Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

I only buy a gift for my mum, I don't contribute towards my MILs mothers day gift and my husband doesn't contribute towards my mums, I don't think it's fair to put the blame of this one onto your DIL.

I have different feelings than most of you. My mother in law is no longer living and my mother is 93. When I married my husband I had a dinner on Mother's Day for both mothers. I know my mil's feelings would have been hurt if she was excluded and I would never do that to her.I guess it depends on the relationship between mil and dil.

It sounds bad, but very similar in my house and I've been with my husband for 20 years. My sister and I, will always take my mum out for lunch/dinner and spoil her for the day. My husband gets his mum a card. I used to try encourage him to at least buy some flowers, but he said they didn't celebrate it growing up. His dad didn't really help the kids to make/buy cards when they were younger and he doesn't remember his mum ever making a fuss of his Grandma.

There is a quote “A son is a son until he takes a wife”. I think it’s time to try and increase your own social circle and try new things. Don’t be there when your children ring. Try and grasp back some independence so that you don’t feel like a “burden” - enjoy your life without having to rely on them. Good luck.

Have you apologised to him yet OP?

Been with my partner since 2003, we got married in 2015 and had our first child in 2017. Right up to having children we did Mothers Day/Fathers Day and Christmas with our own families. Once we had children we switched to alternate years with each family with the exception of 2018 (the year Christmas after my Mum died when we hosted everyone) and last Christmas (his families turn but my sister died and that leaves just Dad and me).
On Fathers Day (Mothers Day no longer really applicable as my Mum has died) we try to ensure the kids see both Grandads and pass on cards/pressies but he is responsible for getting something for his Mum/Dad and me for mine.

I think it all depends on what you prioritise. I have a busy job and two small children yet I make the time to see both my family and his because it’s important to us both that our children have the family connections and relationships.

I have extended family who live 2.5 hours drive away and we see them at least 3 times a year. I guess it’s about priorities.

if you would like things to change I suggest you have a frank conversation about it with your family x

I hope you are you DS make up and you enjoy Mother’s Day op x

That doesn’t mean anything. My DP and I have a joint account and our own accounts. However when his parents give us money for Christmas we ask for it to go in the joint account as we will spend it on house projects.

They may be planning to put it towards the wedding for example.

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP and I really feel for her, her situation is one most people would feel a bit down about so don’t feel some of these comments are very sympathetic. I am sure your son has felt pressure being the one near by, maybe if you leave it a few days and then possibly reach out and acknowledge this with him it could help rebuild the relationship. Also do your other children realise the extent of your disability day to day? They may not realise how much they all need to make just a bit more effort/how you are feeling if you are always ‘letting them off due to being busy with their own children’ etc. I live 3 hours away from my disabled mum (thankfully my dad is there) and I visit 3/4 times a year staying 1/2 nights (my dc go more often as my dad will meet me and they will stay a few nights during easter and summer hols). If I knew she was feeling lonely I would certainly make more effort to see her even if it was just another couple of times a year. I am
glad you have friends and sisters near you ❤️

There is a quote “A son is a son until he takes a wife”.

Well some sons are less interested in keeping in touch than daughters.

It's nothing to do with them getting married!

You trained your DS and it seems like you were happy with that until he met his fiancée. Nothing has changed and having a joint account means little. I have an adult DS who is married with a baby. I know I'll receive a card and large bouquet of flowers.
Before their baby arrived his DW went out with her DM and DS came out with DH, myself his GMs and our other two young adult DC.
This year I expect he will spend Mother's Day with his DW and DD as it's her first. I raised him to celebrate Mother's and Father's Day in a way I wanted it celebrated. I admit I make a big fuss of their special days too. What DIL does with her DM is none of my business and what she receives isn't either.

Yes, you are. I have a joint account with my husband but we pay individually for parents gifts. We pay equally into the account but hold back money from our own wages into our own accounts. You are being very unfair towards DIL

OP this is on your DC not your DIL and not just your DS. I have children and we are busy but I still would always make time to see my parents equally when they were still here I would travel to see my GP’s who lived a couple of hours away. I would be telling them all how you are feeling.

Secondly it has never been my responsibility to organise a gift for my MIL that was my DH’s and it is not your DIL’s responsibility.

Absolutely. My late MiL was adored by all 4 of her sons, and despite distance at times was very much at the heart of all of our families.

Why is it all “coming out of the same pot regardless”? Do you know how they manage their finances? My husband and I pay into a joint account for joint expenditure but I sort Mother’s Day for my mum from my own pot, as does he. It’s up to him what he does for Mothers Day.

Talk to your DS.

It's not unreasonable to want to be treated equally but that is not on your future DIL it's on your DS.

The curse of having a son...

I find this developmental psycholgy fascinating. How Mothering Sunday has changed from the meaning of return to mother church to this crass and commercially promoted day where some mother's are questioning the amount spent on a mother including the OP.
I am also guilty of this. My late DM and I were very close so she was always delighted with a Mothering Sunday card and some daffs or tulips, or something I had made for her. When first married I would fall over myself to try to make my late MIL happy. Went to extraordinary lengths but never did! Always wanted more and definately counted the amount I had spent on her. Awful parsimoneous person. Fortunately she was divorced whn I met her from husband 3. When actual FIL returned to the UK ( before DCs were born) he brought his simply lovely, fun an affectionate wife who truly became my MIL and BF. Both are sadly missed. DH did not contribute to any of this Mothering Sunday/Mother's Day event as he never had historically. I think my DCs have seen how I behaved to both DM and 2nd DMIL. Trying to bring smiles to all and sundry. Each Mothering Sunday they will "surprise" me with something home made or a treat - I affectionately remember a particularly fun picnic in the garden for DM, MIL and I a few years back when the DCs made paper bunting and invented some mother related games for the DGMs and I:) Also breakfast in bed for me (mast mother standing) the past few years - I cannot put a price on their smiles and I do feel like a queen for the day. My favourite gift was from my DD who said she would do the vacuuming for a month and persuaded DS to agree to put out the bins. Please do not think this is a competition OP. As others said, your DS is doing what he has always done, as is his partner for her DM. It is not about money. Have a happy Mothering Sunday. x

Your other kids don’t visit you, and your ds wasn’t allowed to move out because he was your caretaker?

I think there is a lot of dependency on your son that needs to change.

The money things is kind of a non starter. Assuming they both have access to it, she chooses to do X that costs Y, as she always has done. He chooses to do A, that costs B, as he has always done.

YABVU. You’re behaving like a 5year old.

You sound like an absolute nightmare to be honest. You basically made your poor son your surrogate husband/carer.

Do you ever think it was hard work for him driving you about everywhere and looking after you? You need to start taking care and responsibility for yourself if you are that unwell.

Hes not the one making an effort with his MIL, his wife is. If he is happy to tag along with them that's up to him.

You sound entitled, moaning about not being invited to the dress fitting etc. I don't blame your DIL at all.

It’s up to your son to sort you out on Mother’s Day, not your DIL. She has obviously sorted out her own mother.

Really sorry you need to get a grip (MIL of 20 years+ here) Expect nothing. Everything that comes is a bonus. People are not all the same, don't react to others the same and don't see things the same. In any case what about the remaining 364 days in the year they are just as ,if not more, important.
What do uou mean not keen on you? It takes lots of effort from both sides consistently.

You are not her mum. YABU.

You have a son problem. He could take you for a meal buy a bouquet of flowers . It's not up to her.
Maybe she's always done big for her dm.

We don't go ott with either. Usually flowers or perfume. Both dms are hard to buy for.
This year we've got mil perfume my dm wanted m&s voucher . It's what they want / like. They'll also get flowers on the day.

no.
DIL has her own mother. It is clear from reading all OPs posts that her son feels hard done to and put upon because he was stuck being her carer after everyone else had gone.

OP needs to give him space and let him come to her, if he wants. DIL doesn't come into the equation

(dress shopping? it never occured to me to invite any of my future in-laws to any of my pre-wedding stuff. why on earth would i? or anyone?)