Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

So just talk to him then but don't drag in money and fairness and DIL. Say you'd like to spend some quality time together around mother's day and could he please book somewhere or choose a suitable time to come over.

And I don't think the "being fair" at Christmas thing is actually a good thing. Family is everything and ot seems bonkers to be happy to miss out on 50% of your children's Christmases in the name of fairness.

What your DS does for you for Mother's Day is nothing to do with your DIL to be.

Just because DIL and her siblings go big does not mean she should step in and do the same for you, that's 100% down to your DS.

Unfollow them all on Facebook for a start.

If you didn't know this was happening, you wouldn't be upset by it.

Comparison is the thief of joy

My Mum threw a big strop last year because she saw on Facebook that my brother and his wife had taken out her Mum for a lovely lunch on Mother’s Day and bought her a voucher for a spa day. My brother had bought our Mum a card and a bunch of flowers (same as every year). And she was throwing her toys out the pram about being treated “unfairly”.

• What she didn’t consider is that she was quite a shit and emotionally distant parent when we were kids, whereas her DIL is very close to her loving Mum.
• She herself sends us a card and £20 cash every year for Christmas/birthdays (no effort or thought). But moans when we don’t lavish thoughtful gifts on her.
• DIL and Mum live in the same village, see each other regularly. Whereas my Mum lives a 4 hour drive away but only bothers to visit her son once per year, only phones him on his birthday and Christmas Day.
• Her Mum provides 2 days a week free childcare for their baby.

Of course they are likely to treat their Mothers very differently.

Im not saying the same thing must apply to you and your son. Just giving my own experience for context.

It depends on their relationship and whether they organise these things together or separately.
I’d organise a similar meal/flowers/gift for my Mum.
If my DP had absolutely zero input, encouragement or reminders from me, his Mum would be forgotten 😂
We’re NC with DP’s Mum now but last year we treated his Nan to flowers, a card and gift and she sobbed… she’d never received anything from “him” like that before. I said he must be getting sentimental 🙄😅

@Nconee have you posted before about the wedding dress shopping?

I feel so fortunate my DIL,although she would never put me before her own mum, she takes the term 'Mother-in-law' &
'Father-in- law' seriously. She makes sure we get the same treatment including how often we see our shared Grand children. My son is the same towards me. I've never felt like second best & nor should any parents on either side of the married couple.

@Nconee passenger assistance is your friend for train journeys.
My 89 year old dm uses it to visit my db. She struggles with mobility.

I was just about to ask that, but I thought its not the most important thing, but I'm nosey lol If you know she isn't keen on you then you know what you probably did to make her feel that way. If you didn't you'd say 'I don't know why she doesnt like me much, I've been nothing but nice to her.. ' etc.

You sound very jealous OP.

If you want to go out for lunch and have it put on FB, tell your son now so he has time to sort it out.

If going out is not normal for you then he won’t think about doing it.

This is not a DIL problem, leave her out of it.

He is actually very good at birthday and Christmas and their name is signed at the bottom of the card so I have seen nothing to say they don’t spend the same on both me and her mum for those.

Why are you even aware that there's no obvious financial unevenness here? I'd be very uncomfortable as either your child or child in law if I sensed you were gauging amounts spent on Christmas presents for each mother.
DH and I don't match budgets for this. I buy my mum something she'll like, he buys his mum something she'll like. We don't then discuss the cost to make sure it's even.

Why is it up to your DIL to arrange your present? You’re not her mum! That’s your sons job, if he wants to get you rubbish presents then that’s on him not her.

My DH is in charge of all gifts for his side of the family, birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day. He can ask for my opinion on what to get if he wants to but I’m not shopping for him.

Why is it your DIL's job to make sure you feel equal?

I didn't take my mil wedding dress shopping either, just my mum.

Yabu, it's your sons decision what to get you not hers. She's obviously closer to her mum

I've never once suggested it was her job. I just happen to have a wonderful DIL & surprisingly I happen to love her & I know it's reciprocated. She takes pleasure in helping to pick our gifts etc along with my son. Why is that so wrong. 🤔
I actually find all this seperation regarding in-laws on both sides quite alien to my own family dynamics with my son & dil but each to their own

@Nconee it's something you have to teach your sons to do when they're kids.

My DH is hopeless at remembering things like this despite my reminders. His mum usually gets a late card despite living near us. My mum lived 200 miles away and I send flowers, chocolates, a card etc... and video call her.

It's a bit late to say anything now to him. If you want to do something more elaborate then perhaps ask him yourself e.g. "perhaps we could go out for a meal on mothers day?"

@Nonrienderien nothing wrong with it. I was just wondering about your phrasing really, that your DIL "makes sure we get the same treatment". Rather than your son making sure of it.

Boys don’t do the same for mums as girls do unfortunately!! Women are always the ones to put the effort in, men just do something they think ticks the box (I have 4 boys 😅😅😅)

I am going against popular opinion somewhat and while I agree the load shouldn’t fall to the women to be the organisers of cards and presents for all occasions. There seems to be an accepted divide between being responsible for your own parents but surely y becoming partners or married you are also welcoming and joining the family also. So why not jointly decide what you are going to do for your parents instead of being so divisive and jointly celebrate and appreciate the occasion?

They both do😊

It’s your son’s responsibility to do something for you on Mother’s Day. I would speak to him about it. I do make sure DH is planning something for his mother, because I’m close to her and want her to feel appreciated. However, I don’t go with him to see her. That’s their time, mother and son, not my place to turn up
and hijack it.

Boys don't put in the effort where their pandering mothers don't expect it. It's up to you if this is funny for you or acceptable in any way. It wouldn't be for me but, just as long as you don't expect any women in your sons' lives to pick up the slack.

Precious, precious boys....

When I married my husband I didn’t join his family. I married him and we made a family.

There’s my family
his family
our family

His family and my family are kept well apart. Mine are my job his are his.

Oh dear!

Does this mean that the women can put their feet up then and expect their menfolk to do stuff equally when it comes to cards and presents for either mother?

I see this board around mother's day and the misery from lack of gift. I don't expect any of those posters to have daughters and that's where the disparity is. Boys are allowed to grow up incompetent; girls are not.