My mum treats my brother and I differently since he had kids

[tropicalroses]

Just a passing thought after a comment I made on another post. My mum treats me and my brother differently since he had kids. She has always helped us out a little- nothing major, bits here and there. Since he had kids she bends over backwards to help him out, and often now can't do the occasional favour for me. She still expects me to step up and help her out from time to time, and not him. I know it sounds very transactional, but am I right to feel put out? I am feeling very much like spinster sister at the bottom of the pile.

My BF hates it and it has soured his relationship with my parents as he sees how being second choice is grinding me down.

Well don’t do them any favours then- just say your busy or have used all your holidays.

It's not so much about standing my ground, mum is batty about her grandchildren and overcommits and then that leaves my dad in a situation where he's calling me saying he doesn't know what to do because he can't get to the eye hospital for example.

The optician needs to do some eye drops that blur your vision and things- he wouldnt be able to drive home

So your mum can take him, no? She can ensure she's free/unavailable to do pick ups. Is she prioritising the pick ups over even your dad?!

Yes, I recognise this. I also get my mum phoning me and complaining about how exhausted she is helping them and off-loading on me.

Its not reciprocity though- I dont need it to be even, but when I need one piece of help it becomes very difficult. I am not expecting "even" to my brother, just the odd bit of relief.

That's exactly what I mean. She's committed to help my brother and then dad calls me not knowing what to do. She's prioritising my brother over everything

I help my mum out because I love her and would do anything for her kids and grandchildren. I wouldn't even know how many times she has helped my siblings out compared me as I wouldn't think to tally it.

He's not judgemental. He just doesn't like seeing things happen that upset me. And for me it feels nice to have someone in my corner for once.

"she would do anything to help her kids"

Kids ... Plural

In ops case it's only one kid getting any help. Op gets none. You are not in the same situation.

Would you tally it though if she always left you in the lurch though but would never dream of doing the same to a sibling?

Hate to say it, but sometimes the only way out of becoming everyone's thankless drudge because you're childless, is to move really, really far away.

It sounds like you have no support from your parents anyway, so you wouldn't have anything to lose. You might even feel better, because if it's not convenient to ask your mother on the rare occasions you need help, you won't - and won't find yourself back in the cycle of being let down by her. Not having you around might also be a bit of a boot up the bum for your mum, and wake her up to the fact the "help" is really flowing in only one direction.

Not practical for everyone, I know, but worth thinking about if you're worried this is going to be the norm going forward

OP's mum never helps her at all so that is entirely different from your situation as your mum will do anything for her 'kids', not just one 'kid'.

No, as me helping her isn't dependent on her helping me.

Aren’t you worried to be taken for granted then?

Like when there is an expectation for the OP to help and drop everything fir her parents fir appointments?

I mean fair enough that you don’t make it something that has to be reciprocated.
But my experience is that, when things are simply one sided, then you’re taken for a fool that will ask how high when Theyre told to jump.
It shouldn’t be like this. And if your parents are respectful enough to not take your help for granted, then great. But that’s not the OP’s case.

I'm not surprised that you're getting the "but of COURSE you shouldn't ask for anything of your parents, you've not reproduced!" schtick. I was once told on here that my parents cutting me out of their will in favour of my siblings (who all have kids) was totally fair enough, as they need money and I don't. Plenty of people on here think that parents are the only people with things to do and bills to pay.

YANBU. I'd recommend stopping doing anything using your annual leave, for a start. If you could wait 4 days without heating, they can wait until the weekend for a TV issue. People without kids so, so often become the default carers and the unequal load can breed resentment, especially when the parent being cared for has displayed loads of favouritism.

And as others have pointed out, it doesn't always equal itself out with time - some childless people go on to have kids only to find the parents were only interested in their siblings' kids, and some never have any, so will never benefit from a village despite being the expected villager in everyone else's.

Oh OP I totally get this and I’m really struggling with it now.

My sister had her kids young (18 and 21) and my mum and dad literally helped raise them.

I was always so close to my parents but was completely pushed out when my niece and nephew were born.
My parents helped my sister with money and she had thousands extra money then I ever did.
They helped her buy a house, paid for her driving lessons, bought her an expensive first car, paid for her wedding, took her and the kids on holiday etc…

I had to work 50/60 hours a week rarely seeing family, no one seemed bothered about what I was up to until my parents were dying of cancer.

Suddenly I was supposed to take time off - despite being single and having no one else to pay the bills and be there all the time. After my dad died my sister dumped her kids so much on my mum I very rarely saw her alone.
My partner lived in an area popular for tourists and my mum loved coming to stay, if it meant she couldn’t look after the grandchildren she spent her whole stay on her phone apologising to my sister.

When my mum was dying my sister was still dropping her kids off with her and wanted me to care for my mum the same amount as her (when she wasn’t working but getting paid) and her kids. I still had to work and it wasn’t possible.

In the nine months between my mum being diagnosed with cancer and then dying I saw her 3 times without my niece and nephew. I went to see my mum one day and she was too weak to get up whilst my nephew was standing on a stool trying to cook a tin of beans with the unopened tin in a frying pan with the gas ring on full.

One thing that I can never forget is my mum
saying to me “I hope you can forgive yourself for not spending more time with me” before she died.
I have never blamed myself for being unable to be at my pmums side 24/7 when I had to work and I’d been pushed out for years.

I got a lot less inheritance because it went to my sister for her kids, my sister still wanted some of what I was left and wanted me to step into my mums shoes with childcare.

I’m still very angry with my parents and hurt despite them being dead, I am NC with my sister and haven’t been since my mum died.

I completely understand the feeling of not mattering when you are childfree compared to siblings that have kids. The boiler example you used was similar to so many similar situations I was in.

I doubt your mum will see your point but don’t feel guilty if you are ever in the situation I was in. If you aren’t important to your parents now then they shouldn’t expect more from you later.

Exactly.

You don't get to decide that your mother's unpaid caring labour assisting family members should be directed in a way that's most convenient to you. If you don't want to take a half day from work for this, say so. Something else will have to be arranged instead.

By all means spell out to DM that she does not in fact do very much at all for you. But she's more than entitled to prioritise being with her GDC.

Why didn't your dad ask your brother to take him to the eye hospital?

I think I don't feel taken for granted as my siblings would also help my mum especially since my dad died a few years ago. If she asks one of us to help with something and we can't do it we would discuss with other siblings who can do it. It doesn't feel like it's all on one person. OP's brother can't help hem too much at the minute as he's the one that needs extra help but hopefully they have a good enough relationship that when his kids are older than he can also help his parents

So in the latest. I had asked for one last favour as a bit of a test and a one last chance. Plenty of notice, I said it was so I could go to work, in fact they don’t know yet I am pregnant and it was for a doctors appointment. Its been in the diary for a week, they’ve cancelled with less that 24 hours notice. I am so done 🤯

before you ask (yes the favour is dog related 🙄) our flat is having fire doors installed, the management company booked it for today and I can’t have strangers going in and out without supervision.

First things first - congratulations!

That is really shit. To agree and then leave you in the lurch must feel like (another) kick in the teeth. As well as the last straw.

Oh that's so sad @tropicalroses to have it smack you in the face just how thoughtless your mother is.

Will it change, do you think, when she knows you're pregnant? And how will you feel about that?

And yes, congratulations I hope you enjoy your pregnancy and baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy@tropicalroses
Lovely news . If l were you l would go to the
'we took you to stately homes' thread . Good luck 👍 🤞

Congratulations