Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Why? It works for us. Our families are completely different with nothing in common apart from me and him marrying and having children. In fact at our wedding my family stayed one side and his the other barely a word uttered between them.

If he cannot be bothered to remember to buy a card for his dad till the day before that’s on him a grown ass man. It’s on the calendar of which I do already fill in the dates.

Your DILs name being on the card for Christmas etc is no indication of anything. I am pretty much no contact with my MIL and DH still puts my name on cards for birthdays & xmas.

My MIL to be wasn't& invited to dress shopping or anything wedding related when I was getting married, why would she?

It’s definitely not something where ‘they’ need to do the same. She treats her mum; he treats his mum. And, frankly, a card and small gift seems more appropriate than a huge fuss, from an adult child, especially if that’s always been the expected standard. If you want it to change, you need to discuss that with him, but not by comparison with her mum.

So if wives/DILs should remember this stuff, what did the men do before they married?

Have they gone from Mum to partners to spouse always doing this stuff?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

my brother was the same, my friends brothers were the same- they buy you a voucher or flowers but don’t go into the detail women do because women know what women actually want! No need to hate on men, my kids are great and help out at home but when they’re older they won’t know that an afternoon tea trumps flowers or that notebooks and books trump vouchers because they don’t think like women and that’s fine (I’ll take the vouchers😅)

Wouldn’t even cross my mind to get my mother in law anything.

i do all my Mother’s Day for my mum. My husband is his mothers child

But we've no idea of the conversation between OP's son and his partner.

She could have said "I'm going to take mum for lunch on Mother's Day, what do you have planned?"
Him "nothing on the day. I'll send a card and I've bought a present I think mum will like"
Her "ok.. well if you're sure, mum would love it if you came to lunch too if you're free"

If he thinks his mum is happy with what he gets her (and it sounds like she actually has been up until last year) why would he feel like he has to change it because his partner does something different? And why would his partner change what she does, or push him to arrange something else, just to make sure it's equal.

I think Mother's Day is something that is done very differently in different families, and there is no "better" way. I do nothing for Mother's Day (at my mother's request), whereas some families go all out and have certain traditions around it. I don't think that a couple need to change what they do to match each other.

The reason that mothers of daughters get better treatment on Mother's Day is because the daughters are female and women make the effort and care enough to make an effort.

Men, in general, do not. They don't think to do something nice in the same way that women do.

Your son could try harder and actually arrange something nice for you. It's not his wife's problem to make him do a better job of being your son. He should actually be ashamed to have gone along to a celebration of his MIL and not have similar for you.

I rang him and I am sad to say he won’t be coming to see me on Mother’s Day. We had an argument and he told me he’s sick of it all being on him all the time and I have other children. I’m devastated, I did everything for him when he lived here and as soon as he moved out I am treated like I’m nothing.

I dont even ask for much. We always did a take away because as I mentioned im not always well.

I don't 'hate on men'. I like men. Competent, decent men who can think for themselves about what to buy for their own mothers. Your poor little boys, when they are older they will be too selfish or stupid or mean to buy something that you, their mother would actually like. You say that yourself - and then go on to say that your boys are 'great'?

Raise them as you like but don't complain when you get what you've trained them for.

Your laughing emoji is getting on my nerves.

It sounds like your DIL and her siblings arranged a meal and flowers for their mum. It’s not her responsibility to arrange something for you also.

You said yourself that your son has always bought you a card and small gift. That’s what he has continued to do. You also have other children, what do they get you? Do they even visit on Mothers Day?

It sounds to me like a bit of jealously because your children can’t be bothered to arrange something for you. That’s not your DIL fault.

I can understand that it's upsetting but it's up to your son to organise something for you and for his girlfriend to organise something for her mum.

I get something for my mother, my husband gets something for his. It wouldn´t cross my mind to do something for my mother in law, she isn´t my mother. And mothers of daughters usually get a better deal because usually women make the effort to do something nice and thoughtful.

Your son gets for you as he's always done , your Dil gets for her mum as she's always done.

You sound a little jealous

But this is still on your DS - unless your DIL was preventing him from spending the same on you.

Oh my gosh OP. I’m not surprised it turned into an argument?! I was going to say - please don’t say this “I was thinking about asking DS to be mindful of treating us both the same this Mother’s Day.” but maybe it’s too late.

You sound like you are really over-thinking this but it’s not that deep.

You’ve never asked to be taken for a meal, bought flowers etc but now all of a sudden you want to demand this because that is what your DIL usually does for her mum? Do you realise how mad that sounds? Your family has their traditions and her family has hers. You should apologise to your son.

Can't you get a train? It seems very sad that you don't visit. Do they live in very inaccessible places?
I have disabled friends, and they travel by train by asking for support when they book. The train company makes sure someone is there to help them get on and off the train. If your children are able to meet you at the train station you should be able to travel to see them.

Was that money for a joint gift though? I don't know anyone who doesn't have their own bank account. If they're both working then they both have their own money and can choose to spend it as they wish. I would talk to your son about how it makes you feel unappreciated if you have a decent relationship with him but honestly it should have been talked about years ago and aside from any relationship he has.

I'm sorry that you have had an argument but it does sound as though things have been simmering for a while with your posts.

He obviously does feel that you place all the responsibility on him when you also have other children.

I would take a step back and cool down and then build bridges for the future.

You say DIL isn't keen on you. Can you reflect on the reasons for this? They might well be the same reasons that your son is distant. My first guess, based on your posts, is that you're a bit needy and emotionally overbearing, and also quick to lay the blame for your son's choices at her door. In this case, it's easy to see why they gravitate more to spending time and money with her mother.

The other obvious answer is that your DIL expects her adult partner to decide what he wishes to do for his mother and she puts arrangements in place for her own, and her DIL is better brought up more thoughtful and therefore does more.

I'm sorry to read your update, OP, but I think you're making a mistake. You shouldn't feel your son is obliged to make more effort to you because he lives closer to you than his siblings, or because his partner has a different relationship with her own mother. It's too demanding. You can't expect to guilt him into doing what you want because you 'did everything for him'. That was your choice, and he's entitled to make his own in life. You're in danger of pushing him away IMO.

This isn't the first time you've posted about your 'DIL' is it?

Your son is responsible for your mother's day. Mothers day is a load of commercial shit. Why are you worked up.

He is right though. You have said that you don't expect your other children to visit you but you are telling your son that you are sad that he won't be coming to see you on Mother's Day. Why are you holding your son to different standards?