Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

I’ve never gotten my MIL anything for Mother’s Day in the 17 years I’ve known her (same for birthdays). Sometimes I don’t even know what she’s been given until she messages to say thank you! 😂 All Dh, it’s his mum. I’m NC with my mum but before that, I organised everything for her. We never would have thought to coordinate or compare. Maybe you ought to poke all your dc a bit harder and make it clear you’d like the all to come for the weekend and have a nice meal out and a cake.

You've made that up based on nothing!

Give the lad a chance. Many teenagers are selfish because they don't really have to think about anyone but themselves. I know there's a bit of nature thrown in too but I don't think you can judge a 14 year old on this.

Don’t fall into the trap of blaming your son’s behaviour on your DIL.

YABU.
How you are treated on mothers day is up to your son, and that hasn't changed so you have no reason to be upset.
Why should your DIL (who you obviously don't have a great relationship with) be expected ti be responsible for the relationship between you and your son ?
How she treats her mother is up to her.
Don't be the MIL who holds the DIL responsible for keeping up her DH side of the family relationships and gift giving etc, if you didn't raise your son to be thoughtful and generous then that's on you, not her to pick up the slack.

Getting an impression your other children are boys? This is classic cult of boy mum.

As the MIL I had no involvement in the planning of either weddings just turn up on the day. I had great fun buying a wedding dress for one DIL which I appreciate. We had a couple of great days out on that.

We've done more than a few delayed events over the years because sons were away on business at the wrong time. Think we did mother's day the following weekend once. The grandchildren tag along always

Are you housebound?

I'm a boy mum x 3.

So you're upset because your DIL-to-be makes a bigger effort for her Mum on Mother's day than your son does for you? Grow up OP.

The future mother in law of the son in law would be the mother of the bride so hardly up to the son in law...

I'm afraid we're very traditional then (though in many ways we're not!). I work p/t and my husband works f/t so I'm happy to organise gifts. Plus I enjoy doing it (my DH shows care in other ways but he is not a party/gift organiser).

I've been with DH for 30 years and I've virtually from the beginning organised a Mother's Day and gifts for MIL in conjunction with my sis-in-law. We're close.
Since my Mum moved closer, she's invited too (and we take turns in hosting, one year it's me, the other it's my sis-in-law - and she invites my mum too!).

I give my mum and MIL the same gifts.

I feel lucky we're all so close.

Thank you, I need this!

Where on earth do they live that it's impossible to get to them?

I do feel for you, but it sounds like you feel a bit abandoned by all your children, and rather than acknowledging this, you have shifted the blame to your daughter-in-law.

Sorry but I have three sons and YABU

It is also really unfair of you to put the blame and ownership on your DIL for your son’s perceived lack of thoughtfulness. If you were happy with the gifts you received from your son before he got with his wife to be then nothing has changed, except you are blaming her. It’s total and utter sexism.

I agree with you. In my first comment I said that making it about the money is off. It would never occur to me to stipulate that anyone should match anyone else's gift giving exactly!

I was simply commenting that even when couples do have joint money it's not like both parties split everything right down the middle for literally everything.

I think perhaps you are as you sent the money to them both. I expect they also have their own accounts as well .

Organise something you’d like with your son. Whether it’s lunch, shopping for something, enjoying an exhibition or another event. You need to plan these moments now that you are no longer living in the same home. It only takes a bit of initiative.

I buy my mum flowers and a card for mother's day. My partner buys his mum a present usually a plant.
Over the years I've done various things for my mum but learnt that the thing that "counts" as a mothers day gift in her eyes is a bunch of flowers. She gets a nice bunch from the supermarket whilst I'm doing a shop I don't put much thought into it, I'm just do it for an easy life. The times I've put effort in and done something nice it's been thrown back at me because mothers day means flowers. Often if you compare mine and my partners gifts mine looks more better in a photo but his has more meaning and thought behind it.
Don't overread a photo!

OP you won't get far blaming your Dil. Nor by making your son feel guilty and uncomfortable. Remember that they will only see you if they want to so it's on you to make sure that they want to see you, that they feel happy when you're around, that they feel grateful, because of your kind and caring personality. You will get nowhere relying on some sense of duty or obligation. And even if you could rely on this, why would you want to?

It's ludicrous to expect Dil to have anything to do with mothers day.

As for your son, you need to play the long game, don't complain that he never comes round etc, be kind and supportive of his relationship and things will likely improve in the future.

I'm sure it's been said, OP, but your relationship with your son is going to be different to anyone else's relationship with their own mother. In my experience, women do more for their own mothers than sons do for theirs. I'm sure that's not the case for all but it is my experience.

Best thing you can do is stop comparing, mute facebook and accept that your son doesn't do much (but you were happy with that). Or, talk to your son.

Do not though make your daughter-in-law to be responsible for your mother's day things. That's for your son to do, you are his mother, not hers.

The infamous MN saying. You don't have a DiL problem. You have a son problem.

Totally up to him if he wants to make a big fuss of you on Mother's Day. If he doesn't, it's 100% on him.

Seems to be a lot of finger pointing at dil.

He likes roast so must be her stopping him. Maybe they have their own roast.

She didn’t invite you dress shopping. Never heard of the mil going.

He didn’t take you out like she took her mum out her somehow this is a her thing again.

You don’t think she likes you as she’s close to her family. Or she’s just close to her family and takes her partner’s lead on when to see you.

If he wanted to take you out or order in a take away HE would. He only did it before it seems because he lived with you and now he doesn’t because his having dinner at home with his future wife, or she’s invited him to tag along with her mum or maybe he asked to join her mum.

Joint account doesn’t mean they don’t also keep their own separate fun/present funds.

Neither me or my husband have changed our gifting style since we got together. Both get a card and some kind of present but since I've had kids we tend to do stuff as an immediate family like go out for the day somewhere. If plans align we will also visit one of our mum's (usually MIL just because of distance)

This year we probably won't because we can give her her present a couple of weeks later when she's visiting. She will get a card and a text on the day just like my mum will.

I usually do end up prompting my husband to make sure he organises something and I will always send her a message myself but it's my personal choice because she does a lot for us and I want her to feel appreciated. She doesn't expect me to organise anything at all just like my mum doesn't expect any communication from my husband (she's probably surprised everytime I remember to post a card tbh)

It should always be the responsibility of the adult child to organise their own mum's mother's day, not their partner.

@Nconee its shit but it’s up to your son to say to wife to be . I’m going to plan for us all to go for a meal with my mum too .
Id stay of social media this year and mayeb day to your son how you felt /feel