Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

I was in your son’s situation.
Guilt trips, jealousy, manipulation and so on. My Mum too was/is ill, I’m an only child so I’d get it all.
We’re no contact now, and I have so much peace in my life.
I love my Mum, but I don’t like her because of the way she made me feel for so long.

Don’t push your son away, apologise and take it from there.

This isn’t your daughter in laws job to arrange your present. Next year simply ask your son if they want to go out for a meal on Mother’s Day. Or after Mother’s Day. You could always hint that you like flowers too.

Have you found a portal to the 1950s?

They may have a joint account to save for the wedding or to pay bills, but then personal items are bought from their own money left over. Lots of couples do things this way.

Daughters are naturally closer to their own mother than mother in law.

My mil probably feels similar. Before kids I had more time and energy and would get the presents for special occasions as husband is forgetful and like all men, we do it better than them. Since having kids the relationship has changed with my mil because I leave it to my husband to get her gifts and make the effort but he doesn’t as much as I used to so the relationship has soured a little.
My point is, she’s doing for her mum and he’s doing for you, that’s how it should be. Shouldn’t be down to your DIL. If you’re upset about it, speak to your son.
it annoys me that the females always get the blame for this stuff. Ofcourse the sons can do no wrong and it must be the DIl fault (eye roll)

I wouldn’t do this. You sound rather high maintenance, I feel a little sorry for your daughter in law.
My advice would be to come off social media and stop comparing.

I’m so sorry OP, men are selfish 💔 . Do you have any daughters?

Men are selfish????

Her son was her caretaker for years!

Hardly selfish.

And she hasn’t seen her daughter for 5 years!

Do you know for a fact every single penny of both of there’s is going in a joint account? There is every chance they have some of their own money still, his gifts to you haven’t changed over the years so I don’t think you really have anything to comment on

Yes men are selfish.
He doesn’t have to be her carer but how hard is it for him to spoil his mum a bit on Mother’s Day the same as his partner spoils hers? Especially when she is obviously lonely and in poor health.
this scenario isn’t a unique problem isolated to this family, it’s a widespread pattern. Men can’t be arsed to make an effort with their families and their wives get the blame.

YABU.

This is how he has always treated you, that is how your DIL has always treated her mum.

Get over it

This has got to be a reverse or someone taking the mick

I see where you’re coming from but that would depend on if they have separate money. It seems they’re sorting out their own Parents for now and possibly using their own money to fund it. This may likely change when they’ve been married a while.

He made more effort than any of his siblings, was essentially guilted to be a live in carer when he’s obviously young and just starting his own life! Do you have any idea what effect that has on a person’s mental health - it’s hard enough for older people with elderly parents! He sounds absolutely worn out from being his mum’s only go-to person, and it’s not like he’s never done anything. I read about selfish men on here all the time, I’ve seen certain posters defend men and their shitty attitudes, this is very clearly not the case here.

This is crazy. "If she’s minded to not bring the family together you’ll need to speak to your son to cover for her." If a woman doesn't arrange mothers day gifts for her fiancé's mom, her fiancé will need to cover for HER!?

It's not her job! And she has 4 or 5 children. As the fiancé of the youngest one, I would NEVER think it was my place to arrange her mother's day. Most people would see that as overstepping and strange to do.

Your DS showed his love for you in a way that he has always done; with a simple card and present. His MIL is probably used to a different experience on Mother’s Day. Presumably, his GF arranged it. I think you can both be appreciative of what you received. Unless you’ve seen any evidence that your DS feels differently about you, I shouldn’t be concerned.

My DH has a great relationship with his mother. If he didn't I couldn't live with myself as a dil if I didn't step in to help.

I don't have a great relationship with my mum, and I would find it supremely annoying if DH interfered.

In my relationship, Mother’s Day, Birthdays, Christmas presents etc are organised by the individual “child”. I.e husband sorts his mum’s, I sort mine. I couldn’t even tell you what my husband has bought his mum in the past or what he’s planning to buy her this year. I have enough on my plate without taking on his mental load too.
Nothing to do with how I feel about my MIL. She could be the greatest or worst human on earth and it wouldn’t change a thing about how much input I have in her celebrations or gifts.

If she’s minded to not bring the family together you’ll need to speak to your son to cover for her.

WTF, why have you automatically assigned all of this blending of families to her? Naughty little wife not doing her social duties, now a poor man might have to buy his own mum a present.
The 'DIL' in this case isn't even married to the son, but she's being expected to do more for her boyfriend's mum than all of said mum's actual kids are.

Your dh left because he could cope to your demands. It fell on your ds and now he's moved on with his life rightly so.You don't see your other dc because your demanding and needy nothing to with alcohol. Plenty of adult children see their parents who have disabilities and have their own families they just don't do living care for them

I agree

You're not her mum, you're his mum.

If you're hoping he might up his game now he has her positive example, fine.

This sort of sh1t really grinds my gears. Your son is your son. You brought him up. Why do we as women seem to blame the woman in a situation like this? It's clearly down to him.

🙄

You've concluded that she doesn't like you much, and that this has anything to do with it. I'm not surprised she doesn't like you if this is your attitude.

The 'DIL' in this case isn't even married to the son, but she's being expected to do more for her boyfriend's mum than all of said mum's actual kids are.

This! There are excuses for why the OP's actual children can't possibly do anything useful, but she's a complete bitch for not driving out of her way to collect the OP to take her wedding dress shopping and special lunches!

I think that what now do for their parents pn Mother's Day and other special days is well out of control and has been for years.

Nearly evey. event has now become very competetive and been manipulated by the Media and Business into a Spendfest.

Speaking as a Love Goddess but "oldie" back in the day when people were more down to earth, realistic, did not have huge expectations, entitlement issues and maxed out credit cards.

The vast majority of Mothers, rich or poor would be thrilled to receive a card and a bunch of flowers from their children and grandchildren. Wherever they lived.

My mother was chuffed to little mint balls, when we gave her a bunch of lovely fresh daffodils

Get real People

After all it's the thought that counts

And Happy Mothhers Day to all Mothers outthere

Best Wishes
,,,👸
💐👍😻
Xxx

and a happy Mothering Sunday to you too!