support, if not more, from her. Actually probably more support because they can’t cope with the level of support Theyre giving to the brother (OP is taking her dad to appointment because her mum is now offering (too much?) support to the brother)l
How is that ok? If her parents can’t cope, it’s clashing with their own appointments, they should say NO right?

Are they the first grandchildren?

Maybe try see it from her point of view.
She is probably very aware she is getting older and these will be her only grandchildren. She will want to spend as much time as possible with them. Create memories that she hopes they will also remember. Before it's to late.
You are 39! And honestly if all you do is odd trip to a appointment for them or help with the Internet then that's hardly being a carer for them .
Have they been good parents up until he had kids? Have they not earned a little understanding? As it does seem very transactional for you no matter what you say .
Get this judgemental boyfriend of yours to help you more

I think things do change within families when grandchildren come along
When my sister had her DC things changed,but I was very much part of the changes eg instead of my sister and I doing shopping/cocktails on a Saturday we would do a family friendly thing like the park
I never resented anything my DP s did and in fact I spoiled my DNs rotten

Of course she’s expecting her brother to step up, she’s winging about the fact she’s the one being asked to do XYZ while he’s receiving support.

I’m really baffled by this obsession with idea that OP’s parents have to earn her help or support, since when are families so transactional? If my mum was supporting my dad or my sister (as she has in the last few years) then she would in turn need more support from me for other things, would I give her a hard time about needing support from me in order to help her support my dad/sister? No, because I’m not an arsehole, she’s my mum, and unlike what some seem to think real FAMILY isn’t transactional like that. It goes around and comes around.

I think you're missing the point.

Mum needs to take dad to hospital.

Brother asks mum to look after his child so he can work.

Mum gets op to take time of HER work so she can look after brothers children.

No one expected brother to take dad to hospital. But it's not unreasonable to expect him to look after his own child.

Why are you shouting the word FAMILY. You seem to be quite upset at the idea that different people have different families, boundaries and expectations. If you are happy to be a martyr because FAMILY then good for you.

You’re really not unreasonable here, OP. Certain posters will bash you for shits snd giggles. They’re best ignored.

The disparity in your treatment, plus the disparity in how much each of you do for your parents, would make most people resentful.

I doubt it’ll change, so I’d probably withdraw from my parents a bit. Don’t be there to solve their problems, let your brother do it. Who cares what they think? They already treat you unfairly.

I think that when people have young children they need more help than people who don't. I have done a lot for my sister this year as she has a toddler and has had a few issues. Not with the toddler, with other things. But, for now our relationship is one way and I'm helping her. I don't want her to help me at the moment. If I need help I would ask someone else.

So it must be really horrible that you are not being prioritised but surely that just makes sense if he is the one with young kids? If they were older and low maintenance then he shouldn't need much help but with younger ones then lots of families do help each other.

As your parents get older if you don't want to help them then point them in the direction of paid care or tell them you can't due to your full time job or whatever.
Again, if I was older I wouldn't ask for help from someone with young children and if I was helping someone with young children and if I helped them I wouldn't expect that help back any time soon.

I'm not saying my opinion is right but that's just my view. I have a 16 and an 18 year old so I assume that I'm not going to be priority in my large family for people helping out. My sister is the families priority at the moment and rightly so in my opinion. So I think your parents probably think they are going the right thing but if it's not what you think is right then just stop helping them.

With the boiler example I think if they had already committed to childcare or whatever they had agreed with your brother then they needed to honour it but it's a bit odd your mum couldn't come over if she was just doing her own house bits. She could have just picked up some bits for tea on the way home.

Or maybe she can stop being as helpful now?
I mean afterall, her parents decided to overbook themselves and say yes to the brother only because they thought they could rely on the OP to pick up the pieces…. (By taking time off to take her dad to his appointment).

Its easy to say you’re going to be nice and helpful when actually it’s someone else who has to make the real effort.

Sounds to me that EVERYONE needs to learn how to enforce boundaries. The OP and her parents. Instead of always been ‘kind and helpful’ to the same people

I don’t have children and I’m 40, all 5 of my siblings do. I adore all of my nieces and nephews, often in different ways.
Do you have an auntie relationship with them? You might find that helps a little with the jealousy?

However I’m suspicious that your brothers children are not actually the issue here at all and you are feeling frustrated and used by your parents. Worrying about assuming all of the care responsibilities of their old age approaching?
If you don’t want to or don’t have the capacity to help them with things, say that in the moment and stop being resentful.
Im about to really speculate now, but are you maybe feeling grief about not having your own children and it’s coming out as jealousy? If this might be the case, you could try therapy?

Hope it works out OP x

Edited to add: I found moving quite far away helped 😂

No it's not.

That poster was adamant because she had ONE child she deserved and was entitled to, all her mother's time and attention

My point is that a grown parent ought to be able to cope with ONE toddler and not be so demanding at the expense of others

That’s you not standing your ground, and that’s a problem with your mum, not brother or his kids.

Sounds to me to be favouritism, and very gendered at that.

You're the daughter so you're expected to provide the care. Your brother is only expected to take.

I'd bet my house if you were the one with kids or if you both had kids it would not be different .

It's not about which of you has kids. Your brother is the golden boy, who gets everything on a plate giving nitand you're there to provide care uncomplaining expecting nothing in return.

I hope she gets it. My mum was the doting, reliable grandmother for my cousin and brother’s children, then when it came to my turn she moved hundreds of miles away while I was pregnant with my first! MASSIVELY affected my mental health as it was the time I needed her support the most, (not burdening her with constant childcare, just a handhold through the early days really) but she obviously thought she was done with that stage of her life and fucked off. It’s really hard to balance my feelings of disappointment, sadness and anger with wanting my kids to have their other grandparents ‘in their lives’ and not cutting her out of our lives completely. In the immortal words of the poem ‘They fuck you up, Your mum and dad…”

Why do you need to take your dad to the optician? Why can’t he go alone?