Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Oh and I’ve already given my mum her Mother’s Day gift as I won’t be seeing her.

No idea what dh is doing for his mum but we won’t be home or even in the city for him to see her either. His issue not mine.

Maybe the huge flowers and cake were a joint gift from her and her siblings?
Your ds is doing what he has always done and I expect his partner is doing what she has always done — you’re not being slighted in any way.
I have no idea what my DDs contribute to or arrange for their MILs or if their husbands sort stuff , I’ve no interest.

It's the same for many mothers of sons.
My DM can never understand why DB and SIL spend so much time with her DM and DF on special occasions and never with her.
I tell her that DSIL facilitates her family gatherings and DB should facilitate his, but it makes no difference she still thinks DSIL is shutting her out and bieng unfair.

I treat my Mum and Mum in law completely differently. One has brought me up, the other I met at the age of 29 and have nowhere near the same bond with. What I choose to spend on my Mum has no relevance to what my DH spends on his. I was spending £100 on my Mum for years before I met my DH who has always got his mum a card and a tenners worth of flowers. Now - I’m not downgrading my Mother’s present, so if he wants to upgrade his Mum’s present to match what I spend on his Mum then that’s on him.

It’s difficult to say why you are not close to your DIL , it might be so simple as they are very close family and she doesn’t see the need to have another close relationship with you, she sees this as your son problem. I actually think that she’s wrong, of course it’s on him but it’s not so simple e.g she is tagging him with her but not joining him to go to you. And it’s just one example I’m sure there are others.
However you shouldn’t put it so plainly that they need to spend the same amount of money on you, as it might be that her family more involved financially or it’s her own money. The joint account thing is neither here nor there. They might have 2 joint accounts and 2 separate ones. So I would be careful around this. I would try to be more involved into the wedding, practically, and try to invite both of them around/ out or at least mention that you expect them to come together at least some time.
By the way do you usually give your DIL present on her birthday?

I don’t drive and I have a disability that means I cannot get on a train or bus without help.

Exactly. This is SO frustrating. I didn’t have my MIL come shopping for my wedding dress because I absolutely do not know her as well as my own mother because - shock - MIL is NOT my mum! Everyone is different and for me it felt very personal and very stressful and I needed an appropriate support group around me. MIL does not feature there.

OP, you are letting your precious son get away with murder while you’re busy framing your DIL. I love my in laws, but they are my DH’s responsibility, and likewise my mum is my responsibility. If you haven’t brought up your son with the expectation of him making more effort to celebrate you, that’s on you, NOT your DIL. Now he is older and has her example set for him, your son not making as much effort as her is not her responsibility, it is his. If you want more from him, tell him it would mean a lot to you to be taken to dinner for Mother’s Day rather than have a present. No big deal, just effective (and nonjudgmental) communication.

YABU. DIL did this with her siblings, your son joined in. I wager she did this before your son was on the scene.

Your son is responsible for what he, your son, arranges for you on Mothers Day.

In my house, we’re responsible for our respective parents. If you prefer the treatment DIL gives to her DM then you need to tell DS to up his game. But frankly I can’t see how this is DIL or her DM’s fault or problem. This is firmly between you and DS.
It sounds like your son is showing up as he always has, so you’re gonna have to communicate with him if you’re moving the bar.

Yes YABU. You are the mother of the child you raised. It’s his responsibility to sort your gift.

Exactly this! In what planet is the DIL responsible for her husbands mother. Total madness.

Sounds like your son was lazy about mothers day then and is lazy about it now. Out of sight out of mind. I het he's also shit at your birthday and Christmas gifts.

And if "they" are spending joint money on her mum, it's is still your son choosing not to use the joint money on you. Its not like there is only a tenner in the account and they are spending it all on DILs mum.

Can you accept that your son is at fault here?

The planet where mums are mad at their son’s behaviour but couldn’t possibly blame him as they raised him so must be the evil man stealing dil.

you need to be careful OP, you can’t directly compare your gifts and MiL gifts. You don’t know enough about it- very possible her and her siblings all chip in for a joint present for their mum. Even if not, if that’s what she’s always done, why should she change it? The same as your son hasn’t changed what he does for you.
Also not really sure why you would be put out that you weren’t invited to the dress fitting, of course her mum is going to go, it’s her mum! I don’t know anyone who invited MiL to dress fitting (unless v close). It’s for the bride’s side. You should be more put out your son didn’t want you involved with his outfit picking, ie the groom’s side.
i think in short, this is very much your son and very much not your DiL so in order to preserve any relationship with them going forward you need to tread very carefully with the negative attitude you have about DiL

Try not to overthink OP
I so hope when my DS meets his future wife we get on.
I sort of know we will I don't know why but that's just me being weird !!
Anyway ... perhaps spend some time getting to know your future DIL better?
Be the better person
They may well have children together and this will get bigger possibly
See the seeds of a healthy relationship now so you can be part of the next chapter without worrying about what they're doing with the other mum
Focus on what they might like to do with you x

Tell your son that whilst she can do whatever she likes with her mom, you’re his mom & that you’d like to continue with the takeaway or meal out.

Are you even sure DIL had anything to do with the organising of last years Mother’s Day? Could have been all done by her siblings and they just turned up. Don’t turn this into a competition before they are even married.
And why is it just the one of your children who is in trouble for not putting sufficient effort into Mother’s Day? Or is he your favourite? 😁

Sounds as if you @Nconee are buying into the societal stereotype that women do the caring stuff and men are too busy and important to be expected to think about that, so the bar for gifts from your son is very low- but now he’s getting married, you’re eyeing the bar set by his partner for her own mother and wondering why she isn’t arranging the same for you. Can you see how sexist and unfair that is?

I don't get involved in cards and gifts for my MIL either. I will remind DH but whether he does or not is up to him.

My MIL also felt that she was excluded from wedding planning and my family took over. She expressed this after the event. At no point did she ask if there was anything she could help with or ask how things were going though. My family were involved because they proactively supported us and tried to help, I didn't ask them.

I'm not suggesting your situation is the same, but on the off chance... Maybe before the event is the time to offer your support and ask if there's anything you can do to help.

You can’t really make demands on someone else’s money. You must take me out for food isn’t reasonable.

Asking to spend time together sure but demanding dinner not so much.

I think you really need to reframe your thoughts on all of this. You were perfectly happy with the type of gift your son has historically given you and having a takeaway or going out to eat.

Just because your DIL has always had different traditions with her own mother why should everything be the same now? You have your family traditions and she has hers.

Be careful in doing all these comparisons. You even mention that you weren't asked to go dress shopping. Firstly this is something that most brides do with either their mother, sister or best friend not their MIL. Then you also mention that you have disabilities so actually perhaps it would not necessarily have been practical for you to do so? Are you just looking for things to feel unhappy about here?

He is actually very good at birthday and Christmas and their name is signed at the bottom of the card so I have seen nothing to say they don’t spend the same on both me and her mum for those. They don’t spend Christmas Day with either of us to make it fair

It’s your son’s job to organise you a Mother’s Day present, not your DIL! 🤦‍♀️ And don’t be judging them for how they spend their money. That’s a sure way to give yourself less time with him/them.

I didn't see the reference to wedding dress shopping @friendlycat
Agree
I got married 18 months ago and it wouldn't have crossed my mind to ask future MIL along and we have a very close relationship
That's a mum / daughter or best friends time for most.

Are you paying for the wedding?