My mum treats my brother and I differently since he had kids

[tropicalroses]

Just a passing thought after a comment I made on another post. My mum treats me and my brother differently since he had kids. She has always helped us out a little- nothing major, bits here and there. Since he had kids she bends over backwards to help him out, and often now can't do the occasional favour for me. She still expects me to step up and help her out from time to time, and not him. I know it sounds very transactional, but am I right to feel put out? I am feeling very much like spinster sister at the bottom of the pile.

My BF hates it and it has soured his relationship with my parents as he sees how being second choice is grinding me down.

But then in this example it actually has nothing to do with your brother or his children does it? She had things she needed to do, so she couldn’t help?

As I’ve said, relationships are peaks and troughs of needing help & being able to provide help. You haven’t said how old your brothers children are but I don’t think measuring a relationship based on pockets of time, especially where young children are involved is particularly helpful.

If you were to have children at some point you’d then be grateful for being priority for that period of time.

My BF doesn't live with me and has his own job. I am 39 so kids are unlikely, I think I am rebelling against becoming the default carer for my parents.

I think I am going to pull back from the whole thing. For me it is about how invisible it makes me feel in the family. People happy to run around after my brother, because "families help out" but then one occasion in 4 months and they can't help me. For me it feels like it should be reciprocal and its really not.

I could never treat my adult children the way your DPs are treating you. My DD has DC and I help as much as they need me to and the same goes for my DS who doesn't have DC. If he needs me I'll be there. I just can't imagine not. Just be as busy as your DM next time she asks for a favour, you reap what you sow.

Your feelings are valid. It sounds rubbish feeling pushed out but could you talk to your mum about this? And what about your brother, could you talk to him about it all? Maybe there’s a solution around the corner

I think given your update about taking time off of work to take your dad to an appt your mum is being a bit unreasonable. If the favours they asked of you were just "next time you come round could you sort out the internet we don't know whats wrong" then that's the average parent favour - frustrating but not really inconvenient.

But asking for you to use holiday allowance to do something for them, then not being prepared to go shopping on a different day for you, especially when the consequence is four days without heating in winter, is pretty poor.

They obviously have a right to have busy lives and not want to overcommit themselves but generally favours are pretty reciprocal - you take post in for someone who takes in post for you, you pick up some shopping for someone who gets your washing in if it rains, and you take a half day off work to help someone who will let the boiler people into your house at mild inconvenience.

Unless they've done a lot for you previously and feel you never bothered with them , or they live an hours drive away or some other dripfeed, I would be fairly upset in your shoes too.

I think I am rebelling against becoming the default carer for my parents

Then the issue you have is with your brother and not your parents.

Sorry I'm in a similar position. I know I can't be equal to both my children at the moment as their needs are different. I only have on DGC and frankly I think I have earned the right to spend time and money on them how I wish. You are being unfair. Maybe join in rather than being immature.

I think it was a bit crap of her not to help with the boiler if she was really just going to Tesco that day. I'm not surprised that you feel pissed off when you help her a lot. But I do think that's the correct metric here, how much help she gives you vs her you, not how much she gives you vs your brother. That's a separate thing. I also think you're seeing anything she does for the children as just help for him - you're classing them as an extension of him - whereas she sees it as helping with her grandchildren, who are separate and additional family members.

I think YABU a bit sorry. It is totally normal and nice for grandparents to help out with their grandkids. No it shouldn't be obligatory, but your mum is willing to do it and that's great - probably something she finds inherently rewarding as she loves her grandchildren, and also something that is great for the children (it takes a village and all that). I don't think she is required to give you an equal amount of her time. It is annoying she didn't come to look after your boiler that time, I am with you on that. But I don't think that has anything to do with her having a loving and involved relationship with her grandkids, and I think it is wrong to begrudge her that.

See I don’t think this is fair.

Her brother has children that he IS providing care for. Having children, caring for children and juggling all of the many things children need/do takes up a lot of time- he doesn’t have the same time available to help out or look after others. That’s normal.

Pre-children I finished work and my evening was my own, I could & did pop to my mums to help with things, I could spend my weekend helping to build furniture or sort out their TV, I could use annual leave to help out if/where needed. Now though, I finish work and have to get home and get sorted to go do nursery pick up, then I’ve got to get dinner done, bath & bed done, my weekends are busy with a young child and while I can & do still go help wherever I can it’s certainly not as easy as just going alone- someone has to watch my child, and our annual leave has to be divvied up to make sure we have enough to cover childcare, it’s not as easy as it was pre-children purely and simply because my time is no longer my own, I don’t have as much time!

But it sounds like it's seeing/spending time with the grandchildren that she's doing not helping out with adjusting tasks?

Your whole dynamic sounds odd, like everyone keeps score on who is doing what for whom.

My sister has kids, I don't. Mum and I both helped loads when kids were little because we love them.

Mum now needs help with parkinsons and I'm helping loads (took a three month break from work and moved cities to be there etc) because I love her and I want her to be ok.

I don't think my sister owes more help because she got help with kids. We're just a family rowing in when we can.

If it's driving you nuts just don't help your parents and don't expect favours either.

I think it sounds hugely disparate and I’m not surprised you’re feeling resentful. Next time your mum pulls the “I do so much for your brother and you” ask her to list what she’s actually done for you recently. I think your idea of stepping back a bit is a good one, if only for your own sanity. I suspect you’re getting some rather unpleasant replies from posters who recognise themselves in your DM/DB and don’t like the spotlight it shines…

I think you are getting a bit of the self-defensive "of course I deserve more because I have DCs" from the other posters, OP.
My DCs came along quite a long time after my DB's - DN1 is 21, DN2 is 18, and my two are 13 and 11. My DM couldn't do enough for them, she had one DN to live with her for a year, stayed for weeks on end so DB and DSIL could go away for work or just "a break". I understood and assumed it would be the same with us.

Now my DM can't stand my DS and totally favours DD. TBF, DS was in hospital and I was abroad with work and she did drop everything to come and stay two nights with DD, so DH could be with DS. But everything else is on her terms, she is rude to DS which (partly because he has SEN) makes him worse behaved. She massively favours DD, though she is less keen now DD isn't a toddler and can be taken round the charity shops in a buggy.

She will "help" us but only with things that she wants to do - she re-did our front garden, which was amazing, though we didn't ask her to and she kept on and on saying "I MUST come and do your garden" but then she was rude to me the other day because I said I was making a waistcoat for WBD for DD and she told me "oh I'll make her one out of this wild fabric I have" (sent a picture, I didn't see it for days, then said no thanks I've already made hers - which was plain brown for her costume - and she told me I was SO RUDE for answering her the way I did - not quite sure how to say "no thanks, I've already made one" any other way than "no thanks, I've already made one".

I agree with this approach. Definitely ask her what she has done for you recently as it maybe all getting muddled in her head as to what she actually is doing.... and this will hopefully make her think about it.

Oh well as long as you’re ok @HonestShaker bugger your siblings. SO ENTITLED!!

It's a tricky one. People with young kids do just need more help and also can't help others as much, as they are too busy with their young kids/it's impractical to bring young kids to help with certain things.

However I do think the boiler issue was one where she should have helped you, given all you do for her and the implications of her not helping. Could you have asked your dad/brother/sister in law to help instead? Did you spell out to your mum how important it was?

If she refuses again, maybe gently ask her if the help she's giving your brother is too knackering for her? She may be giving more than she wants to due to guilt/pressure.

I understand how you feel OP. It might be coincidental but sometimes there can be a gendered aspect to this in some families. Even while growing up the girls are expected to help, while the boys are helped.

"She still expects me to step up and help her out from time to time, and not him."
So next time, respond 'Sorry Mum, can't help you with that, why not ask Brother, I'm sure he'll be able?'

Similarly, when she wants to come "laying all her troubles at my door", be unavailable and point her towards your brother.

She can't have it both ways. And I'd be telling her that, too!

"I am getting calls about going round to look at their internet and check their TV set up and need to take a half day off work next week to take dad to the optician."
Definitely calls for 'Sorry Mum, can't help you with that, why not ask Brother, I'm sure he'll be able?' Especially taking time off work!

"I think I am rebelling against becoming the default carer for my parents."
You've had the heads-up on their expectations now. It might be worth having a good think about that, and take any opportunities that conversations present to let them know that they definitely should not expect you to become their carer further down the line. Unfortunately, this is still the expectation held over daughters, your mother is far from unique in that. But she can't have it both ways!

That was your life choice. Why should your siblings miss out because of it? Your entitlement is breathtaking.

Anyone could put off a bit of dusting and trip round tesco to wait in for the boiler man knowing you would have to wait an extra 4 days for heating and hot water in December!

I'd definitely take a step back from helping so much. That would have pissed me right off!

I think you're right to take a step back in this case, especially if they are suddenly wanting or expecting you to take time off work for their appointments.